Domestic Violence(Pending) issues with customs

[Ryan H 3,812]

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[E & J 2018 132]

I would think that they will assume that this altercation did take place and after the drinks settled and the mind cleared, you are trying to back peddle and now claim that nothing really happened. This could be a real problem down the road. 

[Eric-Pris 1,606]

You are the one who broke the law, filing a false police report.

 

I hope that you get help for your drinking problem.

 

 

Edited August 20, 2018 by Eric-Pris

[Villanelle 4,122]

Goingthrough already posted a lot of good info.

 

IF she travels CBP will see when they take her prints that she has a DV arrest pending but no conviction yet. She will go to secondary (so allow for a lot of time) where they will question her about this. She can be in secondary for hours. Its not a wonderful place to be. Depending on her answers, the Officers mood, and how lucky you are they can do several different things.

 

They can let her in.

 

They can deny her entry since its a deportable crime she is charged with,

 

They can admit her but send her to a detention center until her court date.

 

Having a second wedding celebration is great- but it will be overshadowed by her being detained or refused entry.  So any good memories of the trip will be long forgotten.

 

[Ash.1101 1,756]

17 minutes ago, Damara said:

Goingthrough already posted a lot of good info.

 

IF she travels CBP will see when they take her prints that she has a DV arrest pending but no conviction yet. She will go to secondary (so allow for a lot of time) where they will question her about this. She can be in secondary for hours. Its not a wonderful place to be. Depending on her answers, the Officers mood, and how lucky you are they can do several different things.

 

They can let her in.

 

They can deny her entry since its a deportable crime she is charged with,

 

They can admit her but send her to a detention center until her court date.

 

Having a second wedding celebration is great- but it will be overshadowed by her being detained or refused entry.  So any good memories of the trip will be long forgotten.

 

Agree'd on that last bit.

Going and doing the wedding knowing that your wife could be denied entry or put in a detention center is basically just putting on a show knowing the house is going to burn down once it's done. It's not worth it at all.

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

Oh wow.

 

Well. For starters. You're on the internet. You can't expect to post a story like that and not expect people to pass judgement. You did a really stupid thing. Nobody here is going to caudle you for that. There are a lot of people - on this website, in particular - who are going through uncontrollable struggles and doing everything they can to successfully complete their immigration processes. Your wife is one of them. And you absolutely effected that for her, against her wishes. This will follow her. As others have said, she will have to answer for this and disclose this many times from here on out. If she's still pending AOS, she isn't even an LPR yet.

 

MANY people have given you the wisest advice you will get in this situation - do not leave the country right now. Even without any sort of criminal arrest, intending immigrants are NOT guaranteed re-entry with Advanced Parole. It is not a green card or passport. You can still be denied re-entry for a variety of reasons. Having a DV arrest on TOP of that does NOT HELP.

 

Is this post-marriage celebration more important than the possibility of your wife not making it back? Or not ever being able to come back to the states? Your absolute worst case scenario is for your wife to be denied re-entry, particularly while this thing is hanging over your heads since you haven't even technically dropped the charges yet...?? Did I read that right? You are quite literally setting her up for the worst case scenario. For a wedding. Yes, you spent money on that. But I feel that would be a drop in the bucket to completely wreck her process and have to potentially start all over again from the beginning.

 

I am having a hard time feeling any empathy for you. All I hear when I read this thread is selfish excuses. Your wife has had to pay for what happened, but you seemingly haven't. You made some kind of "agreement" where you don't have to take accountability for filing a false report. You missed the first court date, knowing this could have cleared things up for your wife a lot sooner. Work issues or not, I find hardly any reason greater than that, that's worth missing it for. You're more concerned about the money you've spent on this celebration than you are about your wife's immigration. You've literally been told what this could mean for her, and you continue to respond with "but my moneeeeeey".

 

Fix this for your wife. Or at least try to. Otherwise, what's the point of the wedding?

 

My sympathy is with your wife.

[geowrian 22,337]

1 hour ago, Paul & Mallory said:

Your wife has had to pay for what happened, but you seemingly haven't.

^ This. *slow clap*

[lysander 14]

On 8/20/2018 at 9:51 AM, E & J 2018 said:

I would think that they will assume that this altercation did take place and after the drinks settled and the mind cleared, you are trying to back peddle and now claim that nothing really happened. This could be a real problem down the road. 

What I suspect happened is that his wife assaulted him on purpose, he reported her to the cops to try to teach her a lesson, and then after looking at the evidence, the cops insisted on pressing charges; and now he wants to drop the charges because he hadn't intended to give her a criminal record and jeopardize her immigration and their relationship. It sounds like he's decided to take all the blame in order to protect his wife and keep the family together.

 

He says, "my wife tripped over the baby stroller. When that was happening she tried to grab me and scratch me accidently from neck and face". That sounds a lot like how battered women will say, "Oh, I slipped and fell downstairs and bruised myself" when actually their husband beat them.

 

How often does a woman trip and fall and accidentally scratch someone? That hardly ever happens, but some women will claw at their husbands when they get angry. That kind of behavior is called Situational Couple Violence, and it's something a lot of women are prone to.

 

I can understand why a husband would want to call the cops and get documentation of his side of the story after an altercation; you never know what's going to happen later in a relationship, so sometimes you need to act defensively to make sure the other person's wrongful acts get written down, so that later they don't get to unilaterally establish a one-sided narrative.

 

I've been in this kind of situation before, where I got physically assaulted by an immigrant wife, and thought to myself, "I could report this, just to document that she's behaved violently in this relationship; but I'm just going to let it slide because I don't really feel all that threatened by her." Well, later she ended up accusing me of violence, and the cops ended up with a one-sided narrative because she made a report and I didn't. So that's why I say, the OP didn't really do anything wrong in trying to cover himself by making a report. He's just avoiding making the kind of mistake I made.

 

It's too bad that she might end up not being able to get back in the country if they go this wedding, but maybe she shouldn't have scratched him, especially when her immigration case was still pending. Oh well, it's too much to expect that kind of self-control when passions flare up, so hopefully immigration will take that into account and be understanding about it.

Edited September 16, 2018 by lysander

[lysander 14]

I wonder if it helps at all to explain to immigration that domestic violence doesn't mean the same thing across all cultures. For example, I think a lot of times, when men get assaulted by their wives, they think, "Well, she's just being emotionally expressive. She's just trying to get her point across forcefully, and I shouldn't take it as anything more than that."

 

It's like how in Filipino culture, if your wife goes into a jealous rage, you don't take it as a sign that she's abusive; you take it as meaning she loves you, because if she didn't care about you, she wouldn't be so possessive and suspicious to the point of paranoia. It's the same way if your wife scratches the hell out of your face and neck; she wouldn't get angry enough to do that if she didn't have strong feelings toward you. So, at least you know she's not indifferent toward you; she's literally willing to fight for the relationship, even though American culture and law might say that's not the appropriate way.

 

But, because of the influence of the feminists, American immigration authorities will probably say, "This suggests there could be power and control issues" when really that's not necessarily what it's about. It sounds like just a lover's spat that led to reconciliation; but the authorities will say, "That's the cycle of abuse."

Edited September 16, 2018 by lysander

[TBoneTX 45,267]

What matters are the standards and definitions of domestic violence here, and not tolerating even one instance of it.

[lysander 14]

1 hour ago, TBoneTX said:

What matters are the standards and definitions of domestic violence here, and not tolerating even one instance of it.

 

But it sounds like in this instance the victim got punished for reporting domestic violence, because now he's either going to lose the money he put into the wedding, or potentially lose his wife when she can't get back into the country. If the relationship ends, he would also probably be the one paying for the divorce, and having to eat the loss of the money he put into the visa petitions, and the travel expenses from going to see her in the Dominican Republic, and everything else he invested in building the relationship. Plus, who knows if he'd be able to find a new woman to replace her whom he liked as much. So arguably, he would be the one getting the harsher punishment, even though he didn't do anything wrong.

 

This is why so many people decide to let instances of domestic violence slide -- they don't want to do anything to hurt the person they're trying to build a future with, because that would get in the way of their plans. It's the same reason why a lot of parents, if they catch their kid with pot, will throw it in the toilet rather than calling the cops to hand it over as evidence. They don't want to see their family member getting a criminal record. The parent who gets his kid arrested will be the one getting punished for it when he has to keep paying for their room and board for many years into their adulthood because they can't get a decent job due to a drug conviction.

 

These types of situations, where a family member is the offender, have no perfect solution, so it's just a question of what's going to be the lesser of possible evils.

Edited September 16, 2018 by lysander

[geowrian 22,337]

Feminists have nothing to do with it. Violence is violence. The law is the law. The US criminal system follows US laws and procedures.

Either she did attack him and it will likely be a significant issue for immigration, or she didn't and he made a false police report. Nobody here can be certain of which one it is.

[Villanelle 4,122]

18 hours ago, lysander said:

I wonder if it helps at all to explain to immigration that domestic violence doesn't mean the same thing across all cultures. For example, I think a lot of times, when men get assaulted by their wives, they think, "Well, she's just being emotionally expressive. She's just trying to get her point across forcefully, and I shouldn't take it as anything more than that."

 

It's like how in Filipino culture, if your wife goes into a jealous rage, you don't take it as a sign that she's abusive; you take it as meaning she loves you, because if she didn't care about you, she wouldn't be so possessive and suspicious to the point of paranoia. It's the same way if your wife scratches the hell out of your face and neck; she wouldn't get angry enough to do that if she didn't have strong feelings toward you. So, at least you know she's not indifferent toward you; she's literally willing to fight for the relationship, even though American culture and law might say that's not the appropriate way.

 

But, because of the influence of the feminists, American immigration authorities will probably say, "This suggests there could be power and control issues" when really that's not necessarily what it's about. It sounds like just a lover's spat that led to reconciliation; but the authorities will say, "That's the cycle of abuse."

 

12 hours ago, lysander said:

 

But it sounds like in this instance the victim got punished for reporting domestic violence, because now he's either going to lose the money he put into the wedding, or potentially lose his wife when she can't get back into the country. If the relationship ends, he would also probably be the one paying for the divorce, and having to eat the loss of the money he put into the visa petitions, and the travel expenses from going to see her in the Dominican Republic, and everything else he invested in building the relationship. Plus, who knows if he'd be able to find a new woman to replace her whom he liked as much. So arguably, he would be the one getting the harsher punishment, even though he didn't do anything wrong.

 

This is why so many people decide to let instances of domestic violence slide -- they don't want to do anything to hurt the person they're trying to build a future with, because that would get in the way of their plans. It's the same reason why a lot of parents, if they catch their kid with pot, will throw it in the toilet rather than calling the cops to hand it over as evidence. They don't want to see their family member getting a criminal record. The parent who gets his kid arrested will be the one getting punished for it when he has to keep paying for their room and board for many years into their adulthood because they can't get a decent job due to a drug conviction.

 

These types of situations, where a family member is the offender, have no perfect solution, so it's just a question of what's going to be the lesser of possible evils.

I understand what you are trying to say, the thing is people have free will and the ability to make judgement calls.  There is NO LAW in the US that says you must report every violation of law you see. (participating in the crime or planning it is another story). But if you see a robbery or observe an assault or child abuse- morally you should do the right thing but legally you have no requirement to tell the police. You see this a lot with 'potential' child abuse. Someone striking their kids in public or rough handling them and a storm of FB posts saying should I report this? Its a judgement call.

If you know your wife is 'expressive' like that and do not consider it abuse- continue living like that. I wish you two a long life of happiness together.  

But for whatever reason the OP decided to contact the police- so he either felt threatened or (as he alluded to) he was trying to use the police for some kind of personal gain. (he said it wasnt his intention to get her arrested he wanted a police report...a police report for what I dont know if they are a intensely loving couple and have no problems you dont collect police reports on each other, you gather them to protect yourself, for advantages in divorce/child custody/to exude power over the other person ie-I can get you sent to jail whenever I want. 

So I have no sympathy for the OP- he chose this. If it wasnt a valid DV incident he should not have reported it as such. Any consequences for making said report he deserves. 

[lysander 14]

5 hours ago, Damara said:

 

If you know your wife is 'expressive' like that and do not consider it abuse- continue living like that. I wish you two a long life of happiness together.  

A lot of men feel morally obligated to stay in a marriage and try to make it work, even if they're being mistreated, because they made a commitment. And a lot of them feel like they don't have other options either, unless they want to be alone. The mate market these days just isn't very favorable to the average man these days, because so many women are chasing after Chad.

 

The other thing is, there's a cultural presumption that women are not as responsible for their behavior as men are (which is why there are sayings like "it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind" even though men are expected to be resolute and decisive, and stand by their promises). Emotional outbursts, tantrums, etc. from women, even if they cross the line into physicality, are something men are used to looking at as normal female behavior, and maybe even cute because it's so juvenile. However, unlike a parent, a husband has limited options for trying to impose some discipline on a girl who's being childishly bad-tempered and disruptive; so that's where a problem arises.

 

5 hours ago, Damara said:

But for whatever reason the OP decided to contact the police- so he either felt threatened or (as he alluded to) he was trying to use the police for some kind of personal gain. (he said it wasnt his intention to get her arrested he wanted a police report...a police report for what I dont know if they are a intensely loving couple and have no problems you dont collect police reports on each other, you gather them to protect yourself, for advantages in divorce/child custody/to exude power over the other person ie-I can get you sent to jail whenever I want. 

So I have no sympathy for the OP- he chose this. If it wasnt a valid DV incident he should not have reported it as such. Any consequences for making said report he deserves. 

What else was he supposed to do? He's not allowed to hit her back, so how is he going to keep her behavior in check? He can dump her and try to find someone else, but given he had to look to another country for a bride, I'm presuming he didn't have a lot of good options of American women to be with, or he would've just chosen one of them, and avoided having to go through the visa process. She must have been special to him, to be worth dealing with that system.

 

But there's such a thing, even when you're dealing with those who have the potential to be good family members, of "keeping honest people honest". There needs to be discipline and order in the family, and clear lines of authority, and standards of what's acceptable and unacceptable, or it descends into chaos. It sounds like he was trying to get the situation under control by obtaining a police report he could hold over her head to deter future bad behavior (by establishing that there was a pattern of it), but then events took an unexpected turn when the cops insisted on pressing charges.

[Villanelle 4,122]

@lysander  You have an incredibly twisted view of things. If you have health insurance then you are covered by it for a therapist. They can be really helpful if you are open to it. 

 

But Im not going to respond to you any further since I know you do this often - start posting off topic extreme POVs- in the main forums instead of CEHST and I really dont want to play this game. Best of luck to you. !!