Hubby's ex needs a shoulder to cry on...

[Sharon 1]

I have nowhere else to turn to for advice on this so I hope y'all don't mind if I bend your ears (eyes?) for a few minutes and reach out for opinions/advice...

Hubby came home from work today and told me that his ex called him. Her Mom, who hasn't been well for several months now, is in the hospital on life support and it doesn't look good.

She continued on speaking to hubby and telling him that she has nobody for moral/emotional support and needs someone to help her thru this cuz she feels like she's losing it, and without coming right out and asking she was heartily hinting at my hubby to be there for her.

Rick told her that he was very sorry to hear the news, he hoped her Mom would get better and that if his 3 kids (girl 22, girl 20 and boy 14) needed him he was there for them, and that was all.

I lost my own Mom 14 years ago and I know first-hand how painful it can be. But to ask my husband to be there for her during her duress just doesn't make me feel very comfortable. I think she has some nerve asking him that actually, after all she put me and Rick thru at the beginning of our relationship all the way thru the beginning of our marriage (told all kinds of lies about me to everyone and had my step-kids hating my guts )

I've bitten my tongue since he got home and told me all of this, I don't want to sound like a b!tch and tell him what I really think about it but dammit there's a part of me that then starts to think that maybe she needs a friend. And when that thought is allowed to fester yet another one niggles at my head and whispers "but what if she tries 'something'". I trust my husband but I don't trust that thing any farther than I can throw her. (and that's not far)

All I have said to him on the subject is that he should get in touch with the kids and ask them if he can do anything for them, do they need him and to be sure they know he (and I) are there for them. I know they're hurting, they are very close to their grandmother.

Rick himself has lost both parents. He also told me that his ex didn't even go to his Mom's funeral when she passed away and she went to his Dad's viewing/funeral just once. And never helped him when he had to go thru all of his Mom and Dad's home to clear it out after his Dad died (his Mom died first)

What do I do?

Edited May 4, 2007 by Sharon

[Fandango 1,439]

Maybe nothing else needs to be done? Rick sounds like he's pretty clear about what he wants to do, so I'd say defer to him.

[Jenn! 918]

I have no life experience with this sort of situation, but I just thought I'd say that I think your reaction is perfectly reasonable. And by the way it sounds like Rick's conversation with his ex went, he won't mind you "putting your foot down" on this. Rick can be there for his kids, and his kids can be there for their mom. JMHO.

[deemabrouk 0]

I have nowhere else to turn to for advice on this so I hope y'all don't mind if I bend your ears (eyes?) for a few minutes and reach out for opinions/advice...

Hubby came home from work today and told me that his ex called him. Her Mom, who hasn't been well for several months now, is in the hospital on life support and it doesn't look good.

She continued on speaking to hubby and telling him that she has nobody for moral/emotional support and needs someone to help her thru this cuz she feels like she's losing it, and without coming right out and asking she was heartily hinting at my hubby to be there for her.

Rick told her that he was very sorry to hear the news, he hoped her Mom would get better and that if his 3 kids (girl 22, girl 20 and boy 14) needed him he was there for them, and that was all.

I lost my own Mom 14 years ago and I know first-hand how painful it can be. But to ask my husband to be there for her during her duress just doesn't make me feel very comfortable. I think she has some nerve asking him that actually, after all she put me and Rick thru at the beginning of our relationship all the way thru the beginning of our marriage (told all kinds of lies about me to everyone and had my step-kids hating my guts )

I've bitten my tongue since he got home and told me all of this, I don't want to sound like a b!tch and tell him what I really think about it but dammit there's a part of me that then starts to think that maybe she needs a friend. And when that thought is allowed to fester yet another one niggles at my head and whispers "but what if she tries 'something'". I trust my husband but I don't trust that thing any farther than I can throw her. (and that's not far)

All I have said to him on the subject is that he should get in touch with the kids and ask them if he can do anything for them, do they need him and to be sure they know he (and I) are there for them. I know they're hurting, they are very close to their grandmother.

Rick himself has lost both parents. He also told me that his ex didn't even go to his Mom's funeral when she passed away and she went to his Dad's viewing/funeral just once. And never helped him when he had to go thru all of his Mom and Dad's home to clear it out after his Dad died (his Mom died first)

What do I do?

Well your husbands reply sounded pretty good.. He stated he would be there for the kids.. and it seems he didnt open the door for her to lean on him...

I am always think communication need to be open.. So if you are upset just talk to him.. BUT I am sure he realises everything too - the lack of support for his own family.. her causing a problem for you guys..

I'd watch and see what he does.. If you start to feel un comfortable - Speak up

[rebeccajo 14]

Well, it sounds like he has it well under control.

I can't believe you two can't have a little heart-to-heart where you tell him you're feeling a little weird about it. You know, put the blame on yourself. Tell him you know you're feeling irrational but you just don't like that woman!

[brnidokiegurl 0]

Thats a hard one, death or illness can change alot of people. Just talk with him remembering he was close to this person at one time also (assuming without actually knowing past life). I know if my x's mom was sick now i would feel bad but we didnt have kids so the contact would be very limited and i would offer what i could.

[Aymerlu 3]

I suppose it depends on the situation. You husband seems to have a handle on things though so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Is he close with his ex mother in law? I was with my ex for a total of 15 years and became fairly close with his parents. I know if he were in this situtation, as much as I cannot stand him, I'd be there for his mother, but NOT for him.

[raymaga 25]

My ex-husband attended my Mom's funeral (after I was already married to my current husband). He came as support for our kids (it was their grandmother that died) and as well because my Mom was his mother-in-law for 22 years and always treated him well and like he was part of our family.

When my ex-husband's parents die, I will certainly attend their funerals for the same reasons (support for our kids) as well as out of respect for my ex-in-laws because they were part of my life for 22 years as well.

It sounds like your husband is being as supportive as he can to his ex-wife, without letting her lean on him too much now that they are no longer a couple, and now that he has a new wife and life.

If I were you, I would wait and watch. You can always bring the subject up at any time if you start to feel uncomfortable if anything new develops over the situation.

Good luck and best wishes.

Edited May 5, 2007 by raymaga

[JoeMama 0]

I always say, "If it's on your mind and bothering you, you may as well say it". Maybe your husband needs to know your concern. He's right about being there for his children. But he has no moral obligation to his ex. I would suggest to him if she's looking for a shoulder to cry on, call a priest or a pastor. My ex-father-in-law passed away while I was coming back from Europe last year. Did I care? No. I called my children and spoke only to them. No way would I ever be there for my ex for any reason. Harsh? Uncaring? Damn straight! I am not obligated to her or any of her family members. Only my children. It was all due to the problems of the former spouse combined with her family's trouble-making involvement when we split. They all tried some way to destroy me however they could emotionally, financially, and physically. Certainly, I don't back down and stood up to those ding-dongs when they tried to make it to where I could not provide a home for my children, etc. What didn't destroy me, only made me stronger when they could not succeed in their attemtps. That brought me to the point that I have not a care in the world for none of them.

[Otto 83]

Be very careful when it comes to dealing with jealousy.. The green-eyed monster can cause more damage than you can imagine. Talk about it - let him know how you're feeling if you must...but realize, they are your feelings and not necessarily reality...

[Sharon 1]

I knew I could count on my pals at VJ. Thanks for all the replies, guys and gals.

I did express my feelings to the hubster and he told me he'd already known exactly how I felt without my having to say anything...lol.

Also said he'd have felt the same way if the roles had been reversed.

I did mention to him that he could offer my shoulder to her if she needed someone to talk to who's been there and done that.

We've contacted the kids and they're holding up ok under the circumstances and they know we're here for them if they need us.

Thanks again, everyone.

[William33 110]

For the Children full support, in any form.

For the EX, not your (his) problem. If it was your (his) problem, they would not have divorced.

I have a cold approach, but divorce sucks and death happens. The only issue here is the children and their suffering.

[slim 1,525]

I don't want to sound like a b!tch and tell him what I really think about it

That doesn't make you sound like a b!tch, that makes you sound like you're giving your husband your honest oppinion.

You have the right to be a b!tch when his ex-wife starts calling him for something. He's YOUR husband! They got divorced for one reason or another, so she already made the choice to STOP using him for emotional support.

Stand up for your side on this one. If she needs a friend, she can find one that she decided not to divorce.

[JODO 2]

I believe your husband handled it very well. He was polite and showed empathy. If it is bothering you, share your concerns with your husband,but it sounds like he has made his ex aware of the supporting role and to whom he is offering it.

Edited May 6, 2007 by JODO

[Killer_Clown_2009 0]

Your husband should not have told you about her request, especially considering the harm she did to you. He's told her that he is not there to support her and that should be that.

Edited May 6, 2007 by jane2005