Waiting for AOS and husband not contributing enough

[SJ_Ulloa 46]

I am sorry this is your situation. There are pros and cons to being in a relationship with someone abroad. Your not with that person on a day in / day out basis and never really see the whole picture of their life. There a few concerns - the first asking for money multiple times with the promise of paying it back. Like others mentioned yes it is a awful situation but you went on the strength of a man's word that he would return the funds, which he never did, yet always asked for more with more broken promises and you still sent the money anyway... now the harsh reality is sinking in that he possibly could have taken advantage of your love for him, and willingness to show him your a supporting partner. I can understand the urge to want to help the one you love when they are in need, however as women we are built with an inner intuition and I cannot imagine at some point after countless financial transfers your intuition was not screaming to stop. My fiance' knows to not ask, and on the rare occasions I have sent anything I made it known this is not going to turn into a habit. He works for what he needs and finds a way. 

 

Your spouse showed you his colors from the start, but your infatuation for this man blinded you from seeing all the red flags. I would absolutely split the household bills 50/50. He can have his own account, save some money as can you - open a joint account that is solely for the purpose of paying the household expenses. Have the expenses come directly out of that acct and portion of each of your paychecks be deposited into that account. Do not get cards for that account. Whatever you both get in your personal account is yours to do what you will with it. IF he does not agree to that which I think is more than fair then you have your answer and if you choose to stay with this man that whatever he does going forward you have to own because again - he is showing you who he is, his regard for your well being and the little respect he has for you. 

 

Clearly your intuition is telling you this already otherwise you would not have reached out asking anyone to clarify or justify what you are already rightfully feeling. A person will only do to you what you allow. The saying "Dont try to force a shoe that doesnt fit" applies to your situation. If he is not benefiting you and supporting and uplifting you as you have done for him then take it for what it is. If you love him and want to try to make it work then good but do not be mad or play victim later when he does not change and your in the same boat as now. I dont mean to come off harsh- as we are just the outsiders looking in on your situation based on your description of events. I hope whatever choice you make brings you peace and happiness and wish you the best of luck, but listen to what your intuition is telling you. 

 

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

Yea.. there's a big difference between giving money to help support small things (internet, phone, maybe even a basic bill like electric)... then there's buying TV's, furniture, and supporting his kids? I mean come on, that's his responsibility, not yours. You gave him the "good life" and he took advantage. Now you're surprised that he still isn't really contributing? hah. Sorry, you let this go on and were far too generous. Most my now husband ever asked for was $40 here and there for internet so we can keep talking and once to help with rent when he was in between jobs. You met someone who you babied and they fell in love with it. And now you have a debt? Should have stopped before any of the debt happened, you put yourself there.

[Michelle M 133]

19 hours ago, Michael & Michele said:

He allowed me to handle his paycheck and I was giving him spending money weekly and still paying ALL household expenses.

Were you saving when he was allowing you to handle his paycheck?  

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

On the plus side he has taken on 2 jobs. I've seen worse stories here where the immigrant comes here and plays video games all day and then expects more money from their spouse to send home to children and family members.

[Orangefish2017 5]

finances are important in relationship. 50k in debt is also his debt he needs to understand its not just your debt. the debt will affect both of you not just him. you need financial counseling otherwise you marriage will go thru serious issues. 

[Boiler 45,519]

There have been many many similar threads in the PI forum, nothing new.

[Umka36 781]

OP, if you haven't already looked into this; I suggest using non-profit debt counseling company. They can help by providing the best options to ring in your debt. Whether it be filing for bankruptcy or providing a service in which you pay them and they forward the funds to the creditors for a minimal monthly fee (they work with the creditor to lower the interest rates). Be aware that these programs will have you cut the cord on your credit cards which is the reason folks get into these situation in the first place. They go over a budget plan with you for this reason.

 

https://www.nfcc.org/

 

In regards to your relationship, it always surprise when there's trouble brewing at the honeymoon stage of marriage life. Personally I missed those first 2 years, because our relationship is different once we had children. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but our priorities are different now with kids.

 

OP, I couldn't continue what you are doing as I would have so much resentment. I'm the only one working in my household, and it's not easy for a family of 4 but there's an understanding between my wife and I that funds are not limitless. Some cultures do feel the need to send remittance back to their home country, and that's something that needs to be addressed beforehand. I've said it before, but I could never date/marry anyone who does that and I'm not saying those who do it is right or wrong. I wish you the best of luck OP as no matter what decision you chose, it's not going to be easy. Hopefully your spouse understands this.

 

[Michael & Michele 23]

4 hours ago, Michelle M said:

Were you saving when he was allowing you to handle his paycheck?  

Yes but not enough for his liking.

[Mountain Climber 186]

23 hours ago, Michael & Michele said:

Yes but not enough for his liking.

Turn off the money faucet because he will never change.  You know in your heart what

to do.  Time to divorce and move on.

Edited November 3, 2018 by Mountain Climber