Suprised im even in this situation

[soulstriker 274]

So alot has happened since i been this site so I will try to make it short and explain myself.  My wife ( then fiance ) came here january 2017 we got married in march 2017 , we had our long distance relationship since fall 2015 so alot of time has been put into this , i even visited twice . Ever since 2017 there has always been a communication issue between us and maybe that was because of being brought up differently im not too sure.  Arguments , verbal attacks , lack of communication , divorce threats , silent treatment , fighting have all been happening atleast once a month ever since even with having a daughter back november 2017 it never got easier. I have my faults and im willing to work on my flaws but im with someone who will delfect , provoke , and use verbal attacks to get back at me for things. She will claim im a violent person , i have a temper etc etc. but the question has always been in this two way thing we have called marriage what has her input been? Why has this husband of mine gotten mad or loud? Instead of playing the victim all the time and taking responsiblity for her own inputs in the marriage its gotten to the point where she can threaten me with divorce multiple times  , disrepects me infront of people , has called me all the names in the world , and still will blame me for everything on the sun. Right now im at my parents house and  were just taking a "break" this separation will result in two things . 1 she calls me and shes finally ready to work on ourselves and we move on on all past things or 2 we stay separated for a year and i file divorce " no fault divorce" i tihnk they call it in nc . The only thing i care about now is my daughter and there is no point trying to force someone to stay married to you if there just going to keep threatening divorce to you every month.

 

 

In this mess her 2 year GC expires next year , thoughts on what to do ?

[lierre 224]

The first years of marriage are always tumultuous. I know for ours, we were two very independent individuals who had to learn how to live together. We had a year where we fought all the time to the point when we even considered ending it. We didn’t have children. This was before my 2 year GC expired so I thought I can really truly “quit” this marriage & finally, we would be done with all the exhausting fighting.

 

One major event happened in my family life and suddenly, we had to forget all our fights and focus on this event. I then realized I could actually count on him during the worst times of my life. He realized what he truly needed to do. It’s been very smooth-sailing ever since, with a few bumps that were quickly resolved. What we realized we weren’t doing well for those first few years — not fully communicating what we needed from each other.

 

I don’t know for sure if this is what you’re going through. But, I wanted to share that in case that’s what you needed. Good communication is something that doesn’t just happen magically because you love each other. It has to be something you two create and patiently work on every single day.

 

However if you think that what’s happened to your relationship is abusive and not just a nasty conflict or misunderstanding, I would definitely consider complete separation.

Edited October 22, 2018 by ivyyy

[Unlockable 7,314]

Hi @soulstriker,

 

I remember you from your participation on the forum before. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It is true that the first few months/years of a marriage are the most difficult. If you want to work on your marriage and continue with your family, you may have to reevaluate how your communicate with her. You may need to learn deescalation skills. Trust me, I have been in a fair share of relationships where communication breakdown was the key element of conflicts. While you are separated, learn techniques of when to listen and when to speak. But with all that being said, you should never be a victim of verbal abuse yourself. If you try to communicate with her and she is still insulting and berating you, then you should keep your distance. Also, it is never good to return the insults.

 

I hope things turn around for you and get better.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

Early marriage, i.e. the part of marriage where you start living together, is rough. Our rough patch lasted for the first 6 to 9 months.

 

Do whatever you need to do to drop the anger and yelling. Try anger mgt classes if necessary. I had this same problem. Communication in our marriage didn't improve until I quit raising my voice, cold turkey. Even if the marriage doesn't last, getting rid of the anger and raising your voice will help you in all aspects of your life and make you feel better. Note, de-escalating your anger is not saying you don't fight or stand up for yourself. It's just saying that you fight in a more reasonable manner.

 

Based on what you're describing, you really aught to give couples counseling a try. If it doesn't work, at least you tried. Something you can explain to your child in 16 or 18 years.

[Going through 5,671]

Your wife is adjusting to a lot----a new country, a new marriage, and new motherhood all within a year or so.  I'm not saying that to excuse her behaviour towards you, just to give a rounded view of how she may be overwhelmed at this point.

 

Is she open to the idea of marriage counselling?

[soulstriker 274]

Not really sure one of my friends suggested it and even my parents did im just going to give her space to really think about what she wants to do because a quiet person like me who ends up yelling and throwing things  like im logan/wolverine  doesnt make any sense its not something i ever did  its out of person.  So  my plan now is just to make sure my daughter is doing well and watch over her when im off weekends or certain week days and if 2 weeks pass and shes ready to move forward fine so be it but if thats the case divorce threats , grudges , verbal abuse etc shouldnt follow anymore and i know i have my own faults as well . because really the main one who will suffer is my daughter but for now its just see what happens in a month time im not afraid of divorce and she has already mentioned that going back to nigeria may be what she needs to do , she mentioned my daughter going with her and personally i do feel odd if i was to take my daughter from her , but since shes a citizen even if shes there in nigeria ill still make sure my daughter is okay im just mentally drained and me having to do everything on my own bills and the rest hasnt made it easier on me 

[meemee1 34]

I completely nunderstand you and am going through something similar except I am the wife. It’s so hard to deal with and completely understand where your coming from 

[NikLR 13,227]

You two need to figure out how to communicate and a counselor can help.  Being separated isnt helping.  Visiting twice in 2 years certainly didnt prepare either of you for living together.  

 

Since you have a child together, you will need to figure out how to get along with her for at least the next 18 years or more. It WILL be highly strenuous on your child if you do not.  As someone whose parents did not get along, trust me.  I am very amiable with my ex for the sake of my child.  I would often like to punch him in the nose when we converse but never would because she would be the one who suffers for it.  (Only because I know how hard it is when your parents dont get along.  I have zero pictures of both my parents and me. No when I graduated high school or college or when I was married.)

 

Get counseling as the very least for yourself since you are acting outside your normal self.

 

You do not have to live with verbal abuse anymore than you have to live with physical abuse FYI.  I am not condoning going back into a relationship where you are called names and put down.  Does she know this is verbal abuse and not okay? 

Edited October 23, 2018 by NikLR

[soulstriker 274]

1 hour ago, NikLR said:

You two need to figure out how to communicate and a counselor can help.  Being separated isnt helping.  Visiting twice in 2 years certainly didnt prepare either of you for living together.  

 

Since you have a child together, you will need to figure out how to get along with her for at least the next 18 years or more. It WILL be highly strenuous on your child if you do not.  As someone whose parents did not get along, trust me.  I am very amiable with my ex for the sake of my child.  I would often like to punch him in the nose when we converse but never would because she would be the one who suffers for it.  (Only because I know how hard it is when your parents dont get along.  I have zero pictures of both my parents and me. No when I graduated high school or college or when I was married.)

 

Get counseling as the very least for yourself since you are acting outside your normal self.

 

You do not have to live with verbal abuse anymore than you have to live with physical abuse FYI.  I am not condoning going back into a relationship where you are called names and put down.  Does she know this is verbal abuse and not okay? 

 

She has not really taking things objectively there were days when I used to tell her that if anything is ever bothering you can always count on me if you want to talk it over , i basically begged for communication the first year of marriage it got to the point where the silent treatment , passive agressive behavior started and with that came my own frustation ( logan/wolverine yelling , throwing things , splashing water in her face , taking long walks , etc etc). I tried every method I tried not confronting her at all , pushing anger under the rug , tried not communicating  , tried asking for advise , tried handling issues on my own. she doesnt think logically first her thoughts go emotional first and then just on impulse and how shes feeling. Ive been accused of cheating when i havent , and then other months provoked by her own words to attempt to ( of course im not dumb). Yeah counseling may be something to do but im not taking the inital first step like i have been doing because it has not worked and i end up getting burned for it. Im guilty of yelling , letting myself get provoked , and allowing her disrespectful words to mess up my innerself.Right now shes staying at my apt with my daughter looking for a part time job apparently , right now all im doing is stopping by to see my daughter and check up on her and the babysitter. I told my wife that if you want this babysitter to stay you will have to get a job and help me pay for her( im paying for everything else on my own). She is not a all bad person but its just a few personality traits that dont mesh well with me i guess , shes a provoker and shes also not a peacemaker. She doesnt care about making sure there is peace she only cares that she makes sure she gets the last word. My sister in law , babysitter , parents , brothers and even some of my friends tried doing interventions and none of has worked . The thing i tried telling her the day i left the apt was that yes i have my own faults but what is your input in this marriage when it came to confrontations/arguments? You cant be in a two person marriage and only one person tries to solve problems , create solutions , improve the best they can , it makes it even harder for me when its a one person job trying to improve a two person marriage

[lierre 224]

9 hours ago, soulstriker said:

 

She has not really taking things objectively there were days when I used to tell her that if anything is ever bothering you can always count on me if you want to talk it over , i basically begged for communication the first year of marriage it got to the point where the silent treatment , passive agressive behavior started and with that came my own frustation ( logan/wolverine yelling , throwing things , splashing water in her face , taking long walks , etc etc). I tried every method I tried not confronting her at all , pushing anger under the rug , tried not communicating  , tried asking for advise , tried handling issues on my own. she doesnt think logically first her thoughts go emotional first and then just on impulse and how shes feeling. Ive been accused of cheating when i havent , and then other months provoked by her own words to attempt to ( of course im not dumb). Yeah counseling may be something to do but im not taking the inital first step like i have been doing because it has not worked and i end up getting burned for it. Im guilty of yelling , letting myself get provoked , and allowing her disrespectful words to mess up my innerself.Right now shes staying at my apt with my daughter looking for a part time job apparently , right now all im doing is stopping by to see my daughter and check up on her and the babysitter. I told my wife that if you want this babysitter to stay you will have to get a job and help me pay for her( im paying for everything else on my own). She is not a all bad person but its just a few personality traits that dont mesh well with me i guess , shes a provoker and shes also not a peacemaker. She doesnt care about making sure there is peace she only cares that she makes sure she gets the last word. My sister in law , babysitter , parents , brothers and even some of my friends tried doing interventions and none of has worked . The thing i tried telling her the day i left the apt was that yes i have my own faults but what is your input in this marriage when it came to confrontations/arguments? You cant be in a two person marriage and only one person tries to solve problems , create solutions , improve the best they can , it makes it even harder for me when its a one person job trying to improve a two person marriage

 

I remember our fights once got so nasty that I had to ask him, “What are we really fighting about?”

 

Eventually (and slowly), we both came to a realization that our disagreements need to be about improving our relationship and not for one of us to win. And I think that led to us being able to call each other out when we think the other is doing the latter. Then we both come to our senses and start truly talking.

 

It’s so painful to go through all this. But, you have to both be invested to improve in your relationship for you two to get through this. I’m wishing the best for you & your daughter.

 

[Daisy.Chain 317]

On 10/22/2018 at 8:36 AM, ivyyy said:

The first years of marriage are always tumultuous.

Not so. Ours were fantastic! 😁

 

However, I definitely recommend marriage counseling if things are going downhill. I wish OP the best!

[NikLR 13,227]

I think youd be better suited on a divorce or marriage counseling forum vs an immigration forum.  Unless you have a question directly related to immigration?

[soulstriker 274]

sorry for the long paragraphs just want to sum up the situation . so based on my research if she wants to stay here she can file for ROC and will get a RFE for the divorce decree when its in hand , of course if she stays the affidavit of support will still remain ( knowing her ego/pride she wont try draining me because she knows i have to support our daughter). Or if she wants to go to nigeria and her 2 year expires im basically out of the loop but i would still need to do the proper divorce filing ( ive heard that even if your ex spouse isnt in the country you can still divorce but based on state rules/law etc) Is there anything else im messing? That seems to be the paths , im guessing she could try filling vawa ( based on abuse or harship) but the scrutiny could be more especially since you would have to prove that ( ive taken care of my wife/daughter ever since so im not worried about that )

[TBoneTX 45,364]

On ‎10‎/‎23‎/‎2018 at 8:31 AM, soulstriker said:

Im guilty of yelling , letting myself get provoked , and allowing her disrespectful words to mess up my innerself.

The hardest thing in the world to remember is that no one can take our (proper, positive) attitude from us unless we let them.

[debbiedoo 2,339]

1- you need counseling - couples and individual

2- the first couple of years of marriage are generally the hardest

3- you dont really know someone after 2 visits.