Violence Against Women Act and me

[akdiver 3]

My fiancee and I have already discussed this and we both want for her to have an allowance. She does not like the idea of having to ask for money. We haven't set the amount yet but I think it is a good thing to do. Since I will be with her most of the time when she is out, at least for a while, she probably won't need a lot but I too want her to feel comfortable and not dependent.

I don't buy into the allowence concept - as if she is a child, or some kind of employee. I gave mine a credit card and told her to spend what she wanted, but to be responsible. It has worked out just fine.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[Turboguy 6]

Well AK, from the time she arrives until she can work she is about as dependent on you as a child would be, is she not? What if she is hot and want a soda and can't find a soda machine that will take plastic. A credit card can be good and good training in budgeting but it is not the answer to all the problems.

I too plan to give my fiancee an alowance but nothing in the range of $ 200-300 a week. I think that too can create good lessons in budgeting and money management and then she does not have to come to me when she needs money.

[akdiver 3]

Well AK, from the time she arrives until she can work she is about as dependent on you as a child would be, is she not?

Well, if she doesn't show up with any money I guess, sure.

What if she is hot and want a soda and can't find a soda machine that will take plastic.

Don't you guys have a convenience store on practically every corner? If not, maybe we can send some your way.

Only cash I usually carry is quarters for parking meters, and even so, that's a stash that is sitting in the car somewhere.

If you feel cash is the only way to get by, then leave a big pile of cash in the house and tell her to use some when she needs some. Makes cash available, without an allowance, and without having to ask for it. An ATM card will also serve this purpose. No need to resort to an allowance system.

The problem with an allowance system is that it tends to create a desire to spend money. The thought process goes like this, "I get $X per whatever to spend on anything I want. This is MY money. Therefore, I will spend $X per whatever on anything I want." There TENDS to be less thought given to what one really needs to spend, or should spend. Same thing happens in government. "Well, property taxes brought in $x this year. We need to find a way to spend that money." God forbid it spends only what is necessary and gives the rest back to the tax payers. Hell no, it will spend every last dime, and usually then some.

Cheers!

AKDiver

[MaxxumUSA 0]

Well AK, from the time she arrives until she can work she is about as dependent on you as a child would be, is she not?

Well, if she doesn't show up with any money I guess, sure.

What if she is hot and want a soda and can't find a soda machine that will take plastic.

Don't you guys have a convenience store on practically every corner? If not, maybe we can send some your way.

Only cash I usually carry is quarters for parking meters, and even so, that's a stash that is sitting in the car somewhere.

If you feel cash is the only way to get by, then leave a big pile of cash in the house and tell her to use some when she needs some. Makes cash available, without an allowance, and without having to ask for it. An ATM card will also serve this purpose. No need to resort to an allowance system.

The problem with an allowance system is that it tends to create a desire to spend money. The thought process goes like this, "I get $X per whatever to spend on anything I want. This is MY money. Therefore, I will spend $X per whatever on anything I want." There TENDS to be less thought given to what one really needs to spend, or should spend. Same thing happens in government. "Well, property taxes brought in $x this year. We need to find a way to spend that money." God forbid it spends only what is necessary and gives the rest back to the tax payers. Hell no, it will spend every last dime, and usually then some.

Cheers!

AKDiver

Very good points about government and well taken.

I'm not sure exactly what we will do. I was thinking to give her a reasonable weekly cash amount to freely spend or save. This is difficult to put a number on because we (On this board) are obviously all in different financial situations.

I do agree with you with the credit card deal. I mean... she will have credit cards of course. I was commenting only on the cash available without her needing to ask or me seeing the statements. Freedom in spending.

I think we're going slightly off topic and this could be a thread all by itself.

In any case... I was thinking of ways to ensure she feels free and comfortable. Giving her about the same money per month/week she makes working back home until she can work here seemed like a logical start. This would allow her to live with the same financial freedoms she did back home. Am I terribly wrong in this thought?

I honestly would like some russian women input on this question.

I spent a few weeks in Russia and I cannot imagine being there without cash. Why on earth would I expect my wife to be without cash? Again... am i wrong?

[Turboguy 6]

Well, If I recall correctly from a few years ago yours brought enough to give you an allowance but mine will not have that situation. Mine usually travels with $ 400-500 on her. Still I don't want her spending her money.

AK, There are cash people and plastic people and I am a cash people. I have not used an ATM machine in 15 years and the only ATM card I have is in Russia. I have a wallet full of credit cards but use them as little as possible except for business. I don't go out for a quart of milk without what a lot of people would consider a lot of money on me.

I guess the money in the drawer thing would work fine. That is what I used to do with my ex long ago. My fiancee asked about an allowance so she did not have to ask me for money. If she is more comfortable with a couple of thousand sitting in a drawer that she can access whenever she needs that is fine with me. In fact I already have that so all I would have to do is tell her what drawers. She is a very conservative gal so I don't worry about her blowing it because it is there.

[MaxxumUSA 0]

Well, If I recall correctly from a few years ago yours brought enough to give you an allowance but mine will not have that situation. Mine usually travels with $ 400-500 on her. Still I don't want her spending her money.

AK, There are cash people and plastic people and I am a cash people. I have not used an ATM machine in 15 years and the only ATM card I have is in Russia. I have a wallet full of credit cards but use them as little as possible except for business. I don't go out for a quart of milk without what a lot of people would consider a lot of money on me.

I guess the money in the drawer thing would work fine. That is what I used to do with my ex long ago. My fiancee asked about an allowance so she did not have to ask me for money. If she is more comfortable with a couple of thousand sitting in a drawer that she can access whenever she needs that is fine with me. In fact I already have that so all I would have to do is tell her what drawers. She is a very conservative gal so I don't worry about her blowing it because it is there.

T/G... I think we're on the same wavelength.

Not that we're right... but at least I can suggest that we're not necessarily wrong.

[Satellite 1]

Giving her about the same money per month/week she makes working back home until she can work here seemed like a logical start.

Do you plan on charging her rent and board? If not, if you subtract out her expenses in Russia for those things, as well as other necessities, you will find that your wife had very little money to just spend on herself. Therefore giving her an "allowance" equal to her wages rather than the dollar equivalent of the meager ruble salary she had minus expenses will be a huge windfall for her (My apologies if your wife was well off in Russia, then this whole topic is not applicable since she will have plenty cash saved up from her own earnings to bring with her).

This would allow her to live with the same financial freedoms she did back home. Am I terribly wrong in this thought?

My wife can tell you that she had no financial freedom in Russia, because she had so little money and was very frugal. Although things did cost a lot less there.

I spent a few weeks in Russia and I cannot imagine being there without cash. Why on earth would I expect my wife to be without cash?

Why wouldn't your wife be bringing money with her? You want to tell me she has none saved up for a trip to the US? That is crazy. She is more than capable of bringing her own cash, even if just a small amount, and if she did bring her own cash she'd find a way to get by on it without "pissing away" the kind of sums you described earlier.

However, I agree with you, that if $800 a month is same to you as $8 a month is to me, then this is whole topic is a non-issue and the rest of us should just realize that we are not all on the same financial footing.

Edited May 10, 2007 by Satellite

[Nancy2015 2]

So after Olga arrived, everything was fine, things went well until I learned she was spending many HOURS on the telephone to Russia, which we cannot afford at this time and I tried to explain it to her but she either didn't understand or didn't WANT to understand.

She spent close to $300 in her first 2 months here in the USA, couple that with $127 in Text Messages to and from Russia and the next cell phone bill is looking like it will be much higher.

We have been living on the edge since we returned from Disneyland and I have been trying to get us caught up so I tried to limit her usage on both the international calls and the international text messages and when I learned she could not limit herself...I lost all trust I had in her and without trust there is not relationship...

Back up a sec, on April 1, after she agreed to spend ONLY 2 hours a week to Russia as that was all we could afford, I learned she used 8 hours in 2 weeks and removed the vonage adapter. When she came home and discovered this she proceeded to threaten to claim I sexually abused her, thus abusing the Violence against Women Act to secure her stay in the USA.

There were other signs that this may have been fraud on her part but I will not discuss those here, those that know me, have heard the WHOLE story...

Now back to tonight, I finally decided I was through with the headaches, through with the stress of our financial situation, through with our marriage and again she threatened to abuse the Violence Against Women Act, then she cut her self...intentionally and insisted I drive her to the hospital where I waited 2 hours to see what would happen, I eventually decided that I was through waiting there and came home, to write this.

Those that know me, know these are false claims...I would never hurt or abuse anyone but V.A.W.A. is written so that no one cares about the accused...at least as I understand.

All I have to say is this once wonderful turned horror story of a chapter is close to being finished!

Peace

Hi Marc,

I'm sorry - I had no time to read the whole topic, so I apologize if something say has already been said here.

Too bad your wife didn't learn to use Skype - it's free. That's what I use to call my family, and I haven't spent a cent on international calling since I came here in 2005.

VAWA is not a fast ride to a green card - VAWA cases have to be supported with evidence, and according to what you say (I am assuming you're being honest), your wife has none. I wouldn't be too worried about it, but then again, it's hard not to be worried in a situation like that.

Be strong, and I hope you will figure it all out somehow.

[Turboguy 6]

Maxxum, Yes, I think we are about on the same page except for amount. I am probably thinking more along the lines of $ 50-100 a week but if she needs more or less I will adjust it. I can't really think of much she would need any money for. I want her to keep whatever she brings as a reserve and don't want her spending it. If I remember correctly AK's honey brought $ 50,000 with her. Mine is a comfortalby poor average girl. I would not call her poor but loaded with cash she is not. She lives comfortably.

Max, are you figuring on her buying her clothes from that. If so it is about right, maybe still a little high. Frankly I think an allowance would help them to learn to budget their money and plastic teaches her what is wrong with amercian fincances.

[russ 1]

Funny. From my military days, I remember this concept called "zero budgeting." It meant that if your budget was 10 million, but you only spent 7 million that year - you would only get 7 million the next year. As a result, generals would buy 50,000 tons of paper clips on the last day of the fiscal year and bury them.

We always have enough for the essentials (rent, taxes, food, gas, insurance, tuition, etc). I pay the bills and consider it my job. I wouldn't mind Galina doing it, but she doesn't really want to. The "discretionary" stuff is always a debate. Makeup and clothes can easily be $5,000 a day for Galina. I can spend as much sailing, flying, or skiing. Such is life.

The problem with an allowance system is that it tends to create a desire to spend money. The thought process goes like this, "I get $X per whatever to spend on anything I want. This is MY money. Therefore, I will spend $X per whatever on anything I want." There TENDS to be less thought given to what one really needs to spend, or should

[akdiver 3]

Mine usually travels with $ 400-500 on her.

Well, to each their own, and I realize that this is just my opinion - but walking around with that kind of cash in your pocket for no particular reason is just foolish. Robbery, loss, spree spending, you name it. It reminds me of the "natives" up here walking around with a pocket full of their free $100 bills (from their "native corp dividends").

AK, There are cash people and plastic people and I am a cash people.

I can respect that - even though I would never understand it (:

I mean... she will have credit cards of course.

Why multiple? I don't understand the "wallet full of credit cards thing". Why so many? It just leads to trouble, again, robbery, loss, spree spending....

In any case... I was thinking of ways to ensure she feels free and comfortable. Giving her about the same money per month/week she makes working back home until she can work here seemed like a logical start. This would allow her to live with the same financial freedoms she did back home. Am I terribly wrong in this thought?

Yes, satellite already covered the logic flaw here.

I spent a few weeks in Russia and I cannot imagine being there without cash. Why on earth would I expect my wife to be without cash? Again... am i wrong?

Well, wrong? I dunno. But I can't imagine the need to feel like one needs to always have a lot of cash on them. Or really much cash at all. But maybe I'm just slow (:

Max, are you figuring on her buying her clothes from that. If so it is about right, maybe still a little high. Frankly I think an allowance would help them to learn to budget their money and plastic teaches her what is wrong with amercian fincances.

I guess it is just a viewpoint issue. I prefer to have my wife to work me to help US budget OUR money. There is nothing wrong with plastic. It teaches one to be responsible and not go on crazy spending sprees, when used correctly.

For what it's worth, my wife doesn't get $800, $400, or even $100/month to just piss away (neither do I), but we do put $400/month each into a Roth IRA. For monthly spending, we both sit down every month, see what we spent, where we spent it, why, and how we can cut spending and save more, or at a minimum, target our spending into the most useful categories of spending. If anyone is really interested, I can send some blank spreadsheet templates to help with family budgeting.

[Satellite 1]

Frankly I think an allowance would help them to learn to budget their money and plastic teaches her what is wrong with American finances.

I am a little confused. Aren't we talking about adult women here and not children? How in the world did our ladies live in Russia without budgeting? Is there some kind of assumption that women there spend like crazy? From my understanding all the crazy spending starts in America because the ladies get access to more cash and worst of "unearned" / "easy" money without ever considering how hard it is to earn it. They very well know the value money in Russia.

There is nothing wrong with plastic. It teaches one to be responsible and not go on crazy spending sprees, when used correctly.

In Russia almost no one has "credit" cards. At best they have secured credit cards. And few places where average Russians shop, i.e. the bazaar takes credit cards. So if anything, Russian ladies should be much better of with cash then plastic, which doesn't allow you to really see how much you are spending until you see the online report or worse of a written statement a month later.

But for other practical US reasons like building up credit and earning awards on purchases you would make anyway, the credit card is the superior method of payment. Unless you prefer your privacy in terms of your spending habits.

[russ 1]

I may regret saying this, but I will anyway. Galina can spend the last penny she has on clothes and makeup. She did so in Russia too. It is not only her - many women buy things to feel better about themselves. Since she never plans on working, limits on spending are somewhat appropriate in our case.

A past girlfriend of mine spent about $30,000 on shoes in one year. Most of them she never wore, even once. She just felt good buying them. As a man, this was hard for me to understand. (She could afford them, but still...)

Don't get me wrong here - men can be just as at bad managing money. What things are worth, and what you can afford are different for everyone.

Americans are accustomed to what things truly cost here. It takes time to understand how much you can afford. If you don't work, it can be hard to comprehend how much things really cost. We still fight about "If you can borrow money to get this for me, why can't I have it?"

Money ruins many marriages.

I am a little confused. Aren't we talking about adult women here and not children?

[Voyageur27 0]

Russ,

My FSU wife also spends more than I had expected before we were married on make-up, clothes and other personal items. But she is very aware of our budget and works well within it, searching the internet for the cheapest way to get the items she wants. I agree with the approach that our accounts are common - i.e. no allowance - because she is responsible in her purchases and in staying in our limits. Sometimes it has been tough, honestly. But knowing every aspect of household finances and expenses give her an appreciation for the cost of living - and life - in the US that merely having an allowance would not give her, in my opinion.

She spends more money on herself than I do, but she also explains to me that we are not equal in this, that she is a woman and needs to take care of her looking. I have to agree with her, she has always lived her life this way and who am I to try and change it.

But - to get back to the core topic at hand for this thread - sometimes - especially early in the relationship, when someone first comes to the US from the FSU, they do not adequately understand the cost of living differences between te FSU and the US. Learning what it costs for heating, electricity, gasoline and groceries is a big learning experience and telephone calls to the FSU are also one of the sobering items that FSU women must come to terms with. Using the LD Post telphone services has saved us allot of money.

I hope that things have calmed down between Mark and Olga. But it is disturbing, frankly, how Olga was willing to cite the Violence Against Women Act and cut herself for evidence. I am sure that the "expert" in this area, Maxx - the man TurboGuy mentioned upthread - would advise - run Mark, Run !

[JamesT 12]

I may regret saying this, but I will anyway. Galina can spend the last penny she has on clothes and makeup. She did so in Russia too. It is not only her - many women buy things to feel better about themselves. Since she never plans on working, limits on spending are somewhat appropriate in our case.

A past girlfriend of mine spent about $30,000 on shoes in one year. Most of them she never wore, even once. She just felt good buying them. As a man, this was hard for me to understand. (She could afford them, but still...)

Don't get me wrong here - men can be just as at bad managing money. What things are worth, and what you can afford are different for everyone.

Americans are accustomed to what things truly cost here. It takes time to understand how much you can afford. If you don't work, it can be hard to comprehend how much things really cost. We still fight about "If you can borrow money to get this for me, why can't I have it?"

Money ruins many marriages.

Russ, I've gotta say I envy you because the way you talk on here you must be a multi-millionaire! Either that or you have a tree in your back yard that literally grows money. You've had girlfriends that spend more on shoes in a year then many guys entire salary for a year! You mentioned spending more on entertainment for one day then I (and probably many others) would spend in an entire year! I hope poor chaps like me can still manage to keep a Russian wife happy too.