Confused

[Stillbelieving 6]

Hi guys, so I wanted to talk to someone about my relationship but its hard to talk to friends or family because its embarrassing and besides, they wouldn't understand at all.  Ok, so I am a US Citizen.  My husband is Nigerian.  We were together for 4 years , living together abroad before we got married and filed the paperwork to come back to US. It took about another 2 years to be granted the visa and we've been home in the US for almost 3 years. So all and all we've been together for 9 years. When we were living abroad he was great, the relationship was great. He did a lot of things to make me smile and I was really happy being with him. When I would come home to the US for a visit every 6 months or so...Id stay home here for like a month or 2 and then go right back but during those separation times, there were a lot of "unanswered" phone calls, phone switched off, etc. When I would question it, it always led to a fight and he'd end up making me feel guilty for accusing him of something. Then I'd return back abroad and everything would be perfect again. I should mention that he we were NOT living in Nigeria. It was another country in West Africa. He had been living there for about a year before I met him. Anyhow...we did everything together there. Im sure it was easier to do that then because we were not really working so everyday was an adventure together. It just seemed like our relationship was totally transparent though.  So fast forward to us getting ready to leave West Africa and come to the States, I remember several times asking him if anything would change with us once we were here. Of course he said no it wouldn't. I had asked him about many hypothetical situations and asked if he would ever do those things to me, and of course he said Never! So we get here...he was granted GC instantly because we were married over 2 years.  SO as soon as he was here he was eligible to work, etc. We stayed at my sisters house with her husband, 2 teenage boys and my elderly mother. Its a big house with a swimming pool and big finished basement that was all ours. We were going to stay there until we could get on our feet.  We were there for 3 months, a relative of mine passed away and I had gotten a small inheritance so we used that to rent a place, fully furnish it, buy cheap cars. etc. We were both working at that point and for the first 6 months of being in the US things were really good. He was adjusting well, had all the things a regular USC has;  job, car, bank account, nice home, etc. My sister succumbed to her cancer within those 6 months.  She was the main caretaker for my mom since my mom lived in her house with her.  My mom is not fully mobile so my sister would take her to all her appointments, shopping, etc. My mom now lived in the house but with my deceased sisters husband and her 2 grandkids. Needless to say she leaned on me now so much more. I expected my husband to also help, as in, come with me to take her out sometimes, take her out to dinners, etc. But he does nothing. My mom adores him ..she always has nice things to say to him, she gives him gifts on holidays and his birthday, even fathers day despite him not being a father.  But he always tells me that's not his family. Whenever we are invited to someone's birthday or for a holiday get together he wont go...so I go alone and make excuses as to why he couldn't come. Im tired of making excuses so now I dont go either and my family thinks I just dont care about them anymore. I just dont get it. I wonder if he resents not being near his own mom and family and is that why he's taking it out on my mine?  I WISH his mom and family treated me the way my mine treats him, but that's a whole other topic. Anyhow..aside from that issue....Ive noticed so many changes in him ...drastically getting worse over the last year.  Our joint bank account has now become my account because he has opened several of his own accounts that I only found out about by accident. So all his money goes into them instead of the joint one. He left his job over a year ago and has been driving Uber and Lyft ever since, so I really dont know how much he makes exactly.  We both pay our equal share of bills but he never offers to help me out on anything or he never buys me anything..nothing. Which is fine I guess, im just not used to being in a relationship that the man is not asking if I needed help with any of my own bills (like my car payment) or like he will order a bunch of things online for himself and not even order me a pair of socks.  Am I crazy or does that seem weird? I mean, when I was the one being able to go back and forth to the states, I would leave Africa with 1 suitcase and return with 3 or 4 filled with things for him or things we needed in the house abroad. There is no transparency in the relationship anymore. I cant look at his computer, I cant look at his phone..nothing.  Do I think he's cheating? no. I really dont. Unless Im being a total fool...I really dont. But is he talking to someone maybe in NIgeria or even here? That's a definite possibility because when he's home he's on his phone the whole time. And this is where it gets really weird too......Ok, so it seemed to have started when the presidential debates were going on...he became FIXATED on them, mocking Trump and being outraged over the things he said and did. Okay, yeah he's an ### but im not obsessed with watching him! I couldn't wait til it was over so that he would get off the obsession with watching the debates. Well, as we all know Trump was elected president and now my husband is fixated on CNN from the time he gets home until bedtime. Only time he watches something different is when soccer is on or sometimes basketball.  He literally will come home, put on CNN and listen to this Donald Trump ####### over and over and over....ALL THE WHILE...he's got his face in his phone watching MORE stories, like clips from the VIEW etc about Donald Trump.  And when he's not fixated on DT stories, he's fixated on anything that has to do with racism. you know how on FB your timeline shows things that you're interested in and the more you click on them, the more similar stories show? like mine is full of recipes, travel etc.  His are all DT and racist this or racist that. We live in a BIG City on the East Coast and let me tell you...we are so blended here.  He has NEVER once been personally discriminated against or called any names or anything like that while he was here...YET anytime he can, he blames his race on it. For example guys...the first time he went to take the drivers test he ran a stop sign. Like flat out ran the stop sign. The guy failed him. ...the WHITE guy failed him. So what does he do? Take responsibility? oh no...not my husband.  My husband walked back into the room where I was sitting...the only white person in a room of all other races btw...…...and says loud and proud "I F***n HATE WHITE PEOPLE"  I got up, upset and walked outside and he did nothing. Stayed in there and waited til they gave him a new appointment, which I will point out was another test a week later by a "white" instructor and thank god he passed that one. Til this day I will tell him how much that embarrassed and hurt me and he boldly states that he meant it and he's glad he said it. I will say, well you know Im WHITE right? And his reply will be, so what does that have to do with what I said? omg!! I talk to him all the time about starting a business here. He goes along with it saying, yeah if I have something in mind, tell him.  Meanwhile, I accidentally found out (a form he left in my scanner) that he has opened a bank account in Nigeria. And the account had a Nigerian number on it as his phone number. I confronted  him about it. He yelled like he always does when confronted about things...like he basically intimidates me into not talking about it. But I pressed the issue and he said YES I opened one there and he can do whatever he wants. I asked him whose number that is and he told me its his. I was like what? He got louder and called me names, told me get a life. ..u know ...the usual and then I stopped asking him anything. This is EXACTLY what he does when I confront him about ANYTHING. He yells, calls me names, says "im a grown man, I dont need your permission to do anything..i do anything I want and as long as im not doing anything wrong, that's all I should have to know".  And then he will be SO FURIOUS with me for asking whatever it is im asking about...so I go to the room, cry and he gives me the silent treatment for DAYS on end. I mean DAYS...I cant talk to him, cant call him when he's out driving Uber, he sleeps downstairs on couch etc.  So I get so tired of the silent treatment that I forget about the whole issue that I have confronted him about and I start begging him to talk to me. Begging over and over and then even APPOLOGIZING TO HIM!! like im the one who did something wrong. So then when he finally goes back to talking to me, I dont dare bring up the subject that started the fight in the first place because I dont want the silent treatment again...so then it gets swept under the rug. And this has happned at least once a week for the last year to year and a half. Am I crazy or is this total wrong!!??  Ive never once told him I dont want to be with him but im starting to feel like this is never going to get better, its actually only getting worse. So I found out that the bank account he opned was because he has a facebook "page" that he started that he's basically listing things for sale like cars, electronics, etc and trying to sell them over there. I guess then he would put that money in an account over there. But like how is that right when 1. he never even told me about it. I only found out about the facebook page bc I asked him about the bank acouunt stuf, that I only found out by accident. not like he told me about it. and doesn't this all seem like he's building a life for HIMSELF and not the two of us as a married couple? Idk guys, im trying to think im overreacting but I just dont think this is normal and its CERTAINLY not how he was when we were living abroad. All our talks about dreams and life goals were about the two of us doing things together, and now its just like we are roomates and im not supposed to ask him about anything he is doing because it doesn't involve me. Oh, and the number he has, I looked at the front screen of his phone the other day to hand it to him and on the ffront screen I saw wassup and something called HUSH. I look up HUSH and it says its a site to have a secret second line on your phone. smh. I just dont know ...he says its to get the Nigerian number for the bank. I dont even know if that's possible or if that's the reason, but jeez...how much more is he hiding??   Im sorry for the long drawn out saga..i just really dont know who to talk to about any of this and im really hoping for some insight or feedback.  Thanks to all who took the time to read this. 

Edited June 12, 2018 by Stillbelieving

[Roel 7,192]

Yeah..  

To those who are too lazy to read - there is no immigration issues here. 

 

 

Try marriage counseling or divorce if you don't feel happy. That's it. 

[Stillbelieving 6]

Thanks for your comment, person in Poland. I thought "general discussion" meant it didn't have to do with immigration. But thanks all the same.  God Bless

 

""""General Discussion Area

• Regional Discussion
• Africa: Sub-Saharan """"    

Edited June 12, 2018 by Stillbelieving

[jesserz 73]

http://www.thehotline.org/

 

That's the domestic abuse hotline's website. You can call them to talk about things if you feel you're being abused.

[Bfree3 132]

@Stillbelieving You definitely need to stand up for yourself. It's hurtful to feel like someone has used us to gain something (in this case immigration purposes), but you gotta wake up and make some decisions that will change your situation. If my husband was doing all of this to me, I would no longer have a husband but of course that's just me. I don't take ####### from anybody and I'm not gonna let anybody treat me like a doormat. Me and my husband have had our many many many many issues and I won't get into them on here but just know I was ready to get divorced, I had my stuff packed and everything. He took it upon himself to come to me and apologize and we have been working on ourselves individually and as a couple. If your husband is not willing to work on himself and make you happy as his wife then you need to re-evaluate your relationship. I won't even get started on the racist issues because that is totally unacceptable. Feel free to message me if you wanna vent or just talk, I know what it's like to not feel like you can talk to anybody about your marriage.

[Stillbelieving 6]

Bfree3.  Thank you so much for your feedback. If this were a traditional marriage, It would be hard to walk away from it...but walking away from a marriage that took so much financially, emotionally, and everything else just to GET to this point..makes it even harder. 

[KaouNee 10]

Im so sorry to hear your going through this, you have been with this man for 9years and he act totally different when he enter the USA. Continue to pray on your marriage because god is the only one who can get you through this. You dont deserve the stress he is bringing you, put your foot down with him. Shame on him they talk good when they in their country but be another person in ours.

[Bfree3 132]

Just now, Stillbelieving said:

Bfree3.  Thank you so much for your feedback. If this were a traditional marriage, It would be hard to walk away from it...but walking away from a marriage that took so much financially, emotionally, and everything else just to GET to this point..makes it even harder. 

I think the same can be said about most ventures we decide to take on in life.  My husband and I were together for about 8 years and I invested so much but for my peace of mind I was willing to walk away. When he saw that I was serious, he straightened up. I didn't do it as a threat, I did it for me. Pray about it, if you have been praying already, change your prayers, make it more specific but also be sure that whatever decision you are wanting to make, it's God's will and not your own. We do that alot, tell God what we want but i think its important to know exactly what he has for you.

[britishandusa 446]

I understand this is a tough call for you. International relationships are never easy and when the distance finally closes, it can feel like a relief but working on being in love and together shouldn’t end when the distance ends.

 

Try to have an open line of communication and be firm about it. Don’t let yourself be pushed around. Go to counseling if needed. 

[Stillbelieving 6]

He's too stubborn to go to counseling. I suggested it one time and he thought I was "mad".  He takes no accountability for his actions so of course, "he doesn't need counseling" 

[Marcelina 246]

What you described is your husband doing whatever the F!@# he wants, and anytime you want to talk about it he uses an emotional blackmail towards you, until you say you are sorry and never bring the topic again etc. That's definitely unhealthy in any kind of relationship, not only marriage. He doesn't even care to show a tiny little bit of courtesy to your family, which defy a common sense...  Are you even a person you used to be 2-5 years before? Are you happy with who you have become due to his treatment? I understand it took a lot of effort, sacrifices, finances and time to make this marriage work within US borders but remember its never too late to be happy again, alone or with someone else! Take care of yourself first and if things that make you unhappy in this relationship doesn't change, let it go, for your own good! A relationship needs 2 people put an effort and care, you are totally alone in this. I wish you all the luck you need!

Edited June 12, 2018 by Marcelina

[O&O 330]

1 minute ago, Marcelina said:

What you described is your husband doing whatever the F!@# he wants, and anytime you want to talk about it he uses an emotional blackmail towards you, until you say you are sorry and never bring the topic again etc. That's definitely unhealthy in any kind of relationship, not only marriage. He doesn't even care to show a tiny little bit of courtesy to your family, which defy a common sense...  Are you even a person you used to be 2-5 years before? Are you happy with who you have become due to his treatment? I understand it took a lot of effort, sacrifices, finances and time to make this marriage work within US borders but remember its never too late to be happy again, alone or with someone else! Take care of yourself first and if things that make you unhappy in this relationship doesn't change, let it go, for your own good! A relationship needs 2 people put an effort and care, you are totally alone in this. I wish you all the luck you need!

Thanks ..well said..

[EmmNM 179]

@Stillbelieving I read all that you wrote and my heart goes out to you girl. I would try marriage counseling first. I would make an appointment to see the counselor by yourself first. Tell her everything that you told us. It sounds like emotional abuse. Ask your counselor if it is a good idea he comes to an appointment with you. Who knows, maybe you can salvage your relationship. You used to be able to live together. Maybe working on your communication with a counselor would help?

 

I will say that everything you wrote literally makes my heart ache. I have been in a relationship just like this. Almost everything you are saying I went through. I remember apologizing to him so he would talk to me. I remember it somehow being my fault for something he did. It took me a long time to heal. It took me a very long time to trust again. I still struggle with things. But I promise you will get better. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

 

You are not crazy. You are a strong woman. You deserve respect. You deserve to be happy. 

[little immigrant 801]

There is always two sides to the story. When I was married to a USC I opened bank accounts in secret too. In my case I had to because my spouse was very controlling. I had to ask permission to buy bread and use $5 out of the account. One time I went to have a burger menu for $7 and I was unable to tell him in advance because I found out they don't take the card I had (an Amex prepaid with money a friend gave to me) and when I told him after the fact he threatened me with deportation and was very angry. He also gave his debit card to our joint account to his mother and told her the PIN number and every month she would take out $200-$400 out of OUR joint account while I couldn't buy socks or deodorant or other necessities. One time I was even out of toilet paper and I couldn't buy more. What I'm saying is there is always two sides to the story and maybe you're just too controlling with him. What you find "transparent" he might find restricting. Maybe the way you were with his family wasn't very nice either that's why he resents yours now. In my case I had to get out of that marriage for my own well being as I couldn't deal with those restrictions and emotional blackmail. Good luck to you both.

[Stillbelieving 6]

@little immigrant,  to clarify...I am the most NON controlling person you will ever meet.  Not let him buy something? I'm usually the first one to say...babe, you should get this, or you should get that. He drives his car all day for Uber and eats out at least 2 meals a day. I even get mad if he tells me he hasn't eaten all day and is starving. I tell him to take time to find something to eat before he drives anymore. Ask me to buy a burger or bread?? That's totally insane. And giving money to my mom or anyone that is his? that's CRAZY!! AND my mom and family are way better off financially than we are. If anything, we have leaned on them for years. As for the way I treated his family. 1. we lived in another country than them the entire time I was abroad. So I had VERY little interaction with them.  I wrote his sister on fb once and she read the message but never replied me. I bought his moms ticket to come to where we were and hosted her in our home while we were still living in AFrica.  I showered her with gifts, we took her to nice restaurants, I gave up my bed for her to sleep on.  And each time she calls I get on the phone with her and say hello and send my greetings to everyone in the family. There is nothing more I feel I can do on my part. If his mom or dad wanted to come to the States to live with us I would LOVEEEEE it!! If wanting to know why he's opening accounts and not telling me about them or asking why he's got a "secret second number" on his phone, or asking why he didn't answer his phone for the last 2 hours is "controlling" then sure im controlling!! But I dont think it is. These are normal things a wife is supposed to know about her husband. I cant touch his laptop, or his phone. and I accept that . I dont even think I should accept that, but I do becuase I know if I tell him it bothers me, it will be a fight. Yet, my phone is fair game, my laptop is unlocked, etc. So yes, while there are definitely two sides to every story, please dont try to paint a picture that is not accurate or compare it to your relationship with a control freak. I dont know any husband that started a business in his home country and does not breathe one word about it to their spouse. He calls me many times during the day to tell me about a car that just got in an accident, or he just saw a truck hit a deer, or hes trying to find a gas station to buy gas, or he just had a crazy passenger in his car...so he can tell me all these things in the course of a day but you cant tell me you've started a business that looks to sell things in Nigeria? Really? And we're married? oh ok. 

Edited June 13, 2018 by Stillbelieving