Waiting for AOS and husband not contributing enough

[Ontarkie 14,221]

You are not the first go into sever debt bending over backwards for their spouse to find out they have been used. 

Start cutting things off, you need to pay bills if he won't help then time to turn off the cash flow. Cut things off that you don't 100% need to live. 

Edited November 2, 2018 by Ontarkie

[little immigrant 801]

7 hours ago, Michael & Michele said:

Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.

Once you withdraw the I-864 and cancel the Adjustment of status, he will be here illegally unless he goes home. This will for sure not be good for your marriage. Or you already decided to divorce him?

 

There is always two sides of a story. My ex handled all the finances. My paycheck went into our joint bank account. However he didn't allow me to use my money. I was the only one who worked and I wasn't allowed to buy me food for $5-7. One time I did it anyways and he threatened me with deportation. Later I created a seperate bank account for my own security and changed my direct deposit to go there. I can relate to your husband. You just never know what's really going on. We only read your side of the story but what about his side? By withdrawing the I-864 you threaten his status and he has to go back home.

Edited November 2, 2018 by little immigrant

[Michael & Michele 23]

3 hours ago, lierre said:

I’m sorry this happened to you.

 

i don’t know your spouse and how you address conflict in your marriage. But it seems like you need a marriage counselor and a financial counselor.

 

Money was a very important issue for my spouse and I as we both have had experiences going into credit card debt prior to us having met. I also came from an Asian country where the adult kids are expected to “give back” to their parents and to everyone else who needs in their extended family. Luckily, my parents didn’t raise us that way and they certainly did not oblige us to “give back”. 

 

It is wrong that he entered into a marriage where his priorities remain to be back home instead of with you. I would never tolerate that with any partner.

In an effort to save my marriage I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused.  He sees nothing wrong with taking and saving for himself more than he's contributing to the household.  The hurt that comes from my spouse not wanting to help me the way I helped him is devastating.

[Michael & Michele 23]

26 minutes ago, little immigrant said:

Once you withdraw the I-864 and cancel the Adjustment of status, he will be here illegally unless he goes home. This will for sure not be good for your marriage. Or you already decided to divorce him?

 

There is always two sides of a story. My ex handled all the finances. My paycheck went into our joint bank account. However he didn't allow me to use my money. I was the only one who worked and I wasn't allowed to buy me food for $5-7. One time I did it anyways and he threatened me with deportation. Later I created a seperate bank account for my own security and changed my direct deposit to go there. I can relate to your husband. You just never know what's really going on. We only read your side of the story but what about his side? By withdrawing the I-864 you threaten his status and he has to go back home.

There are two sides to every story.  He will tell you I don't want him to save money.  I will tell you that I absolutely understand his position and encourage him to save money BUT the amount of money he is now saving in a separate bank account is more than he is contributing to our household and the debt I have incurred because of him.  That's not acceptable.  The burden should not be on me and I will absolutely withdraw the I-864 or risk financial ruin.  He sees me as the means to live in America, work and not have to pay his fair share.  If he loved me, he would want to lift me up and make me happy the way I did for him.  I know the truth.

[little immigrant 801]

11 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

I will absolutely withdraw the I-864 or risk financial ruin

Sounds like you already made up your mind. Divorce and move on... 

 

Did he actually ask you to get into debt for him? The debt is on you. Stop blaming him. 

[NigeriaorBust 4,087]

  You guys have a spending issue.  If he won't help you with the joint bills , split them into two.  Make him responsible for some of the stuff you can do without like cable/TV and cell phones.  If they get cut off , then they get cut off.  Every paycheck pay the bills that are due first , then the utilities and if there is money left , you can play.  Throw the card away, they are killing you slowly. 

[Daisy.Chain 317]

Sounds like you both need a plan you can agree to toward the future.. x percent towards debt, x towards family, x amount for food etc. I'd recommend the Dave Ramsey course! (He recommends to cut up those credit cards!)

[lierre 224]

53 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

In an effort to save my marriage I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused.  He sees nothing wrong with taking and saving for himself more than he's contributing to the household.  The hurt that comes from my spouse not wanting to help me the way I helped him is devastating.

 

It definitely sounds like he doesn't think about your future or even your present. That is just wrong.

 

When you marry someone, you share a life. It sounds like he dragged you into his, and you're just in it to make it work out for him.

 

 

[Daisy.Chain 317]

45 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

There are two sides to every story.  He will tell you I don't want him to save money.  I will tell you that I absolutely understand his position and encourage him to save money BUT the amount of money he is now saving in a separate bank account is more than he is contributing to our household and the debt I have incurred because of him.  That's not acceptable.  The burden should not be on me and I will absolutely withdraw the I-864 or risk financial ruin.  He sees me as the means to live in America, work and not have to pay his fair share.  If he loved me, he would want to lift me up and make me happy the way I did for him.  I know the truth.

No one forced you to make the purchases. You made them presumably because you love him and thought it would help. Perhaps you could find a marriage or financial counselor and have a conversation (worth 50% on both sides, not one steamrolling over the other) about percentages of your total income to set aside for each area.

 

My husband and I send paychecks to one account and like the percentage method, but some also put aside dollar amounts.

[bakphx1 789]

The way your story began tells a lot.  There are men in countries that work women tourists for romance.  If they meet you and are quickly in love and as quickly need money and a visa.  I get people upset trying to tell them this when they’re in love.  But it’s no less systematic than a Nigerian prince email.    

 

You could try and go to marriage counseling about the fairness.  When my husband first came over, sometimes we had issues with understanding the difference between having more money than he did and having an inexhaustible supply.  It wasn’t as bad as your case.

 

After working a month and buying things for himself and sending some to his parents, he had a much better feel for what the value of money was, budgeting and was proactive in being fair about it.

 

Your husband by now should understand that every dollar given to him or his family means something you have to give up.  You have given up things for the next several years.  If he has no concern about it, you need to be concerned about yourself for both of you. 

 

Frankly if he’s that blatant about using his wife as an ATM, he really isn’t into self respect.  Even in liberated America, a man doesn’t freeload off of a woman if he has any kind of self-respect.  In other cultures it’s a sure sign of zero respect for you or himself to do it and be fine with it.  Tell him you’re going to enjoy your own money and to enjoy the car when he goes back.  

 

 

Edited November 2, 2018 by bakphx1

[Izor 79]

Honestly. Might seem harsh, but I can't understand how anyone can think that your scenario is a functional relationship -marriage on top of it- in 2018?. You need to take a step back, realise that you're wasting your time on someone that used you, and find real love while you still can. Marriage is a big deal and can be tough, but your scenario is beyond normal marriage issues between two level headed adults. 

[debbiedoo 2,339]

money issues are the #1 reason for divorce in this country.

 

these are all things that should have been discussed and started to be adhered to before you married.

 

paul and i help each other out. we are partners. a team. if one is in need of something, the other helps. and it goes BOTH ways, even now with only being together every few weeks until k1 is approved. since we are a team, we dont pay each other back. its us helping US. I helped last year with a truck payment. he helped with school supplies before school started for my son. My car was towed last year, he helped with that. ive bought him plane tickets before and helped with gas for his trips here, and hes done the same for me. PARTNERS.

 

you need a marriage and financial counselor. if he wont do that, the choice is yours as to whether you stay or go.

[CEE53147 559]

8 hours ago, Michael & Michele said:

In an effort to save my marriage I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused.  He sees nothing wrong with taking and saving for himself more than he's contributing to the household.  The hurt that comes from my spouse not wanting to help me the way I helped him is devastating.

 

His refusal to go to counseling answers your question.  I believe you should discuss your financial situation  with a progessional and your family situation with a divorce attorney.

[E & J 2018 132]

17 hours ago, Michael & Michele said:

I'm beyond confused.  I met my now husband in August 2016 in St. Maarten and we fell in love.  He asked me to marry him.  During the year we were apart I amassed a significant amount of debt primarily due to loaning him money to pay rent, utilities, food, phone, paperwork for his residency, paperwork for his passport, and the fees involved with the K-1 Visa.  Essentially I was supporting two households.  He always promised me I would be getting this money back.  My husband arrived here 14 months ago with nothing.  Literally nothing.  The clothes on his back.  Purchases I made for him he left behind with family members (TV, furniture etc).  Now he's living here almost 14 months and is working full time.  During the 14 months he's here, I paid thousands of dollars for his dental work, sent thousands back home to his children, bought his clothes, bought school clothes for his children, cell phones for him and his children, taken him on vacation, provided EVERY aspect of his life.  He won money playing a lottery and tried to cash the ticket without me knowing but ultimately I found out and after a week of horrible arguing he agreed to give me half of his winnings.  He kept his half, I put mine toward my now huge debt.  He allowed me to handle his paycheck and I was giving him spending money weekly and still paying ALL household expenses.  NOW he opens up a separate bank account and I have no access to his paycheck.  He tells me he needs to "SAVE" money.  He needs money for his children and me in the event of an emergency.  I don't think it's reasonable for him to save more money weekly than he's contributing to the household knowing the credit card debt I'm carrying.  He says he married me for love and not a green card but I'm seriously beginning to doubt that.  Help??? 

Looks like he is a user and he is planning for his future..... without you!

[Carpe Vinum 2,327]

This comment is not directly aimed at you specifically. But, I see it way too often. People going into debt to facilitate having a partner from overseas. Or, not financially capable of marriage in the first place. Marrying someone from another country is difficult enough without throwing financial difficulty into the mix. Good luck)