Sending money to family

[Umka36 781]

1 hour ago, Redheadguy03 said:

Thanks everyone for the help again. Her family is all in the Philippines. The problem is the person who wants the money bought a house and basically overextended what she could afford. So, if any emergency comes up she won't have any money. My wife sent money once before for a supposed refrigerator that was broken. I believe my wife thinks she broke it, but I think the sibling exaggerated it. They never even replaced it after getting the money they used it for tuition. So, to me it was just a ploy to get money. 

 

This same sibling when I was in the Philippines said we'd split some bills because I was staying in one of the houses. Ok fine, but after I paid everything she changed it and said well it's my house so you're paying everything. (it's not her house it belongs to all the children including my wife and they were all eating my food and staying there too). So I'm not exactly trusting of this sibling. 

During a past trip oversea, I had a cousin (different Asian country) who lied to my face saying she needed money to buy a sewing machine as part of her clothing business. She probably did need the money for a new machine, so I gave it to her. The only problem was my mom had given her the money earlier. I felt hurt , so to this day I no longer trust that cousin. Being used by family is the worst.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

1 hour ago, Umka36 said:

During a past trip oversea, I had a cousin (different Asian country) who lied to my face saying she needed money to buy a sewing machine as part of her clothing business. She probably did need the money for a new machine, so I gave it to her. The only problem was my mom had given her the money earlier. I felt hurt , so to this day I no longer trust that cousin. Being used by family is the worst.

My wife has a cousin like that as well. She was trying to message my wife asking for money for something and my wife said no. So she then moved to me asking me for money because typhoons yolanda destroyed her roof. The thing about that is her cousin lives in Metro Manila. 

 

Once my wife heard that this cousin actually went to me for money she got livid and basically cussed her out.

[Redheadguy03 505]

1 hour ago, Cyberfx1024 said:

My wife has a cousin like that as well. She was trying to message my wife asking for money for something and my wife said no. So she then moved to me asking me for money because typhoons yolanda destroyed her roof. The thing about that is her cousin lives in Metro Manila. 

 

Once my wife heard that this cousin actually went to me for money she got livid and basically cussed her out.

I wish my wife would yell at her sister. Instead she acts like I'm being mean and since we have savings we should give. Savings is in case something happens. I've explained this to her a million times and she either doesn't get it or doesn't agree with it. I don't know. 

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

Here is my basic rule:

 

If the girl comes from a poor family, just date her

 

If you are going for marriage look at it like a business deal, why would one business agree to support another company that is bankrupt?

[Going through 5,669]

7 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

I wish my wife would yell at her sister. Instead she acts like I'm being mean and since we have savings we should give. Savings is in case something happens. I've explained this to her a million times and she either doesn't get it or doesn't agree with it. I don't know. 

Maybe tell her that if you continue to give larger amounts of money that the two of you will have to hold off on starting a family until savings build up again?  That may sway her in some way.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

8 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

I wish my wife would yell at her sister. Instead she acts like I'm being mean and since we have savings we should give. Savings is in case something happens. I've explained this to her a million times and she either doesn't get it or doesn't agree with it. I don't know. 

Honestly at first my wife did to and went Tampo on me at first. Because I told her we need to do a budget when we got a new(to us) car for her drive. So she basically assumed that when I said a budget I meant that we were going to stop sending money to her family.

 

What does your wife do for her job if you don't mind me asking? I know when my wife actually starts working she will send more to her family and I am ok with that because that is her paycheck, but I will not send any money anymore to them at all after that. You need to have a heart to heart with her and just lay it out for her saying "If you want to send more money then you need to make more money" or something to that effect.

[debbiedoo 2,339]

I think these situations are where cultural differences and language barriers and even expectations come into play.  While certainly, you have no control if they agree to everything before the move (and you are trusting their words without seeing actions to back it up), its definitely something that has to be considered, because the REALITY of living together is different than the fantasy of living together and essentially spending a couple of (what boils down to) vacations together. 

 

We dont have 'his money' and 'my money'. It is all OURS, regardless of who makes it. It is for our home, our life, and our future and ultimately retirement. But, we also discuss and agree on how to spend it. There are none of those barriers (culture, language), which probably makes things easier. We also will have 3 years almost, by the time he MOVES here, of living life together every other weekend or so, of 'normal' life. its not a vacation fantasy. We have bills, and problems and a house renovation thats ongoing and all these other factors that many couples dont face until they are, essentially, in too deep.  We take trips and do fun things, but the majority of the time is regular, boring, every day life. Neither one of us is looking for 'a better life', because we both come from higher advantaged Countries. We both have careers and education and similar ideologies on... pretty much everything. We also have the advantage of age (hes 47 and im 40) and the experience of long marriages behind us. We're not kids, and this isn't our first rodeo. Yes, we understand we are lucky and are probably not the norm. On the flip side, though, neither one of us would have gotten involved with someone significantly different from the other. Again, that is simply us, and our perspective. Others are different.

 

I don't know what the answer is, or even IF there is an answer, but any relationship is hard. Factor in significant differences, especially possible communication differences, makes it even harder. And money problems/stress never help a relationship and if the relationship isn't STRONG can break it. And, I think that in some cases, the head of the household needs to put their foot down and say 'no more', and let the cards fall where they will. If she wants to have a temper tantrum and act like a child... well, thats who you married. She (or he, to be fair) will either grow up or not, and if not, well, then you probably have a major decision to make about whether or not that is the kind of person you really want to be with.

 

 

[doggieandsam 765]

13 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

Instead she acts like I'm being mean and since we have savings we should give. Savings is in case something happens. I've explained this to her a million times and she either doesn't get it or doesn't agree with it. I don't know. 

familiar with the term "survivor's guilt"? this applies to this situation. the feeling that you have more than enough to cover the basic necessities in life (read does not include your own emergencies) so you have some to spare. i feel it all the time. i bet your wife does, too. 

 

6 hours ago, Going through said:

Maybe tell her that if you continue to give larger amounts of money that the two of you will have to hold off on starting a family until savings build up again?  That may sway her in some way.

uhhhmmm no. filipinos in this situation are used to struggling and sacrificing to makes ends meet. so if push comes to shove, what's delaying starting a family for a little bit right? it's not like the delay will be forever and she knows you will recover sooner rather than later since you have a stable job with a stable income etc.

[Redheadguy03 505]

9 hours ago, Cyberfx1024 said:

Honestly at first my wife did to and went Tampo on me at first. Because I told her we need to do a budget when we got a new(to us) car for her drive. So she basically assumed that when I said a budget I meant that we were going to stop sending money to her family.

 

What does your wife do for her job if you don't mind me asking? I know when my wife actually starts working she will send more to her family and I am ok with that because that is her paycheck, but I will not send any money anymore to them at all after that. You need to have a heart to heart with her and just lay it out for her saying "If you want to send more money then you need to make more money" or something to that effect.

My wife is a housekeeper so she isn't making a ton of money. She has a college degree so I told her to pursue that but she hasn't. I work in law enforcement, so I do ok, but I'm not making a ton of money. 

 

 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

2 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

My wife is a housekeeper so she isn't making a ton of money. She has a college degree so I told her to pursue that but she hasn't. I work in law enforcement, so I do ok, but I'm not making a ton of money. 

What is her degree in if you don't mind me asking? My wife got her degree in teaching in the Philippines and will NEVER teach here in the USA. So now we have to wait until our 1 year old gets older so that she can go to school to be a nurse. 

 

I am flat out lucky I get money from the VA due to injuries from the Marines or else it would be really hard for us because we have 4 kids in the house. 

[Redheadguy03 505]

6 hours ago, Cyberfx1024 said:

What is her degree in if you don't mind me asking? My wife got her degree in teaching in the Philippines and will NEVER teach here in the USA. So now we have to wait until our 1 year old gets older so that she can go to school to be a nurse. 

 

I am flat out lucky I get money from the VA due to injuries from the Marines or else it would be really hard for us because we have 4 kids in the house. 

It's in education too. Was it just hard for your wife to become a teacher here or did she just not want to? I know we have different laws for teachers and she'd have to take more classes at the very least. 

[Kevo 69]

19 hours ago, Chris Duffy said:

Here is my basic rule:

 

If the girl comes from a poor family, just date her

 

If you are going for marriage look at it like a business deal, why would one business agree to support another company that is bankrupt?

A poor girl wants to marry, a rich girl wants to flirt.

A rich man goes to college, a poor man goes to work. 

 

Most of my wife's family is poor financially.  They very rarely ask for anything, it's been a few years since we've sent anything.  I don't mind to help them if it's needed.   

 

 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

8 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

It's in education too. Was it just hard for your wife to become a teacher here or did she just not want to? I know we have different laws for teachers and she'd have to take more classes at the very least. 

She is just didn't want to because her way of thinking was that "I have to take care of 4 kids at home, so why would take care of someone else's kids at work?". Also another big thing is that you know teachers here don't get hardly any respect at all and she doesn't like that. 

 

So that is why she wants to go into nursing. At first she wanted to be a CNA because her friend was one and "she made alot of money", that was until she found out how many hours she worked. So I said just go be a RN because they start at like $55k here.