Waiting for AOS and husband not contributing enough

[Michael & Michele 23]

I'm beyond confused.  I met my now husband in August 2016 in St. Maarten and we fell in love.  He asked me to marry him.  During the year we were apart I amassed a significant amount of debt primarily due to loaning him money to pay rent, utilities, food, phone, paperwork for his residency, paperwork for his passport, and the fees involved with the K-1 Visa.  Essentially I was supporting two households.  He always promised me I would be getting this money back.  My husband arrived here 14 months ago with nothing.  Literally nothing.  The clothes on his back.  Purchases I made for him he left behind with family members (TV, furniture etc).  Now he's living here almost 14 months and is working full time.  During the 14 months he's here, I paid thousands of dollars for his dental work, sent thousands back home to his children, bought his clothes, bought school clothes for his children, cell phones for him and his children, taken him on vacation, provided EVERY aspect of his life.  He won money playing a lottery and tried to cash the ticket without me knowing but ultimately I found out and after a week of horrible arguing he agreed to give me half of his winnings.  He kept his half, I put mine toward my now huge debt.  He allowed me to handle his paycheck and I was giving him spending money weekly and still paying ALL household expenses.  NOW he opens up a separate bank account and I have no access to his paycheck.  He tells me he needs to "SAVE" money.  He needs money for his children and me in the event of an emergency.  I don't think it's reasonable for him to save more money weekly than he's contributing to the household knowing the credit card debt I'm carrying.  He says he married me for love and not a green card but I'm seriously beginning to doubt that.  Help??? 

[Unlockable 7,314]

*** Moved to "Effects of Major Family Changes on Immigration Benefits" ***

[Daniela M_______ 410]

56 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

I'm beyond confused.  I met my now husband in August 2016 in St. Maarten and we fell in love.  He asked me to marry him.  During the year we were apart I amassed a significant amount of debt primarily due to loaning him money to pay rent, utilities, food, phone, paperwork for his residency, paperwork for his passport, and the fees involved with the K-1 Visa.  Essentially I was supporting two households.  He always promised me I would be getting this money back.  My husband arrived here 14 months ago with nothing.  Literally nothing.  The clothes on his back.  Purchases I made for him he left behind with family members (TV, furniture etc).  Now he's living here almost 14 months and is working full time.  During the 14 months he's here, I paid thousands of dollars for his dental work, sent thousands back home to his children, bought his clothes, bought school clothes for his children, cell phones for him and his children, taken him on vacation, provided EVERY aspect of his life.  He won money playing a lottery and tried to cash the ticket without me knowing but ultimately I found out and after a week of horrible arguing he agreed to give me half of his winnings.  He kept his half, I put mine toward my now huge debt.  He allowed me to handle his paycheck and I was giving him spending money weekly and still paying ALL household expenses.  NOW he opens up a separate bank account and I have no access to his paycheck.  He tells me he needs to "SAVE" money.  He needs money for his children and me in the event of an emergency.  I don't think it's reasonable for him to save more money weekly than he's contributing to the household knowing the credit card debt I'm carrying.  He says he married me for love and not a green card but I'm seriously beginning to doubt that.  Help??? 

Did he force you to give him money to pay for all of those things for him and his family? I understand money is a sensitive subject but if you gave him money because you felt like it was right to do, so then there's no one to blame. He is working now and I agree he should be able to provide help and pay the debt if you both agreed on that but I don't think it's even legal to retain his paycheck.

 

My fiancé had helped me with money before for emergencies cases (like  had to move and I was unemployee for some months last year) but still I have my savings, and I understand your husband wants to have his, there are too many horror stories over here about people who got a bad experience once in the US and being completely dependant on their new husband/wife which is a position I don't want to be in, and better to be safe because well, life happens and love stories ends everyday.

 

No one could say for sure if he's using you, that's something you'll have to define based on your relationship. Also what is all of these have to do about AOS? Are you planning to not keep the process due to this situation?

[Michael & Michele 23]

1 minute ago, Daniela M_______ said:

Did he force you to give him money to pay for all of those things for him and his family? I understand money is a sensitive subject but if you gave him money because you felt like it was right to do, so then there's no one to blame. He is working now and I agree he should be able to provide help and pay the debt if you both agreed on that but I don't think it's even legal to retain his paycheck.

 

My fiancé had helped me with money before for emergencies cases (like  had to move and I was unemployee for some months last year) but still I have my savings, and I understand your husband wants to have his, there are too many horror stories over here about people who got a bad experience once in the US and being completely dependant on their new husband/wife which is a position I don't want to be in, and better to be safe because well, life happens and love stories ends everyday.

 

No one could say for sure if he's using you, that's something you'll have to define based on your relationship. Also what is all of these have to do about AOS? Are you planning to not keep the process due to this situation?

No he didn't FORCE me.  Some money was given as you say I felt it was "right to do".  Other money was loaned.  Like, lend me $1,000 and I'll pay you when I sell my car.  Car sold, no money.  He had NO SAVINGS.  Got here with nothing.  In 2 years since I met him, I have $50k in credit card debt.  He's working 2 jobs.  Opened a separate bank account behind my back.  Gives me what he feels is appropriate and saves it or sends money back to his father in one country and children in another.  I'm not looking to "retain" his check but as husband & wife if I'm $50k in debt because of him, should that not be his first priority?  Should he not want to help his wife the way I helped him?  Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.  Marriage should be about "We" and "Us" and I don't believe lying and hiding your money shows me any respect.  Not a great foundation for my future.

 

[Daniela M_______ 410]

1 minute ago, Michael & Michele said:

No he didn't FORCE me.  Some money was given as you say I felt it was "right to do".  Other money was loaned.  Like, lend me $1,000 and I'll pay you when I sell my car.  Car sold, no money.  He had NO SAVINGS.  Got here with nothing.  In 2 years since I met him, I have $50k in credit card debt.  He's working 2 jobs.  Opened a separate bank account behind my back.  Gives me what he feels is appropriate and saves it or sends money back to his father in one country and children in another.  I'm not looking to "retain" his check but as husband & wife if I'm $50k in debt because of him, should that not be his first priority?  Should he not want to help his wife the way I helped him?  Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.  Marriage should be about "We" and "Us" and I don't believe lying and hiding your money shows me any respect.  Not a great foundation for my future.

 

I absolutely agree with you. Sounds like you have more than enough reasons to not keep going but that's your choice. IMO is not about the money but the intention to pay it back or compensate for it, for example maybe he cannot pay it back but he'll take care of others things related to household with his income. Money is always complicated but in your situation, it looks like he's just trying to get away without paying it...

 

 Also he moved to another country while still having the responsibility to provide for 2 different family members AND to your household, sounds very difficult to accomplish even with 2 jobs, and as we can see, he's not taking you as a priority in this. 

[Wish4 3]

3 minutes ago, Michael & Michele said:

No he didn't FORCE me.  Some money was given as you say I felt it was "right to do".  Other money was loaned.  Like, lend me $1,000 and I'll pay you when I sell my car.  Car sold, no money.  He had NO SAVINGS.  Got here with nothing.  In 2 years since I met him, I have $50k in credit card debt.  He's working 2 jobs.  Opened a separate bank account behind my back.  Gives me what he feels is appropriate and saves it or sends money back to his father in one country and children in another.  I'm not looking to "retain" his check but as husband & wife if I'm $50k in debt because of him, should that not be his first priority?  Should he not want to help his wife the way I helped him?  Yes, I'm contemplating withdrawing my I-864 petition which will automatically cancel his 485.  Marriage should be about "We" and "Us" and I don't believe lying and hiding your money shows me any respect.  Not a great foundation for my future.

 

I think you are right. if you're in debt because of him, then it should be his priority to clear those before trying to save for the future. you should be very careful, as it looks like he is using you for money. Before making any decision discuss those things with him..

[Sunnyland 639]

I feel sorry for you but for what you say it seems that he got used to the good life of getting his living expenses taken care of by a nice (wealthy?) american lady. It was your decision to give this person money so don't feel surprised is you never see the $ back.

This may sound harsh but this is the kind of things it happens when you start bankrolling someone in a relationship (long distance or not). You may end up with someone that will take advantage of your generosity and love you for the wrong reason.

 

When my now husband and I were engaged, he lost his job and and called me desperately at work to ask me if I could loan him some money (it was about $300). He needed to pay some bills and of course I loaned him the money he needed. He did pay me back a few months later when he was in better shape and sent me flowers also to give me thanks. He as a proud man he is, he felt so terrible to ask for money. That was the only time during our long distance relationship that he asked me for that kind of help. And I never asked him to pay me for anything (debts or bills). 

When you are in a relationship it should be 50/50. You help me, I help you and we help each other. That is how I see it.  BUT when you start feeling that you do most of the work and you pay ALL of his stuffs and he is not willing to cooperate with your/his debts, then it's time to consider the possibility that you found an scammer. One with a big family, children and God knows what else left in his home country and that is why he send all his money there.

Is he using you? No one here can know 100% but it does give that vibe. If you feel he is using you then do not proceed with AOS and you will see how much love or cash he wants to share with you. I hope you can solve this situation for your own good. 

Edited November 1, 2018 by Sunnyland

[LoveAlways2 90]

When I got married something similar happened. I was the immigrant, but I acquired a lot of debt because all credit cards and loans were in my name because my ex did not have "good credit." We got divorced last year (he cheated) and I am still paying the debt. It was stipulated in the divorce that he will pay half but he hasn't and I don't feel like going around asking him for money. Thinking back, I should have made him get a credit card in his name only and transfer half balance from my credits cards to his. We paid for vacations, send money to his sons, he even used up all of our savings to send to his ex for her to buy a car because his kids didn't have a way to move around (of course he didn't tell me that, he said he had to paid some debts he had). 

 

Since you are still married, you can ask him to get a loan only in his name for the amount of money he owes you and pay some of your debt off. 

Edited November 1, 2018 by SadStories

[Michael & Michele 23]

Nail in the coffin?  He's saving his money because he doesn't want credit card debt...It was a great suggestion though

 

[Boiler 45,519]

Sounds like he has a lot of commitments.

[lierre 224]

I’m sorry this happened to you.

 

i don’t know your spouse and how you address conflict in your marriage. But it seems like you need a marriage counselor and a financial counselor.

 

Money was a very important issue for my spouse and I as we both have had experiences going into credit card debt prior to us having met. I also came from an Asian country where the adult kids are expected to “give back” to their parents and to everyone else who needs in their extended family. Luckily, my parents didn’t raise us that way and they certainly did not oblige us to “give back”. 

 

It is wrong that he entered into a marriage where his priorities remain to be back home instead of with you. I would never tolerate that with any partner.

[carmel34 3,633]

Lots to think about in this thread.  I really feel bad for OP, but at the same time there were lots of red flags in this relationship regarding money from the beginning.  I would guess that most USCs with an average income and steady job feel at one point or other that they should help their international fiance/fiancee or spouse financially, particularly if they are in need, because of the income disparity that often exists between the US and developing countries.  Sometimes love gets in the way of solid rational decision making.  Paying for travel to see each other, costs associated with the visa process, etc.--we want to help and often can.  Yet at the same time, a healthy relationship requires both people to contribute financially in some way (it doesn't always have to be money) or it eventually leads to the problems we see here so clearly: the one who contributes more financially to the relationship feels used and resentment builds to a point that there could be a breakdown.  Serious, open, and honest dialogue about this topic should happen early on.  Signs of potential abuse regarding money should be addressed as soon as they are noticed.  In this case, a deep discussion about finances needs to happen now and a solution agreeable to both parties determined if possible.  Based on personal experience, I have learned that it doesn't always have to be 50/50 of every single expense to be workable, but both need to contribute something if both are working.  Communication might rebuild trust in this situation.  Perhaps even a good marriage counselor would be helpful.  And don't use AOS or citizenship as leverage or as a threat in these discussions--focus on your relationship and lots of love and respect for each other if you want to stay with this man.  Good luck OP with a difficult situation.  I hope you can resolve these issues and move on with a stronger marriage relationship than ever.

[Sbrisa 41]

This happened to one of my friends, with the only difference that they are both italian and live in Italy, so no immigration processes were involved. I fear this happens to international couples and not, at the same rate!
He was always telling her "Don't worry about it! I'll pay for it/I'll take care of it". She didn't investigate too much, she just trusted him and she thought he knew what he was doing. Primarily cause this man was almost 40, so you assume that a man his age is able to take care of himself and his finances.
They ended up getting married and she inherited all his debts, without having any idea of how bad his situation was. Shortly after, he lost his business, went bankrupt and she lost most of her savings to fix his mistakes. She's had enough only after she realised that even after all the things he lost and the huge debt he had, he kept spending all the money he was getting from his new job towards silly things. I think they're divorced now or separated at least.
This is just my opinion, but the first time you lend money to someone, even if it's your significant other, and this money doesn't go back into your pocket EVER, you'd have to activate your 6th sense's alarm.
I hope you can fix it, but as for trusting him, I would have lost my trust the second time he asked me for money.
Best wishes!

[Diane and Chris 651]

You know what is best for you. Do you think things will change and he will start paying his share?  If not, then live with it or end it. Just don’t wait too long to decide. Once he has his AOS, there is no turning back. Best wishes to you and I hope it works out. 

[Lemonslice 4,841]

With, or without, him, you've got a spending problem and a big debt to pay off. 

 

If you do not have the money, please stop spoiling him... No need to pay for vacations, cable, cellphone, or other modern luxury. 

 

He might be a bad spouse, or finances were not discussed, I don't know - but please protect yourself and stop digging.