Regret

[amaloveskofi 7]

Does anyone ever regret bringing their mom/ parent or whatever to the USA?

Gosh, i juat need a place to vent and this is the family i know that will hear me out.

My mom is making my life a living hell. She lives with me and my husband and our 3 kids. My husband wants me to wait till our kids r in school before i get a job because my mom cant handle watching my kids for me to work.

So my husband is the only one working .

So i asked my mom that things have changed, and since she doesn't want to get a job that she should go home and once i get money sometimes, she can be coming to visit and going back instead of her staying here without working and my husband has to take care of her.

Oooo she went bunkers sayin if ee want her to go that we have to build her a new house back in my country before she leaves. She doesn't want to go back and live in her old house. 

I told her, well we cant do that. It turned into a big fight and now im just Thorn .

I dont even have the money to buy her ticket now, but im.going to find one and let her go. 

She has this mindset that its me and my husbands responsibility to care for yer

She is 58 but strong and able to work but ahe doesn't want to.

 

[Roel 7,192]

Why is she unable to babysit your kids? Or she just doesn't want to? 

 

What kind of discussion did you have with your mom before she arrived? Did she tell you then that she won't be working? Did you tell her you'll be taking care of her all the time? 

 

At this point I'd just give your mom an ultimatum - she either find a job and has her own money or you're going to save up and buy her a ticket home. 

[GreatDane 366]

What expectations did you discuss prior to her coming to the US? Is she not able to watch the children physically or does she just not want to?

 

I agree with the above recommendation. But you can't control whether she stays or leaves the country. She can either stay and work or you can buy her a ticket home. You wouldn't be able to throw her out as she has legal rights to live at your house until she's given notice that she has to move out - it could come to that. If it does, expect your relationship to get even worse and be cut off.

[Jeanne Adil 1,651]

have u helped her by teaching her to drive, etc

anyone needing a job needs to gain indepedence and feel worthwhile to even interview with confidence

offer this help 

show her costs of health insurance and maintaince to keep her

ask her to help by trying to find a job/  not order her

and at 58 (any education?)  may not be as easy as u think for her to find work

remember the I 864 that does make u responsible 

it is not her fault if all this was not discussed before she came

i can understand your problems /  seek a good counsellor

wishing u to maintain a solid relationship as u only have 1 mother

a sincere good luck

Edited June 23, 2018 by adil-rafa

[KazuriSana 324]

Growing up dirt poor, one of 12 siblings in a small village in south eastern Kenya, I saw my mom sacrifice so much, deny herself, so that we kids could eat. Today, all of us grown and with successful careers, we are virtually engaged in well-meaning wars among ourselves about who will have mom this year, that year, in our homes.

 

Me being the one that moved away so far, I get to have her just a month or two every other year! And now, in her late 80s, she doesn't want to travel 28 hours to the US, I have to go with the kids!

 

How I wish she would want to live with me, so my kids could grow with a grandmother's influence around them!

 

I can't imagine someone wanting to kick out their mother from their home. How much can she eat, especially in a family with already 5 mouths? A sixth wouldn't make so much difference.

 

But then, people and cultures, and personalities, are so different!

[Roel 7,192]

13 minutes ago, BlessedAssurance said:

Growing up dirt poor, one of 12 siblings in a small village in south eastern Kenya, I saw my mom sacrifice so much, deny herself, so that we kids could eat. Today, all of us grown and with successful careers, we are virtually engaged in well-meaning wars among ourselves about who will have mom this year, that year, in our homes.

 

Me being the one that moved away so far, I get to have her just a month or two every other year! And now, in her late 80s, she doesn't want to travel 28 hours to the US, I have to go with the kids!

 

How I wish she would want to live with me, so my kids could grow with a grandmother's influence around them!

 

I can't imagine someone wanting to kick out their mother from their home. How much can she eat, especially in a family with already 5 mouths? A sixth wouldn't make so much difference.

 

But then, people and cultures, and personalities, are so different!

Stuff like this is very easy to say, when you never had to take care of someone who is nothing but troubles and who is ungrateful. Do you really think its all about food? She's an adult, not an old person and she should be able to contribute. And if she can't find a job, she should at least babysit so OP can work.

 

And I'm sure its all kind of emotional burdens also. There is TONS of people who think that taking care of elderly parents is easy, but when it actually comes to that - they give up.

[amaloveskofi 7]

Good, because maybe the r mom dont back talk abt u to ur siblins. She tells my sister back home that left to me alone ,every morning when she wakes she would be pushing my kids on the swing. Whats wrong if she does that.

 

 

[amaloveskofi 7]

58 minutes ago, Roel said:

Why is she unable to babysit your kids? Or she just doesn't want to? 

 

What kind of discussion did you have with your mom before she arrived? Did she tell you then that she won't be working? Did you tell her you'll be taking care of her all the time? 

 

At this point I'd just give your mom an ultimatum - she either find a job and has her own money or you're going to save up and buy her a ticket home. 

Sh complains watching them. She would be in her room watching tv whiles kids will be in the living room playing or are outside playing. My husband and his parents have noticed she gets stressed out watching the kids.

So since she cant watch them for me to get a job, thats y i wanted her to find something to do and make money for herself. We dont care if she lives in our home. She just talks really bad about me and my kids to my sister back home and my sister told me.

 

[databit 328]

You have a new life in a new country. Don't let your mother force "old country" customs on you. You are the boss of your life now. Lay down the rules. 

[Ketsuban 1,034]

5 hours ago, BlessedAssurance said:

Growing up dirt poor, one of 12 siblings in a small village in south eastern Kenya, I saw my mom sacrifice so much, deny herself, so that we kids could eat. Today, all of us grown and with successful careers, we are virtually engaged in well-meaning wars among ourselves about who will have mom this year, that year, in our homes.

 

Me being the one that moved away so far, I get to have her just a month or two every other year! And now, in her late 80s, she doesn't want to travel 28 hours to the US, I have to go with the kids!

 

How I wish she would want to live with me, so my kids could grow with a grandmother's influence around them!

 

I can't imagine someone wanting to kick out their mother from their home. How much can she eat, especially in a family with already 5 mouths? A sixth wouldn't make so much difference.

 

But then, people and cultures, and personalities, are so different!

At the end of the day, no one asks to be born.

[KazuriSana 324]

4 minutes ago, Ketsuban said:

At the end of the day, no one asks to be born.

Very well said.

 

Let the poor buzzards fed for themselves or go out and scrap on the streets! Nobody asked them to waste money raising their ungrateful little idiots instead of saving it for their old age!

[kemm360 144]

She’s living the American dream. Lol 

Edited June 23, 2018 by kemm360

[janet3 1,170]

9 hours ago, amaloveskofi said:

Does anyone ever regret bringing their mom/ parent or whatever to the USA?

Gosh, i juat need a place to vent and this is the family i know that will hear me out.

My mom is making my life a living hell. She lives with me and my husband and our 3 kids. My husband wants me to wait till our kids r in school before i get a job because my mom cant handle watching my kids for me to work.

So my husband is the only one working .

So i asked my mom that things have changed, and since she doesn't want to get a job that she should go home and once i get money sometimes, she can be coming to visit and going back instead of her staying here without working and my husband has to take care of her.

Oooo she went bunkers sayin if ee want her to go that we have to build her a new house back in my country before she leaves. She doesn't want to go back and live in her old house. 

I told her, well we cant do that. It turned into a big fight and now im just Thorn .

I dont even have the money to buy her ticket now, but im.going to find one and let her go. 

She has this mindset that its me and my husbands responsibility to care for yer

She is 58 but strong and able to work but ahe doesn't want to.

 

I wish whole heartedly I was in your shoes. I would love to have my mother here telling me I was doing everything wrong and she wasn’t going home. I would love for her to give me advice and her opinion (even if she complained incessantly to my sister about how I did everything wrong).

But I do not have that option. My mother died when I was 37 (she was 58). She died of heart failure (a complication from a medicine she was taking for her multiple sclerosis...,which she was diagnosed with when I was 13 years old). 

So yes, having lived without a mother (a sick one to boot) I can safely say...., I truly wish I was in your shoes.....

Just try to find some peace...rant when she drives you crazy....but be thankful that you have the opportunity to spend some time with her....

[CEE53147 559]

Unless the worker has a very well paying job, a family of 5 - now 6 - will be struggling financially. 

 

Does your mother attend a place of worship and have a spiritual counselor she trusts?  That would be the ideal person to explain the situation to her.

 

They need t explain to her that since she is only in her 50s, she needs to get a job so she will not be destitute in her old age.  She needs to work at least 10 years for her social security.  Americans do not want or need to support an able bodied immigrant for the rest of her life.  She is a problem not only to her daughter but to you and me.

[Ontarkie 14,224]

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