Ideas to make this train wreck less painful?

[wxman22 109]

It's hard to say what I think here. I agree not to get married, but you have a lot of responsibility.

 

She predicated her actions on the fact that you signed a document stating that you wanted to marry her.

 

You got cold feet for whatever reason, but chose not to contact USCIS and cancel the Visa.

 

If it was me, I would give her a plane ticket, a few months lost pay, some extra money for expenses while she is in USA.

I'd look at it that I would rather pay too much for my mistake, than f...k someone over because I was clueless.

 

But then I pride myself on being responsible and honorable.

[Mimicherie 142]

10 hours ago, PirateLiker said:

To say the least, for the last 6 months I have had very cold feet.

I’m usually not one to judge anyone’s situation & it really sucks that you’re going through this, but I have to say that 6 months of “very cold feet” is a very long time. That’s almost throughout the duration of the whole Petition process give or take a few months. From this piece right here you should’ve just made the decision to end things on your own especially since it’s only been a week since she entered & these reservations are being made. It seems like you already had your mind made up even before she got here, yet allowed her to make such a life altering choice knowing how you truly felt already. Pre-Deal breaker discussion or not, sometimes the other person wants to make it work so bad that they become blind to the situation & can’t make necessary decisions, so we have to make those hard/tough decisions on their behalf. Just my opinion for future reference.

 

So yea, do not marry. Have the conversation with her ASAP so she’s not left in the dark & try to, reasonably, help out to at least make this transition back to her country a tad bit easier. I wouldn’t leave it to a friend to see to it that she gets a ticket & boards the plane though. If you were with/waiting for her when she came in, I believe you should do the same as she returns. 

 

Best of luck to you. 

[CEE53147 559]

7 hours ago, thatguyuknow said:

Just bite the bullet and get married. She is already here so you might as well.

This is one of the worst pieces of advice ever on this forum!

[CEE53147 559]

3 hours ago, PaulMac said:

Okay, i'm gonna be as unbiased and truthful as i can, please bear with me.
Don't blame yourself. I marked the KEY point in your explanation. In my view, she knew what she signed up for when you told her about big changes and i assume you told her that you don't feel the same way anymore. Her giving up her career to come to US wasn't entirely YOUR fault. She did it, knowing that it MIGHT NOT work out, and took a blind gamble instead of waiting for some more time (having 6months to come into US). So i don't see how it's only your fault in any way. 
Further, i'd buy her tickets back to her country, and that's about it. You can give her pocket money to support herself once she goes back there. Meaning a taxi ride, some cash for food and necessities, if she needs more, buy her everything here. Clothes, etc. Let her stay, but give her a separate room until she departures.
She clearly knew that it's a risk at that point to move to USA, especially that you told her about it. I'm not implying for you to be a cold hearted and kick her out. But she has to be reasonable as well, as she was told the possibilities ahead of time.

Wow that sounds insensitive of me. I apologize if that does, i don't mean to, but i'm giving my opinion on the situation.
DO NOT get married. You will complicate your and her's life's even more than it is now. As heart breaking it is, you have to keep your head straight, and think clearly. 

 

Do NOT remain in the same residence.  This can be a setup for VAWA filing. 

[The_Empyrean 733]

13 minutes ago, CEE53147 said:

 

Do NOT remain in the same residence.  This can be a setup for VAWA filing. 

oh ####### you're right.!

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

She gave up her career and you gave up what? Some time and two months wages in her country which is chump change for most of us. Put yourself in her shoes...Anyway if she must go back do it quickly before the resentment sinks in...and it will...

[Derik-Lina 230]

Based on her country of Origin, things might either go smooth or difficult.

Coming to America is a "Lottery" winning ticket; It will be difficult to convince her to leave.

I am not saying she is in it for the GC, but she might try her best to still marry.

Let s say she is a German or Australian National, chances are she will just leave.

Only my 2 cents here and best of luck to you both.

[carmel34 3,634]

Relationships don't always work out, especially long distance relationships based on a few in-person visits like a K-1.  Based on your previous posts, you have had concerns for many months, but SHE really wanted to come and was able to convince you not to withdraw your petition, so now she's here and you have decided that it is over.  Be considerate and open with her, but also firm as she will try to convince you again not to change your mind.  She has only been here for a week, so if she had as good a job as you say she did, she will be employable when she returns to her home country, maybe even get her former job back since it has been such as short time since she left.  If she refuses to leave the US, there is nothing you can do other than not marry her, not live with her, not support her.  After 90 days of arriving, if she doesn't leave, she will be out of legal status and will have to leave with the ticket you are offering her, or stay and risk deportation.  With no money and no ability to work legally, she will most likely see the writing on the wall and fly home.  I agree with others that she has a share of the responsibility for this situation, and she could be taking advantage of you.  It's impossible to know for sure.  But do the right thing and explain how you feel, move her out, offer her a plane ticket home, etc., but do it in a respectful way to preserve your own integrity.  Don't get angry or be vindictive or she could use that against you.  This process is painful enough, so good luck and I'm so sorry that this didn't work out.  Good for you, for trying to make the best of a touchy situation.  

[The_Empyrean 733]

4 minutes ago, carmel34 said:

Relationships don't always work out, especially long distance relationships based on a few in-person visits like a K-1.  Based on your previous posts, you have had concerns for many months, but SHE really wanted to come and was able to convince you not to withdraw your petition, so now she's here and you have decided that it is over.  Be considerate and open with her, but also firm as she will try to convince you again not to change your mind.  She has only been here for a week, so if she had as good a job as you say she did, she will be employable when she returns to her home country, maybe even get her former job back since it has been such as short time since she left.  If she refuses to leave the US, there is nothing you can do other than not marry her, not live with her, not support her.  After 90 days of arriving, if she doesn't leave, she will be out of legal status and will have to leave with the ticket you are offering her, or stay and risk deportation.  With no money and no ability to work legally, she will most likely see the writing on the wall and fly home.  I agree with others that she has a share of the responsibility for this situation, and she could be taking advantage of you.  It's impossible to know for sure.  But do the right thing and explain how you feel, move her out, offer her a plane ticket home, etc., but do it in a respectful way to preserve your own integrity.  Don't get angry or be vindictive or she could use that against you.  This process is painful enough, so good luck and I'm so sorry that this didn't work out.  Good for you, for trying to make the best of a touchy situation.  

Agreed! And make sure that she won't file for Domestic Violence after the whole "talk". I don't know how to prevent that, but i'd say have a voice recorder on through the whole conversation, and it all goes bad, you'll have yourself covered. At least in that case. Not sure if that's a good idea, but that's what i could think of, of the top of my head.
My sincere apologies that You have to go through this.

[ineedadisplayname 499]

25 minutes ago, PaulMac said:

Agreed! And make sure that she won't file for Domestic Violence after the whole "talk". I don't know how to prevent that, but i'd say have a voice recorder on through the whole conversation, and it all goes bad, you'll have yourself covered. At least in that case. Not sure if that's a good idea, but that's what i could think of, of the top of my head.
My sincere apologies that You have to go through this.

AFAIK She has to know that you are recording the conversation.... I don't think doing sneaky things is a good idea..... Also filing domestic violence claim in this case I think it's useless because they are not married, the K1 visa is in itself a non immigrant visa, so she won't have any legal way to adjust status if they don't get married....

 

@PirateLiker mentioned some list you sent to her how she needs to behave/act/do stuff? Wow that's interesting I would have flipped my now husband off if I would have got a list like that... Sounds like you were shopping for a maid/slave/care-keeper. That is f#### up. How many of us got a list before moving here?  Think about that.... Sure we talked about expectations/reality and stuff, but not as an itemized list that needed to be debated/negotiated....

On the other hand I totally understand that you might got cold feet. That is normal if you know her for just a couple of months and then you realized that she is not right for you. You should have told her not to come. Since now she is here just be honest and upfront and tell her that it won't work out and you want her to leave. You are NOT OBLIGATED to marry her. Also age difference can be a big factor of not understanding each other/wanting different things etc..... As others said the mistake was yours of letting her come when you were like 90% sure that it won't work out based on your list of expectations.....

 

@boris64 If she had a good job whatever it was, two months of wages can be more than $4000 even in Eastern Europe... Not everybody makes minimum wages as you might generalized it....

 

Wow. got too judgemental.... Anyway, don't want to edit the post....

 

Edited December 3, 2018 by ineedadisplayname

[ineedadisplayname 499]

1 hour ago, CEE53147 said:

 

Do NOT remain in the same residence.  This can be a setup for VAWA filing. 

I don't think you can file VAWA if you are not married..... She has no legal way for permanent residence until they got married....

[EM_Vandaveer 2,408]

1 hour ago, PaulMac said:

oh ####### you're right.!

Not unless they get married. No.1 requirement of VAWA is being married to a USC or LPR spouse.

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

13 minutes ago, ineedadisplayname said:

AFAIK She has to know that you are recording the conversation.... I don't think doing sneaky things is a good idea..... Also filing domestic violence claim in this case I think it's useless because they are not married, the K1 visa is in itself a non immigrant visa, so she won't have any legal way to adjust status if they don't get married....

 

@PirateLiker mentioned some list you sent to her how she needs to behave/act/do stuff? Wow that's interesting I would have flipped my now husband off if I would have got a list like that... Sounds like you were shopping for a maid/slave/care-keeper. That is f#### up. How many of us got a list before moving here?  Think about that.... Sure we talked about expectations/reality and stuff, but not as an itemized list that needed to be debated/negotiated....

On the other hand I totally understand that you might got cold feet. That is normal if you know her for just a couple of months and then you realized that she is not right for you. You should have told her not to come. Since now she is here just be honest and upfront and tell her that it won't work out and you want her to leave. You are NOT OBLIGATED to marry her. Also age difference can be a big factor of not understanding each other/wanting different things etc..... As others said the mistake was yours of letting her come when you were like 90% sure that it won't work out based on your list of expectations.....

 

@boris64 If she had a good job whatever it was, two months of wages can be more than $4000 even in Eastern Europe... Not everybody makes minimum wages as you might generalized it....

 

Wow. got too judgemental.... Anyway, don't want to edit the post....

 

I have spent much time in Ukraine. I know how much the average Ukrainian makes and how they live. I doubt she gave up a 2k a month job (which would put her in the top percentiles of wage earners there) to live with this guy...

[RLA 323]

5 hours ago, PaulMac said:

Her giving up her career to come to US wasn't entirely YOUR fault. She did it, knowing that it MIGHT NOT work out, and took a blind gamble instead of waiting for some more time (having 6months to come into US). So i don't see how it's only your fault in any way. 

It wasn't ONLY his fault, but partly.  That's why he doesn't need to pay ALL her expenses, lost income, and whatnot.  But he does owe her some help to get back on her feet.  For example what he proposed: ticket plus 2 months allowance.  

 

Apart from what he might or might not owe her (in a moral sense), if he'd only be willing to pay her ticket but nothing else she'd be returning home, but jobless, homeless, and penniless.  With that prospect she might be tempted to try VAWA or to just go underground here.  His being a little more generous will help to make sure that she does return home.  

[ineedadisplayname 499]

3 minutes ago, boris64 said:

I have spent much time in Ukraine. I know how much the average Ukrainian makes and how they live. I doubt she gave up a 2k a month job (which would put her in the top percentiles of wage earners there) to live with this guy...

Ahhh I was reading his previous posts only now. Didn't know she was Ukranian when I wrote my comment. Yeah unfortunately in Ukrain it's very unlikely to get $2000 a month..... Sorry about that. I think I just got triggered because a lot of people around here thinks that if you are from Eastern Europe it means that you never had a cell phone, or laptop or central heating and stuff like that and you are coming from the medieval times.