Ideas to make this train wreck less painful?

[PirateLiker 11]

My fiance just arrived on a K1 visa last week. To say the least, for the last 6 months I have had very cold feet. I informed her of several big things that I thought would be deal breakers. (I choose not to share the list, but if I did I think most people would see the folly in moving forward, on both our parts). She discussed some of them and even negotiated a bit, but in the end she decided to still come.

 

I didn't think things would work out but I decided to proceed. This was very foolish of me. I knew my heart wasn't fully in it. Predictably, things are not working out. We had a big discussion yesterday, which was partially resolved.

 

I believe she knows something is not right but is trying to pretend things will work out. One of the worst parts of this whole thing is that she gave up a very good job/career to come here.

 

I am looking for feedback on my exit strategy. Here is my plan:

 

1. Give her enough money for a plane ticket home (for her and her cat), for a hotel here for a few days, and two months of her wages in her home country. 

 

2. I have a friend an hour away, closer to the airport, who speaks her language. He and his wife are close to my beneficiary's age. I asked him and his wife if they are will help her walk through the process of getting a ticket back and finding a hotel to stay in for the next few days. He agreed to do what he could, as an immigrant from her country and a bilingual speaker of her language.

 

3. Put her in touch with the consulate from her country.

 

 

If all you have to offer is criticism of what I have done, I don't blame you. In fact, it might make me feel somehow better (like penance somehow) to be insulted. But what I am looking for is ideas on ways that I can make this horrible situation a little bit better.

Edited December 3, 2018 by PirateLiker

[PirateLiker 11]

Because of the sensitive nature of this matter, I changed some of our information as a gesture toward privacy. She is not from Colombia. 

[Boiler 45,541]

Best to avoid giving her the money, maybe a non refundable ticket and cash when she gets home?

[Going through 5,671]

Well...she's got 90 days to marry you, or else legally she needs to return to her home country.

Whatever you do, do NOT find yourself pressured into marrying her and "working things out" later or something like that, if that's her plan---will just make everything more complicated for you in the end with divorce/financials/etc.

 

17 minutes ago, PirateLiker said:

1. Give her enough money for a plane ticket home (for her and her cat), for a hotel here for a few days, and two months of her wages in her home country. 

I understand the thought behind paying for the plane ticket/short hotel stay----but 2 months wages??  To me, that's just opening the door for her to potentially milk you out of more money on an ongoing basis because you feel guilty over what's happened.

 

There's also the issue of how will you make sure she gets on the plane?  

[Ontarkie 14,229]

~~Moved to the Effects of Major Family Changes forum, from K1 P&P - similar threads are discussed here.~~

[Boiler 45,541]

Ticket is probably more than 2 months wages.

 

[Going through 5,671]

19 minutes ago, PirateLiker said:

Because of the sensitive nature of this matter, I changed some of our information as a gesture toward privacy. She is not from Colombia. 

I understand wanting privacy----but just incase you're not aware (not being snarky, but serious here)....members can view all of your content/past threads and posts by you , and normally do to gleam further information when giving advice.   I found out her country of origin in less than a minute.  

 

[AnJay 137]

Sorry, but why you didnt tell her you dont wanna get married while she was in her home country? Also we all know what country she is from, starts with U. 

Two monthly wages is like $400? Aloot ( sarcasm), I would demand way more. ... If she really love you she must be devastated. But its your fault not too tell her straight you dont feel its the right thing to get married and let this happened. 

Best of luck! 

 

 

[TBoneTX 45,324]

Most people seem to provide an airline ticket out of the U.S. and perhaps a little pocket-money.

Be sure that she gets on the plane.

Would have been better to end things before she arrived, but good that you're doing so before marriage.

[thatguyuknow 147]

Just bite the bullet and get married. She is already here so you might as well.

[TBoneTX 45,324]

4 hours ago, PirateLiker said:

several big things that I thought would be deal breakers

Unwise to marry if even one item falls into this category:

 -- causes you to compromise your integrity, personal safety, etc.

 -- is something that you can't ignore and will never mention again

Have to trust that the OP has identified one or more of these.

13 minutes ago, thatguyuknow said:

Just bite the bullet and get married. She is already here so you might as well.

 

[debbiedoo 2,339]

1 hour ago, thatguyuknow said:

Just bite the bullet and get married. She is already here so you might as well.

What kind of horrible advice is that?

 

dont EVER marry because you feel you HAVE to.

 

OP your reasons are your own but if there are irreconcilable differences, which it seems there may be, do NOT marry this poor girl! A broken heart heals. Ruining her life forever because you lack the cohones to stand up and say ' I love you but I can't do this, I am sorry, here is a plane ticket to go back home', will cost more than this entire process and the return ticket.

 

Be a man. Do the right thing.

[cyclone27 710]

I wouldn’t marry, but you really did a number on her especially since you had strong doubts in the first place. 

 

If she left a good career she will probably be in dire straights going back home. Knowing where she is from she is going to struggle.

 

I wish those who petition would really be 100% sure before allowing their fiancé to come since at the end of the day only the fiancé will be severely impacted by poor choices the petitioner makes.

 

 

[The_Empyrean 733]

8 hours ago, PirateLiker said:

My fiance just arrived on a K1 visa last week. To say the least, for the last 6 months I have had very cold feet. I informed her of several big things that I thought would be deal breakers. (I choose not to share the list, but if I did I think most people would see the folly in moving forward, on both our parts). She discussed some of them and even negotiated a bit, but in the end she decided to still come.

 

I didn't think things would work out but I decided to proceed. This was very foolish of me. I knew my heart wasn't fully in it. Predictably, things are not working out. We had a big discussion yesterday, which was partially resolved.

 

I believe she knows something is not right but is trying to pretend things will work out. One of the worst parts of this whole thing is that she gave up a very good job/career to come here.

 

I am looking for feedback on my exit strategy. Here is my plan:

 

1. Give her enough money for a plane ticket home (for her and her cat), for a hotel here for a few days, and two months of her wages in her home country. 

 

2. I have a friend an hour away, closer to the airport, who speaks her language. He and his wife are close to my beneficiary's age. I asked him and his wife if they are will help her walk through the process of getting a ticket back and finding a hotel to stay in for the next few days. He agreed to do what he could, as an immigrant from her country and a bilingual speaker of her language.

 

3. Put her in touch with the consulate from her country.

 

 

If all you have to offer is criticism of what I have done, I don't blame you. In fact, it might make me feel somehow better (like penance somehow) to be insulted. But what I am looking for is ideas on ways that I can make this horrible situation a little bit better.

Okay, i'm gonna be as unbiased and truthful as i can, please bear with me.
Don't blame yourself. I marked the KEY point in your explanation. In my view, she knew what she signed up for when you told her about big changes and i assume you told her that you don't feel the same way anymore. Her giving up her career to come to US wasn't entirely YOUR fault. She did it, knowing that it MIGHT NOT work out, and took a blind gamble instead of waiting for some more time (having 6months to come into US). So i don't see how it's only your fault in any way. 
Further, i'd buy her tickets back to her country, and that's about it. You can give her pocket money to support herself once she goes back there. Meaning a taxi ride, some cash for food and necessities, if she needs more, buy her everything here. Clothes, etc. Let her stay, but give her a separate room until she departures.
She clearly knew that it's a risk at that point to move to USA, especially that you told her about it. I'm not implying for you to be a cold hearted and kick her out. But she has to be reasonable as well, as she was told the possibilities ahead of time.

Wow that sounds insensitive of me. I apologize if that does, i don't mean to, but i'm giving my opinion on the situation.
DO NOT get married. You will complicate your and her's life's even more than it is now. As heart breaking it is, you have to keep your head straight, and think clearly. 

[E & J 2018 132]

Did you let her know that there is no more time for discussion , that you want her to leave, ASAP?

 

Is there anyway she can call her employer and try to get her job back? This is really the worst part of this situation. She should contact them immediately and atleast try to get this job back.