Suprised im even in this situation

[Ash.1101 1,756]

So I will say one thing that caught me was that you said that you have told her that she can tell you anything/this and that.

You have to remember, that you're telling this person that you lash out at, that you are a safe person to talk too. That doesn't make much sense and will actually drive more of a wedge.

You also have to take into consideration perspective.

My husband and I barely fight, and fighting for us is just usually me yelling because I hit my boiling point, but this is like a once or twice a year thing.

Our fights that we do have aren't due to the lack of communication but more so because of miscommunication and perspective. We may see the same issue as two completely separate issues, but once it's hashed out it just becomes a "Oh well I thought that YOU" and "I didn't realize that YOU" and a "Well if I would have known!" and then we're all back on the same page.

Instead of blowing her off or freaking out at her find out WHY she feels the way she feels. Again, chances of her TRULY talking to you honestly is rare because like you said, you go all Logan/Wolverine and honestly who wants to talk to someone like that.

Remember that communication isn't simply talking it out. If both parties aren't actively involved and willing to learn from the communication, then it's not really communicating at all. It's just talking to a brick wall. She could easily feel, just based off what you said, that you probably don't understand her plight. Hearing the words she says and empathizing with what she says are two different things, but both involve listening.

 

I will say that my first marriage was a roller coaster like that, and it was a better choice for my daughter to divorce. No one's kid should have to watch their parents fight everyday/every other day. That isn't a healthy household, no matter what sitcoms and tv shows may have everyone to believe.

I don't believe in staying married for the kids. My parents did that and it wasn't until I was an adult did I realize that one of my parents was basically trapped in that marriage and that parent has had struggles but has thrived ever since the divorce.

 

 

Edited October 27, 2018 by Ash.1101

[Pogue Mahone 26]

On 10/22/2018 at 9:26 AM, soulstriker said:

So alot has happened since i been this site so I will try to make it short and explain myself.  My wife ( then fiance ) came here january 2017 we got married in march 2017 , we had our long distance relationship since fall 2015 so alot of time has been put into this , i even visited twice . Ever since 2017 there has always been a communication issue between us and maybe that was because of being brought up differently im not too sure.  Arguments , verbal attacks , lack of communication , divorce threats , silent treatment , fighting have all been happening atleast once a month ever since even with having a daughter back november 2017 it never got easier. I have my faults and im willing to work on my flaws but im with someone who will delfect , provoke , and use verbal attacks to get back at me for things. She will claim im a violent person , i have a temper etc etc. but the question has always been in this two way thing we have called marriage what has her input been? Why has this husband of mine gotten mad or loud? Instead of playing the victim all the time and taking responsiblity for her own inputs in the marriage its gotten to the point where she can threaten me with divorce multiple times  , disrepects me infront of people , has called me all the names in the world , and still will blame me for everything on the sun. Right now im at my parents house and  were just taking a "break" this separation will result in two things . 1 she calls me and shes finally ready to work on ourselves and we move on on all past things or 2 we stay separated for a year and i file divorce " no fault divorce" i tihnk they call it in nc . The only thing i care about now is my daughter and there is no point trying to force someone to stay married to you if there just going to keep threatening divorce to you every month.

 

 

In this mess her 2 year GC expires next year , thoughts on what to do ?

 

I’m so sorry to hear this bro. 

[soulstriker 274]

It never stops  i guess not only did things communcation wise not get better she finally tells me  on thursday that she may be bisexual...........her idea was open marriage etc etc (someting i never signed up for ) , then the next day she says shes not sure if shes lesbian or bi that she is figuring it out , then the next day shes not lesbian shes bi , then sunday she says shes straight all over again, that her friends were telling her to pretend till citizenship but she couldnt do it . She tells me im a violent , wicked , cheater , immature , and that i lack communication skills lol. I told her i have nothing against anyone when it comes to sexuality but that is smething you should of told me form the jump, there is no way you can be an 28 year old and not know yourself. Ive already started preparing myself for what i need to do legally.

 

 

 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

Oh geez The whole time I was reading this thread, I had hopes that it was just some early-marriage communication issues, which can typically be sorted out. (Side note: to the person who came here before just to comment that their first years of marriage were all rainbows and sunshine, among people who have clearly struggled during theirs, was super rude.) Anyway - this definitely is a different story.

 

I just posted in another thread almost on a similar topic - discovering a difference in your spouses' sexual preferences after the fact. I'll say the same here - it isn't about one's sexuality. It's about deception. Marrying someone who is straight and under the impression that you're also straight, while you are bi or gay and have not shared that with them, is deceptive. The comment between her and her friends about hanging in there until citizenship is also deceptive and whether she said it or "her friend" said it, I would take that very seriously.

 

Honestly, regardless of what happens, I think finding out your legal options is a good thing to do no matter what. Having knowledge and self-awareness when it comes to preparedness will only empower you and encourage you should a difficult decision ever become necessary.

 

Best of luck to you! 

[soulstriker 274]

3 hours ago, Paul & Mallory said:

Oh geez The whole time I was reading this thread, I had hopes that it was just some early-marriage communication issues, which can typically be sorted out. (Side note: to the person who came here before just to comment that their first years of marriage were all rainbows and sunshine, among people who have clearly struggled during theirs, was super rude.) Anyway - this definitely is a different story.

 

I just posted in another thread almost on a similar topic - discovering a difference in your spouses' sexual preferences after the fact. I'll say the same here - it isn't about one's sexuality. It's about deception. Marrying someone who is straight and under the impression that you're also straight, while you are bi or gay and have not shared that with them, is deceptive. The comment between her and her friends about hanging in there until citizenship is also deceptive and whether she said it or "her friend" said it, I would take that very seriously.

 

Honestly, regardless of what happens, I think finding out your legal options is a good thing to do no matter what. Having knowledge and self-awareness when it comes to preparedness will only empower you and encourage you should a difficult decision ever become necessary.

 

Best of luck to you! 

Thanks for the reply I just been taking one day at a time , I got some legal aid already I will continue to just be cautious of everything i say or do at this moment , i feel bad for my daughter mainly she didnt deserve any of this . And its sad to see her being used like a safety blanket

Edited December 26, 2018 by soulstriker

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

17 hours ago, soulstriker said:

Thanks for the reply I just been taking one day at a time , I got some legal aid already I will continue to just be cautious of everything i say or do at this moment , i feel bad for my daughter mainly she didnt deserve any of this . And its sad to see her being used like a safety blanket

It's definitely sad when kids are involved. All you can do is be a good dad and continue keeping her your main priority. She'll grow up one day and understand the situation looking back, and form her own opinions about her mom. It's up to her how she decides to handle being a mom and putting your daughter first, and that includes not creating a toxic environment in your home together.