Violence Against Women Act and me

[Marc and Olga 0]

So after Olga arrived, everything was fine, things went well until I learned she was spending many HOURS on the telephone to Russia, which we cannot afford at this time and I tried to explain it to her but she either didn't understand or didn't WANT to understand.

She spent close to $300 in her first 2 months here in the USA, couple that with $127 in Text Messages to and from Russia and the next cell phone bill is looking like it will be much higher.

We have been living on the edge since we returned from Disneyland and I have been trying to get us caught up so I tried to limit her usage on both the international calls and the international text messages and when I learned she could not limit herself...I lost all trust I had in her and without trust there is not relationship...

Back up a sec, on April 1, after she agreed to spend ONLY 2 hours a week to Russia as that was all we could afford, I learned she used 8 hours in 2 weeks and removed the vonage adapter. When she came home and discovered this she proceeded to threaten to claim I sexually abused her, thus abusing the Violence against Women Act to secure her stay in the USA.

There were other signs that this may have been fraud on her part but I will not discuss those here, those that know me, have heard the WHOLE story...

Now back to tonight, I finally decided I was through with the headaches, through with the stress of our financial situation, through with our marriage and again she threatened to abuse the Violence Against Women Act, then she cut her self...intentionally and insisted I drive her to the hospital where I waited 2 hours to see what would happen, I eventually decided that I was through waiting there and came home, to write this.

Those that know me, know these are false claims...I would never hurt or abuse anyone but V.A.W.A. is written so that no one cares about the accused...at least as I understand.

All I have to say is this once wonderful turned horror story of a chapter is close to being finished!

Peace

[Neonred 3,614]

Too bad you didn't learn about internetcalls.com Three months of unlimited calling to Russia (land lines) for about $13 total. My wife is calling to her daughter and friends almost every day.

But I guess there is much more to your relationship problems than phone bills....

[Turboguy 6]

But I guess there is much more to your relationship problems than phone bills....

That is not what he said in his post. He said "Everything was fine until he got the phone bill." She was allowed 2 hours a week and used it 8 hours in two weeks which works out to 4 hours a week, twice what she was allowed. She was spending $ 150.0 a month on the phone and was allowed $ 75 so this relationship went to pot over $ 75.00 a month. One gal I know spent $ 800.00 on linens her first day here and they are still married after 2 years (and $ 7,000 for teeth,+ new car + 4 trips home + new lots of other things. ) That husband doesn't have a lot of money either. I am sure there are now other issues in the relationship but I have a feeling they all stem from the phone issue.

Not meaning to be too cynical but it sounds to me like you were not financially ready to do this in the first place. There are courts that could hold that taking the vonage adapter and preventing her from contacting her support group at home could contitute mental abuse.

I know you came here looking for sympathy and support but I think I am on her side unless I hear more reasons why you deserve it. Sorry, I know that is not what you wanted to hear.

[slim 1,530]

Marc,

I'm sorry to hear about this. I know Elena and Olga talk often, and from what I could make out, everything was going OK. Elena never said anything to me that would indicate Olga was unhappy like that. Wow. I'll talk to Elena today about it and see if there is a little more info that maybe I can share with you that the ladies aren't sharing with us.

In the mean time, what you should do is go to the local police station and make a written statement of the incident. There are no charges to file, finger-pointings, etc., but what this does is covers your @$$ in the event that she would try to use the VAWA against you. Your side of the story is on paper, witnessed by a cop, and corroborated by the records at the hospital. That absolves you of all wrong-doing should it come down to nasty-business in court.

Also, if you feel that she's going to hurt herself (or you) any further, contact your local mental health agency to have her placed in protective custody. If she's at the hospital already, they'll be able to get her help there, or the police will also be able to place her somewhere that will be able to care for her and prevent her from hurting herself or you. If that's a little too much, maybe you should consider staying at a hotel or with a friend for a few days until it's kind of "cooled down."

I don't know the whole story here, but I understand, when there's no money... there's no money. If she can't get that and is going to hurt herself because you "stopped her phone calls" then there's a bigger issue here than just the phone. If she's threatening legal action against you and setting you up for legal troubles, you definitely have more at stake than just saddening your new wife. You need to cover your @$$ first, then worry about "making up" later. If you think you have money trouble now, add a few lawyer fees and court dates to that. Not to mention paying for her side too while she fights you on the whole issue.

Man, I hope this is just a simple "I'm homesick and bored, I need something to do and more attention" thing. (I'm pretty familiar with that, here.) But the cutting and threatening takes it to a whole new level. This is a serious issue, and as you noted, you're already being set up to get hosed, so take action. NOW! CYA!

[Jasman0717 9]

I was saddened when I read your post. I guess I am a romantic and a dreamer and just don't understand how people can treat each other like this. She is making serious charges that will follow you for the rest of your life so I pray that you can reach a reasonable solution to these threats.

The phone call issues put a smile on my face. When Claudeth first arrived she started calling her family in the Philippines all the time and also her Aunt in Germany. Well, to say the least, I was shocked when I got my phone bill for $2500 for the month and the next month it was over $1000. I have since restricted the landline at the house and she uses phone cards or Yahoo messenger to talk to her family now.

[1HappyGuy 45]

This goes way beyond the restriction of phone use. It she was already starting to threaten him with claiming sexual abuse and then she went so far as to cut herself to bolster a false claim of abuse, then she is sick and in need of psychological help.

My advice is to contact an attorney quickly and get good friends that are familiar with your situation to document their knowledge. If this relationship can't be salvaged, then get her on a plane out of this country now. If she is not willing to restrict her telephone calls to a reasonable amount then she obviously is thinking something else about you.

Protect yourself.

[MaxxumUSA 0]

Too bad you didn't learn about internetcalls.com Three months of unlimited calling to Russia (land lines) for about $13 total. My wife is calling to her daughter and friends almost every day.

But I guess there is much more to your relationship problems than phone bills....

I use skype for outgoing calls and sms to russia. It is much more affordable than phone company.

you can see at skype.com

I agree with T/G... It is just not right in my opinion to stop someone from the freedom of communication. Especially after bringing her to this country.

Having said that... I would like to comment a bit more. This relationship seems strange.

Like T/G said... if you're worried about $75.00 a month... or even a few hundred... then you are probably under capitalized on the whole international marriage deal. I mean when your woman comes to this country she has no source of income. You should at least have a reasonable amount of spending money to give her. If she is like many women from Russia she will need that money to help her support family and at a minimum be able to buy herself things needed.

I plan on giving my woman about $200.00 -$300.00 a week spending money. More if she needs it or wants a major item. Probably a couple thousand extra during the first few weeks so she can purchase items to help in her transition.

BUT... In line with what Slim stated... regardless of whether this is a RW or AW you have a huge problem if she is really cutting herself. First I would be concerned about hers and yours safety. This is unacceptable. Second you are on the verge of facing serious charges if she is taken seriously by police and hospital. Unfortunately for you if she is really cutting herself, she WILL be taken seriously.

I think you need to make a quick decision to not be around this woman without an escort at all if this is the case. I would even go so far as ask the police be present while you get your things and find a hotel room until she can leave the country.

I looked at your timeline and noticed something odd:

Visa Received : 2006-10-17

US Entry : 2007-02-12

Why did it take 4 months before she came to you here? This smells like something is not kosher. I know once my Fiancee gets her visa she will want to fly within a few days to her new home.

Was it her that delayed her entry for some reason?

Or was it because of your financial situation and you needed to wait for an airline ticket?

This whole story sounds odd.

[russ 1]

I would tend to agree. We spend about 3 cents/minute our phones to Russian, something 10 cents to mobile phones.

Too bad you didn't learn about internetcalls.com Three months of unlimited calling to Russia (land lines) for about $13 total. My wife is calling to her daughter and friends almost every day.

But I guess there is much more to your relationship problems than phone bills....

[akdiver 3]

Well, there is a lot going on here besides phone bill stuff. But you know, for what it is worth, you can have a home phone without long distance service. This way, it is impossible to run up such phone bills without a credit card, or some other measure.

As for another poster's comment - $200-$300/week spending money? Christ, I don't even get that kind of spening money, and I make a shitload. I don't think most people are in that kind of situation, where they can absorb blowing that kind of cash. I don't think "not being financially ready" is a valid argument. People live like they live, and I don't know ANYONE running up those kind of phone and text messaging bills, no matter how much they make. There is something called trust and responsibility and understanding. In this case, the topic was discussed, an understanding was made, and actions did not follow. That's a problem.

I think leaving the hospital was a bad move. You should have stayed there to protect your own interests, if nothing else (i.e. find out what she says to the doctor).

If you are not married yet, you need to remove her from your house. She has no right to stay there, put her in a hotel room until you can send her home. If you ARE married, then you are rather phucked. You can go for an annulment, but you will have to have good evidence of marriage fraud. I doubt that you can make that case. You can offer her cash to divorce. Just say something like "look honey, this isn't working out, let's just end it now. Quick divorce and you get $5000 and a ticket home." Even if you have to take out cash advance on a credit card, it will save you money in the long run. Go up to $10K if you have to. If you have a drawn-out divorce, you can lose a lot more money, end up with a DV charge and/or conviction, and other nasty stuff.

Good luck man!

AKDiver

[Chuckles 0]

Obviously we do not know everything. Sorry to hear about this Marc. It is hard to comment without knowing what else is going on. Just take care and I hope it somehow works out in the end.

[Turboguy 6]

If they are not married filing a domestic abuse charge won't help her. She will have to go back.

There is a guy named Maxx who has been through it all and works with people all over the country dealing with situations like this. He is as expert as you can get. He is active on several forums. I have seen him lately on www.ruadventures.com. Go there and PM him and he can help you. This isn't anything you pay for he just has been through so much and tries to help others.

Edited May 9, 2007 by Turboguy

[MaxxumUSA 0]

As for another poster's comment - $200-$300/week spending money? Christ, I don't even get that kind of spening money, and I make a shitload. I don't think most people are in that kind of situation, where they can absorb blowing that kind of cash. I don't think "not being financially ready" is a valid argument. People live like they live, and I don't know ANYONE running up those kind of phone and text messaging bills, no matter how much they make. There is something called trust and responsibility and understanding. In this case, the topic was discussed, an understanding was made, and actions did not follow. That's a problem.

AKDiver

AK... What do you consider a shitload of money? Ah... nevermind. I think $200 a week is fine. After all I plan on charging her rent, food, and of course she will need to pay me for sex. This will cut into her allowance but will keep her fed until she can get her green card and get a job to support me and my son.

(That was a joke)

But seriously... I don't think it unreasonable for a household to set aside some spending money for a new wife coming from overseas. And... maybe it would only be $100.00 a month in some households but it MUST be something.

With my income the $200 weekly feels ok for me. For others it might be less or more.

When I first started communicating to russia I ran up some large phone bills. So what. Pay them and move on.

People place way too much importance on money I think.

[Turboguy 6]

My fiancee and I have already discussed this and we both want for her to have an allowance. She does not like the idea of having to ask for money. We haven't set the amount yet but I think it is a good thing to do. Since I will be with her most of the time when she is out, at least for a while, she probably won't need a lot but I too want her to feel comfortable and not dependent.

[Satellite 1]

Too bad you didn't learn about internetcalls.com Three months of unlimited calling to Russia (land lines) for about $13 total. My wife is calling to her daughter and friends almost every day.

There are two obvious limits here, (1) only 300 minutes a week which will only cover 5 hours, and this lady is way over that, (2) Those free days end, and the rate page doesn't even disclose when!

http://internetcalls.com/en/rates.html

But overall I agree, we use http://www.voipcheap.com/ which is very similar.

If this relationship can't be salvaged, then get her on a plane out of this country now.

How do you just put someone on a plane? Is this lady some kind of property you can mail or get rid off because she is foreign? Last time I checked, you can't just physically remove someone from the US, only ICE can do that. All you can do is ask her to leave and provide the resources for her to voluntary depart.

you are probably under capitalized on the whole international marriage deal. I mean when your woman comes to this country she has no source of income. You should at least have a reasonable amount of spending money to give her. If she is like many women from Russia she will need that money to help her support family and at a minimum be able to buy herself things needed.

What ever happened to both spouses working to support the family unit? No one is supposed to give you anything. An allowance or spousal support comes after divorce and not during marriage. If she was going to sue him for "not supporting her" based on their marital contract, she would lose, there is an old 1950's case on this. (Forgot name, cite). This lady can't claim she is not supported when she is deprived of phone calls. And if she is under supported, she can use social services which in theory will get reimbursed through her I-864 sponsor.

Also, what is this stuff about remittances. You married her, not the family. Since when is the Russian lady entitled to send money home from the FAMILY budget? If she can do that, then can the US spouse do the same and support his parents with equal amounts?

In the end I believe all of this has to be worked out and compromises made. If not, toss in the towel and get a divorce.

[akdiver 3]

AK... What do you consider a shitload of money?

Well, in my case, my current contract pays $100K/year, before taxes (add another $30K/year for my wife). But by the time you figure in taxes, funding retirement, paying tuition, paying student loans, paying car payments, paying other bills, paying mortgage, paying medical bills, and so forth, the amount of "disposable" income really isn't that much. Even between the two of us, we do not have anywhere near $800/month to piss away on shoes, clothes, or whatever else we feel like. Even the car payments are new, and a big deal to us. I had been buying the same crappy car for 13 years and it just had to go. We bought the one car to replace, and only bought the second car because it was only $8000 brand new. At that price, it's almost disposable. (:

I think $200 a week is fine.

At $800/month, that is more than the combined payments for our 2007 Jeep and 2007 Aveo5. That's $800/month PISSED AWAY ON NOTHING, every single month. Christ. That's almost enough to completely fund 2 Roth IRAs for the entire year. That's enough to take a really nice trip (or even two really nice trips) every year. Even if you have that kind of money to piss away every month on buying "stuff", it doesn't make it any less foolish. Frankly, I wouldn't be interested in someone who was that much into consumerism. But that's me - hey, I know different people have different priorities. That's OK. I'm just saying that to me, it seems pretty foolish. Saving instead of spending it could chop 5 years or more off your working life, and lead to early retirement.

But seriously... I don't think it unreasonable for a household to set aside some spending money for a new wife coming from overseas. And... maybe it would only be $100.00 a month in some households but it MUST be something.

Sure, this I agree with. Everyone needs "fun money". Money they can spend on whatever. My point was that $800/month seems completely excessive to me. Hell, my mortgage is only $1150/month. With $800/month excess cash sitting around, you would do a lot better to invest it, rather than just spend it. Think about the future! Think about hard times. Hard times can it everyone. Sometimes we cruise around the crappy, poor, drug-infested neighborhoods just to remind us how lucky we are, and think, "given any big problem - job loss, medical issue, or whatever, this could be us". It's a good reminder to save that extra $100/month rather than pissing it away. I'm not saying to never go out and have some fun, and even burn through some money once in a while - lord knows we do. But $800/month in "whatever" for 1 person seems excessive - to me. But that's just me. More power to you (:

People place way too much importance on money I think.

Nah. People place way too much importance on the ###### you can BUY with money.

I prefer to think of money as the ability to buy freedom. The sooner you have enough of it saved up, the sooner you get your freedom. (:

Cheers!

AKDiver