Conversation with fiance regarding K1 interview

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

Yes and no.

 

I happened to be in Sweden with my fiancé when he cleared his interview and also when he got his visa. He technically could have booked a seat on my return flight and could have come home with me when I left. Of course, that would have been AMAZING and I would've loved that. But it would have also been selfish.

 

My fiancé is very close to his family, and I tried to put myself in his shoes. I also never asked him to come back with me - I let him make the call and tell me what he wanted to do. We ended up agreeing that he would stay until May so he could make his three year old nephew's birthday before leaving, and that would also give him time to spend with his family before leaving. Even if I could have stayed that much longer, I wouldn't have unless he had asked me to. Not that I wouldn't have wanted to, but I wouldn't want to impose on that time with his family. He's moving to the other side of the world and won't be able to see them nearly daily, as he does now, and that's a big change. He deserves that time to say goodbye.

 

Were you wrong to want to, or expect to stay? No, you're doing it out of love. But I just encourage you to try and step back and see it from your partner's point of view. Think about how this will be for her and her family. If they are very close, it's expected that she may want time with them herself before leaving them. Try to respect that, even if it's frustrating for you. You get to have her for the rest of your lives - her family doesn't.

 

That being said - if there's other things making you feel suspicious....as someone else said, you have to trust your gut. If there's other factors we here on the internet aren't aware of, we really can't pass judgement on that and tell you your partner is right or wrong here. That's got to be between the two of you.

 

If there are no other extenuating circumstances or issues....then try to let this one go. It's not worth fighting and convoluting this part of the process over. This will be hard enough for her as it is, leaving her family and starting over. As much as she may love you - this part will not be any easier. Neither one of you need it any harder by disagreeing or fighting. You need to be strong for one another and supportive.

 

 

Also adding, because I went back and read the rest of the posts and saw the one about Facebook:

 

I don't know why people get so up in arms about what people do or don't do on Facebook. I think people tend to forget that there are cultural differences there, too, and not everyone is outwardly showy or extroverted on social media like most Americans are. My fiancé is Swedish - Swedes tend to not be so "look at me and what I'm doing". I've actually noticed that with friends and family over there that I've accumulated on social media - they definitely don't post or show up as much as my American friends and family do. My fiancé has a Facebook, but actually didn't have one for years before. And he NEVER posts. I think he posts once a year, lol. And he doesn't go and like or comment on my posts, either. We don't need each other to do that - it doesn't validate or negate your relationship at all either way.

 

So, FB shouldn't be a factor. Unless there's some blatant disrespect or disloyalty going on somehow.

Edited April 12, 2018 by Paul & Mallory

[Nevad@ 26]

15 hours ago, Jeff1980 said:

Thank you for all of your advice...

 

It's difficult to play devil's advocate right now, but I'll try..

 

She is a very independent woman, so going alone even in an unfamiliar place is not entirely out of character.

 

When I asked her if I could just stay in VN to wait for her while she does things alone with friends, she said her family would scold her and ask why I'm not with her.  That may be an SE Asian thing, or at least Vietnam, so I'm not going to question why they would scold her. I think family is just like that over there, usually.

 

I asked why she was ok with me picking her up earlier (based on a previous conversation), and not now.  She said as the time got closer, she got sadder and sadder.  I'll buy this as a possibility.  Not completely sold on it, but that's my problem.

 

As to the more suspicious things... I would be surprised if there was a special someone that I didn't know about, but it's not out of the realm of possibility.  She was very cautious about publicly liking and replying to facebook posts from me, which she said was because she feared she would get teased, and that she never did that with other boyfriends before me... ok.

 

I'll take a look at everything and go from there.  Thank you for y'alls support.  

I just noticed this........ an independent women would never ever care that others would tease her. And tease for what? For getting married?! 

[Muffinji 43]

I’m not Vietnamese but southeast Asian / Malaysian. So maybe my thoughts on it could be different but, 

I’m a fairly independent person, can speak English well, have travelled extensively to USA, Europe, Asia on my own and yet when the time comes for me to go over, I would hope that my husband can do what you offered (probably not, and I won’t ask for it because it’s not going to be an economically smart move for us). 

 

Also, I always find long flights-especially the ones from Asia to USA more enjoyable with my spouse, even when we were not married yet. 

If I was going to be very sad, I would really rather have my spouse around than not. - but that could be a personal preference.

 

though, her words on how her family will want her to be with you if you’re around is probably true. Sort of Asian hospitality related. But if you were not staying at her house - > at a hotel, it wouldn’t be hard for her to tell them you had your own things to do.

 

Also, the teasing part maybe more of being judged over a foreign husband / don’t want her friends to think she is in it for the money or opportunity to immigrate to USA, so I’d understand why she don’t post much on fb. 

 

however, if they were friends that she is meeting in her last two weeks there, they should be friends that would know her well enough, so your presence shouldn’t be an issue. 

Unless a long shot possibility is, she don’t want to look as though she is ‘showing off’ with you around to her friends.

 

either way, it’s best if you are able to somehow get her to communicate and be able to verbalize her feelings and thoughts 

Or figure out a way you can deal with the way she is acting out

or else similar situations could arise later in your married life and could be frustrating for both party. 

 

Good luck! Hope things will work out for you. 

 

Edit : is it possible for you both to compromise, maybe you go travel Vietnam or other parts of Asia on your own for 2 weeks or so and then meet up to fly to USA together? Taking into account how she don’t speak English, you could explain your concern over language issues at POE and navigate around the airport especially if it’s her first time arriving in USA. 

Edited April 12, 2018 by Muffinji

[jyaku 138]

She could be using you for the visa to enter the US alone and then hook up with someone she already knows.

 

It's surprisingly quite common from Vietnam and Philippines.

 

But.. and this is a big but.. you're not on the hook for anything unless you marry her within those 90 days. Remember she has no other path to legalization except through marriage to YOU.

 

So trust your instincts and ignore them at your peril.

[doggieandsam 765]

if the only reason was to have the space to say goodbye to friends and family without her worrying about you being bored, then your offer of staying out of her way would have remedied that. but she insists that you leave Vietnam and that she will POE by herself. add to this are the facts that she doesn't speak english you said and that this will be her first international trip. multiple red flags to me!

 

i am a well-travelled, fiercely independent person who has been to the US multiple times and can speak English like a native but if my fiance was with me and has offered to wait for me to wrap up my affairs so we can POE together, i would have loved it!

Edited April 12, 2018 by doggieandsam

[doggieandsam 765]

21 minutes ago, jyaku said:

It's surprisingly quite common from Vietnam and Philippines.

really? do you have any specific examples?

 

i have been here on VJ for over a year now and i have read about this happening with a case from another country but not from Vietnam or the Philippines.

Edited April 12, 2018 by doggieandsam

[Marieke H 2,508]

OP,  we have all provided ideas about why she may be acting this way, but the only way to really find out what is going on in her mind, is to have an honest conversation about it. You both need to listen and be honest. It will be a good practice for married life. Good luck.

[Cris&Rich 119]

Hi OP, I’m also from South East Asia not from Vietnam but from the Philippines. I’ve  been described as independent And speak English well, had travelled and lived alone overseas for more than 5 years. When my fiancé and I start our k1 journey I’m pretty much aware that when the time comes and all is set up I will fly alone and it’s totally fine as I had done it many times, during his last visit (Mar 2018) he said that he will return here to pick me up. In the beginning I was thinking about saving money, assured him I’ll be fine but he told me he like to fly with me anyway and I quickly warmed up on the idea, accepted it so that’s our final plan. Besides i really appreciate his effort so right now I’m so excited and really looking forward to that special journey with my loves. 

Maybe try to talk to her again Without being pushy, you know her better and for sure your instinct can feel if there is anything going on. Give her space, let her say her goodbye to her family and friends in her own way, try to communicate openly and to compromise with her, Hope she meet you half ways on this matter. 

Edited April 12, 2018 by Cris&Rich

[travelerjohn2012 1]

This does sound suspicious.  I agree with you.  Mine is from the Philippines and she is delighted that I am coming to get her. She didn't want to travel alone.  It is a stressful time I agree of that but that would seem all the more reason to want you there. 

[iwir 337]

On 4/12/2018 at 2:37 AM, Jeff1980 said:

I said I that I was hoping to go back with her, and also I didn't think that was a great idea because she could use some help getting through the POE in the US, since she doesn't speak English.

 

On 4/12/2018 at 2:37 AM, Jeff1980 said:

Is this a normal thing for Vietnam, or SE Asia in general?

She doesn't speak English and you're not familiar with her culture and you both seem to have communication issues because you have difficulties to discuss something calmly. To me this is just a little preview of your marriage life.

 

Answering your question. No it's not SE Asia in general. I'm from Indonesia and I travel a lot. I speak fluent English and I've been to the US many times so my POE wouldn't be my first international travel. I also consider myself independent. I can provide for and take good care of myself. I'm opinionated and passionate when expressing myself. My family wouldn't care if I wanted to do anything by myself without you following me like a Siamese twins including when I want to say goodbye to whomever I want. So no. It's not South East Asian in general. It's just a matter of preference.

 

But as an independent woman, I still love to have my fiance to visit me and go with me back the the US. He told me he wanted to and I said that's great. Any opportunity of spending time with him will be taken happily. I did a research here and I found out he can even attend the interview with me not only waiting in or outside the embassy. He was so excited when I told him that and we arranged our plan. He's going to go for the interview with me and we're going to spend last two weeks together with my family to say goodbye and getting ready for my move. 

 

I also need him to go with me so he can bring some of my belongings (I told him to pack light and a girl can have so many hand bags 😉) and help me bringing my two cats with us. So each of us will bring one cats. He's a great help and I really appreciate it

 

 

Edited April 12, 2018 by iwir

[travelerjohn2012 1]

How long have you been a couple. .how many times have you visited her and how old is she?

[Orangesapples 1,954]

If she doesn't speak English, how do you communicate? What's your language in common? 

[arken 4,197]

That is really surprising. Whether or not something shady is going on, I can’t imagine how the marital relationship would be later on if one doesn’t want to have a first travel to the US together with the person who is the only reason she will be leaving her country. Being with each other soon is what most of us wanted, you both wanted. Now that the time is about to come, travelling together is a problem?

 

I would have a serious and honest conversation about that. May be you tell her how important it is for you that you two travelling with each other to be with each  other.

Edited April 13, 2018 by arken

[crissyfisher 98]

If that was me I’d be really happy to have my husband with me to help me pack and travel together  .but maybe she jus need some time or space to say goodbye to her family and friends I mean you’ll be spending a life time with her anyway 2 weeks shouldn’t be any problem . Some women jus like having their space if u don’t give her then she’ll feel uncomfortable and might cause a problem in your marriage. Wish u the best.

Edited April 13, 2018 by crissyfisher

[TBoneTX 45,297]

On 4/11/2018 at 2:37 PM, Jeff1980 said:

1.  She didn't like this

2.  said she was getting tired of arguing with me about it

3.  She was very adamant about wanting to go alone.

4.  I then said she's acting suspicious (mistake), and then she really blew up. 

These are not the actions of a loving spouse-to-be.

All raise loud, conscious alarms in my mind, the third one in particular.

 

My suggestions:

A.  Break things off now and never look back; or,

B.  Tell her, "I've been thinking that it's unfair of me to want to take you away from your family and friends.  So, instead of your moving here, I'm going to move to be with you in Vietnam."  Listen to and observe her reaction like a hawk.

 

I would pick A., because I perceive that she doesn't genuinely love you.  However, B. might make up your mind for you.