Long-distance premarital counselling / counseling without a counsellor

[vanee 13]

Things are going well with my fiance and me, but we all have problems and will have more problems in the future. Reading about relationship problems here reminds me of that.

I'd like to be as prepared as possible when we're finally able to get married. But like most of us here, premarital counselling isn't an option because we can't be together for long enough until we're married.

For those of you who have had premarital counselling (before current or past marriages), can you share what was covered in premarital counselling classes? What topics did you discuss? What else did you do in the classes? What did you gain most from them? A list of what you found useful could provide good discussion topics for those of us who can only discuss at this point.

Thanks.

[raymaga 25]

Most pre-marriage counselling involves discussing basic things like communication styles, how you like to handle finances, goals in your marriage, whether or not to have children and how many, and roles and responsibilities of each person in the marriage.

I think most people can do all this on their own, even if it is long distance. My fiance and I always discussed what we wanted our lives to be like when we ended up being married.

One of the first questions I asked my husband when I met him was whether or not he had a problem with his wife not working full-time (I only wanted to work part-time and be a homemaker the rest of the time) and whether he wanted to own a home with a yard again. Those two points were very important to me, and he had points that were very important to him.

We still communicate about almost everything.

[Emancipation 2]

We did premarital counseling, and I agree with Raymaga that it is all about communication. Our Pastor asked us about what we had talked about as a couple, our goals, our struggles, our joys, our irritations, not so much to see if we were on the same page, but HOW we resolved our differences and struggles through the whole visa process. Could we compromise? Could we both get our views across in a way that was received and understood by the other person? Did we try to lash out instead of understand?

We also did some "values & preferences" testing - who should take care of children, who should take out the trash, do you think adultery is cause for a divorce etc. etc. and our pastor pointed out some places where we "thought" differently, but basically he said it's not so much about where you THINK differently, it's the fact that you can work through your differences with compassion and thoughtfulness towards the other person.

After a 1 1/2 hr session with us as a couple our pastor told us he didn't need to see us again. It sometimes doesn't need to take a LONG series of sessions, just reminders of some basics of healthy communication and then go & practice I should note our pastor was our friend, so he knew us besides just sitting down with us on one occaision.

I am ALSO a total believer in counseling as a couple "as needed".. to go to see someone if the couple is stuck, or something they can't work through.. As long as each person hits the sessions with honesty, I think it is totally helpful (with the right counselor).

[Emancipation 2]

Just saw the question about questions to ask..

I have a great book called "Spill Your Guts" by Bob Basso with questions on every topic imaginable.. you can also find all kinds of Relationship QUestions online.. it's talking.. a lot.. about everything you can imagine.. to know who you are entering into covenant with. We had talked through SO many of the major questions, kids, retirement, what our goals were, what we thought about divorce, finances etc etc. that when we got to pre-marital we were both on the same page. Talk Talk Talk Talk