Family approval

[Bluepanda92 33]

Just now, ronniebreda said:

I understand. Like I said, it is possible and I would do it again. I just wanted to share my kind of similar perspective and tell you that it is not always rainbows and butterflies. I think it is very good that you are listening to others and taking in the advice. It is your life and your final decision. I wish you both the very best on your journey! 

I haven't even started the journey yet and it's already been stressful the past few months, constantly worrying about what if this happens what if that happens etc, I've been researching the k1 and Cr-1 visa for a year, now it's the final decision I go visit him next week for a month which is when we planned to get married and apply for Cr-1 but now with all these last minute comments it's got me wondering even more what should I do, I honestly just want to go through with it (only if we get his parents support) they are really nice parents honestly I think they would help the same way they helped you, and the whole Cr-1 process is like a year waiting I could get a job and do so much in that time and he could do so much too, who knows in a year he could have his own place I feel like a year is plenty time to sort ourselves out (while waiting for the visa)

[Orangesapples 1,954]

OP, if you don't have any special skills and you would prefer to work at an office with regular working hours you could try data entry positions. They're not exactly exciting and interesting jobs but they're not bad and you get your weekends and your holidays. Maybe learn how to use MS Office, it's not hard and you might be able to find something. 

[Randyandyuni 2,682]

Tell the parents let the cards fall now

 

Do you really want your adult life together to balance on deception? If you can't even tell his parents it seems you are not ready for the trials of being married, it's not all puppies and rainbows.

 

I hope I do not sound condescending it's not my intent

[carmel34 3,637]

11 hours ago, Bluepanda92 said:

I haven't even started the journey yet and it's already been stressful the past few months, constantly worrying about what if this happens what if that happens etc, I've been researching the k1 and Cr-1 visa for a year, now it's the final decision I go visit him next week for a month which is when we planned to get married and apply for Cr-1 but now with all these last minute comments it's got me wondering even more what should I do, I honestly just want to go through with it (only if we get his parents support) they are really nice parents honestly I think they would help the same way they helped you, and the whole Cr-1 process is like a year waiting I could get a job and do so much in that time and he could do so much too, who knows in a year he could have his own place I feel like a year is plenty time to sort ourselves out (while waiting for the visa)

Make sure you take lots of documents to show strong ties to the UK:  return plane ticket, lease on apartment, letter from employer that you are expected back at work by a certain date, etc.  Look at the many previous threads on this site on the topic to have enough evidence to satisfy the officer at US POE.  When they ask the purpose of your visit and you say "to visit my boyfriend for a month and to get married," you could be denied entry if you don't have this strong evidence.  And if you try to lie your way in you risk being banned for immigration fraud.  So be careful or your plan could fall apart.

[Wuozopo 4,293]

16 hours ago, Bluepanda92 said:

So I spoke to him and he said he's fine with any decisions I make and that he will wait aslong as it takes, I had an idea that we tell his parents and then if they say they are ok with it then we will apply for the Cr-1 in September this year and if they aren't ok with it then we can wait a year or two, and we would so ask them if they would be ok for us to live with them rent free untill I get a job ( I know it's slot to ask to a parent but they are kinda rich so it wouldn't be an issue) if they aren't ok with it we can just wait what do you think of the idea 

Things to talk to the parents about:

• Who will pay the costs of immigration? Currently, just the required amount to cover getting a visa and greencard that allows you to stay. CR1-  $1230 plus £375, K1- $2055 plus £375.
• Who will pay several hundred dollars a month for your health insurance. They can't add you to their family plan because you are not their child. 
• Will they provide an affidavit of support which means they have to keep you off all welfare. They can not revoke the decision even if you divorce their son.

 

16 hours ago, Bluepanda92 said:

When it comes to immigration to another country, it's such a slippery slope the slightest mistake can ruin all chances, I learned that from everyone here including you 

Immigration is not that hard. I have seen some of the dumbest people ever get a visa. Immigration is simply a process that requires a lot of paperwork, documentation, and waiting much longer than you want to for things to happen. If you make a mistake, you get a letter telling you what you forgot to send. 

[Bluepanda92 33]

2 minutes ago, Wuozopo said:

Things to talk to the parents about:

• Who will pay the costs of immigration? Currently, just the required amount to cover getting a visa and greencard that allows you to stay. CR1-  $1230 plus £375, K1- $2055 plus £375.
• Who will pay several hundred dollars a month for your health insurance. They can't add you to their family plan because you are not their child. 
• Will they provide an affidavit of support which means they have to keep you off all welfare. They can not revoke the decision even if you divorce their son.

 

Immigration is not that hard. I have seen some of the dumbest people ever get a visa. Immigration is simply a process that requires a lot of paperwork, documentation, and waiting much longer than you want to for things to happen. If you make a mistake, you get a letter telling you what you forgot to send. 

Currently we have all the money saved for the entire visa, we got the expenses for that covered as well as travel expenses, if his parents were to say no to being joint sponsors, we would be able to get his sister to do it instead she is earning more than enough and we know she would do it, I've spent most of the day researching expenses for if we were to get his own apartment and in total for everything would be around 1,700 a month, if his parents would allow us to stay with him then it would be more like 1,000 a month, he is earning roughly 1,500-1,800 a month, if we were to go through with applying next month he would likely look for a job with higher pay, I think that having a one year wait is enough time for him to find a new job and in the meantime I'll work in the UK and send him money to help with the deposit for the apartment, if his parents agree or not they are not cruel enough to throw him out or deny me stay there, at the worst case they would let us stay there for a year if we pay rent, which I think is enough time for us to get on our feet plus with the money he's earning now I think would be enough to support us both if we are living with his parents, once I get a job we would move out , what do you think of all that? Looking for realistic advice 

[NikLR 13,227]

I've read this entire thread, I just wanted to be upfront about that.  

 

I think you're making a mature decision to wait for immigration.

 

One major thing to think about, however, is the affidavit of support.  Personally, I would never sign one for anyone other than a spouse or child.  I wouldn't sign one for a parent.  I wouldn't sign one for a friend (even a great friend.)  Not a sibling or a relative.  I would not sign one for my child's spouse.  Having been homeless, I know how easily one can be that way.  I wouldn't sign anything that promised that I could be sued by a government because misfortune hit my family and they needed support.  I would help family that were helping themselves but to sign something saying you are okay with being sued? No.  My husband and I were married for 4 months before he got a job that covered the affidavit of support requirements.  I refused to move otherwise.  I had a job and could support myself without him, and in fact could support both of us.  I needed the same from him.  He certainly had savings, from being in the military, but had spent a good portion supporting himself while job hunting (it took almost a year after leaving the military to get a decent job not working with the public.)  I think if you get a job and learn to support yourself, he should also have to do the same.  Even if he lives at home during that time, that's great since he can save more money not paying a huge rent bill or utilities.  You can learn the budgeting skills to keep you guys on track once you do immigrate.  Who knows, maybe you'll like your job and it will pay well, and he will move to the UK?!  You don't know.  So my suggestion is to wait to move until he can sign the affidavit of support on his own.  

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

19 hours ago, Bluepanda92 said:

I think we will wait, all these replies have opened my eyes alot to the bigger picture, i havnt even matured myself as an adult yet,ive never had a job before, i have social anxiety so i have no friends at all, my whole life is him, i felt like the faster i can get there then i can start getting a life and maturing, but i need to learn to mature without other peoples help

 

It is probably only because of the benefits system in the UK that you are able to not work because of your social anxiety, am I right?  I've got it and it it goes through good and bad phases.  That being said, you can definitely work with social anxiety because in America, you have to.  I honestly think both of you are taking it too fast, you because he is your whole world right now and him, because it is his first "adult" relationship.   As someone with SA to another, let me tell you that it isn't fair on your partner to take over your whole social sphere.  It'll only make your SA worse and is a burden on your relationship.  You need friends, work, and an outside life.

 

17 hours ago, Bluepanda92 said:

So I spoke to him and he said he's fine with any decisions I make and that he will wait aslong as it takes, I had an idea that we tell his parents and then if they say they are ok with it then we will apply for the Cr-1 in September this year and if they aren't ok with it then we can wait a year or two, and we would so ask them if they would be ok for us to live with them rent free untill I get a job ( I know it's alot to ask to a parent but they are kinda rich so it wouldn't be an issue) if they aren't ok with it we can just wait what do you all think of the idea  

 

This parents idea is terrible.  They are already not supportive, you living there is going to be a nightmare of epic proportions for everyone involved.  Even if you got along great, a newly married couple really should have privacy, so you can not only have intimate time, but have disagreements without others involved, or alone time together.  

 

26 minutes ago, Bluepanda92 said:

Currently we have all the money saved for the entire visa, we got the expenses for that covered as well as travel expenses, if his parents were to say no to being joint sponsors, we would be able to get his sister to do it instead she is earning more than enough and we know she would do it, I've spent most of the day researching expenses for if we were to get his own apartment and in total for everything would be around 1,700 a month, if his parents would allow us to stay with him then it would be more like 1,000 a month, he is earning roughly 1,500-1,800 a month, if we were to go through with applying next month he would likely look for a job with higher pay, I think that having a one year wait is enough time for him to find a new job and in the meantime I'll work in the UK and send him money to help with the deposit for the apartment, if his parents agree or not they are not cruel enough to throw him out or deny me stay there, at the worst case they would let us stay there for a year if we pay rent, which I think is enough time for us to get on our feet plus with the money he's earning now I think would be enough to support us both if we are living with his parents, once I get a job we would move out , what do you think of all that? Looking for realistic advice 

 

I still think the parents plan is no good.  A much better plan is you training in some skills that might transfer over and get a good paying job - think nursing or science.  I just hate to see you guys set yourselves up for a life of abject poverty.  

 

If it were me, I'd have him stay home and finish college without distractions.  Yes, your social anxiety and arrival is going to be a huge distraction.  Then, I'd train in something transferable to the US in the meantime.

[Wuozopo 4,293]

25 minutes ago, Bluepanda92 said:

what do you think of all that? Looking for realistic advice 

I think it sucks to be poor. It can spoil love and marriage quickly. But you're getting opinions and thinking it through so do what you want to do. Does $1700 a month cover rent, gas, electric, water, cable and Internet, health insurance, a cell phone plan for you, a car for you and petrol/insurance for both, clothing and food. Work it out and make a plan.

 

As far as the original question of the parents won't let you sleep together so they may oppose a marriage. That just may come down to their old fashion morals. They don't condone girlfriends coming for a sleepover under their roof. A wife would be different. My personal house rules when raising teens was no boyfriends go up to your room. Hell no to sleepovers. 

[Bluepanda92 33]

19 minutes ago, Wuozopo said:

I think it sucks to be poor. It can spoil love and marriage quickly. But you're getting opinions and thinking it through so do what you want to do. Does $1700 a month cover rent, gas, electric, water, cable and Internet, health insurance, a cell phone plan for you, a car for you and petrol/insurance for both, clothing and food. Work it out and make a plan.

 

As far as the original question of the parents won't let you sleep together so they may oppose a marriage. That just may come down to their old fashion morals. They don't condone girlfriends coming for a sleepover under their roof. A wife would be different. My personal house rules when raising teens was no boyfriends go up to your room. Hell no to sleepovers. 

1700 is enough to cover everything, but I can't drive yet so I wouldn't have a car for a while, I'd be able to get a job pretty much the moment I move there at the same place as him so we would get around 3,000 between us enough for everything and to get driving lessons, as for myself getting to work he would drop me off and pick me up or if we are lucky to get the same shifts it would be good as well 

[CJKylie 161]

12 hours ago, Bluepanda92 said:

1700 is enough to cover everything

Where is this magical place where you can survive on 1700 p/m?

 

Sincerely, Southern California

[debbiedoo 2,339]

5 hours ago, CJKylie said:

Where is this magical place where you can survive on 1700 p/m?

 

Sincerely, Southern California

Dear Southern California,

 

In a magical place, we purchased an 1800sf home on 10 acres of land for $50,000. We have four seasons and all in all, little extreme (ie hurricanes and major snow/ice) during the season called winter.  Summer is hot and humid, but we are 2 hours away from the ocean or mountains, and 15 minutes away from the lake.

 

Property taxes are around $300 year

Currently, gas (petrol), is under $2.50/gallon - and that's on a holiday weekend.

We have no smog.

We have little to no traffic if you avoid major highways (and you usually can).

For the most part, people are friendly.

Beer is cheap.

 

Sincerely,

 

Southern Virginia

 

 

Edited September 1, 2018 by debbiedoo

[Bluepanda92 33]

5 hours ago, CJKylie said:

Where is this magical place where you can survive on 1700 p/m?

 

Sincerely, Southern California

Every town has different prices, living in New York would cost like 4000 a month maybe more, I don't know I wouldn't research new York since I won't live there, anyway we are talking about renting a studio apartment not buying or renting a house so that's the first part that comes cheap at around 600 dollars rent, the rest I have it all written down here give or take some bills will be higher or lower than that, but it says average, it's not going to come to more than 2000 and even if it did it would be fine anyway cause I'll have a job at McDonald's the moment  I get there 

Edited September 1, 2018 by Bluepanda92

[JFH 12,190]

I haven’t read all of the thread. I started to but some of the comments didn’t sit well with me so I stopped. So, this may have been said before  and I may be redundant. 

 

I just wanted to offer the OP some support from someone who was in a similar situation. My family didn’t “approve” of my marriage and my husband. I say “approve” but that’s not really the correct term because at this age (I was 38 when I met my husband and he was 45, we are old enough to be grandparents so we certainly don’t need anyone’s “approval”). My family didn’t accept him and still don’t. My family are mostly Catholics and when I divorced my first husband it was a major embarrassment to them. And when they heard I was dating a man who had a criminal record and was a homeless drug addict in the 1990s (long before I met him) it was even more of a problem for them. My siblings (all 4 of them) have never met my husband and we are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary this month. My father only met him last year and my mother met him for the first time 4 months ago. They still don’t like him. This didn’t cause any problems with my visa process and I was approved on the spot at the London embassy in December 2016. I think your families should be aware of your relationship and marriage. But you don’t need to seek their approval. That’s my 2 cents on that. 

 

Regarding your young age, it’s interesting that people have been telling you that you are too young for this but at the same time boasting of their maturity and how at 19 they were raising kids, working 2 jobs, buying a home, etc. If anyone had told them at that time they were too young, what would their response have been? No one knows you better than you. I was 27 when I married my first husband and that ended in divorce. It was a big mistake. There’s no age limit on making mistakes. 

 

Of all the things that a 19-year-old could be contemplating doing right now, getting married is certainly not the worst on the list. 

[Bluepanda92 33]

16 minutes ago, JFH said:

I haven’t read all of the thread. I started to but some of the comments didn’t sit well with me so I stopped. So, this may have been said before  and I may be redundant. 

 

I just wanted to offer the OP some support from someone who was in a similar situation. My family didn’t “approve” of my marriage and my husband. I say “approve” but that’s not really the correct term because at this age (I was 38 when I met my husband and he was 45, we are old enough to be grandparents so we certainly don’t need anyone’s “approval”). My family didn’t accept him and still don’t. My family are mostly Catholics and when I divorced my first husband it was a major embarrassment to them. And when they heard I was dating a man who had a criminal record and was a homeless drug addict in the 1990s (long before I met him) it was even more of a problem for them. My siblings (all 4 of them) have never met my husband and we are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary this month. My father only met him last year and my mother met him for the first time 4 months ago. They still don’t like him. This didn’t cause any problems with my visa process and I was approved on the spot at the London embassy in December 2016. I think your families should be aware of your relationship and marriage. But you don’t need to seek their approval. That’s my 2 cents on that. 

 

Regarding your young age, it’s interesting that people have been telling you that you are too young for this but at the same time boasting of their maturity and how at 19 they were raising kids, working 2 jobs, buying a home, etc. If anyone had told them at that time they were too young, what would their response have been? No one knows you better than you. I was 27 when I married my first husband and that ended in divorce. It was a big mistake. There’s no age limit on making mistakes. 

 

Of all the things that a 19-year-old could be contemplating doing right now, getting married is certainly not the worst on the list. 

Finally someone who has a different opinion, we honestly felt so pathetic and stupid reading most of the comments assuming he is immature because of his age, I assume the only reason his parents don't let us sleep in the same room is cause they simply don't want to be in the house when we have sex, they aren't stupid they know we have sex I mean what 19 year old wouldn't do it with his girlfriend when they have the house to themselves most days and live together for 3 months. I don't think they have anything against us they just don't wanna be in the house when we do it. They have nothing against me they support our relationship, plus my family knows everything and support me, my family have it harder than his because my family will have to let their daughter go to another county and hardly see her, at least his family get to keep their son in their country and see him whenever they want they should consider themselves lucky that it's not him moving to the UK. Also even if they don't agree with the marriage they are not heartless enough to throw us out, at the very worst they would make us pay rent or give us a time limit to move out, which is perfectly fine, like my comment above we can survive alone on around 2000 a month, I'd have a job straight away at the same McDonald's he works at and we would be getting between us like 3000 a month which is more than enough to survive on our own, everyone telling us to wait and mature more as adults, but really at what age are people truly mature, I could be mature on one thing and immature on another thing, I don't consider myself fully mature and I'm 25, but that doesn't mean I'm not mature when it comes to the relationship, I understand everyones opinion that we should wait, but didn't waiting a year mean we technically wait 2 years because the Cr-1 takes a year to process, so technically if we applied now we would be waiting a year to get approved and I think a year is enough time to save up and for me to get a job in the UK, and for us to "mature" more