Violence Against Women Act and me

[Galina 0]

Yes, FSU stands for Former Soviet Union. Probably most of the guys wanting to look for a woman go to Ukraine or Russia, but there are some who find the woman of their dreams in Belarus, Kazahkistan, Ajerbaijan, and so on. FSU is what would be currently the CIS states or what was the USSR. When we talk about looking for a wife there we don't want to leave guys and women out of the discusson who happen to be from someplace besides Russia.

Galina, Yes, I am an American. Sometimes it is good to understand a little more than people think you do. It can make things very interesting.

Galina, for most of us marrying a wonderful woman from Russia is not something we do often so we sometimes don't know what to expect and we can all be stupid sometimes and do wrong things.

There are men who want what we call a "Trophy wife" They want a beautiful woman on their arm so that others will envy them and be jealous and it can make them feel important, just as you said like a shiny new luxury car in the driveway. I don't think that is a good thing and most people don't.

Personally I don't care what others think of me and would rather they like me for the way I am and try to treat people and trust me because I seem honest and like I can be trusted than to have them even think about the wife (if we ever get our visa) I have as someone other than someone I love very much and have a wonderful marriage with. I don't need people to envy me.

Yes, there are people that way and your husband may be one. Sometimes though we just don't understand what doing things properly are. We try, but do things that are dumb. The fiancee I have now is actually my second. I was very much in love with another woman from Russia and brought her here two years ago but her motives were not what I expectd. Origionally I expected here here in early August. We got a 221-g and did not get the visa for several weeks. A few days after she arrived we had our company picnic for the business I own. I had hoped she would be here for several weeks before it but she was only here for days. She went and was very uncomfortable around so many new American women. She ran into the woods crying. I took her home and felt very bad that I had put her into a situation where she was not comfortable.

It could be that your husband hoped you could meet his friends and to help you adapt. Men with Russian wives are a little unique and it is bound to create some conversation and curiosity. It will pass in time but you are new to them and you are going to be something special to them and it may not be that he thinks of you like an expensive car.

It sounds like you have not been here too long. Be patient and give it some time and it may be fine.

I have been here for two years, I am very comfortable with Americans, I don't have a language barrier, I love talking to locals and they seem to enjoy talking to me. I didn't (and still don't) need his help to mix in. Those people (thank God we moved and I don't have to see them any more) were three times my age, with military background and bank careers. My husband had a clear idea I wouldn't have anything in common with them.

I am very familiar with the term "Trophy Wife", believe me!

There is nothing unique about men with Russian wifes, or Ukrainian wifes, or Chinese wifes or any wifes for that matter. As long as such a perspective of uniqueness holds, the problems with misunderstanding, emotional discrepancies in the relationships won't cease to exist.

We are women first of all, nationality comes second.

About the trouble of fitting in here:

your first should have known what she was getting into before her plane landed at JFK, that she would be all alone here, no friends or family to rely on... The only way is to breathe in, breathe out and realize that "every man for himself" (herself in this case). It takes a lot of strength to be here, to just struggle through everyday (and husbands are not much of a help ), and apparently not everybody is cut for it.

About patience:

oh, yeah, it will be fine! I know what I want and how to get it, I go to the university that I like, getting a career I want, I write for a newspaper and get published, so I am waaayyy toooo busy to wonder if my husband treats me like a car or not! As long as he doesn't beat me, I am all good.

It just sickened me to have read the forum and to realize that I am not the only one who is treated like this.

I also showed this discussion to my friends, both Russian and American, they all think the tone is racial and therefore derogatory!

[slim 1,514]

Ok, hi, people!

This is crazy horrible $5000-dollar-at-a-time-spending-not-willing-to-work-not-knowing-the-price-of-money-FSU Galina!

My, my, my! Where do I start?

First of all, we might all be exotic animals, luxury items or a means for self-compensation for you, guys, but we also happen to be human beings! "To give her money or not, 2 hours a week on the phone or 2 and a half..." Something is telling me such-like topics wouldn't occur with American wifes. And don't even try to tell me that all local gals work, 'cause I know they don't, at least not all of them.

Honestly, all these talks sound like discussions of a new car or some computer gadget that my husband is so fond of.

The advise of a Russian woman (somebody here asked for it) - change the attitude!!!

The situation with work that my significant other complained about:

From day one in college in Russia I've never asked anybody for any money! I had my source of income that was enough to pay for everything, including my first trip to the States on the student visa for the summer (when I met Russell). I am not sure if he told you about this or not, but my first journey had taught me a lot about making and spending "easy" money. One little fact (since we are counting here, ladies and gentlemen) - during our first date in Miami, our first trip to Tampa and Disney [i]I not only paid for myself but also covered a lot of his expenses (entertainment business was good in Chicago that summer!).[/i]The ticket to Paris, European visa to see him was also paid from my pocket.

When we settled down here, the first thing I asked was if I should work as soon as I could. His reply was: "No, darling, we can afford for you to go on your education and choose a career of your dream without you working"

When money got tight and we needed cash instantly I was the one to bring my jewelry (some of which, like a 3-carat ruby ring, was a family heirloom) to the pawn to pay for Russell's ticket to fly to work.

So the stereotype of Russian wifes being helpless kids here doesn't stand.

Also just for the record: I buy clothes at TJMaxx and cosmetics at CVS. Once I was granted a trip to Saks and an Armani lipstick was bought for me ($25), add there a couple of trips to Aveda ($150 total for almost 2 years of marriage) and a Macks pressed powder ($35 approximately) The biggest amount of money ever spent in the mall in this country was $700 last winter ($350 Boss dress shirt for him, plus Boss tie and Boss perfume for him also)

Allowance? Ha! Twanny bucks if I wanna go out by myself is thrown in my purse like a bone!

Yes, he pays the bills and I am not complaining but all these accusations of me (or any other Russian wife, I'd imagine) being a Big Spender are simply ridiculous!

Yes, cost of living is different, and the scale of its measurement is also moved up the line, but your everyday simple living seems like a luxury for us so we don't demand much!

About the girl cutting herself:

keeping in mind this totally racial attitude (heck, my word or opinion means more to my fellow students and professors at the university, where I am getting my master's in Journalism, than to my own husband) to Russian wifes as a special type of people would drive anybody crazy! Would that guy also consider about putting locks on kitchen cabinets to control how much she ate and not to waste more than necessary on food?

What leaves a hope: not all men in this country share the opinions of this forum!

Thank you for attention and Good Night!

And you wonder why we like FSU women?

Galina, there is a bit of "racism" involved for guys that choose to take a Russian bride. Personally, I would never even consider marrying an American woman. Not a chance.

But I think what you're smelling here is what you perceive as an insulting tone, when in actuality, it's more of a boastful tone that stems from the pride that most of us feel for having "scored" a much better wife than what we would've here.

Now, before you're all mad about this... imagine you're an American man for a minute. Are you happy with the local women? I'm willing to bet that in the two years that you've been here you've looked at more than a few American women and thought to yourself, "what's wrong with these girls? They have such handsome and nice men that treat their women well, why are they fat and ugly and act like cheap sluts?" And before Satellite and others chime in (we had this same post about a year ago... I know his position on it already) that we could "score" a "high-quality" woman here, look at it from another angle. None of the American men on here "chose" an American woman. We chose to import one from the FSU. We like women who are both beautiful and level-headed. (It's extremely hard to find that here!)

Ask yourself, why?

I think you know why. It's not only that you're a mindless hottie. It's that you're a mindless hottie that does housework too. You can't find gorgeous women in the U.S. that'll do anything for themselves. It's just impossible. That's why we choose foreigners, and among foreigners... FSU is tops!!!

And that's part of it. The other part is you have your husband "showing you off", when the real "bragging" is not "look how hot my wife is", it's "look how AWESOME my hot wife is." Not only is she capable of living in another country, speaking another language, making it through school... but she's also doing all that while taking care of me when I need her help, and looking HOT while doing it! She doesn't need to cheapen herself or lower her standards to get what she wants. She makes her mind up, and she does it. And, best of all, she includes me in that!

There's a HUGE difference in the mentality of women from the FSU and women from here. And when we post comments on that, or label it, we're not saying it as looking down upon you or trying to place you in a lower status, we're simply contrasting that with what we're accustomed to here on an everyday basis. Plain and simple... you're better! And we're just happy the rest of the guys here in the U.S. aren't smart enough to do it themselves!

To everyone else..... If you met this girl on the internet, flew to see her a few times, flew her around the world to see you, etc., etc., etc., by all means, promising her a weekly $200 is going to keep her perfectly satisfied. Ask yourself, is this going to keep her happy? As mentioned above, the fundamental differences between FSU women and A/Ws are vast. Ensure the girl that you're "sponsoring" to the U.S. is aware of what she's in for, and please, concentrate on the relationship aspect of it before the money part. I know you've probably already done this, but I know for a fact in Marc and Olga's case, money was/is the key point in this current situation. The four month delay in her arrival was mostly because of money, same with my fiancee. Neither Marc nor myself is in the position to be "sponsoring" a girl to the U.S. for $800/month, so even something as trivial as a $75 bill is crucial to a monthly family budget. Olga knew that. My wife knew that. That doesn't mean they're going to be happy about it. Because when you take away the money.... all you're really doing is just "showing off your hot wife." That is, unless you're happy together, in a real relationship, and actually LOVE each other. It does take some effort to make it work, and everyone's situation is different, so the only thing that you can do to maximize your probability of success is to be honest and understanding, and to ensure that you do agree (and adhere!) on what you're going to do with your collective futures.

Good luck to all!

It's nice to have this VJ system. I especially like hearing from the wives/girlfriends because it adds the "flip side" to our stories. My wife was getting really unhappy at first.... till she heard how horrible some other girls had it. (Not here on VJ, some other places.) After that, things have been great!

[Turboguy 6]

your first should have known what she was getting into before her plane landed at JFK, that she would be all alone here, no friends or family to rely on... The only way is to breathe in, breathe out and realize that "every man for himself" (herself in this case). It takes a lot of strength to be here, to just struggle through everyday (and husbands are not much of a help ), and apparently not everybody is cut for it.

The story of my first fiancee would take hours to tell. It was basically a case of falling in love with someone who only pretended to be in love with me and ignoring some red flags that I attributed to moodiness. All through the fiancee process I kept studying ways to help her adapt and make her happy. When she arrived I had Russian TV, Russian Keyboard, english lessons lined up. Russian people who wanted to be her friend (she refused to meet them) Americans who wanted to be her friends. I took the first two weeks off and we vacationed together and I had enough to keep her busy when she wanted and had time alone when she wanted and tons more. A few weeks after she arrived she asked me if I would help her get a green card and pretend to be married but lead our own lives. Of course I said no. Three days after she got back to Russia she was begging me to do another K-1 with her and said she had made the biggest mistake of her life and her keyboard was covered with tears. To this day she knows she made a big mistake and wishes she had it to do over again.

Well Galina, I agree with you that not everyone is cut out for it and I think that applies to both the men and the women. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a lot of determination. It sounds to that you are adapting well to life in America. Actually you remind me a lot of my current fiancee in the way you think. She has a lot of drive and determination as well. She tells me that she wants to try hard to adapt to life here and wants to be an American from Russia and not a Russian living in America. She has a degree in psychology but wants to go to school and take up another field here. I would like to see her stay in school long enough to get an advanced degree. Because we can't get our visa we are going to try to find a place to live together and she wants it to be someplace English speaking so she is not wasting time while we wait and wait and wait.

The only thing you have commented about was AK saying his FSU wife. That one statement does not seem like as big a deal as you are making it out to be. Were there other comments that I missed?

[akdiver 3]

The only thing you have commented about was AK saying his FSU wife.

Hey now, get your facts straight TG. I never would have used the phrase "FSU wife". Like I said, until recently, I thought FSU was Florida State University (:

Sorry to hear about your woes too. Damned man. That sucks. No earthly idea on what this hold up is with the latest fiance? Did you get married to the previous one, or did you get to the bottom of things before then?

Maybe you could forget the K-1 process. Go over there and get married, and try again on a different process, K-3, or CR-1, or whatever the married already visa process is.

Good luck!

AKDiver

[Turboguy 6]

Sorry AK, I did not want to go back a few pages and look who said that but it is the only comment that she seemed to pick up on and I had thought it was in one of your posts.

Slim, nice post. you and I were posting at the same time so I missed that at first. I agree, If I am racist it is in thinking that RW are pretty special and AW are pretty spoiled. If you treat American women like they are speical they sort of think they own you, take your for granted and turn into users. One of the things I really like about my fiancee is I can treat her like she is special and in return she treats me like I am special.

No, the other one stayed 89 days and went home. As far as the current one we are in administrative review. It can go on for years. someone pm'd me yesterday that theirs was at 2 years and 4 months with nothing happening. I have no idea why or when it will end. A lawyer can not help you. Your congressman can not help you. It is the second k1 with different fiance(e)s for both of us. I don't ususally talk about hers becuase she considers it private but she came here and after he got here, he confided in her that he liked men too and hoped she did not mind sharing him with his boyfriend. She said, buy me a ticket back to russia and stayed 3 weeks total.

We are looking at moving someplace to live together while we wait and right now Barbados looks like the top choice. I think we are shooting for about 30 days from now. I will try to come back for 3 days a month to run my business and count on my employees in the meantime.

[akdiver 3]

Sorry AK, I did not want to go back a few pages and look who said that but it is the only comment that she seemed to pick up on and I had thought it was in one of your posts.

That's OK (:

I agree, If I am racist it is in thinking that RW are pretty special and AW are pretty spoiled.

Let's be clear here. Racism has nothing to do with this. Nationalism maybe, but not racism. There are many different races in both of these countries, and genetics really is not the issue anyway.

he confided in her that he liked men too and hoped she did not mind sharing him with his boyfriend. She said, buy me a ticket back to russia and stayed 3 weeks total.

Good lord. You'd think this could come up BEFORE she got here.

We are looking at moving someplace to live together while we wait and right now Barbados looks like the top choice. I think we are shooting for about 30 days from now. I will try to come back for 3 days a month to run my business and count on my employees in the meantime.

Good luck on that one. Jezzz. At least you're in a position to do it. Couldn't you get a business visa and go to Russia for a year? Seems like that would be a better option.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Satellite 1]

And before Satellite and others chime in (we had this same post about a year ago... I know his position on it already) that we could "score" a "high-quality" woman here, look at it from another angle. None of the American men on here "chose" an American woman. We chose to import one from the FSU. We like women who are both beautiful and level-headed. (It's extremely hard to find that here!)

They are still here, my position still stands, just check Brooklyn, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles and other large cities. Plenty of Russian speaking girls who came from the USSR as political refugees between the ages of 0 and 18, myself included, though I am a male They are bilingual, goal oriented, understand the American system, and posses all the same attributes as the "FSU Women". As you stated, a year ago I gave some reasons (opinions) on why those women are also unavailable.

A few weeks after she arrived she asked me if I would help her get a green card and pretend to be married but lead our own lives. Of course I said no. Three days after she got back to Russia she was begging me to do another K-1 with her and said she had made the biggest mistake of her life and her keyboard was covered with tears. To this day she knows she made a big mistake and wishes she had it to do over again.

I guess nobody told your former fiancee that Americans are too honest and law abiding to do such a thing. If she would have known she would have played the being married game up until citizenship or lifting conditions. And when she returned to Russia she was probably the laughing stock of society for blowing her chance at a greencard. My opinion, no offense.

[Turboguy 6]

Good lord. You'd think this could come up BEFORE she got here.

Good luck on that one. Jezzz. At least you're in a position to do it. Couldn't you get a business visa and go to Russia for a year? Seems like that would be a better option.

Cheers!

AKDiver

Well, I think his idea was that once he had here here she would be trapped where if he told her first she had more options. She would never have come had he told her that first.

Well, I am not saying I am in a position to do it but I can manage somehow, at least for a while. To do a business visa to Russia I would have to have a business reason and we do sell an occassional machine there but not enough to worry about. It would basically be visa fraud. I would be more confined there. In Barbados I can come back for a few days every month and pay some bills and solve any real business problems where in Russia that would be a pain. Also she would like to be somewhere English speaking so she can start to adapt to life in America. We had talked about living in Sochi and went there 3 weeks ago. We liked it but did not like it for a place to live.

[Turboguy 6]

I guess nobody told your former fiancee that Americans are too honest and law abiding to do such a thing. If she would have known she would have played the being married game up until citizenship or lifting conditions. And when she returned to Russia she was probably the laughing stock of society for blowing her chance at a greencard. My opinion, no offense.

I guess not. She even contacted a couple of immigration attorneys to see if there was any way she could stay and they said usually you have to be married to have a way to stay. She stayed up half the night during her last 6 weeks here writing men on the internet. She and some looser from Vegas were trying to figure out a way to do another K-1 without meeting. He could not afford a trip to meet her. She was whacky.

She would argue with me over the stupidest things. We were at my office and sent out for lunch and both got salads. I don't like tomatos and she loved them so I asked her if she wanted my tomatos and she got furious and said she had never been so humiliated in her life. That I had tried to give her my garbage. We were in a WalMart looking for something for her and had trouble finding it. She was looking in one area and I was about 10 feet away. I found them and called her and motioned her to come over. She said that was "calling her like a dog". We were in Virginia Beach and were having breakfast. She asked me what I thought she would like. Since she ate a lot of fruit, I asked her if she would like the fruit bowl. She went running out of the restaurant and would not speak to me for a day. She had wanted to try an American breakfast but had not told me. She expected me to be a mindreader.

[Galina 0]

Well Galina, I agree with you that not everyone is cut out for it and I think that applies to both the men and the women. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a lot of determination. It sounds to that you are adapting well to life in America. Actually you remind me a lot of my current fiancee in the way you think. She has a lot of drive and determination as well. She tells me that she wants to try hard to adapt to life here and wants to be an American from Russia and not a Russian living in America. She has a degree in psychology but wants to go to school and take up another field here. I would like to see her stay in school long enough to get an advanced degree. Because we can't get our visa we are going to try to find a place to live together and she wants it to be someplace English speaking so she is not wasting time while we wait and wait and wait.

The only thing you have commented about was AK saying his FSU wife. That one statement does not seem like as big a deal as you are making it out to be. Were there other comments that I missed?

I actually didn't have enough patience to quote all that have mentioned FSU before. Sorry! Will be more careful next time!

[russ 1]

That's what I thought too! (We both go to USF, which actually has a football team now)

I dunno - whenever I see the term "FSU women" I think of the gals at Florida State University. It took me a while to

[Turboguy 6]

Is what you are saying that you object to the term FSU?

[russ 1]

What a nice problem to have, if you can do it! Good luck. Holland is a good place to live too (easy to get a visa, PM me if you want details).

I would move to Russia, or anywhere else in the world to be with my wife. I'm lucky that we can do that.

And Galina - PLEASE KEEP POSTING HERE. It was a year ago when Galina posted here the first time. Without this place, we would not still be married. Your opinion matters not only to me, but many other people here. We don't always see things the same way. No two people ever do. It isn't bad, it isn't good. It is just how life works.

I would also like to agree with my wife here. I have no sympathy for anyone who abuses their wife, limits their use of the phone, or treats them like a trophy wife. I, like everyone else here, has heard things that repulse me. And please keep in mind -- most of us are not mail order brides or husbands. Most of us seem to have just met and fell in love. (including us)

We have arguments about money, where to live, where to take vacation, work, what car to buy... JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. It is just part of marriage.

Galina is a great woman. I'm proud to be married to her, and I sincerely hope she keeps reading here.

I think we are shooting for about 30 days from now. I will try to come back for 3 days a month to run my business and count on my employees in the meantime.

[Turboguy 6]

I have been to Holland a number of times. It is one of my favorite countries. My fiancee would prefer to be in an English speaking country so she can improve her English which will help her when she finally ever does arrive. I am not so sure it is that easy to get a visa but I know it can be done. My fiancee had a visa to France at one time and I think one visa for the Shengen countries makes it easier to get another.

I take it Galina is your wife. I too enjoyed her posts and like to hear the perspective of Russian women. My fiancee also has posted at some of the forums I go to and I enjoy it a lot that she participates.

Personally, I think a marriage to a Russian woman is much more challenging than marriage to an American woman but the reward is more than worth it and I think the extra challenges make it interesting.

She seems to object to the term FSU, Former Soviet Union. I never thought of it as derogatory in any way. Perhaps it does conjure up memories of what was one of many rather dark times for Russia (although there are some that wish it was back) I suppose the term CIS would be one option. I would enjoy knowing why she finds it objectionable from a learning standpoint.

I think every couple goes through arguments about some things. Money is a common one.

[Galina 0]

-- this is russ, posting from Galka's account

I lived there for many years. Amsterdam is really an English speaking city. It is also one of the easiest places for an American to get a visa in Europe. Your spouse will automatically get one (doesn't matter what country they are from).

Put $22,000 in a bank account and you will get dutch permanent residency. It is pretty easy.

I have been to Holland a number of times. It is one of my favorite countries. My fiancee would prefer to be in an English speaking country so she can improve her English which will help her when she finally ever does arrive. I am not so sure it is that easy to get a visa but I know it can be done.