Making the Transition as Easy As Possible to Avoid Homesickness

[ADAngel 40]

3 hours ago, SusieQQQ said:

Just to add - those are great suggestions, but it doesn’t have to be something he knows already, and it doesn’t need to be as formal as a league. Especially if he has time on his hands to start with, if he’s never done something before this might be a good time to start. My local gym has pick up basketball - for all levels. Sure it’s unusual to find adults in the US who are total beginners at basketball but people are generally friendly, without a “league”as such people are more open to including beginners, and it’s a good way to meet people. I also know a bunch of guys who all met each other at the local climbing gym (combination of experienced climbers and newbies) and now they go climbing out in the real world together.  Just a couple of examples.

This might seem a bit odd but I was thinking of having us join my parents on their every other Saturday bowling league  he likes to bowl and I think it would be fun. 

 

2 hours ago, Dutchster said:

My husband would take me to the nearest Walmart, just so I could walk around, be around people and stay sane lol. He really took every free time to take me anywhere I wanted to go, and I appreciated that SO much. 

That's something I'm definitely willing to do. I love driving and I haven't been able to do it much here so it would be a nice change to be able to drive HIM everywhere. 

 

1 hour ago, TexasHeartsIndia said:

People don't realize how fast they speak or how many slang words they use, so I usually have to step in and rephrase for him. YouTube videos about American English (both slang and pronunciation) helped him a lot. 

This is something I have to do with my best friend (talks really fast) and my grandpa (really thick southern accent) occasionally. I feel bad but I'm hoping he'll get the hang of it. 

 

1 hour ago, TexasHeartsIndia said:

Also, don't be afraid to push his comfort zone from time-to-time. My husband is currently at a job fair but he wanted me to go in the room with him and help him find his way. I refused. Sometimes you gotta push the baby bird out of the nest! There's definitely a fine line between patience and allowing your loved one a little too much dependence. Everyone is different, so just pay attention to your husband's body language and moods and trust your instinct. 

 

We found a local Indian association. It's nice to see him talking in a language that is more familiar to him and talking about a culture he understands better. 

 

As many others mentioned, he talks to his family often, especially while I am away at work. Be sure to find a cell carrier or package deal that will give you cheap international calling. We use Mint wireless and the international calls are super cheap. Of course there is always WhatsApp and Skype, if his family have those apps. 

 

From time-to-time, I sit down with my husband, look him in the eye, and say, "How are you doing? What do you need?" He usually says he's fine, but I make sure he understands that I am aware that this is a unique and sometimes challenging situation and that I am supportive of whatever he needs. My husband doesn't like to worry me, but I do my part of letting him know I care. Just casual dinner conversations, "How was your day?" aren't sufficient. 

 

If you and your husband are religious, finding a church community that is supportive is helpful too. My husband and I attend a church right around the corner from the apartment and he has the opportunity to meet people from the neighborhood, which is great. 

 

I wish you two the best!

You sound like a very caring and attentive wife, I'm sure your husband has had a much easier time with you looking after him.  I will keep that in mind as we have found that we can both be a bit enabling for each other sometimes.  Most of his family has whatsapp and the ones that don't - we'll make sure to set them up with it before we go. Thank you for the tips  

[yuna628 9,713]

23 hours ago, ADAngel said:

Hi everyone, hope y'all are doing well.

 

I'm not sure whether or not I'm allowed to post this here as it's a bit of a rant but I'm really hoping to get some feedback and advice. I'm currently living in the UK with my fiance and we are preparing to move back to the USA (most likely around October as we can't leave before I finish and turn in my dissertation). I sort of know what my fiance is going to have to go through when he moves, as this is my third time living abroad, but I've always been the adventurous type so I don't get homesick very often.

However, my fiance is quite the opposite. He already made a big move when he moved from his hometown to where we're living now, which is about 2 hours away, to be with me. Even though we're only two hours away we can't afford to make trips back very often and he's had a few small bouts of homesickness. Which of course really worries me. I'm afraid how moving to the US is going to affect him emotionally. When I talk to him about it he always responds with "As long as I'm with you, I'll be happy, it doesn't matter where we live." but I can't help but think he's trying to be strong so I don't worry about him (I'm a bit of a worry wart).

When we move back to the states we will be living with my parents until I get confirmation of my degree certification and I get my security clearance, etc. So I'm hoping that that will make things a bit easier. My step dad absolutely adores him and my fiance loves my parents as well, but I can also see how it might make him miss his family (We lived with his dad for almost 2 months last year, so I can see where it might go either way). He knows most of my friends but other than that he's not going to know anyone in the US. It's really hard for me to relate here because even though I didn't know anyone but him coming here, I'm very introverted and not having friends close by has never bothered me, he is very outgoing and hangs out with his friends all of the time (when we can make it over to his home town). So I guess I'm just afraid that he's going to get really lonely...

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to prepare myself for the move back to the US. I know that him getting homesick is inevitable but I want to make the transition as smooth and easy as I possibly can for him. I love him to pieces and it's going to be really hard to see him upset or homesick because of me. Is there anything that I can do to make things easier for him? Any activities or stores I can take him to or anything like that? I know there's no fix all to help him transition but as I said, I want to do as much as I can. 

I'd love to hear any personal stories about homesickness and what you or your petitioner did to help.

 

Have a great day. 

Thanks. 

Like your fiancé, my husband always said ''as long as I'm with you'' during our discussions of roughly the same topic. I said I never wanted him to regret leaving his home. It was a lot to ask. He had a job, future academia potential, family, friends, a dog, and his country we both dearly loved. He gave all that up for me, and sometimes that was more difficult for me to accept than him to give. The hardest thing after he arrived and waiting for his green card started out slowly... first it was the inability to work, then it was the fact he felt like employers did not want him. That was difficult... really difficult for him then. I went into full encouragement mode, sometimes a little too much, which can have the opposite effect. I'm the worrier, and he's not... so if I worry too much about him, he gets annoyed. Then he lost his grandmother and his aunt, all in the space of a few months... and then we lost our beloved pet. It hit him hard then... He chats with his best friend every day, but his parents chat less frequently (they're just not the sort to be clingy). That's when I noticed things were getting too difficult for him to deal with internally without projecting the stress and homesickness. And that's normal really. I started trying to be supportive but not smothering, and found ways to keep him busy. He went back to working on a project he'd had during university and reprogrammed the entire thing, then we built a computer game together, we went on trips, and worked on our hobbies. He already knew how to drive so that also helped quite a bit. And we found a few hangouts nearby that serve true british food (none of that knockoff stuff).

 

I know he misses home. He'll always miss it. Brexit made him furious for a while, so maybe not so much as he used to. But his parents came to visit and that brought his spirits up. They send chocolate care packages for him every few months, and now that he's working he has so many friends and gets the attention because of the accent. But the truth is we both miss his home, and we have to just accept that, and I think once we get his 10yr card, we'll spend some time visiting. You just can't beat grabbing some chips and taking a walk to the coast and sitting there staring at the lush green earth as it falls away past the cliffs and into the sea.

 

Btw, if you move to DC if you head well into VA, on the border near the bridge to get to the beach, there's a wonderful british shop there. I hear tell they sell the real sausages. There is also The Alibi on 2nd street in DC that has got sausage rolls, pub food, and scotch eggs. I can also vouch for Extra Perks in Alexandria which does full English food with good quality sausages. You've also got options in Detroit, lot of good pubs serving authentic food.

 

 

[doggieandsam 765]

58 minutes ago, yuna628 said:

The hardest thing after he arrived and waiting for his green card started out slowly... first it was the inability to work, then it was the fact he felt like employers did not want him. That was difficult... really difficult for him then. I went into full encouragement mode, sometimes a little too much, which can have the opposite effect.

THIS! Sometimes, even if you try to stay strong, too many rejections can get you down! my husband tries to be supportive and encouraging too, but sometimes you just need to talk to somebody else who is feeling / going through the same experience.

[ADAngel 40]

3 hours ago, yuna628 said:

Btw, if you move to DC if you head well into VA, on the border near the bridge to get to the beach, there's a wonderful british shop there. I hear tell they sell the real sausages. There is also The Alibi on 2nd street in DC that has got sausage rolls, pub food, and scotch eggs. I can also vouch for Extra Perks in Alexandria which does full English food with good quality sausages. You've also got options in Detroit, lot of good pubs serving authentic food.

Thank you so much for sharing your personal experience. I think we are both going to miss it here, but unfortunately with my career we don't really have a choice but to head back to the US if I want a job in my field. I'm glad to hear that things are getting easier for you both! Also thanks for the recommendations! DC is pretty much guaranteed so we will definitely check those places out.  Thank you! I've been to a few pubs in Detroit but so far haven't found one that's super authentic.  I'll have to keep looking. 

[NikLR 13,232]

6 hours ago, ADAngel said:

No, we're not doing DCF. Yes everyone says that's what we should have done but we did a lot of research before picking a visa and K1 was the one we decided on for multiple reasons. It was the best option for us even though other people love to tell me that it was a bad idea.  I didn't mention it because I didn't think that it was relevant. 

 

Thankfully ( I think) he hates the doctors so I don't think that's something he'll miss  I'm hoping that it will get easier for him over time. He's pretty resilient I just want to make sure I'm doing as much as I can to make it easier for him. 

I don't particularly like the doctor either.  But when you have to think about how much it will cost before you go, it makes you even less likely to do so.  As a result I find I have more co-workers that are sick than I ever have before in my life.  

 

Whatever visa is right for you... I think you're bananas but it's not my life!   I'm also very independent and being able to travel was a requirement for me. 

[SusieQQQ 11,587]

On 3/28/2018 at 11:41 AM, yuna628 said:

 

 

Btw, if you move to DC if you head well into VA, on the border near the bridge to get to the beach, there's a wonderful british shop there. I hear tell they sell the real sausages. There is also The Alibi on 2nd street in DC that has got sausage rolls, pub food, and scotch eggs. I can also vouch for Extra Perks in Alexandria which does full English food with good quality sausages. You've also got options in Detroit, lot of good pubs serving authentic food.

 

 

I missed the bit about DC, there are also a few Nandos in the area (most brits seem to think it’s  British and it reminds them of home too  )

[doggieandsam 765]

43 minutes ago, SusieQQQ said:

I missed the bit about DC, there are also a few Nandos in the area (most brits seem to think it’s  British and it reminds them of home too  )

i love Nandos. 

[pajobra 1,395]

I honestly wish I had read the VJ forums before we decided on the K-1. This waiting for EAD is killing me.  I just applied for AP now because my Grandfather is ill. As for homesickness, yeah I have it pretty bad. Some days are good and some days are bad. I know if I could work it would help immensely. I do volunteer once sometimes twice a week at the local library and that does help. My husband and I do go out once a month to a friends house for games an potluck. But what I miss most is my family. Family is so important to me. My 12 year old niece does message her Auntie from time to time which is nice. I don't expect it considering she is going on 30. My Mum is hoping to come down for a few days at the end of this month. I sure hope so cause I miss her like crazy. She apparently misses me like crazy too. We lived together for 2.5 years before I moved here. I also feel like a freeloader as someone else stated. lol My husband says I am not cause I do all the cooking and cleaning. lol

 

Ha speaking about the chocolate. I had a discussion with my husband on how Canadian/European chocolate was far superior to what Americans called chocolate. He was like really. When I visited a year ago I gave some Canadian chocolate to my friend in Denver and now she wants my Mum to bring Canadian Kit kats. HAHAHA But here I sit with my inferior hershey's milk chocolate eggs that my husband gave me for Easter. They are alright but so not the same as a nice Cadbury Dairy milk bar. mmmmm

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

On 3/27/2018 at 11:28 AM, Unidentified said:

I agree it is great that you are thinking about this before you're moving so that both of you can prepare. I don't think (at least for me) homesickness ever really goes away but it's definitely manageable. Don't get me wrong I love the US and I love to live my life with my husband. But it's not Sweden where I have my family and where they get lots of snow and I don't... Honestly, winter time for me is the hardest because we live in Virginia where if we're lucky we get snow for half a day and right now Sweden has an incredible amount of snow...  Sure someone is probably going to come here and say "well, you could move to Minnesota or someplace similar..." my husband works for the government so we won't be leaving DC for a while.

 

Anyway... I am getting way off topic. The hardest part when you come here on a K1 is that you're not allowed to work until you get either your work permit or your green card. This period is the time when it can get tough if he doesn't keep himself occupied. I recommend making sure (if possible) that he has access to a car or any form of transportation so he can get out and do stuff even if it's just making sure you guys have groceries. For me, feeling like I at least contributed to our household even if it was just doing laundry and getting groceries that made me feel like less of a freeloader. 

 

Keep active, don't get stuck sitting inside watching Netflix (been there, done that not recommended). Do activities together, explore the city/neighborhood. 

 

I think the two of you will do fine because you're already aware that it's going to happen. Good luck!

 

Something to think about since we were talking about this in the other thread is how much purchasing power you have with your current household income in the DC area.

 

Houses in the up here part of MN cost around 75k, but can cost less.  My mother just bought a 2 bed house nearby for 50k.  Incomes are decent especially versus the cost of houses.  

 

We'll send you some Scandinavian thoughts from our somewhat mandatory town-wide smorgasbord this week.  

 

 

 

My thoughts on homesickness and immigration:  Find a place that makes your immigrant spouse happy.  There is pretty much every climate and culture in America, so no excuses.