Moving to the US from African/non-western cultures

[TPC 0]

This is a very interesting topic. My husband didn't understand either before he came to America. He thought that every American was rich. I tried to explan to him before he came here that we live on credit. He has been here now for seven months and he understands now. He knows now that we have bills here and the bills get to you before the money does. When he saw the bills that I have to pay monthly he was shocked. He realizes now that we pay for things here in America that don't even exist in Africa.

We have problems though also with family members calling on payday for money. They teach them that they are obligated to take care of the family in Africa when they come to America. They really don't understand the way we live. I know that the quality of life here is better, but we pay dearly for it. Nothing is given to us. He is adjusting well to life here in America. He also puts his phone on silent now so that he can rest, due to the fact that the phone calls start early in the morning from Africa. I have learned that it takes a lot of patience when you marry a person from another culture, but it gets better everyday.

[blah0323 0]

I've also learned the hard way that just cause they are putting the pressure on to send money, doesn't necessarily mean they are not going to survive without it. Sometimes it's more of a game then anything else.

This is true because what were they doing prior to him working. I truly know the experience of this.

[chispas 0]

Hola Ladies,

To me, this discussion is one that probably needs to be repeated on a weekly basis as things constantly change as our loved ones arrive here, learn something new etc.

I agree with everyone who said to keep their husbands/fiances busy. That is one of the best things that one can do until they find work or start school. To follow-up on the original question, perhaps we all know that there might be sadness, unmet expectations or even depression after arriving and seeing the reality of living in the United States. To me the important thing is how that depression or sadness manifests itself. If your spouse can share those feelings with you and verbalize their beliefs, that would be great! Anything to get the discussion out in the open is tantamount to weathering that bumpy road. As was said before in may different ways, no matter how you talk about it, hearing about and living in America are two totally different thing

[southernchic 0]

I agree with Jomo's girl that a lot of people from other countries are caught up in the image of US riches and wealth and some people WON"T realize the truth until they see it with their own eyes.

For example, I constantly complained to my husband about money before he moved here and even after he came to the US but....he still didn't get it until he started working and had to contribute and help pay bills. He expected to have more money saved and more disposable income.

And I won't lie I think iit is very common for people who come here and try to live up to the American dream. Even when they go home I've heard that people try to make it seem as if they're living large when they aren't.

My husband told me that he can't go home until he has money. I never realized how much pressure there was to make money. I've heard of people who don't go home for years because they don't have any REAL money.

when immigrants don't live up all these expectations right way -- no matter how unreal they are -- its bound to cause stress. Part of my reason for posting this story to just to show that not every visa journey story is all roses and romance. People come to the US with a lot of high expections. People, like me, who bring them here also have expectations. It's a lot of work. A lot of stress. And sharing these stories, perhaps we can support each other.

Sonya

No kidding. People seem to think that America has money trees that are always in season you just go and pluck whenever you want.

My finace already has a brother who moved here a few years ago and so he knows the process is not easy let alone living here. A couple of months ago he made me give him a list of all my monthly expenses and when he finished adding it all up he just went quiet. He couldn't believe it. Of course he was comparing it to how much he spends in Ghana but in America there are so many other things that we pay for that do not even exist in Ghana. The amount of money I pay for one month's rent on my one bedroom apartment could get me a freaking mansion in Ghana for five months.

I am just happy that my finace is willing to learn about these things and understands that my salary, which sounds wonderful in Ghanaian terms, is not all that much when you look at all the endless bills that keep coming. But I don't think the reality will hit him until he is here seeing it for himself.

Absolute truth.

I am going to say it again........NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY THEY UNDERSTAND, THEY WILL NOT UNTIL THEY EXPERIENCE IT. The first phone bill nearly blew Andre away. For some reason, he thought phone calls to Jamaica were free (even though I openly complained about the bills for months, years.....)

[southernchic 0]

Aww thanks. My husband's family isn't calling him all the time pressuring him for money. But I have to say that I didn't realize how much pressure he put on himself to save money, to have money and to become a success right away.

Sonya

My husband has been here three years and is still dealing with the stress of sending money home and accmulating debt. He is freaking out about all the debt he has accumulated. We had continuous discussions before he came to the U.S. about how it REALLY is in American plus he knew how hard I was struggling. It's a different story now that he's in it and his family is pressuring him to send money home. He recently changed his cell phone number so they can't call him anymore. Southernchic, I'm feeling you girl.....big time.....

[southernchic 0]

Wow. So many great points.

I'm glad ppl are receptive to this discussion the person who gets off the plane from their home country will be a different person in 6 months, 12 months and even years thereafter. Things do change. Both spouses have to be patient and open to learn. Thanks for all the support and the shared stories.

Who's going to write the first chapter of our Visa Journey Guide book???? I think we should call it International Dating/Marriage for Dummies.

Sonya

Hola Ladies,

To me, this discussion is one that probably needs to be repeated on a weekly basis as things constantly change as our loved ones arrive here, learn something new etc.

I agree with everyone who said to keep their husbands/fiances busy. That is one of the best things that one can do until they find work or start school. To follow-up on the original question, perhaps we all know that there might be sadness, unmet expectations or even depression after arriving and seeing the reality of living in the United States. To me the important thing is how that depression or sadness manifests itself. If your spouse can share those feelings with you and verbalize their beliefs, that would be great! Anything to get the discussion out in the open is tantamount to weathering that bumpy road. As was said before in may different ways, no matter how you talk about it, hearing about and living in America are two totally different thing

[JODO 2]

Wow. So many great points.

I'm glad ppl are receptive to this discussion the person who gets off the plane from their home country will be a different person in 6 months, 12 months and even years thereafter. Things do change. Both spouses have to be patient and open to learn. Thanks for all the support and the shared stories.

Who's going to write the first chapter of our Visa Journey Guide book???? I think we should call it International Dating/Marriage for Dummies.

Sonya

Hola Ladies,

To me, this discussion is one that probably needs to be repeated on a weekly basis as things constantly change as our loved ones arrive here, learn something new etc.

I agree with everyone who said to keep their husbands/fiances busy. That is one of the best things that one can do until they find work or start school. To follow-up on the original question, perhaps we all know that there might be sadness, unmet expectations or even depression after arriving and seeing the reality of living in the United States. To me the important thing is how that depression or sadness manifests itself. If your spouse can share those feelings with you and verbalize their beliefs, that would be great! Anything to get the discussion out in the open is tantamount to weathering that bumpy road. As was said before in may different ways, no matter how you talk about it, hearing about and living in America are two totally different thing

Sounds like a best-seller already!

[Darkchild80 0]

I have an unique situation. My husband was born and raised in Nigeria but he lived in Canada for 10 years. Canada is very identical to the US. My husband worked and struggled in Canada. He understands how the system works here.

It is funny to hear Southern Chic because my husband has a dream of owning a business and being rich. I stand behind my husband but I have continiously explained that the business world is different in the US than Nigeria. His family has a very very success family business in Nigeria. I believe he is comparing the USA to Nigeria. In Nigeria, there is no credit and bills. Anyone can start a business on the streets. I explain that you have to buy property, apply for business loans, and etc. I don't think my husband is getting the idea but my job is to stand behind him and to encourage his dream. I believe in God anything is possible. You never know our husbands could be the next business moguls!!!

[*JG* 2]

I absolutely love the honesty of this thread. No, life in the US with your SO is not all romance and roses. It is as hard here as everywhere else. But, in the end, it can all work out. Patience, understanding, communication, trust, and hard work.

[ForeverAmen 0]

I have an unique situation. My husband was born and raised in Nigeria but he lived in Canada for 10 years. Canada is very identical to the US. My husband worked and struggled in Canada. He understands how the system works here.

It is funny to hear Southern Chic because my husband has a dream of owning a business and being rich. I stand behind my husband but I have continiously explained that the business world is different in the US than Nigeria. His family has a very very success family business in Nigeria. I believe he is comparing the USA to Nigeria. In Nigeria, there is no credit and bills. Anyone can start a business on the streets. I explain that you have to buy property, apply for business loans, and etc. I don't think my husband is getting the idea but my job is to stand behind him and to encourage his dream. I believe in God anything is possible. You never know our husbands could be the next business moguls!!!

I highly respect your mindset of standing behind your husband and encouraging his dreams. I've stated before, 'always encourage and support his desires'. But be careful as not to paint for him a 'false' picture; better yet - be sure that HE does not paint a false picture for himself. My husband too desires to start his own business. I'm believing in God that it will happen, and I will be with him every step of the way. Nevertheless, I am always a 'keep it real' type of person. I've shared with him the details of a Business Plan, what the bank considers, and why good credit is so important. In his case, this helps him to understand why he needs to hurry and establish some type of credit (he does not believe in credit cards). In addition, it also helps him to realize that having money to start a business is a real thing, and with all involved (loans, leasing/buying property, etc.) hard work and strong determination is important. Your husband (like mine) may not be getting the idea at the moment, but if he continues to think that dreams will come true over night, I believe it will become a 'set back' rather than encourage him to keep moving forward.

Just my thoughts, but as I mentioned ......... I highly respect your stance on standing by him, that's very important.

Boaz

[Jennifer + James 0]

This is a great thread because it made me reflect on my own expectations as the American already living here.

Right now I am a university student, so working full time is quite a challenge. Though I am doing my best, my thinking up until reading this thread was that as soon as my fiance arrives, he would be able to start working too so that we would actually have enough money pay rent and bills, etc...and I am not even sure what kind of pressure he will have from back home to add to that!

But it occurred to me right now...how soon can fiance visa holders start work? Does it take several months to get the right paperwork... I know the SSN will take some time, but I was under the impression that there was a way to start work before having that.

I really appreciate any info so that my expectations dont get too crazy!

[Zee Bee 61]

Unless he gets the temporary EAD stamp at the airport (I believe JFK is the only one that dtill gives them out) then he would have to wait until you apply for it.

This is from another thread:

The Temp EAD is only valid for 90 days from the date you entered and then you will have to stop working until you get the 1 year EAD that you can apply for with your AOS".

You also need a SSN to work so you need to apply for that ASAP if your fiance gets the temp EAD.

I hope this helps

Zee

[Darkchild80 0]

I have an unique situation. My husband was born and raised in Nigeria but he lived in Canada for 10 years. Canada is very identical to the US. My husband worked and struggled in Canada. He understands how the system works here.

It is funny to hear Southern Chic because my husband has a dream of owning a business and being rich. I stand behind my husband but I have continiously explained that the business world is different in the US than Nigeria. His family has a very very success family business in Nigeria. I believe he is comparing the USA to Nigeria. In Nigeria, there is no credit and bills. Anyone can start a business on the streets. I explain that you have to buy property, apply for business loans, and etc. I don't think my husband is getting the idea but my job is to stand behind him and to encourage his dream. I believe in God anything is possible. You never know our husbands could be the next business moguls!!!

I highly respect your mindset of standing behind your husband and encouraging his dreams. I've stated before, 'always encourage and support his desires'. But be careful as not to paint for him a 'false' picture; better yet - be sure that HE does not paint a false picture for himself. My husband too desires to start his own business. I'm believing in God that it will happen, and I will be with him every step of the way. Nevertheless, I am always a 'keep it real' type of person. I've shared with him the details of a Business Plan, what the bank considers, and why good credit is so important. In his case, this helps him to understand why he needs to hurry and establish some type of credit (he does not believe in credit cards). In addition, it also helps him to realize that having money to start a business is a real thing, and with all involved (loans, leasing/buying property, etc.) hard work and strong determination is important. Your husband (like mine) may not be getting the idea at the moment, but if he continues to think that dreams will come true over night, I believe it will become a 'set back' rather than encourage him to keep moving forward.

Just my thoughts, but as I mentioned ......... I highly respect your stance on standing by him, that's very important.

Boaz

Boaz,

I am a "keep it real" person too! I have explained the difficulties of starting a business to my husband millions of times. He is so determined on reaching this goal. He is enrolled in school and I always mention, "Why don't you get a degree and find a job with a good company?" He is not satisfied with working for someone else. I feel that my husband will have to learn the difficulties on his own! Just like when we were teens our parents constantly preached to have us avoid things in life. Many of us still went out and made mistakes. Now we have learned our lesson. Our husbands will have to venture out into the business world and learn the hardships for themselves! Our husbands might become successful and we could have stopped their dreams. If he fails at business than he has learned a lesson in life. As I stated before, I support my husband in any decision that he makes. He will have to learn for himself!

Just my two cents again!

[ForeverAmen 0]

I have an unique situation. My husband was born and raised in Nigeria but he lived in Canada for 10 years. Canada is very identical to the US. My husband worked and struggled in Canada. He understands how the system works here.

It is funny to hear Southern Chic because my husband has a dream of owning a business and being rich. I stand behind my husband but I have continiously explained that the business world is different in the US than Nigeria. His family has a very very success family business in Nigeria. I believe he is comparing the USA to Nigeria. In Nigeria, there is no credit and bills. Anyone can start a business on the streets. I explain that you have to buy property, apply for business loans, and etc. I don't think my husband is getting the idea but my job is to stand behind him and to encourage his dream. I believe in God anything is possible. You never know our husbands could be the next business moguls!!!

I highly respect your mindset of standing behind your husband and encouraging his dreams. I've stated before, 'always encourage and support his desires'. But be careful as not to paint for him a 'false' picture; better yet - be sure that HE does not paint a false picture for himself. My husband too desires to start his own business. I'm believing in God that it will happen, and I will be with him every step of the way. Nevertheless, I am always a 'keep it real' type of person. I've shared with him the details of a Business Plan, what the bank considers, and why good credit is so important. In his case, this helps him to understand why he needs to hurry and establish some type of credit (he does not believe in credit cards). In addition, it also helps him to realize that having money to start a business is a real thing, and with all involved (loans, leasing/buying property, etc.) hard work and strong determination is important. Your husband (like mine) may not be getting the idea at the moment, but if he continues to think that dreams will come true over night, I believe it will become a 'set back' rather than encourage him to keep moving forward.

Just my thoughts, but as I mentioned ......... I highly respect your stance on standing by him, that's very important.

Boaz

Boaz,

I am a "keep it real" person too! I have explained the difficulties of starting a business to my husband millions of times. He is so determined on reaching this goal. He is enrolled in school and I always mention, "Why don't you get a degree and find a job with a good company?" He is not satisfied with working for someone else. I feel that my husband will have to learn the difficulties on his own! Just like when we were teens our parents constantly preached to have us avoid things in life. Many of us still went out and made mistakes. Now we have learned our lesson. Our husbands will have to venture out into the business world and learn the hardships for themselves! Our husbands might become successful and we could have stopped their dreams. If he fails at business than he has learned a lesson in life. As I stated before, I support my husband in any decision that he makes. He will have to learn for himself!

Just my two cents again!

I agree! Especially the part regarding the fact that they can be successful, and we could stop their dreams. Or they could fail and learn a lesson in life. In either case, our job is to hope and pray for the best, while still "keeping it real". As the song writer says "stand by your man!"

Boaz

[randolady 1]

I have an unique situation. My husband was born and raised in Nigeria but he lived in Canada for 10 years. Canada is very identical to the US. My husband worked and struggled in Canada. He understands how the system works here.

It is funny to hear Southern Chic because my husband has a dream of owning a business and being rich. I stand behind my husband but I have continiously explained that the business world is different in the US than Nigeria. His family has a very very success family business in Nigeria. I believe he is comparing the USA to Nigeria. In Nigeria, there is no credit and bills. Anyone can start a business on the streets. I explain that you have to buy property, apply for business loans, and etc. I don't think my husband is getting the idea but my job is to stand behind him and to encourage his dream. I believe in God anything is possible. You never know our husbands could be the next business moguls!!!

I highly respect your mindset of standing behind your husband and encouraging his dreams. I've stated before, 'always encourage and support his desires'. But be careful as not to paint for him a 'false' picture; better yet - be sure that HE does not paint a false picture for himself. My husband too desires to start his own business. I'm believing in God that it will happen, and I will be with him every step of the way. Nevertheless, I am always a 'keep it real' type of person. I've shared with him the details of a Business Plan, what the bank considers, and why good credit is so important. In his case, this helps him to understand why he needs to hurry and establish some type of credit (he does not believe in credit cards). In addition, it also helps him to realize that having money to start a business is a real thing, and with all involved (loans, leasing/buying property, etc.) hard work and strong determination is important. Your husband (like mine) may not be getting the idea at the moment, but if he continues to think that dreams will come true over night, I believe it will become a 'set back' rather than encourage him to keep moving forward.

Just my thoughts, but as I mentioned ......... I highly respect your stance on standing by him, that's very important.

Boaz

Boaz,

I am a "keep it real" person too! I have explained the difficulties of starting a business to my husband millions of times. He is so determined on reaching this goal. He is enrolled in school and I always mention, "Why don't you get a degree and find a job with a good company?" He is not satisfied with working for someone else. I feel that my husband will have to learn the difficulties on his own! Just like when we were teens our parents constantly preached to have us avoid things in life. Many of us still went out and made mistakes. Now we have learned our lesson. Our husbands will have to venture out into the business world and learn the hardships for themselves! Our husbands might become successful and we could have stopped their dreams. If he fails at business than he has learned a lesson in life. As I stated before, I support my husband in any decision that he makes. He will have to learn for himself!

Just my two cents again!

Ombeni is the exact same way! He views working for somebody else as a terrible thing.