Confused

[little immigrant 801]

Would you consider a trial separation? 

[Stillbelieving 6]

I feel like a trial separation would be the beginning of the end. Besides, we had enough "separation" all those times I had to travel back to the States without him. Im just so confused. 

[Ebunoluwa 6,136]

You have enabled him to avoid responsibility and be accountable by begging him to talk to you when he plays the silent game, by apologizing even though you did nothing wrong. Why should he change if you enable his spoiled behavior ? Stop begging and catering to him and stand up for

yourself. People will treat you bad if you allow them to and that includes your husband. Draw safe emotional boundaries and if he doesn't respect that boundary then it may be time to tell him you are considering divorce if he doesn't want to be transparent. 

A couple is supposed to know how much the other earns, that's basic !

You need to change your boundaries first and stop appeasing him before you can expect change from him. The way you are acting tells him you are needy and will accept his behavior.

Be a strong woman who lets him know that you will not put up with this. Get counseling for yourself to learn how because right now you are an enabler and too dependent on keeping the appearance of peace, it's not really peace, it's eating you up inside.

He is a manipulator and a game player and doesn't understand the meaning of "us" only of "self".

 

[Stillbelieving 6]

I completely agree. Thank you. 

[success 3]

On 12 June 2018 at 10:09 PM, Stillbelieving said:

Hi guys, so I wanted to talk to someone about my relationship but its hard to talk to friends or family because its embarrassing and besides, they wouldn't understand at all.  Ok, so I am a US Citizen.  My husband is Nigerian.  We were together for 4 years , living together abroad before we got married and filed the paperwork to come back to US. It took about another 2 years to be granted the visa and we've been home in the US for almost 3 years. So all and all we've been together for 9 years. When we were living abroad he was great, the relationship was great. He did a lot of things to make me smile and I was really happy being with him. When I would come home to the US for a visit every 6 months or so...Id stay home here for like a month or 2 and then go right back but during those separation times, there were a lot of "unanswered" phone calls, phone switched off, etc. When I would question it, it always led to a fight and he'd end up making me feel guilty for accusing him of something. Then I'd return back abroad and everything would be perfect again. I should mention that he we were NOT living in Nigeria. It was another country in West Africa. He had been living there for about a year before I met him. Anyhow...we did everything together there. Im sure it was easier to do that then because we were not really working so everyday was an adventure together. It just seemed like our relationship was totally transparent though.  So fast forward to us getting ready to leave West Africa and come to the States, I remember several times asking him if anything would change with us once we were here. Of course he said no it wouldn't. I had asked him about many hypothetical situations and asked if he would ever do those things to me, and of course he said Never! So we get here...he was granted GC instantly because we were married over 2 years.  SO as soon as he was here he was eligible to work, etc. We stayed at my sisters house with her husband, 2 teenage boys and my elderly mother. Its a big house with a swimming pool and big finished basement that was all ours. We were going to stay there until we could get on our feet.  We were there for 3 months, a relative of mine passed away and I had gotten a small inheritance so we used that to rent a place, fully furnish it, buy cheap cars. etc. We were both working at that point and for the first 6 months of being in the US things were really good. He was adjusting well, had all the things a regular USC has;  job, car, bank account, nice home, etc. My sister succumbed to her cancer within those 6 months.  She was the main caretaker for my mom since my mom lived in her house with her.  My mom is not fully mobile so my sister would take her to all her appointments, shopping, etc. My mom now lived in the house but with my deceased sisters husband and her 2 grandkids. Needless to say she leaned on me now so much more. I expected my husband to also help, as in, come with me to take her out sometimes, take her out to dinners, etc. But he does nothing. My mom adores him ..she always has nice things to say to him, she gives him gifts on holidays and his birthday, even fathers day despite him not being a father.  But he always tells me that's not his family. Whenever we are invited to someone's birthday or for a holiday get together he wont go...so I go alone and make excuses as to why he couldn't come. Im tired of making excuses so now I dont go either and my family thinks I just dont care about them anymore. I just dont get it. I wonder if he resents not being near his own mom and family and is that why he's taking it out on my mine?  I WISH his mom and family treated me the way my mine treats him, but that's a whole other topic. Anyhow..aside from that issue....Ive noticed so many changes in him ...drastically getting worse over the last year.  Our joint bank account has now become my account because he has opened several of his own accounts that I only found out about by accident. So all his money goes into them instead of the joint one. He left his job over a year ago and has been driving Uber and Lyft ever since, so I really dont know how much he makes exactly.  We both pay our equal share of bills but he never offers to help me out on anything or he never buys me anything..nothing. Which is fine I guess, im just not used to being in a relationship that the man is not asking if I needed help with any of my own bills (like my car payment) or like he will order a bunch of things online for himself and not even order me a pair of socks.  Am I crazy or does that seem weird? I mean, when I was the one being able to go back and forth to the states, I would leave Africa with 1 suitcase and return with 3 or 4 filled with things for him or things we needed in the house abroad. There is no transparency in the relationship anymore. I cant look at his computer, I cant look at his phone..nothing.  Do I think he's cheating? no. I really dont. Unless Im being a total fool...I really dont. But is he talking to someone maybe in NIgeria or even here? That's a definite possibility because when he's home he's on his phone the whole time. And this is where it gets really weird too......Ok, so it seemed to have started when the presidential debates were going on...he became FIXATED on them, mocking Trump and being outraged over the things he said and did. Okay, yeah he's an ### but im not obsessed with watching him! I couldn't wait til it was over so that he would get off the obsession with watching the debates. Well, as we all know Trump was elected president and now my husband is fixated on CNN from the time he gets home until bedtime. Only time he watches something different is when soccer is on or sometimes basketball.  He literally will come home, put on CNN and listen to this Donald Trump ####### over and over and over....ALL THE WHILE...he's got his face in his phone watching MORE stories, like clips from the VIEW etc about Donald Trump.  And when he's not fixated on DT stories, he's fixated on anything that has to do with racism. you know how on FB your timeline shows things that you're interested in and the more you click on them, the more similar stories show? like mine is full of recipes, travel etc.  His are all DT and racist this or racist that. We live in a BIG City on the East Coast and let me tell you...we are so blended here.  He has NEVER once been personally discriminated against or called any names or anything like that while he was here...YET anytime he can, he blames his race on it. For example guys...the first time he went to take the drivers test he ran a stop sign. Like flat out ran the stop sign. The guy failed him. ...the WHITE guy failed him. So what does he do? Take responsibility? oh no...not my husband.  My husband walked back into the room where I was sitting...the only white person in a room of all other races btw...…...and says loud and proud "I F***n HATE WHITE PEOPLE"  I got up, upset and walked outside and he did nothing. Stayed in there and waited til they gave him a new appointment, which I will point out was another test a week later by a "white" instructor and thank god he passed that one. Til this day I will tell him how much that embarrassed and hurt me and he boldly states that he meant it and he's glad he said it. I will say, well you know Im WHITE right? And his reply will be, so what does that have to do with what I said? omg!! I talk to him all the time about starting a business here. He goes along with it saying, yeah if I have something in mind, tell him.  Meanwhile, I accidentally found out (a form he left in my scanner) that he has opened a bank account in Nigeria. And the account had a Nigerian number on it as his phone number. I confronted  him about it. He yelled like he always does when confronted about things...like he basically intimidates me into not talking about it. But I pressed the issue and he said YES I opened one there and he can do whatever he wants. I asked him whose number that is and he told me its his. I was like what? He got louder and called me names, told me get a life. ..u know ...the usual and then I stopped asking him anything. This is EXACTLY what he does when I confront him about ANYTHING. He yells, calls me names, says "im a grown man, I dont need your permission to do anything..i do anything I want and as long as im not doing anything wrong, that's all I should have to know".  And then he will be SO FURIOUS with me for asking whatever it is im asking about...so I go to the room, cry and he gives me the silent treatment for DAYS on end. I mean DAYS...I cant talk to him, cant call him when he's out driving Uber, he sleeps downstairs on couch etc.  So I get so tired of the silent treatment that I forget about the whole issue that I have confronted him about and I start begging him to talk to me. Begging over and over and then even APPOLOGIZING TO HIM!! like im the one who did something wrong. So then when he finally goes back to talking to me, I dont dare bring up the subject that started the fight in the first place because I dont want the silent treatment again...so then it gets swept under the rug. And this has happned at least once a week for the last year to year and a half. Am I crazy or is this total wrong!!??  Ive never once told him I dont want to be with him but im starting to feel like this is never going to get better, its actually only getting worse. So I found out that the bank account he opned was because he has a facebook "page" that he started that he's basically listing things for sale like cars, electronics, etc and trying to sell them over there. I guess then he would put that money in an account over there. But like how is that right when 1. he never even told me about it. I only found out about the facebook page bc I asked him about the bank acouunt stuf, that I only found out by accident. not like he told me about it. and doesn't this all seem like he's building a life for HIMSELF and not the two of us as a married couple? Idk guys, im trying to think im overreacting but I just dont think this is normal and its CERTAINLY not how he was when we were living abroad. All our talks about dreams and life goals were about the two of us doing things together, and now its just like we are roomates and im not supposed to ask him about anything he is doing because it doesn't involve me. Oh, and the number he has, I looked at the front screen of his phone the other day to hand it to him and on the ffront screen I saw wassup and something called HUSH. I look up HUSH and it says its a site to have a secret second line on your phone. smh. I just dont know ...he says its to get the Nigerian number for the bank. I dont even know if that's possible or if that's the reason, but jeez...how much more is he hiding??   Im sorry for the long drawn out saga..i just really dont know who to talk to about any of this and im really hoping for some insight or feedback.  Thanks to all who took the time to read this. 

Marriage is for eternity . The greatest responsibility of a man is to be honest and transparent to the wife . Why should the husband start investing in Nigeria without informing the wife . ... Does he have a secret lover in Nigeria ? That is a question to answer . Why should he pretend to be angry when you bring up an issue which requires the couples to discuss .  ... He might be having some friends back in Nigeria or in the states advising him in a negative way . Big shame to those Nigerians who are always painting the whole African continent in a negative way . The good Nigerians don't do such things . One questions we should ask ourselves is that will the Nigerian woman marry you if you were poor with no future . They are also taking advantage of you . We need to look smart . Never treat a woman like thrash after all the sacrifices they have done for you . 

[Sekemi 0]

On 12/06/2018 at 11:09 PM, Stillbelieving said:

Hi guys, so I wanted to talk to someone about my relationship but its hard to talk to friends or family because its embarrassing and besides, they wouldn't understand at all.  Ok, so I am a US Citizen.  My husband is Nigerian.  We were together for 4 years , living together abroad before we got married and filed the paperwork to come back to US. It took about another 2 years to be granted the visa and we've been home in the US for almost 3 years. So all and all we've been together for 9 years. When we were living abroad he was great, the relationship was great. He did a lot of things to make me smile and I was really happy being with him. When I would come home to the US for a visit every 6 months or so...Id stay home here for like a month or 2 and then go right back but during those separation times, there were a lot of "unanswered" phone calls, phone switched off, etc. When I would question it, it always led to a fight and he'd end up making me feel guilty for accusing him of something. Then I'd return back abroad and everything would be perfect again. I should mention that he we were NOT living in Nigeria. It was another country in West Africa. He had been living there for about a year before I met him. Anyhow...we did everything together there. Im sure it was easier to do that then because we were not really working so everyday was an adventure together. It just seemed like our relationship was totally transparent though.  So fast forward to us getting ready to leave West Africa and come to the States, I remember several times asking him if anything would change with us once we were here. Of course he said no it wouldn't. I had asked him about many hypothetical situations and asked if he would ever do those things to me, and of course he said Never! So we get here...he was granted GC instantly because we were married over 2 years.  SO as soon as he was here he was eligible to work, etc. We stayed at my sisters house with her husband, 2 teenage boys and my elderly mother. Its a big house with a swimming pool and big finished basement that was all ours. We were going to stay there until we could get on our feet.  We were there for 3 months, a relative of mine passed away and I had gotten a small inheritance so we used that to rent a place, fully furnish it, buy cheap cars. etc. We were both working at that point and for the first 6 months of being in the US things were really good. He was adjusting well, had all the things a regular USC has;  job, car, bank account, nice home, etc. My sister succumbed to her cancer within those 6 months.  She was the main caretaker for my mom since my mom lived in her house with her.  My mom is not fully mobile so my sister would take her to all her appointments, shopping, etc. My mom now lived in the house but with my deceased sisters husband and her 2 grandkids. Needless to say she leaned on me now so much more. I expected my husband to also help, as in, come with me to take her out sometimes, take her out to dinners, etc. But he does nothing. My mom adores him ..she always has nice things to say to him, she gives him gifts on holidays and his birthday, even fathers day despite him not being a father.  But he always tells me that's not his family. Whenever we are invited to someone's birthday or for a holiday get together he wont go...so I go alone and make excuses as to why he couldn't come. Im tired of making excuses so now I dont go either and my family thinks I just dont care about them anymore. I just dont get it. I wonder if he resents not being near his own mom and family and is that why he's taking it out on my mine?  I WISH his mom and family treated me the way my mine treats him, but that's a whole other topic. Anyhow..aside from that issue....Ive noticed so many changes in him ...drastically getting worse over the last year.  Our joint bank account has now become my account because he has opened several of his own accounts that I only found out about by accident. So all his money goes into them instead of the joint one. He left his job over a year ago and has been driving Uber and Lyft ever since, so I really dont know how much he makes exactly.  We both pay our equal share of bills but he never offers to help me out on anything or he never buys me anything..nothing. Which is fine I guess, im just not used to being in a relationship that the man is not asking if I needed help with any of my own bills (like my car payment) or like he will order a bunch of things online for himself and not even order me a pair of socks.  Am I crazy or does that seem weird? I mean, when I was the one being able to go back and forth to the states, I would leave Africa with 1 suitcase and return with 3 or 4 filled with things for him or things we needed in the house abroad. There is no transparency in the relationship anymore. I cant look at his computer, I cant look at his phone..nothing.  Do I think he's cheating? no. I really dont. Unless Im being a total fool...I really dont. But is he talking to someone maybe in NIgeria or even here? That's a definite possibility because when he's home he's on his phone the whole time. And this is where it gets really weird too......Ok, so it seemed to have started when the presidential debates were going on...he became FIXATED on them, mocking Trump and being outraged over the things he said and did. Okay, yeah he's an ### but im not obsessed with watching him! I couldn't wait til it was over so that he would get off the obsession with watching the debates. Well, as we all know Trump was elected president and now my husband is fixated on CNN from the time he gets home until bedtime. Only time he watches something different is when soccer is on or sometimes basketball.  He literally will come home, put on CNN and listen to this Donald Trump ####### over and over and over....ALL THE WHILE...he's got his face in his phone watching MORE stories, like clips from the VIEW etc about Donald Trump.  And when he's not fixated on DT stories, he's fixated on anything that has to do with racism. you know how on FB your timeline shows things that you're interested in and the more you click on them, the more similar stories show? like mine is full of recipes, travel etc.  His are all DT and racist this or racist that. We live in a BIG City on the East Coast and let me tell you...we are so blended here.  He has NEVER once been personally discriminated against or called any names or anything like that while he was here...YET anytime he can, he blames his race on it. For example guys...the first time he went to take the drivers test he ran a stop sign. Like flat out ran the stop sign. The guy failed him. ...the WHITE guy failed him. So what does he do? Take responsibility? oh no...not my husband.  My husband walked back into the room where I was sitting...the only white person in a room of all other races btw...…...and says loud and proud "I F***n HATE WHITE PEOPLE"  I got up, upset and walked outside and he did nothing. Stayed in there and waited til they gave him a new appointment, which I will point out was another test a week later by a "white" instructor and thank god he passed that one. Til this day I will tell him how much that embarrassed and hurt me and he boldly states that he meant it and he's glad he said it. I will say, well you know Im WHITE right? And his reply will be, so what does that have to do with what I said? omg!! I talk to him all the time about starting a business here. He goes along with it saying, yeah if I have something in mind, tell him.  Meanwhile, I accidentally found out (a form he left in my scanner) that he has opened a bank account in Nigeria. And the account had a Nigerian number on it as his phone number. I confronted  him about it. He yelled like he always does when confronted about things...like he basically intimidates me into not talking about it. But I pressed the issue and he said YES I opened one there and he can do whatever he wants. I asked him whose number that is and he told me its his. I was like what? He got louder and called me names, told me get a life. ..u know ...the usual and then I stopped asking him anything. This is EXACTLY what he does when I confront him about ANYTHING. He yells, calls me names, says "im a grown man, I dont need your permission to do anything..i do anything I want and as long as im not doing anything wrong, that's all I should have to know".  And then he will be SO FURIOUS with me for asking whatever it is im asking about...so I go to the room, cry and he gives me the silent treatment for DAYS on end. I mean DAYS...I cant talk to him, cant call him when he's out driving Uber, he sleeps downstairs on couch etc.  So I get so tired of the silent treatment that I forget about the whole issue that I have confronted him about and I start begging him to talk to me. Begging over and over and then even APPOLOGIZING TO HIM!! like im the one who did something wrong. So then when he finally goes back to talking to me, I dont dare bring up the subject that started the fight in the first place because I dont want the silent treatment again...so then it gets swept under the rug. And this has happned at least once a week for the last year to year and a half. Am I crazy or is this total wrong!!??  Ive never once told him I dont want to be with him but im starting to feel like this is never going to get better, its actually only getting worse. So I found out that the bank account he opned was because he has a facebook "page" that he started that he's basically listing things for sale like cars, electronics, etc and trying to sell them over there. I guess then he would put that money in an account over there. But like how is that right when 1. he never even told me about it. I only found out about the facebook page bc I asked him about the bank acouunt stuf, that I only found out by accident. not like he told me about it. and doesn't this all seem like he's building a life for HIMSELF and not the two of us as a married couple? Idk guys, im trying to think im overreacting but I just dont think this is normal and its CERTAINLY not how he was when we were living abroad. All our talks about dreams and life goals were about the two of us doing things together, and now its just like we are roomates and im not supposed to ask him about anything he is doing because it doesn't involve me. Oh, and the number he has, I looked at the front screen of his phone the other day to hand it to him and on the ffront screen I saw wassup and something called HUSH. I look up HUSH and it says its a site to have a secret second line on your phone. smh. I just dont know ...he says its to get the Nigerian number for the bank. I dont even know if that's possible or if that's the reason, but jeez...how much more is he hiding??   Im sorry for the long drawn out saga..i just really dont know who to talk to about any of this and im really hoping for some insight or feedback.  Thanks to all who took the time to read this. 

The first thing you have to realize is that your happiness comes first, no matter the amount of time and feelings you've invested in a relationship. Try as much as possible to be happy go see a therapist if that's what it takes, am guessing you are scared if you give him space he'll get what he wants but is it worth it fighting for someone that    doesn't want it, if he wants to stay he will come back to his senses,don't just be the nagging wife he wants to make you into.If it's going to workout it will and if not you'll be glad you didn't waste your time being unhappy.

[OvieDare 3]

My heart ❤️ hurts for you and I’m sorry For what you are experiencing. I’ve read some of the VJ members responses, and Some have given positive advice and encouragement. I would like to do the same. I agree there is something most definitely wrong with the situation and the amount of time invested in this marriage you need to find some ground of communication if possible to get to the bottom of it. I agree with other comments you need be strong and don’t let him manipulate or use you  as doormat or make you feel as if you are the one that needs apologizing! Marriage is a partnership. 

[djdance5 1]

Girl take it from someone who is first of all african( from Ghana) and engaged  to a man living   in Ghana  sweetie u have to bcareful!!!...I know  my African  people they willdo anything to get to America. They sweet talk u for YEARS soon as thier foot touches American soil the gig is all up!!!!!! Thats why i got a prenup with my fiancee. I love him dearly but i will NEVER TRUST HIM FULLY. Start saving ur money and planning to pick up the peices of ur life. U are focusing too much on him,  do things for urself,  the gym a new hair do ANYTHING!!!! i know how much money we give to our forigen partners and the stress of immigration.  But u come first. The bible  says  love ur neighbor as urself not more than urself. Believe me i understand, i also have given way too much, but i woke up. I decided to fall more in love with me than with him. And he knows  it. Stay strong sis and focus on u. I can never tell another to leave thier marriage,  but in the words of Rupaul  "IF YOU CANT LOVE URSELF HOW IN THE HELL ARE U GONNA LOVE SOMEBODY ELSE....CAN I GET AN AMEN?!!!!" i will be praying for sister.