Guilt of Moving from family

[BRENTWOOD 14]

Hello,

 

I am just wondering if anyone else out there has guilt of moving away from their parents and siblings in this process? I am very close with my family and my petition just got approved but now the tough feelings are setting in. I just wonder if there are other people out there who feel this guilt or is this something that shouldn't be happening. I'm not sure why it bothers me, just upset to be missing out on all the things involved when I'm in the same city as my family and not coping well with the change. Don't get me wrong I am super excited of course to start my new life and finally be reunited with my fiancé, however just looking for some tips or acknowledgement that I am not alone.

Thanks for reading

 

Brentwood

[mushroomspore 3,044]

You're not alone in feeling this way. I'm Asian-Canadian. My parents became citizens back in the 80's but they're still very traditional Asians, of course. I moved to the US five years to go to grad school for an arts degree. While my parents are very proud that their daughter has a Master's Degree (it took them my whole life to realize that I'm not gonna be a doctor or lawyer), I too felt a lot of guilt when I moved. They also supported me financially throughout that time. I still have desires to make a lot of money and pay them back.

 

However, my advice is to not let these negative feelings stop you from enjoying your life with your fiance. Your parents were your age once and newly engaged and newly married too. They most likely went through the same feelings you are going through now with their own parents. This struggle is just part of growing further into adulthood. Your fiance is your family now. Your parents and siblings know you love them and just because you're engaged doesn't mean they think you're going to abandon them. =) Hope this was helpful.

[Russ&Caro 1,549]

I think it's a natural feeling. My wife got very homesick initially, but her trips home have become less and less frequent as time goes by. One of the things that helps is that she talks online with her mother every day and with her brother a couple of times per week. Technology (mostly free) helps.

[AM268 23]

I am moving on the 11th, next Wednesday, and i am having trouble with the guilt too. It took me 3 years almost from marriage to visa in hand and now that it's time to move I wish there was someway to be in both places at the same time. Yes everyone is grown and yes I am happy to be moving with my wife, but there is some thing pulling at my heart still. Hopefully your transition when you reach the states will be smooth and the home sick feeling and or guilt will go away. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

16 hours ago, Russ&Caro said:

I think it's a natural feeling. My wife got very homesick initially, but her trips home have become less and less frequent as time goes by. One of the things that helps is that she talks online with her mother every day and with her brother a couple of times per week. Technology (mostly free) helps.

Same here, my wife technically lives on FB talking to family.

[AnaidAaron 42]

17 hours ago, mushroomspore said:

 

However, my advice is to not let these negative feelings stop you from enjoying your life with your fiance. Your parents were your age once and newly engaged and newly married too. They most likely went through the same feelings you are going through now with their own parents. This struggle is just part of growing further into adulthood. Your fiance is your family now. Your parents and siblings know you love them and just because you're engaged doesn't mean they think you're going to abandon them. =) Hope this was helpful.

So beautifully put! 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

My family reject my relationship with my fiance. I have a guilt when I need to choose between my family and my fiance. I closed to my family before and it is such a difficult decision to made. I need to move out once i made that decision. When I first move out, non of my family member contacted me. I'm all alone. The day I fly to States, none of my family member send me to the airport. My youngest sister did texted me on that day. She is the only one who still keep a contact with me. Is it easy? Nope... Did I feel guilty by choosing my fiance and leaving my family? Yes. Did I regret my choice? Nope. Did I feel homesick or sad? Yes, I cried a lot while waiting for the flight to States before. I cried when I'm here too. It is not an easy journey. But, that is what I'm willing to take since the day i entered this relationship. 

[lauragp91 31]

I relate so much to your post! I'm Colombian and here it is common for people to live with their parents until they get married, and even then when you move out it's usually only a few blocks away. My family is very close (including aunts/uncles, cousins, grandparents) and we're there for every event in the family life. I've had a lot of mixed feelings, because I'm really excited to start my new life with my soon to be hubby but I also don't want my family to think that I'm abandoning them. I also feel bad when the sadness hits me and I cry in front of my fiance because I don't want him to think that I'm not happy for this new stage in our lives. The one thing that gets me through is knowing that my family loves me, and seeing me happy makes them happy. I know that as hard as it's going to be for all of us, in the end we'll make it work because the love we have for each other is stronger than the distance. 

[TBoneTX 45,865]

Thread is moved from the K-1 Process forum to General Immigration Discussion -- topic can apply to more than one process.

[Muffinji 43]

I feel the same too because I know my parents especially even got multiple condo units in a condominium with the idea that in the future they can stay nearby with me and my brother. However, their rather independent daughter (me) had other plans in life... I’m fortunate that despite their reluctance, they accepted my relationship and gave their blessing, took them some time to realize it’s not a ‘temporary thing’. (Probably my first year dating they were secretly hoping I would break up soon).

Most of the time I’m more concerned/ worried about what would happen to them when they get older and I won’t be around to help take care of them if anything happens to them. Guilt that I can’t do my ‘filial’ duties. 

Even discussed options for my husband to move over instead but things would be harder due to weird immigration laws here where my husband might not even get his permanent residence after like 5 yrs here, so we decided for me to move over. 

Though for now, as I just started my CR-1 application so I’m trying my best to spend as much time as possible with them now till when I leave. 

And also, I have plans to try to come back for visits at least once a year or have them come over for a visit & holiday. 

As well as making sure I have funds on standby/ saved so that if I ever have any family emergency back home I can use it to get tickets.

Also having talked with my husband about it / explaining to him how it’s almost like He is ‘stealing’ me away from family, he is more understanding and also encourages me to spend time with them while I can and is fine with having them over for visit/ holidays. 

Having my husband to understand my feelings helped a little  

 

Though, I know when I’m over in USA for visit and they start sharing about what is happening back at home in our family chats, I do feel left out.

For that, I have plans that if it’s for some local or cultural celebration, you can try to celebrate it with your new family in USA too and share how you celebrate it with your family back home! 

Hope what I have experienced and plan to do when I finally immigrate will help you with what you feel  

 

 

[bakphx1 789]

As my husband's day to come to the states got closer he became sadder about leaving.  After four months he misses them, some days are harder than others.  Especially if he sees someone that likes like someone he was close to at home, or any memory trigger.  

 

He enjoys many things about the USA and only wishes he could have family visit freely.  

 

He does like picking out presents to take back in the meantime.  That seems to help keep a connection and remind him he will visit soon. 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

I'm the USC in my situation, but I can assure you that you are not alone, from a beneficiary front. Anyone who is close at all to their family is going to feel some kind of way about moving so far away from them.

 

My fiancé has lived abroad before in the past, for several years, and has always had the travel bug. Even with his history in travel, he is sad about leaving. Now that it's just a few short weeks away from him coming here for good, I can tell it's moved more to the forefront of his mind and his heart. He's focused a lot on spending time with everyone before he's gone. We've had this conversation many times - the possibility of resentment or bitterness for "choosing" me over his family by coming here. I've made it clear from the beginning that I don't want us making any decisions that we are not both 110% willing and happy to make. He's made it clear that he has no reservations, and explained it this way: Your family is your family no matter how close or far apart you are, geographically. The bond and love you have between you will not deteriorate if you don't want it to. They will always be there, whether it's a phone call, car ride, or plane ride away. Fortunately, technology makes keeping in touch long distance so much easier these days. Take advantage of that! And as long as you have the means to do so, I'd say visit home as often as you'd like.

 

My fiancé worries about his parents being older now and has that fear of something happening and he can't just be there right away. I would feel the same way, and having them as my future in-laws, I feel the same myself. As his partner, it's my responsibility to not negate those emotions and know he has my support if, God forbid, something were to happen and he needed to fly back to Sweden for whatever reason, whether it's with me or without. I encourage those conversations with your partner, particularly when there isn't a reason to because it's easier to have non-biased, open communication about it when there isn't an actual emergency of some kind looming over your heads, or in the near future. Always be on the same page so that if something ever happens, you both know what to do. That peace helps a lot. XOXO

[Unlockable 7,315]

When I read and hear these stories I get a sense that there is another underlying emotional feeling that occurs when a person migrates to the US. It is a form of survivor's remorse or guilt. Many come to American and start living a better lifestyle than they had in their home country. I think that it is why it bothers most that their family can't even visit for a brief period to enjoy the "spoils" that American has to offer.

 

The first year my wife was here her country, the DR, had a bad heatwave and the government had rolling black outs in sectors of the country. People had no way of cooling themselves inside their homes. My wife's family would send her messages about how they couldn't bear the heat and would go to sit in a nearby river or sit in a mall with AC to cool off. Meanwhile, my wife would be at home relaxing on the couch in the AC with her favorite snacks and flipping through channels. She felt bad and even told me how she felt she should be doing something to help them.

[Lemonslice 4,947]

9 hours ago, NuestraUnion said:

When I read and hear these stories I get a sense that there is another underlying emotional feeling that occurs when a person migrates to the US. It is a form of survivor's remorse or guilt. Many come to American and start living a better lifestyle than they had in their home country. I think that it is why it bothers most that their family can't even visit for a brief period to enjoy the "spoils" that American has to offer.

 

The first year my wife was here her country, the DR, had a bad heatwave and the government had rolling black outs in sectors of the country. People had no way of cooling themselves inside their homes. My wife's family would send her messages about how they couldn't bear the heat and would go to sit in a nearby river or sit in a mall with AC to cool off. Meanwhile, my wife would be at home relaxing on the couch in the AC with her favorite snacks and flipping through channels. She felt bad and even told me how she felt she should be doing something to help them.

OP is from Canada - for many Canadians, it is actually the opposite, they have are going to have to get used to a lower quality of life in the USA.

[Nevad@ 26]

I almost feel like a weirdo for not having any guilt for planning (still several months to go) to move. My philosophy is-  we are all supposed to move out of our parents house one day and have our own families. It is natural, it is what almost everyone goes through, and it is what our parents have gone through as well. Maybe it is just me being super independent, but... no guilt. Does not mean I don't love my family or that i'm not close with them, i just know it is my life, and I do what I feel is right for me.