Sending money to family

[Redheadguy03 505]

So, recently my wife's family has asked for money for a medical emergency. 20,000 pesos. (it's for a CT scan) We send her mother 100 dollars every month. My wife works as do I, but we definitely aren't rich, just savings for a rainy day. We are also planning on having a kid soon, so obviously that'll be an expense. 

 

Do you guy's send money or no? I don't get why they think they can come to the "rich Americans" and ask. Then my wife makes me feel bad for not wanting to send it. Like I'm mean and only care about money. They aren't entitled to the money we work for. Any tips advice? 

[Roel 7,192]

Well. It's between you and your wife what you do with your money. If you don't want to send anything just be clear with your wife and set some boundries. Talk to her family also and make it clear that you can't afford to help. 

 

Don't let your wife make you feel bad for not sending more money. That's obviously unfair and nasty move. 

[Hank_ 9,174]

20 minutes ago, Redheadguy03 said:

So, recently my wife's family has asked for money for a medical emergency. 20,000 pesos. (it's for a CT scan) We send her mother 100 dollars every month. My wife works as do I, but we definitely aren't rich, just savings for a rainy day. We are also planning on having a kid soon, so obviously that'll be an expense. 

 

Do you guy's send money or no? I don't get why they think they can come to the "rich Americans" and ask. Then my wife makes me feel bad for not wanting to send it. Like I'm mean and only care about money. They aren't entitled to the money we work for. Any tips advice? 

 

Ya .. the rich Americans ..   !!     I always want to ask - who did they lean on before the rich American showed up?

 

We do help out at times, but my wife is very careful with sending money,  she knows we don't have a pipeline to Fort Knox.  I trust her judgement.

 

 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

18 minutes ago, Redheadguy03 said:

So, recently my wife's family has asked for money for a medical emergency. 20,000 pesos. (it's for a CT scan) We send her mother 100 dollars every month. My wife works as do I, but we definitely aren't rich, just savings for a rainy day. We are also planning on having a kid soon, so obviously that'll be an expense. 

 

Do you guy's send money or no? I don't get why they think they can come to the "rich Americans" and ask. Then my wife makes me feel bad for not wanting to send it. Like I'm mean and only care about money. They aren't entitled to the money we work for. Any tips advice? 

@Roel this is a very common issue in the Philippines so let me help me try to sort it out.

 

First off yes this is a very common in the Philippines that once the son or daughter goes abroad that they send money home to the Philippines to help out. We send about $250 a month back to the Philippines every month, and what sucks is I am the only one working right now. Luckily I make a good amount of money to where it's only a inconvenience. How many brothers and sisters does she have and do they help out as well?

This type of thing was a big a issue our first year of being married because my wife wanted to send more money and they were always asking for more and more. Finally I put my foot down and said this is how much we are sending and that's it, which was higher than it was now. But we went back to Philippines and was appalled at what we saw because it was like they didn't spend any money on actually keeping up the house at all and my asawa was too. So we cut it back to $250 a month and it has been that way ever since. Oh course we send extra back there for celebrations or emergencies but it has to be verifiable you know.

 

Also what is the medical emergency because 20,000php is $500 almost. Which is a lot of money in the Philippines.

4 minutes ago, Hank_ said:

Ya .. the rich Americans ..   !!     I always want to ask - who did they lean on before the rich American showed up?

We do help out at times, but my wife is very careful with sending money,  she knows we don't have a pipeline to Fort Knox.  I trust her judgement.

As do I and the only thing that I ask is if it is any extra then please tell me so that we can budget for it.

[VisaCode 72]

Only $100/mo? My coworker spends more than that just for his wife's parents cell phones in Pennsylvania. There is a very strong cultural norm in the Philippines that children should contribute back to their parents when they leave the house. It really has nothing to do with the fact that you're American so take that chip off your shoulder. Nothing good is going to come of it. 

If the amount she wants to send is straining the budget (even if it just means you can't save for vacations like you want, etc...) then explain that to your wife and workout an amount that works for you both. But it's unrealistic if you think she's going to agree to not help support her parents at all.

[Going through 5,669]

Quick answer would be this:  Tell your wife that shes welcome to send money to her family out of her own pay cheque/personal bank account after she's contributed a set amount to the joint account every pay cycle.  You're not responsible for financially supporting her own family.

 

More thought-out answer would be this:   Tell your wife that your parents/relative recently asked you to give them a few hundred dollars (for whatever reason) and see how she reacts to that.  If she reacts negatively, then bring up the "quick answer" as a way to make it "fair" to both of you ongoing.

 

 

 

 

Edited July 12, 2018 by Going through

[Major 24]

I think people can easily misunderstand each other when there's a gap in their communication or when the other person makes unguided assumptions. Talk to your wife how you feel about shouldering extraneous expenses, why you guys need to save for raining days and all that. Mind you women always feel it's the responsibility of the man to help out when it comes to assisting her family. I don't know if it's lie that in your country nut in Nigeria, that's their mentality, so we men have come to accept it

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

35 minutes ago, Redheadguy03 said:

So, recently my wife's family has asked for money for a medical emergency. 20,000 pesos. (it's for a CT scan) We send her mother 100 dollars every month. My wife works as do I, but we definitely aren't rich, just savings for a rainy day. We are also planning on having a kid soon, so obviously that'll be an expense. 

 

Do you guy's send money or no? I don't get why they think they can come to the "rich Americans" and ask. Then my wife makes me feel bad for not wanting to send it. Like I'm mean and only care about money. They aren't entitled to the money we work for. Any tips advice? 

One time Medical Emergency I wouldn't have an issue. Every month or few months with some type of Emergency then yes It would be an issue.

 

Be careful because you can create a parasite. 

 

Me personally I send nothing to my wife family in terms of money. I believe my wife sends $100 per month, but she works and it's her money.

[Amadia 711]

First, it's your money and you are using it to support your family....not her relatives (there IS a difference). She should not make you feel guilty about it. If she works, she can contribute in her own way.

 

My mom comes for vacation to help me look after my 5mth old while I'm away at work. I opened an account for her and transfer money to it monthly so that she can have money to use/spend when she is here. My husband had NO part in that and I really did not expect him to be....I did not even consider asking him because I am gainfully employed and have been since 2 months after my POE in Oct 2016.

[Greenbaum 12,259]

We send money when we can. I have come to trust my wife with what she deems will meet the concern. She has never broken that trust and I never question the amount because it has always been reasonable. 

[Redheadguy03 505]

Thanks everyone for the help. I have talked to her and tried explaining savings. It should be pointed out that she's traveling to the Philippines next month so that's obviously a huge expense and she has 8 siblings,so why is it us being asked? 

[Ben&Zian 4,397]

12 minutes ago, Redheadguy03 said:

Thanks everyone for the help. I have talked to her and tried explaining savings. It should be pointed out that she's traveling to the Philippines next month so that's obviously a huge expense and she has 8 siblings,so why is it us being asked? 

 

Again as some stated this is just normal. While the "rich Americans" seem to be and appear rich, most don't understand how the living costs and expenses (food, rent/mortgage, ect) also is higher so, in some ways not near as 'rich' as it may appear.

I know my husband get's asked by his family once and awhile, and we discussed it before and it's fine with me as long as he doesn't cause himself harm financially doing so. Even just two days ago, one of his aunts flew to Grand Rapids, ND for some business conference or something and she was like "There's no Filipino food stores there" (apparently.. never been to Grand Rapids, only Minot, ND for work myself)... so he went to the store, bought a list of things and shipped it to her.. Again if he can manage it then fine by me but he also has another aunt who lives in Ohio and has for years but he get's asked for some reason. It's just part of the culture and all. 

We are planning his first trip back home next year, and like you said, airfare is main killer so we are looking far in advance to cut the costs.

 

As long as you both can mutually agree on either a monthly amount suitable to your finances, or cut it to "as needed" or "only for emergencies" then go with that.

Edited July 12, 2018 by Ben&Zian

[debbiedoo 2,339]

i will say that i know in some countries it is the norm and expected.

 

i will also say ... i would NOT be okay with it or marry anyone who thought it was okay.

 

helping out family in an emergency ... i get. thats fine. happens. my dad has helped me in the past. but if its constantly sending money or paying for bills? and not even being repaid for it? no. I work hard for my money. Paul works even harder for HIS money. our money is just that - OURS. we are not bank of mom and dad or bank of family or bank of anyone other than US. helping our kids is different because 3 of the 4 are college age and kids need help sometimes.

 

We are not supporting anyone other than US.

[Ben&Zian 4,397]

14 minutes ago, debbiedoo said:

i will say that i know in some countries it is the norm and expected.

 

i will also say ... i would NOT be okay with it or marry anyone who thought it was okay.

 

helping out family in an emergency ... i get. thats fine. happens. my dad has helped me in the past. but if its constantly sending money or paying for bills? and not even being repaid for it? no. I work hard for my money. Paul works even harder for HIS money. our money is just that - OURS. we are not bank of mom and dad or bank of family or bank of anyone other than US. helping our kids is different because 3 of the 4 are college age and kids need help sometimes.

 

We are not supporting anyone other than US.

 

Generally agree with you on this. I look at it the same in a way but the cultural thing of the Philippines is main area where this comes into play. It's just the way it is. To an average Filipino back home, a $100 can go a long way; but they don't realize here in the US, that $100 might just cover dinner and a movie for 2 for an evening if even that because I know we have gone and sent well over $100 just for dinner but it's something they tend not to understand I don't think.

Even my husband who has worked on two J-1 internships in the US before, when he started working, we bought him a car(he pays the monthly payments and insurance), he saw the taxes being taken out of his paycheck (we both pay single rate to boost our tax return at the end of the year), but until all that he didn't realize how much it all cost and how quickly that paycheck disappears. So on his end he did lower the amount he sends back home I believe. Like a lot of people, it's up to the other one how much or how often they send money as long as it doesn't hurt them financially to do so.

[Unlockable 7,314]

Just wanted to comment about the "culture" thing. Yes it is a cultural thing, but EVERY culture in the world helps family when they are in need. It just happens that some need a lot more than others. 

 

When I read comments like, "it's my culture" or when I used to watch 90 Day Fiance and hear the immigrant say that phrase, I would cringe. Because it implies that theirs is the only or one of a few that actually do it. There isn't one country, culture, or village of people in this world where it is socially customary to leave family suffering or struggling. But just because Western or other develop nations have social structures where our elders can have retirement funds, social security, pensions, and medical benefits doesn't mean we don't care  for them. If family are in no need of money and is doing well on their own then there is no need to send money. 

 

The problem is that many countries have poor, or even, no social support system which leaves many to have to rely on family to survive. And because it has been that way for generations and they see that elders in develop countries don't often need to rely on family for support, they perceive it as it being a practice for only select cultures.