Family approval

[Bluepanda92 33]

1 minute ago, Jaquelly said:

I don't think any of us are being intentionally rude.

 

What we are expressing to you is that this is a huge process. When I was 19, I wasn't even ready to commit to what car I wanted, let alone a marriage. I stand by what I say, though. If you plan to live with his parents, you need to have open communication with them. 

 

You don't need their permission to file that immigration form, but everything else, good luck. You're going to need them in your corner.

Sorry i just get so offended when people assume hes immature because hes 19, hes the most mature person ive ever met, we will be telling his parents, i dont think its right to keep such a huge thing behind their backs

[Jaquelly 1,647]

Just now, Bluepanda92 said:

Sorry i just get so offended when people assume hes immature because hes 19, hes the most mature person ive ever met, we will be telling his parents, i dont think its right to keep such a huge thing behind their backs

It's hard to offend me.

 

I do worry though, on a woman to woman note. You can say that he's mature until you're blue in the face, but think about this: He's 19. You can't go to a bar together. He can't rent a car. He will likely face more issues with credit, and you will as well, since you will be starting at scratch. His insurance will cost more, and so will yours, as you'll be a UK citizen driving in America (until you get your license).

 

Application fees for apartments will be more costly, as will deposits, as neither of you have renter's history in America.

 

Frankly, if you have your feet on the ground in the UK and your own place, I'd consider moving him to you. 

[Bluepanda92 33]

1 minute ago, Jaquelly said:

It's hard to offend me.

 

I do worry though, on a woman to woman note. You can say that he's mature until you're blue in the face, but think about this: He's 19. You can't go to a bar together. He can't rent a car. He will likely face more issues with credit, and you will as well, since you will be starting at scratch. His insurance will cost more, and so will yours, as you'll be a UK citizen driving in America (until you get your license).

 

Application fees for apartments will be more costly, as will deposits, as neither of you have renter's history in America.

 

Frankly, if you have your feet on the ground in the UK and your own place, I'd consider moving him to you. 

He owns a car and we both dont drink so going to bars isnt a problem, i understand your worry though, i cant bring him here i dont have a job and i live in a room in a shared house, also we intend to live with his parents untill I have a job aswell so that i can help support us both, and hes also starting college next year 

[Crazy Cat 41,904]

There are things which are more important then his parents' approval.

jobs

income

housing

food

transportation

health care

immigration expenses

 

not necessarily in that order, but extremely important.

 

[yuna628 9,677]

OP: I'm not trying to tell you to re-evaluate your thoughts on his maturity level. I wish I could, but that's a pretty useless thing to do because as we all know, once you fall in love someone, you become rather immune to person's particular faults until typically discovering them later on. But the situation you will enter into, won't be fundamentally in a good place - when on the one hand, you say he is mature, but on the other you seemingly intend to hide the marriage and tell the parents as an afterthought or when you're going to file paperwork and then intending to live in their house. Those things cannot exist on the same level.

 

My suggestion here is: tell them. If he won't tell them, then you've got a lot of things to start worrying about.

 

When I met my husband we were quite young (we are much older and greyer now) and I knew that he was the one for me. But in no way were we ready for marriage. Emotionally or financially. My parents welcomed and accepted our relationship and him into our home over the years as we both grew much older and life changed when we were ready. Financially your fiancé is barely scraping by, and he will expect his parents to allow him to bring his wife and live there in the home. So since you are not going to be living on your own, their hold over their son in this matter will be strong in being able to maintain some sort of a life together when you officially arrive. So like it or lump it, their opinion is going to matter here, unless he intends to cut ties and do what needs to be done to be independent.

 

So let's imagine they aren't going to be happy about it. What will you two do then?

 

You currently have no job in the UK. What transferable skills do you have to utilize in the US? He expects you to support him as he decides to go to college? So what happens when you cannot find a job in the US as quickly as you'd like? Where will your insurance come from? Does he pay rent to his parents? Who pays for his food, the electricity, etc? Having a cosponsor will get you here, yes. But life is much more beyond that financially.

 

[Jaquelly 1,647]

3 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

OP: I'm not trying to tell you to re-evaluate your thoughts on his maturity level. I wish I could, but that's a pretty useless thing to do because as we all know, once you fall in love someone, you become rather immune to person's particular faults until typically discovering them later on. But the situation you will enter into, won't be fundamentally in a good place - when on the one hand, you say he is mature, but on the other you seemingly intend to hide the marriage and tell the parents as an afterthought or when you're going to file paperwork and then intending to live in their house. Those things cannot exist on the same level.

 

My suggestion here is: tell them. If he won't tell them, then you've got a lot of things to start worrying about.

 

When I met my husband we were quite young (we are much older and greyer now) and I knew that he was the one for me. But in no way were we ready for marriage. Emotionally or financially. My parents welcomed and accepted our relationship and him into our home over the years as we both grew much older and life changed when we were ready. Financially your fiancé is barely scraping by, and he will expect his parents to allow him to bring his wife and live there in the home. So since you are not going to be living on your own, their hold over their son in this matter will be strong in being able to maintain some sort of a life together when you officially arrive. So like it or lump it, their opinion is going to matter here, unless he intends to cut ties and do what needs to be done to be independent.

 

So let's imagine they aren't going to be happy about it. What will you two do then?

 

You currently have no job in the UK. What transferable skills do you have to utilize in the US? He expects you to support him as he decides to go to college? So what happens when you cannot find a job in the US as quickly as you'd like? Where will your insurance come from? Does he pay rent to his parents? Who pays for his food, the electricity, etc? Having a cosponsor will get you here, yes. But life is much more beyond that financially.

 

Thank you for vocalizing the points that so many of us are trying to make without being cruel. I wish happiness to everyone, but there is so much more to this process than just finding the one.

[Bluepanda92 33]

2 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

OP: I'm not trying to tell you to re-evaluate your thoughts on his maturity level. I wish I could, but that's a pretty useless thing to do because as we all know, once you fall in love someone, you become rather immune to person's particular faults until typically discovering them later on. But the situation you will enter into, won't be fundamentally in a good place - when on the one hand, you say he is mature, but on the other you seemingly intend to hide the marriage and tell the parents as an afterthought or when you're going to file paperwork and then intending to live in their house. Those things cannot exist on the same level.

 

My suggestion here is: tell them. If he won't tell them, then you've got a lot of things to start worrying about.

 

When I met my husband we were quite young (we are much older and greyer now) and I knew that he was the one for me. But in no way were we ready for marriage. Emotionally or financially. My parents welcomed and accepted our relationship and him into our home over the years as we both grew much older and life changed when we were ready. Financially your fiancé is barely scraping by, and he will expect his parents to allow him to bring his wife and live there in the home. So since you are not going to be living on your own, their hold over their son in this matter will be strong in being able to maintain some sort of a life together when you officially arrive. So like it or lump it, their opinion is going to matter here, unless he intends to cut ties and do what needs to be done to be independent.

 

So let's imagine they aren't going to be happy about it. What will you two do then?

 

You currently have no job in the UK. What transferable skills do you have to utilize in the US? He expects you to support him as he decides to go to college? So what happens when you cannot find a job in the US as quickly as you'd like? Where will your insurance come from? Does he pay rent to his parents? Who pays for his food, the electricity, etc? Having a cosponsor will get you here, yes. But life is much more beyond that financially.

 

he will still be working while in college, he dosnt have to pay rent or bills and most food is out of his parents pockets right now, although i could see some of that changing if i lived with them, we will be telling his parents after reading the replies, the worst that would happen is they wont accept it, they wouldnt throw us out though he knows them well enough to know that, as for me id work at mcdonalds or somewhere like that, i dont really have any good skills i can bring over

[Crazy Cat 41,904]

With maturity and wisdom comes the ability to set proper priorities which are in our long term best interest.

Good Luck.

 

Missileman out....

 

[debbiedoo 2,339]

35 minutes ago, Bluepanda92 said:

I understand that men under the age of 20 are young, but im sorry i dont need you all assuming how mature he is, I KNOW who he is I KNOW how mature he is, none of you have seen how mature he is, we have known and planned this already for one year, it was a simple question to tell his parents or not, i dont need everyone telling me that he is young and immature, sorry to offend i dont mean to, im just saying that I KNOW he is young, but i also know who he is, and what he most certainly is, is mature 

At 19, I owned a house, was married, went to college full time, worked full time and had a baby. 

 

You can be mature for your age and still able to ROYALLY screw things up. Because being mature isn't the same as being GROWN.

 

Well, in my case my ex screwed things up, mostly, but that's neither here nor there. And oh yeah... he was 7 years older than me. So... kinda know what I"m talking about. 

 

Do what you want, you will anyways. But you're only making a bigger mess of things.

[mushroomspore 3,044]

None of us are really trying to convince you of anything here. We know that you're not suddenly going to say, "Wow, I'm going to look at my relationship with a completely new perspective. Thanks, Internet strangers!". We know that. Apologies if that comes across as sarcastic or cynical (I am just that way). But I am not trying to offend. I AM, however, genuinely making a point that I think you agree with.

 

What we ARE trying to do is simply direct your attention to the big picture here. It's not simply a matter of, "Let's fill out these forms. Okay we are approved and now I'm going to the US." There are other aspects that need to be considered. All those things will either strengthen or damage your relationship. There are things beyond, "We want to be together." That's all we're saying and asking you to think about. 

[Bluepanda92 33]

3 minutes ago, debbiedoo said:

At 19, I owned a house, was married, went to college full time, worked full time and had a baby. 

 

You can be mature for your age and still able to ROYALLY screw things up. Because being mature isn't the same as being GROWN.

 

Well, in my case my ex screwed things up, mostly, but that's neither here nor there. And oh yeah... he was 7 years older than me. So... kinda know what I"m talking about. 

 

Do what you want, you will anyways. But you're only making a bigger mess of things.

how will we make a bigger mess of things? we are going to tell his parents

[Bluepanda92 33]

8 minutes ago, mushroomspore said:

None of us are really trying to convince you of anything here. We know that you're not suddenly going to say, "Wow, I'm going to look at my relationship with a completely new perspective. Thanks, Internet strangers!". We know that. Apologies if that comes across as sarcastic or cynical (I am just that way). But I am not trying to offend. I AM, however, genuinely making a point that I think you agree with.

 

What we ARE trying to do is simply direct your attention to the big picture here. It's not simply a matter of, "Let's fill out these forms. Okay we are approved and now I'm going to the US." There are other aspects that need to be considered. All those things will either strengthen or damage your relationship. There are things beyond, "We want to be together." That's all we're saying and asking you to think about. 

So you think we should wait and let him mature some more? 

[Roel 7,192]

5 minutes ago, Bluepanda92 said:

So you think we should wait and let him mature some more? 

You should wait until you both can afford a life together and on your own. That's a responsible thing to do. 

[mushroomspore 3,044]

7 minutes ago, Bluepanda92 said:

So you think we should wait and let him mature some more? 

Let both of you AND your relationship mature more.

[Jaquelly 1,647]

1 minute ago, Roel said:

You should wait until you both can afford a life together and on your own. That's a responsible thing to do. 

We're in our 30s and it was still a pain in the rear to save the money to get the immigration forms paid for, moving expenses, medical, etc.

 

@Bluepanda92 PLEASE do not make hasty decisions. If you guys love each other, saving up money and growing together is a hurdle worth jumping.