Sending money to family

[Umka36 781]

2 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

Thanks everyone for the help. I have talked to her and tried explaining savings. It should be pointed out that she's traveling to the Philippines next month so that's obviously a huge expense and she has 8 siblings,so why is it us being asked? 

Are the siblings in the US or working oversea?

 

I had an Indian colleague from a previous job tell me how some have large families so that the kids would provide their retirement fund. The example he told me was 6 kids sending $500/month. That's pretty good retirement money.

 

Marriage is about compromise, so I wouldn't allow one culture to override the other. I couldn't do the regular remittance, but emergencies/holidays/birthdays I can understand.  

 

I have a question of those that do send regularly, do you expect the same from your children in the US?

[javadown2 308]

4 hours ago, Redheadguy03 said:

So, recently my wife's family has asked for money for a medical emergency. 20,000 pesos. (it's for a CT scan) We send her mother 100 dollars every month. My wife works as do I, but we definitely aren't rich, just savings for a rainy day. We are also planning on having a kid soon, so obviously that'll be an expense. 

 

Do you guy's send money or no? I don't get why they think they can come to the "rich Americans" and ask. Then my wife makes me feel bad for not wanting to send it. Like I'm mean and only care about money. They aren't entitled to the money we work for. Any tips advice? 

The biggest thing I gathered from your comment was that you need to communicate with your wife and your in-laws on what you can and cannot do to help with finances. True emergencies are different then sending money monthly for expenses. And yes you are right having another mouth to feed and care for does add to the expenses (and probable biggest is your time and sleep!). We have a 7 month old and had to limit our money being sent back to her family since my wife doesn't need to work (being a mom is really a full time job, would never want to send my child to daycare). 

 

Anyways, just communicate with your wife, she should have somewhat of a handle on your expenses and it's not to hard to figure out what you can and can't send. Then once you establish the good communication make sure you keep to your side of the bargain and she her's. 

 

 

[javadown2 308]

5 minutes ago, Umka36 said:

Are the siblings in the US or working oversea?

 

I had an Indian colleague from a previous job tell me how some have large families so that the kids would provide their retirement fund. The example he told me was 6 kids sending $500/month. That's pretty good retirement money.

 

Marriage is about compromise, so I wouldn't allow one culture to override the other. I couldn't do the regular remittance, but emergencies/holidays/birthdays I can understand.  

 

I have a question of those that do send regularly, do you expect the same from your children in the US?

It's really a give or take, you have to realize the culture your wife/significant other is from and try to understand the culture. I would never expect my daughter (well she is really a baby now, but later in life) to help me out...but it's funny you ask this because my wife says she still wants our daughter to help us in some way because it is a culture norm that they do. She said even in a simple way as long as she understands the reason why. I have no problems helping my family in the Philippines, and will continue to do so. 

 

My wife is also horrified that in the US culture most children move out once they are an adult (well it used to be that way, not sure about the melinials nowadays!). She says our daughter can live with us as long as she wants to, lol. You know what, I'm ok with that also. Everyone one is different so you just need to decide on your own. 

[debbiedoo 2,339]

24 minutes ago, javadown2 said:

It's really a give or take, you have to realize the culture your wife/significant other is from and try to understand the culture. I would never expect my daughter (well she is really a baby now, but later in life) to help me out...but it's funny you ask this because my wife says she still wants our daughter to help us in some way because it is a culture norm that they do. She said even in a simple way as long as she understands the reason why. I have no problems helping my family in the Philippines, and will continue to do so. 

 

My wife is also horrified that in the US culture most children move out once they are an adult (well it used to be that way, not sure about the melinials nowadays!). She says our daughter can live with us as long as she wants to, lol. You know what, I'm ok with that also. Everyone one is different so you just need to decide on your own. 

moving *slightly away* from the topic but based off your comment, there ... yeah no. once youre 18 you are either in school or working - and if you want to be living at home, youre contributing unless in school full time.

 

my (almost 20 year old) has lived on her own for the past year. Still in the home I own, but certainly not with us, and she pays all the bills there. Do i help her with gas money on occasion, sure. but thats a far cry from SUPPORTING her. just as paul helps his son. at least that one is in college lolololol

 

the 12 year old gets a free ride for a few more years lol but yeah, once you hit college age, you better have a plan cause mum and step dad arent giving you a free ride lolololol

[Umka36 781]

22 minutes ago, javadown2 said:

It's really a give or take, you have to realize the culture your wife/significant other is from and try to understand the culture. I would never expect my daughter (well she is really a baby now, but later in life) to help me out...but it's funny you ask this because my wife says she still wants our daughter to help us in some way because it is a culture norm that they do. She said even in a simple way as long as she understands the reason why. I have no problems helping my family in the Philippines, and will continue to do so. 

 

My wife is also horrified that in the US culture most children move out once they are an adult (well it used to be that way, not sure about the melinials nowadays!). She says our daughter can live with us as long as she wants to, lol. You know what, I'm ok with that also. Everyone one is different so you just need to decide on your own. 

It works both ways in regards to understanding culture. I often hear the "American" cave into just their spouse, and in return it creates resentment.

 

Helping out doesn't always have to be monetary.

 

 

[javadown2 308]

Just now, Umka36 said:

It works both ways in regards to understanding culture. I often hear the "American" cave into just their spouse, and in return it creates resentment.

 

Helping out doesn't always have to be monetary. 

 

 

Ok, so I agree it doesn't always have to be monetary....like I said it's a give or take. You can't just ignore the cultural issue and it boils down to communication and hopefully coming up with compromise or what ever works for both people. The majority of the time it's money since we live so far away, staying in touch with Skype, sending care packages and visiting when we can. Those are really just normal things even in the American culture, it's just that we don't live half way across the world from each other. The OP's wife is from the Philippines and they have their own cultural norms, so I'm mainly commenting on what he was asking. 

[Redheadguy03 505]

Thanks everyone for the help again. Her family is all in the Philippines. The problem is the person who wants the money bought a house and basically overextended what she could afford. So, if any emergency comes up she won't have any money. My wife sent money once before for a supposed refrigerator that was broken. I believe my wife thinks she broke it, but I think the sibling exaggerated it. They never even replaced it after getting the money they used it for tuition. So, to me it was just a ploy to get money. 

 

This same sibling when I was in the Philippines said we'd split some bills because I was staying in one of the houses. Ok fine, but after I paid everything she changed it and said well it's my house so you're paying everything. (it's not her house it belongs to all the children including my wife and they were all eating my food and staying there too). So I'm not exactly trusting of this sibling. 

Edited July 12, 2018 by Redheadguy03

[Hank_ 9,174]

I know those type ....   clock-wise closes the spigot 

Edited July 12, 2018 by Hank_

[doggieandsam 765]

oh boy! i am from the philippines and this is one of my all time pet peeves, helping out the family back home in the islands with money. 

 

this is a cultural norm, as you may be aware. but right off the bat, scratch the thought that this happens to you because you are a "rich American". this happens to any child who has a decent job / is an OFW / or has a foreign spouse from any other more "well-off" culture. obviously the definition of "well-off" is way off, at least from the perspective of a country whose poor survives on barely $5 a day. thing is, the parents that need help now were once the children who had to forego their own financial stability in order to help out their own parents. and those parents, had to do the same thing for their own parents...and so on and so forth. its a cycle of sick dependency that if i have a super power i would gladly go back in time and hammer it into people's head that you have children because you want to have a family, and not because the children will one day become your retirement fund or the magic ticket to "take the family out of poverty".  however, somebody mentioned above that no decent child would just turn their back away from family members who need help, especially when its about actually putting food on the table or a medical emergency. this is especially true for filipinos. add to the fact the philippines does not have a social support system, high unemployment rate etc which means that people always have to rely on their more financially well-off family member to survive.

 

it's also very common for a lot of foreign spouses to not have the in depth knowledge of this cultural norm until it's already too late. the moment this issue comes up and the foreign spouse acts as if they are not willing to shell out the cash to help out, expect the filipino spouse to be upset or have "tampo". the moment the family back home learns that the foreign spouse refuses to help, they too will feel affronted and the filipino will be shamed in the eyes of the family and will then feel more upset. 

 

OP - no offense but i suspect that this has now become an issue because there was no conversation between you and your filipino spouse about expectations etc prior to getting married. talk to your spouse about what you are both comfortable sending to her family, set a limit. do not try to save everybody nor cover all expenses. maybe agree to only step in if its an emergency (but specify what are considered emergencies - otherwise everything there is an emergency!!!). if your wife is working, let her decide what she can afford to send, AFTER she has contributed her share to your own expenses and savings goals.

 

sorry this became too long. but as you can see i feel strongly and have a lot to say about the topic!

Edited July 12, 2018 by doggieandsam

[doggieandsam 765]

17 minutes ago, Redheadguy03 said:

Thanks everyone for the help again. Her family is all in the Philippines. The problem is the person who wants the money bought a house and basically overextended what she could afford. So, if any emergency comes up she won't have any money. My wife sent money once before for a supposed refrigerator that was broken. I believe my wife thinks she broke it, but I think the sibling exaggerated it. They never even replaced it after getting the money they used it for tuition. So, to me it was just a ploy to get money. 

 

This same sibling when I was in the Philippines said we'd split some bills because I was staying in one of the houses. Ok fine, but after I paid everything she changed it and said well it's my house so you're paying everything. (it's not her house it belongs to all the children including my wife and they were all eating my food and staying there too). So I'm not exactly trusting of this sibling. 

Uh oh, nip this in the bud. for me personally, my responsibility to help is to my parents and them alone. it doesn't extend to sibling, nieces, nephew, or any other relative. your wife needs to set boundaries with her family. and see my comment above about specifying what constitutes an emergency!

 

wish you luck. i know it's not gonna be pleasant nor easy.

[Redheadguy03 505]

6 minutes ago, doggieandsam said:

Uh oh, nip this in the bud. for me personally, my responsibility to help is to my parents and them alone. it doesn't extend to sibling, nieces, nephew, or any other relative. your wife needs to set boundaries with her family. and see my comment above about specifying what constitutes an emergency!

 

wish you luck. i know it's not gonna be pleasant nor easy.

Thanks. Actually we discussed it before we got married. It's just things change after marriage I guess. Plus this sibling is the oldest sister and kind of raised my wife and paid for her college. So, my wife basically feels indebted to her. 

[doggieandsam 765]

1 minute ago, Redheadguy03 said:

Thanks. Actually we discussed it before we got married. It's just things change after marriage I guess. Plus this sibling is the oldest sister and kind of raised my wife and paid for her college. So, my wife basically feels indebted to her. 

ok, that's good you discussed it already. at least you started off on the right path. now you need to help your wife set boundaries. to help your wife save face, and if you don't mind being the "evil person" (LOL), you can have her use you as an excuse (ie tell the family back home you were the one who said no).

 

ahhh the debt of gratitude!!! that is another nasty one. i always say, it is better to be indebted to strangers because once you pay that off, you are done. debts of gratitude to family - that one you will be paying for life.

[Redheadguy03 505]

2 minutes ago, doggieandsam said:

ok, that's good you discussed it already. at least you started off on the right path. now you need to help your wife set boundaries. to help your wife save face, and if you don't mind being the "evil person" (LOL), you can have her use you as an excuse (ie tell the family back home you were the one who said no).

 

ahhh the debt of gratitude!!! that is another nasty one. i always say, it is better to be indebted to strangers because once you pay that off, you are done. debts of gratitude to family - that one you will be paying for life.

Ya there's a term for it in the Philippines. I just can't remember what it is. But it's some old school thing where you are basically indebted forever. Which is the craziest thing I've ever heard. 

[doggieandsam 765]

Just now, Redheadguy03 said:

Ya there's a term for it in the Philippines. I just can't remember what it is. But it's some old school thing where you are basically indebted forever. Which is the craziest thing I've ever heard. 

"Utang na loob" is the term.

[Redheadguy03 505]

Just now, doggieandsam said:

"Utang na loob" is the term.

I'll take your word for it haha thanks!