Love and Happiness

[gen&paul 0]

I know what you mean, when I announced that I was marrying a foreigner, my father had a fit. I mean he went around and told my my family and even told them that I was crazy!!!! I thought to myself, is this not my life and can I not be happy and others be happy for me. What is so funny is that my dad planned an "intervention" so to speak to rescue me from being "stupid and desperate." Okay, so he told my cousins, both of which are very close in age to me and neither married at this time to "talk sense into me. " So they talked and I listened. This is what I have learned from that entire experience, you need to spend your life not trying to please others are seek their acceptance. Just pray and ask God to lead and guide you in your life. It is funny now looking back at it. It seemed that I spent so much time and energy trying to convince others that my intended spouse was and indeed is a good man, I actually was not able to relax and enjoy the fact that God had blessed me with a good God-fearing man. Ironically, the same people who were so against my marrying my fiance` are now singing his praises, to include my father. His words to me just last week, is "you've done good, I want to go and show off my son-in-law." Okay so this coming from the same man who just said weeks prior, before meeting my fiance`, how could a child that I have raised done something so stupid. Girl don't worry about that, allow them to vent and feel the way they want to. Enjoy your time, and keep positve, in the end God will surely show you and your spouse his favor. Remember, most people are really concerned and are only speaking up because they care about you. So know this, you are truly loved!!!

[Karen_L 1]

I am sure that many of you VJer's received mixed reactions upon announcing your engagement or marriage or your foreign spouse or fiancé.

For this reason, I would like to pose a question.

1. Why would one person's happiness make another person so sad?
   
2. How could such a happy time in your life become bitter sweet to so-called friends and family?
   
3. Does misery really need company?
   

I guess it is good to know who your real friends are, but it sucks to find out at such a happy time in your life...

(Sorry....that was actually 3 questions)

Feel free to post or vent your own experiences.

1. Many people are, at heart, very competative -- esp. among friends. If you have this great romance and are getting married, this is somehow threatening to others, esp. if the person is single or in a bad relationship -- they'd rather have you lower so they feel better, but if you're fantastic then it just highlights how miserable they are. They're losing the competition. My family was surprising supportive of my whole engagement, but I had some awful and on-going bad reactions from friends mostly out of this type of jealousy.

2. If they have a bad case of sour grapes, then ripping your relationship apart and judging you for your choice in spouse is an attempt to make themselves feel better. Like "haha -- I dont mind being sinlge. At least Im not making a HUGE mistake and marrying some foreigner and ruining my life..."

I also think people who are close to you and who genuinely love you -- family & friends -- oftentimes assume they know EVERYTHING about you and what's best for you -- better than you know for yourself. If your choice of a spouse was made almost completely without their involvement they assume you don't know yourself well enough to choose someone right for you. Also, everyone knows foreigners are evil.

3. YES! Totally.

Edited July 1, 2007 by Karen_L

[doodlebug 3]

The reactions of my family don't really bother me all too much. On occasion it will but I let it go since in the end, I'm the one living this life, not them.

What does bother me is the reactions of my husband's friends. He is the one making the big sacrafice of coming here and instead of comforting him in this time where he is making such a major leap they have just about all deserted him. His family is very supportive and loving because they have met me and they see how happy he is with me, and that is all they want..his happiness. I think his friends are just jealous somehow and maybe hurt that they are losing someone, but what they don't know is that they don't have to lose him like this, you know? Makes me soooo mad because I see how it's hurting him inside.

[trueimage 0]

I think most people are just not open to new things. In the past, most people who married internationally were military. That makes sense because military people travel and are exposed to many different cultures and peoples. Today, the internet has literally made the world smaller. We have access to almost every country in the world and you can meet someone from a different country right in the comfort of your own home while wearing your pj's. It's just a new concept and eventually people will accept will more. Just like in the past, people weren't open to interracial relationships. Times are still changing and people will grow more comfortable with meeting people from other foreign countries. From observing how big this board is, international marriages are becoming more and more common.

I am lucky to live on the border and my immediate family has met my SO several times and has considered him family even before we made the marriage decision. I know how important it is to have your family's acceptance and approval, but at the end of the day, it's your happiness, or lack thereof, that you must live with. Family tends to want to 'take care of us' and 'know what's good for us' and even to some extent, control us, but in reality, only you can live your life. If they can not accept your spouse, then meeting new friends as a couple would be something to consider and finding things to do together rather than attending functions where you will not be accepted or comfortable. Good luck!

[milwaukeegirl 0]

Hi! I'm American, my husband is British. When he first proposed to me, my Aunt immediately thought he was using me to get a green card! (Apparently, a man can't love me unconditionally!) We realized that it would be much easier and quicker after our marriage (in America) to be together if I got a temporary spouse visa to live in England. It took a couple hours after dropping off my paper work at the British embassy, and I was awarded a two year visa to live and work over here. This made it clear that my husband wasn't using me to live in America. However, my Aunt was then upset because he was taking me away from my family! You just can't make some people happy.

Anyway, a year and a half later, we're working on the I-130 process to get my husband to America. I just miss my family and friends too much, and am having trouble adapting to British culture. Plus, it's just too expensive to live here! I want my own house. I don't want to live in a flat, which is all we could afford here. We would have more support emotionally and financially from my family in the states. So it just makes sense to move there. We'll see what my Aunt has to say when we get there!

We're working on my I-864 right now. Just received my husband's police report in the mail today, so hoping to send off our checklist before the end of July. Hope to be home by Thanksgiving! Good luck to everyone on here. I'm so glad I've found a forum with sympathetic readers!

Natalie

[aya*abouelnasr 0]

I think sometimes it's not that they are so totally againsty your relationship, it's just that they are losing accesability to you in the way they are used to. We all know that everything changes when you are in a relationship, you don't hang out with friends nearly as often, and if you do, your SO is usually along. Your relationship with your SO changes your relationship with your friends. Not that you care any less for them, you just are not able to drop everything to go hang out with them as you could before.

[Akoto 0]

I am sure that many of you VJer's received mixed reactions upon announcing your engagement or marriage or your foreign spouse or fiancé.

For this reason, I would like to pose a question.

1. Why would one person's happiness make another person so sad?
   
2. How could such a happy time in your life become bitter sweet to so-called friends and family?
   
3. Does misery really need company?
   

I guess it is good to know who your real friends are, but it sucks to find out at such a happy time in your life...

(Sorry....that was actually 3 questions)

Feel free to post or vent your own experiences.

Girl don't worry about "those so-called friends/family" Be happy with your decision. Bump what ya friends say!!!!!!! Congratulations!!!! I am patiently waiting. And YES misery love company. I am happy with my decision and I will wait patiently for my fiance to arrive here so that WE can start OUR lives together. Go on girl.

[nane1104 146]

the only "negative" reactions I got from family/friends was that they expressed how sad they were that I'd leave Germany and that we would not see each other a lot anymore.

As a matter of fact, I live with the fact that some of the people that are very close to me and that expressed this "misery", I will probably not see anymore. Both my grandmothers are not doing well and I am not sure if I will make it back to Germany in time to see them again.

So, I can't really look at this like some people were just not happy for me.

[Suitelady79 0]

I'm really surprised that people with fiance(e)s from first world countries are hearing this. I expect to get this from people because my husband is from a third world country that is very poor. So I've heard all the warnings, etc. I got so tired of hearing it that I have just cut those people off for the most part until he gets here. The best way that I can prove to people that he's a good man is to just wait till he gets here and let him show them himself. My family however has been very supportive of my decision (the ones I have told, at least). There are only a few people who know everything. I have decided that I am going to keep my business to myself because the only people whose opinions matter in this situation are mine and the one that I love.

[Jaseball 0]

It depends on how people phrase things and how they approach you. I'm the US citizen and was warned many times about people from China wanting to come here and all the reasons I should be careful, go slowly, make sure the intentions are as pure as possible, our feelings were mutual, etc.

I took the advice for the most part. I'm also the type to think about multiple sides, so when we decided to get engaged and go through this K1 process I even started to tell her about how it is really like in the US and how there are plenty of difficulties, especially for a first generation immigrant. She would have me to help her adjust, learn, and have my support, but at the same time she is giving up parts of her culture, family, profession, known life, and I wanted her to truly understand what it meant for her to leave and come here.

Also long distance relationships are hard. I think it helps that I have had both long distance relationships as well as been in love and been on both the getting dumped side as well as being the heart breaker, so I was able to let her know how difficult it is to maintain a relationship like this and how this process can take quite a long time.

It doesn't seem like her relatives, co-workers, or friends are giving her grief over wanting to marry an American and they seem supportive of her decision.

I also believe being in love has this hormonal aspect too. The intense feelings, the need for constant contact, getting excited and flustered when interacting with your partner. However, a relationship needs far more than those hormone driven crazy love feelings. It has to have a solid basis, honesty, mystery, maintenance, respect, caring, mutual goals and wishes and so many other factors for it to work and remain positive long term.