Conversation with fiance regarding K1 interview

[Jeff1980 1]

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the right forum for this question, but I could use some advice if others have experienced this.

 

My fiance and I discussed that if the interview was successful, then she would like to take 2 weeks to say goodbye to friends and family in Vietnam before leaving to America.

 

Sounds like a great idea.

 

But then she suggested that I go back to US without her after the interview and let her come to the US alone after those 2 weeks.  I said I that I was hoping to go back with her, and also I didn't think that was a great idea because she could use some help getting through the POE in the US, since she doesn't speak English.  I said that I would be happy waiting 2 weeks in Vietnam for her to say goodbye to everyone, even willing to leave her alone to do so.

 

She didn't like this and said she was getting tired of arguing with me about it, saying that other friends and customers went alone.  She was very adamant about wanting to go alone.  I then said she's acting suspicious (mistake), and then she really blew up. 

 

Am I out of line here?  Is this a normal thing for Vietnam, or SE Asia in general?

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

7 minutes ago, Jeff1980 said:

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the right forum for this question, but I could use some advice if others have experienced this.

 

My fiance and I discussed that if the interview was successful, then she would like to take 2 weeks to say goodbye to friends and family in Vietnam before leaving to America.

 

Sounds like a great idea.

 

But then she suggested that I go back to US without her after the interview and let her come to the US alone after those 2 weeks.  I said I that I was hoping to go back with her, and also I didn't think that was a great idea because she could use some help getting through the POE in the US, since she doesn't speak English.  I said that I would be happy waiting 2 weeks in Vietnam for her to say goodbye to everyone, even willing to leave her alone to do so.

 

She didn't like this and said she was getting tired of arguing with me about it, saying that other friends and customers went alone.  She was very adamant about wanting to go alone.  I then said she's acting suspicious (mistake), and then she really blew up. 

 

Am I out of line here?  Is this a normal thing for Vietnam, or SE Asia in general?

 

Don't know about Vietnam specifically... but I know that my husband would have been more than happy if I could have been there to help him pack and all at the airport with luggage. I wasn't; but I know he would have appreciated it a lot.. 

As to if she is acting suspicious, for me, all I can say is trust your gut. If this is just completely out of her normal character perhaps is it suspicious; but think if she has ever been kind of like this before too. Sometimes you don't realize it until you really try remembering previous events.

 

I don't think you're out of line to want to stay and travel with her... then at same time, is that more important than just giving her that personal alone time at home with friends and family before leaving them behind to go be with you? I can' really answer your question; but definately take some time to evaluate things and take it all into consideration from the full picture perspective.

[T_P 872]

9 minutes ago, Jeff1980 said:

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the right forum for this question, but I could use some advice if others have experienced this.

 

My fiance and I discussed that if the interview was successful, then she would like to take 2 weeks to say goodbye to friends and family in Vietnam before leaving to America.

 

Sounds like a great idea.

 

But then she suggested that I go back to US without her after the interview and let her come to the US alone after those 2 weeks.  I said I that I was hoping to go back with her, and also I didn't think that was a great idea because she could use some help getting through the POE in the US, since she doesn't speak English.  I said that I would be happy waiting 2 weeks in Vietnam for her to say goodbye to everyone, even willing to leave her alone to do so.

 

She didn't like this and said she was getting tired of arguing with me about it, saying that other friends and customers went alone.  She was very adamant about wanting to go alone.  I then said she's acting suspicious (mistake), and then she really blew up. 

 

Am I out of line here?  Is this a normal thing for Vietnam, or SE Asia in general?

It sounds like this is a personal issue and it has nothing to do with USCIS or any related process/form. I can tell you that would be nice if you both could travel together but if she doesnt like it, there are tons of other experiences including myself that come alone and everything worked just fine. 

 

I hope you can resolve your struggles with your future wife soon. Enjoy.

[Calicolom 266]

My be there is someone special she wants to say goodbye, GOOD LUCK

[Marieke H 2,523]

I am from a completely different part of the world, but when I was getting ready to move, I was an emotional mess. And I don't think having my husband there would have been helpful. I probably just would have been even more stressed, trying to make sure he was okay and not bored.

I needed my space to do what needed to be done, to go through all my belongings, to sell my things, to spend time with my friends and family, to ride around on my bike in my nice little town, to spend my last few days in my best friend's house drinking wine and talking all night. It was very hard for me to leave that life behind, and I was very emotional during those weeks. Maybe she just doesn't want you to see her like that.

Give her some space. If those 2 weeks are what she needs to get ready for your life together, it'll be worth it.

[FernandLevi 36]

28 minutes ago, Jeff1980 said:

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the right forum for this question, but I could use some advice if others have experienced this.

 

My fiance and I discussed that if the interview was successful, then she would like to take 2 weeks to say goodbye to friends and family in Vietnam before leaving to America.

 

Sounds like a great idea.

 

But then she suggested that I go back to US without her after the interview and let her come to the US alone after those 2 weeks.  I said I that I was hoping to go back with her, and also I didn't think that was a great idea because she could use some help getting through the POE in the US, since she doesn't speak English.  I said that I would be happy waiting 2 weeks in Vietnam for her to say goodbye to everyone, even willing to leave her alone to do so.

 

She didn't like this and said she was getting tired of arguing with me about it, saying that other friends and customers went alone.  She was very adamant about wanting to go alone.  I then said she's acting suspicious (mistake), and then she really blew up. 

 

Am I out of line here?  Is this a normal thing for Vietnam, or SE Asia in general?

My Fiance would listen to me and what I thought best. She had 8+ months to say goodbye.. Good luck

[Jeff1980 1]

Thank you for all of your advice...

 

It's difficult to play devil's advocate right now, but I'll try..

 

She is a very independent woman, so going alone even in an unfamiliar place is not entirely out of character.

 

When I asked her if I could just stay in VN to wait for her while she does things alone with friends, she said her family would scold her and ask why I'm not with her.  That may be an SE Asian thing, or at least Vietnam, so I'm not going to question why they would scold her. I think family is just like that over there, usually.

 

I asked why she was ok with me picking her up earlier (based on a previous conversation), and not now.  She said as the time got closer, she got sadder and sadder.  I'll buy this as a possibility.  Not completely sold on it, but that's my problem.

 

As to the more suspicious things... I would be surprised if there was a special someone that I didn't know about, but it's not out of the realm of possibility.  She was very cautious about publicly liking and replying to facebook posts from me, which she said was because she feared she would get teased, and that she never did that with other boyfriends before me... ok.

 

I'll take a look at everything and go from there.  Thank you for y'alls support.  

[OutOfThisWorld 87]

Yes, it is normal. Good luck.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

So she doesn't speak English, that means that you must speak Vietnamese. Are you of Vietnamese descent yourself? You must be familiar with the culture in this case. 

 

Starting your marriage with suspicions in your mind is not good. Trust is extremely important. I don't see anything wrong with her wanting two weeks for herself to say goodbye. And why is FB mentioned so often here when people are talking about their relationships? Her likes on FB are irrelevant. 

[Nevad@ 26]

9 hours ago, Jeff1980 said:

 

That's very cute that you want to support her, and help with packing and all. Hopefully there is no specific shady reason behind it, since you noted that she is independent... My 2 cents though- I would be touched to tears if my fiance would fly across the world to be at the interview with me, and help me pack, stay vacationing, and saying goodbye to friends and family. 

[TBoneTX 46,072]

This topic isn't about the K-1 process itself, and it's possibly cultural, so thread is moved from the K-1 Process forum to the Vietnam regional forum.

[Scandi 4,180]

11 hours ago, Jeff1980 said:

Hi,

 

I don't know if this is the right forum for this question, but I could use some advice if others have experienced this.

 

My fiance and I discussed that if the interview was successful, then she would like to take 2 weeks to say goodbye to friends and family in Vietnam before leaving to America.

 

Sounds like a great idea.

 

But then she suggested that I go back to US without her after the interview and let her come to the US alone after those 2 weeks.  I said I that I was hoping to go back with her, and also I didn't think that was a great idea because she could use some help getting through the POE in the US, since she doesn't speak English.  I said that I would be happy waiting 2 weeks in Vietnam for her to say goodbye to everyone, even willing to leave her alone to do so.

 

She didn't like this and said she was getting tired of arguing with me about it, saying that other friends and customers went alone.  She was very adamant about wanting to go alone.  I then said she's acting suspicious (mistake), and then she really blew up. 

 

Am I out of line here?  Is this a normal thing for Vietnam, or SE Asia in general?

I have seen stories here on VJ about SE Asians women travelling alone just to get picked up at the airport by another man. 

 

Not saying that's happening in your case..

[JE57 239]

Really Really BIG RED FLAGs here!   My SE wife was amazed and very quickly jumped to the conclusion that this woman was hiding something significant.  Aside from rather she is hiding something or not the reason in my mind that this is a huge RED flag is that the two of you can not work this out and that you have enough doubts in your mind to turn to strangers on the internet and ask about it.  Think about it this way,  you are going to spend you life together with this woman and make huge decisions about how to spend money, where to live, rather to have children, when to visit back to Vietnam and she blows up at you for you being honest with her about some really valid concerns and your attempts to be a caring loving future husband.  HOW are you going to work out the tougher stuff in the future if you can't get thru a relatively simple matter of rather you will travel with her and stay in country for 2 weeks.  Luckily the visa she just got is valid for a couple of months at least.  I'd suggest maybe it's time to go back to the USA and not plan to have her fly until the two of you can get on the same page and more importantly learn how to communicate when your opinions differ and how to reassure each other if one or both of you have insecurities.  Far better to work that out before she is also trying to adjust to living in the USA where all the independence that she may have will be GONE until she can marry, start EOS and get her EAD card.  Disagreements don't end relationships not being able to communicate though just might.  Good luck and prayers for both of you.

[cyclone27 710]

It’s hard to say if this is normal or not though if this was the plan agreed to prior then I can see why it would be disheartening. You invested time off and course money by making all of the travel arrangements.

 

My wife did the interview alone and also flew to US alone to begin her new life with me. (Independent and speaks fluent English) 

 

I think it was a month or so after she received her visa and she traveled so that gave her ample time to say goodbyes and close loose ends. I think me being there would have taken away from that so I think it was for the best.  I do think she would have liked to have me around for the travel bit: (carry bags and keep company for 20hrs) 

 

[R&OC 371]

Only you yourself can tell. 

 

But in all honesty, I would love to have my husband be with me and I am fiercely independent myself. I was a single mom for years, take care of my kids and myself without any support, have a great job and awesome place to live... and yet, if my husband came over to help us transition I would be over the moon.

 

I know we all have different opinions and some of us may need more space. I have been there before in terms of needing more space. Although I am not saying that this is the case for her - needing more space in my case was always related to not being fully engaged and committed in my past.

 

And what I find odd is how she blows up about it and how she publicly positioned herself on FB. There are many other alternatives to solve this. She could have explained to you how she needs that time alone and yet, she apparently went right into a defensive mode. I personally react defensive if I am already giving tons and someone asks for even more. My question would be, why does she feel infringed upon? 

 

Does she really want to move to the US or is she being pushed by her family? Is she is expected to provide for them once in the US?

 

You guys need to talk about all the suspicions you have on your mind and feel you can fully trust her before committing to marriage.

Edited April 12, 2018 by R&OC