Regret

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

10 hours ago, BlessedAssurance said:

Growing up dirt poor, one of 12 siblings in a small village in south eastern Kenya, I saw my mom sacrifice so much, deny herself, so that we kids could eat. Today, all of us grown and with successful careers, we are virtually engaged in well-meaning wars among ourselves about who will have mom this year, that year, in our homes.

 

Me being the one that moved away so far, I get to have her just a month or two every other year! And now, in her late 80s, she doesn't want to travel 28 hours to the US, I have to go with the kids!

 

How I wish she would want to live with me, so my kids could grow with a grandmother's influence around them!

 

I can't imagine someone wanting to kick out their mother from their home. How much can she eat, especially in a family with already 5 mouths? A sixth wouldn't make so much difference.

 

But then, people and cultures, and personalities, are so different!

 

I don't know how people get your perspective with their parents.  My mother is retiring and there was not an icicle's chance in hell she'd be living with us or staying for extended visits.  Thankfully, she has purchased her own house nearby.  I hoping that such close proximity won't be too much of a strain.

 

1 hour ago, janet3 said:

I wish whole heartedly I was in your shoes. I would love to have my mother here telling me I was doing everything wrong and she wasn’t going home. I would love for her to give me advice and her opinion (even if she complained incessantly to my sister about how I did everything wrong).

But I do not have that option. My mother died when I was 37 (she was 58). She died of heart failure (a complication from a medicine she was taking for her multiple sclerosis...,which she was diagnosed with when I was 13 years old). 

So yes, having lived without a mother (a sick one to boot) I can safely say...., I truly wish I was in your shoes.....

Just try to find some peace...rant when she drives you crazy....but be thankful that you have the opportunity to spend some time with her....

 

I disagree with this completely and I have a parent who died when I was in my mid 20s.  From my own perspective, toxic people get cut out and then who cares what happens to them?  It isn't the right of a parent to act like a child or a jerk.  If my mother criticized me all the time, she'd no longer be my mother.  

 

OP, you have to do what is best for your mental health here.  You have children who are relying on you to be your mental best and if your mother is putting too much pressure on you and your family, then it is her who has to go.  Your children and you come first.

[little immigrant 801]

How was your relationship with her before you all moved? In a previous thread you mentioned you're letting her go home already and that was in October 2017. What has she said about that? 

 

Well I had to live with my mother in law and I had to evict her in the end because we didn't get along. I haven't lived with my parents or parents in law since. Bitter lesson learned. 

 

Whatever you decide I wish you good luck. 

[amaloveskofi 7]

8 hours ago, CEE53147 said:

Unless the worker has a very well paying job, a family of 5 - now 6 - will be struggling financially. 

 

Does your mother attend a place of worship and have a spiritual counselor she trusts?  That would be the ideal person to explain the situation to her.

 

They need t explain to her that since she is only in her 50s, she needs to get a job so she will not be destitute in her old age.  She needs to work at least 10 years for her social security.  Americans do not want or need to support an able bodied immigrant for the rest of her life.  She is a problem not only to her daughter but to you and me.

I totally agree. Thanks. She just wont listen to anybody but yes i will try telling my pastor .

 

[amaloveskofi 7]

7 hours ago, little immigrant said:

How was your relationship with her before you all moved? In a previous thread you mentioned you're letting her go home already and that was in October 2017. What has she said about that? 

 

Well I had to live with my mother in law and I had to evict her in the end because we didn't get along. I haven't lived with my parents or parents in law since. Bitter lesson learned. 

 

Whatever you decide I wish you good luck. 

Thats the problem. Growing up i have always lived with my uncle and see my mom occasionally. She and i dont really have a great mother daughter relationship. Because i have always lived away from her. And now she acts like she spent her whole life raising me. I was probably like 11 when i moved to live wt my uncle

My husband asked that i give her a chance back in October , but she just seems to be hard headed

 

Edited June 24, 2018 by amaloveskofi

[Going through 5,671]

Even if you did save up enough money for a plane ticket---how are you going to force her to get on the plane if she doesn't wish to? 

 

I agree with getting the pastor to talk to her/the both of you---an unbiased third party with no emotional investment in the situation might be able to get your points across to her more clearly.

[little immigrant 801]

I'd have her move out. What she does then is her problem. If she leaves the country or stays and works is on her. 

 

My MIL started working after I evicted her. 

Edited June 24, 2018 by little immigrant

[Unidentified 2,930]

5 hours ago, amaloveskofi said:

Thats the problem. Growing up i have always lived with my uncle and see my mom occasionally. She and i dont really have a great mother daughter relationship. Because i have always lived away from her. And now she acts like she spent her whole life raising me. I was probably like 11 when i moved to live wt my uncle

My husband asked that i give her a chance back in October , but she just seems to be hard headed

 

Why did you bring her over if you didn't really have a good relationship?

[Going through 5,671]

I remember your other thread about your mother (just went back to read it again)...a lot of good suggestions were made in there about expanding your mother's social circle since arriving in the country as she may have felt depressed---just curious if you all are still living in the same house as your in-laws, and if you were ever able to help set her up with community support/classes in any way?  If not, it may help her further in giving her some incentive to become a bit more independent (and perhaps willingly start working again).

[CEE53147 559]

50 minutes ago, Unidentified said:

Why did you bring her over if you didn't really have a good relationship?

I suspect there was a lot of cultural pressure by family to do so.

 

You will likely need to follow the legal process to evict her to get her out of your house. If she doesn't leave, the police will be involved eventually. This may be enough of an incentive to return to her home country.

 

Look in your city for low cost housing; it may be in the form of a shared living situation with someone from your home country.  Pay her security deposit and a month or two of rent. You may want to give her a prepaid debit card for food.

 

She is obviously a leech taking advantage of not only you but your spouse.  I expect you believed she would care for her grandchildren while you worked so sponsoring her was advantageous to you. It should be an either or - she work for you or she work in the community.

 

Not all are fortunate to have loving and responsible parents. Good luck.

[dawning 212]

Speaking as a mom, I don't think you should have someone who doesn't like your kids, and is stressed out by them, taking care of them.  I imagine your husband wants you to stay home with the kids because he knew you would take great care of them, and it sounds like your mother might not.  If you don't feel she was a good mother to you, don't put her in charge of your children.

 

Do you want her to work because the household needs the money?  Because you want her to move towards being independent(and maybe move out)?  Because you think she will be happier?  I agree that having her pastor talk with her might be helpful.  Maybe he can facilitate a more respectful conversation between you two as well if that seems useful.

 

Good luck!

[amaloveskofi 7]

15 hours ago, dawning said:

Speaking as a mom, I don't think you should have someone who doesn't like your kids, and is stressed out by them, taking care of them.  I imagine your husband wants you to stay home with the kids because he knew you would take great care of them, and it sounds like your mother might not.  If you don't feel she was a good mother to you, don't put her in charge of your children.

 

Do you want her to work because the household needs the money?  Because you want her to move towards being independent(and maybe move out)?  Because you think she will be happier?  I agree that having her pastor talk with her might be helpful.  Maybe he can facilitate a more respectful conversation between you two as well if that seems useful.

 

Good luck!

Thank u. Yes we sure can need some help financially but i dont expect her to work and pay rent or anything.  I want her to work so she can have her own money to take care of herself. 

Also get her something to do instead of staying in her room all day.

She criticize everything my kids does. She wants me to raise my kids like how she raised us which i hate. Screaming and beating kids up.

She always says, yeah she knows how kids here in this country r disrespectful.

I believe respect is 2 ways. U earn it. 

 

[amaloveskofi 7]

17 hours ago, CEE53147 said:

I suspect there was a lot of cultural pressure by family to do so.

 

You will likely need to follow the legal process to evict her to get her out of your house. If she doesn't leave, the police will be involved eventually. This may be enough of an incentive to return to her home country.

 

Look in your city for low cost housing; it may be in the form of a shared living situation with someone from your home country.  Pay her security deposit and a month or two of rent. You may want to give her a prepaid debit card for food.

 

She is obviously a leech taking advantage of not only you but your spouse.  I expect you believed she would care for her grandchildren while you worked so sponsoring her was advantageous to you. It should be an either or - she work for you or she work in the community.

 

Not all are fortunate to have loving and responsible parents. Good luck.

Yes  u r right.  I feel she doesnt appreciate us bringing her here.  Even if i have to open a gofund me page to raise money, i will. So i can buy her a ticket.

[amaloveskofi 7]

18 hours ago, Going through said:

I remember your other thread about your mother (just went back to read it again)...a lot of good suggestions were made in there about expanding your mother's social circle since arriving in the country as she may have felt depressed---just curious if you all are still living in the same house as your in-laws, and if you were ever able to help set her up with community support/classes in any way?  If not, it may help her further in giving her some incentive to become a bit more independent (and perhaps willingly start working again).

I have since moved from my in-laws , living in our house now so i thought that would change, but it didnt. 

She refuse to go anywhere i ask her to, so gave up.

Its very stressful.

[amaloveskofi 7]

19 hours ago, Unidentified said:

Why did you bring her over if you didn't really have a good relationship?

I wanted a relationship with her but i guess it wont work.

She is dead poor in our country and i wanted to make life a little easier for her. I am surprised a poor peraon dont wanna work and better her life but expect other people to turn her life around for her. Its sad

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

Good gracious. All the judgmental people making the OP feel bad for how they feel because they don't have their mother, or have a mother they don't have to take care of. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people negate someone else's frustrations or feelings simply because they had it worse, or differently. All. Situations. Relationships. Etc. Are. DIFFERENT. The OP's experience is not yours.

 

OP came here to vent to the only people they know who can possibly relate. Not for people to make them feel like a terrible person. Sounds like they get enough of that at home.

 

Though I cannot relate to you, OP (at least not in this point in my life), I can understand your frustration and your feelings. Do not feel bad. I was one of the caregivers for both my grandparents in the end of their lives, and though they did not live with me and it wasn't a 24/7 thing, caring for a parent/grandparent/what have you is not all roses, even if you do appreciate your time with them and that you still have them. It is very stressful, very trying, and tests everything in you. Having someone living with you 24/7 - particularly one who seems to be a tad ungrateful - is even worse, I imagine.

 

I agree with most of the (respectful) opinions already shared - consider counseling, perhaps with your mother. If things have reached the point of no return, you may unfortunately have to put it all out on the table and give an ultimatum. At the end of the day, you do have a family - a husband and children - to worry about. It's important to ensure your relationship with your family does not suffer. Make sure you communicate with your husband - these kind of life changes can be a huge stressor on marriages.

 

Best of luck to you and all of your loved ones. XOXO