Making the Transition as Easy As Possible to Avoid Homesickness

[ADAngel 40]

Hi everyone, hope y'all are doing well.

 

I'm not sure whether or not I'm allowed to post this here as it's a bit of a rant but I'm really hoping to get some feedback and advice. I'm currently living in the UK with my fiance and we are preparing to move back to the USA (most likely around October as we can't leave before I finish and turn in my dissertation). I sort of know what my fiance is going to have to go through when he moves, as this is my third time living abroad, but I've always been the adventurous type so I don't get homesick very often.

However, my fiance is quite the opposite. He already made a big move when he moved from his hometown to where we're living now, which is about 2 hours away, to be with me. Even though we're only two hours away we can't afford to make trips back very often and he's had a few small bouts of homesickness. Which of course really worries me. I'm afraid how moving to the US is going to affect him emotionally. When I talk to him about it he always responds with "As long as I'm with you, I'll be happy, it doesn't matter where we live." but I can't help but think he's trying to be strong so I don't worry about him (I'm a bit of a worry wart).

When we move back to the states we will be living with my parents until I get confirmation of my degree certification and I get my security clearance, etc. So I'm hoping that that will make things a bit easier. My step dad absolutely adores him and my fiance loves my parents as well, but I can also see how it might make him miss his family (We lived with his dad for almost 2 months last year, so I can see where it might go either way). He knows most of my friends but other than that he's not going to know anyone in the US. It's really hard for me to relate here because even though I didn't know anyone but him coming here, I'm very introverted and not having friends close by has never bothered me, he is very outgoing and hangs out with his friends all of the time (when we can make it over to his home town). So I guess I'm just afraid that he's going to get really lonely...

 

Anyway, I'm just trying to prepare myself for the move back to the US. I know that him getting homesick is inevitable but I want to make the transition as smooth and easy as I possibly can for him. I love him to pieces and it's going to be really hard to see him upset or homesick because of me. Is there anything that I can do to make things easier for him? Any activities or stores I can take him to or anything like that? I know there's no fix all to help him transition but as I said, I want to do as much as I can. 

I'd love to hear any personal stories about homesickness and what you or your petitioner did to help.

 

Have a great day. 

Thanks. 

[TBoneTX 46,121]

Commendations for thinking about this in advance.

There are a great many fine threads on this topic.

Search "homesick" and "homesickness" for links.

[ADAngel 40]

I worry about it all the time  it's a bit of a curse.

I will look them up, thank you!

[Sunnyland 639]

Being homesick is part of the immigration process. I suffered like a pig. Back then being house all day alone (waiting for my EAD) while hubby was at work made me feel worse. I did a lot of skype with my family EVERY day. Me not being able to drive a car, I was panicked of thinking I had to learn how to drive (in this area you need to have a car). First year I suffered like a pig. After I had my AP I went to visit my family and that made me feel great. When I returned I felt more energy than ever and second year was getting better.

Be very patient. If he misses his family too much, maybe they can visit you guys especially during the wait of EAD/AP/GC. He will not be able to travel abroad until Advance Parole or GC in hand. 

Make him do activities while waiting for AOS to be approved. You need to be very patient for this process not to get the best of you.

[KULtoATL 1,551]

I am the foreign fiancé turned wife. The thing I do most is voice and video call via apps with people back home. That helps me stay close and in touch As for food, well, no decent Malaysian food around here so we always go to one of the more diverse farmers market and buy some Malaysian or South East Asian groceries for me to cook. But again, I adjust easily here and I'm lovin' it. Maybe you guys can look into a Brit society where he could socialize with fellow Brit expats?

[trudi 1,317]

Coming from England bring with you a stash of his favorite sweets and snacks, American chocolate is very different...

Sausages & bacon are very different and I never knew I'd miss sausages or sausage rolls, Cornish pasties lol

Stock up on his usual deodorant, shower gel, shaving gel, razors etc - it's silly but not being able to get what I was used to really bothered me.

 

He'll want to get his driver's license asap so he can get used to being on the wrong side of the car 😁

 

Mostly it takes time, I've found pretty much everyone loves the English accent so that's a bonus

[ADAngel 40]

1 minute ago, Sunnyland said:

Being homesick is part of the immigration process. I suffered like a pig. Back then being house all day alone (waiting for my EAD) while hubby was at work made me feel worse. I did a lot of skype with my family EVERY day. Me not being able to drive a car, I was panicked of thinking I had to learn how to drive (in this area you need to have a car). First year I suffered like a pig. After I had my AP I went to visit my family and that made me feel great. When I returned I felt more energy than ever and second year was getting better.

Be very patient. If he misses his family too much, maybe they can visit you guys especially during the wait of EAD/AP/GC. He will not be able to travel abroad until Advance Parole or GC in hand. 

Make him do activities while waiting for AOS to be approved. You need to be very patient for this process not to get the best of you.

I'm sorry you had such a hard time. My step-dad kept his old car instead of trading it in with a new one so he will be allowed to use that with his international license so maybe that will help.

I forgot about that, you're right. He is an aspiring writer and is hoping that the "time off" will help him work on his book. I just hope that will keep him busy and happy. 

[Unidentified 2,930]

I agree it is great that you are thinking about this before you're moving so that both of you can prepare. I don't think (at least for me) homesickness ever really goes away but it's definitely manageable. Don't get me wrong I love the US and I love to live my life with my husband. But it's not Sweden where I have my family and where they get lots of snow and I don't... Honestly, winter time for me is the hardest because we live in Virginia where if we're lucky we get snow for half a day and right now Sweden has an incredible amount of snow...  Sure someone is probably going to come here and say "well, you could move to Minnesota or someplace similar..." my husband works for the government so we won't be leaving DC for a while.

 

Anyway... I am getting way off topic. The hardest part when you come here on a K1 is that you're not allowed to work until you get either your work permit or your green card. This period is the time when it can get tough if he doesn't keep himself occupied. I recommend making sure (if possible) that he has access to a car or any form of transportation so he can get out and do stuff even if it's just making sure you guys have groceries. For me, feeling like I at least contributed to our household even if it was just doing laundry and getting groceries that made me feel like less of a freeloader. 

 

Keep active, don't get stuck sitting inside watching Netflix (been there, done that not recommended). Do activities together, explore the city/neighborhood. 

 

I think the two of you will do fine because you're already aware that it's going to happen. Good luck!

[Unidentified 2,930]

1 minute ago, trudi said:

Coming from England bring with you a stash of his favorite sweets and snacks, American chocolate is very different...

Sausages & bacon are very different and I never knew I'd miss sausages or sausage rolls, Cornish pasties lol

Stock up on his usual deodorant, shower gel, shaving gel, razors etc - it's silly but not being able to get what I was used to really bothered me.

 

He'll want to get his driver's license asap so he can get used to being on the wrong side of the car 😁

 

Mostly it takes time, I've found pretty much everyone loves the English accent so that's a bonus

 

Yes, super important! Chocolate suck here. First thing on the agenda when you come to the US is finding good European chocolate! Let him know that American candy sucks too (no offense). 

 

I had an Au Pair friend from England who was asked to repeat what she was saying at a Starbucks once. Not because the guy couldn't understand her but because he wanted to hear her talk

[ADAngel 40]

3 minutes ago, trudi said:

Coming from England bring with you a stash of his favorite sweets and snacks, American chocolate is very different...

Sausages & bacon are very different and I never knew I'd miss sausages or sausage rolls, Cornish pasties lol

Stock up on his usual deodorant, shower gel, shaving gel, razors etc - it's silly but not being able to get what I was used to really bothered me.

 

He'll want to get his driver's license asap so he can get used to being on the wrong side of the car 😁

 

Mostly it takes time, I've found pretty much everyone loves the English accent so that's a bonus

I couldn't believe how different the sausage was here! Haha, it's not something I ever really thought about. Thankfully, I got him hooked on an American brand body wash when he came to visit me before I moved here. 

Driving is going to be a huge problem for him I think, he works dotcom for Tesco so all he's done for the past six years is drive! He loves it but I think it's going to be really hard for him to adjust to driving on the wrong side of the road. 

I have to say, it is one of the best accents. 

3 minutes ago, Unidentified said:

I agree it is great that you are thinking about this before you're moving so that both of you can prepare. I don't think (at least for me) homesickness ever really goes away but it's definitely manageable. Don't get me wrong I love the US and I love to live my life with my husband. But it's not Sweden where I have my family and where they get lots of snow and I don't... Honestly, winter time for me is the hardest because we live in Virginia where if we're lucky we get snow for half a day and right now Sweden has an incredible amount of snow...  Sure someone is probably going to come here and say "well, you could move to Minnesota or someplace similar..." my husband works for the government so we won't be leaving DC for a while.

 

Anyway... I am getting way off topic. The hardest part when you come here on a K1 is that you're not allowed to work until you get either your work permit or your green card. This period is the time when it can get tough if he doesn't keep himself occupied. I recommend making sure (if possible) that he has access to a car or any form of transportation so he can get out and do stuff even if it's just making sure you guys have groceries. For me, feeling like I at least contributed to our household even if it was just doing laundry and getting groceries that made me feel like less of a freeloader. 

 

Keep active, don't get stuck sitting inside watching Netflix (been there, done that not recommended). Do activities together, explore the city/neighborhood. 

 

I think the two of you will do fine because you're already aware that it's going to happen. Good luck!

I'm glad you're loving it in the US! We are also going to have to move to DC even though neither of us really wants to. We're hoping that it will be temporary and that I'll be able to get a transfer but it's probably really unlikely..

That's what I'm worried about, he likes to pretend he's not but he's quite the busybody  I'm just worried he'll get complacent and want to stay in all of the time. I guess that's where it's up to me to get him out of the house. 

[ADAngel 40]

3 minutes ago, Unidentified said:

Yes, super important! Chocolate suck here. First thing on the agenda when you come to the US is finding good European chocolate! Let him know that American candy sucks too (no offense). 

 

I had an Au Pair friend from England who was asked to repeat what she was saying at a Starbucks once. Not because the guy couldn't understand her but because he wanted to hear her talk

No offense taken I agree, I looooove British candy. His brother got me a giant box of British candies for Christmas and it was amazing. While we're staying in the U.S. we're going to be about 20 minutes drive (including customs) to Canada so maybe occasionally I'll pop over and get him some good chocolate. (They sell a lot of European brand chocolate) 

[SeabreezeUF 31]

As others have said, it's really great you're thinking about this ahead of time. I had a similar situation but my husband came over on the CR1 so he could work, although we made the mistake of having him work from home at first. He said the same as your fiance- he'd be happy as long as we were together. But it's an adjustment and he was surprised at how much he struggled- moving him from a city to the suburbs really was an unexpected culture shock.  Some things that helped us:

 

• The best thing we did was have him join a co-working space. I know your fiance won't be able to work for awhile with the K1 but you can still join a coworking space and he can use this to work on his writing.  It's a great way to meet people- we now have a very good network of friends here and they were all met through my husband's co-working space. As mentioned, the English accent works wonders! Everyone loves talking to my husband haha
• As Unidentified said, don't let him stay inside watching Netflix! Have him go to cafes to write, maybe join a gym or some type of class. The key is to just get out there.
• Driving license is key. My husband never got past the walk everywhere, drive as little as possible mentality, even though this country is not set up the same way as the UK. We eventually had to move from the suburbs into our little city here so he can walk to shops, restaurants, etc. He just refused to accept anything else, which was frustrating but a compromise we have made that's made us both happier.
• Stock up on the food, like others have said! For us it's Ribena and Digestives but we've actually been finding them locally now too. Whatever he likes, just bring some over.
• We do Sunday roasts as much as possible. Bring some traditions over with you and make the effort to keep them around. It helps and we invite friends to join us.
• Make a return visit as soon as you can. We worried that him going back to visit would make things worse but it did the opposite. He realized that things were good there, but not perfect. He appreciated things about the US that he hadn't realized before going back to visit.
• Get something like BritBox so he can watch familiar shows (but do avoid the Netflix hermit trap!)
• I also have a cat, who now adores my husband. Never underestimate the power of a pet.

 

It will be tough, as you know from moving yourself, but there's always an adjustment period. My husband refused to see the funk he was in but eventually I got through to him and he snapped out of it. You're already on top of that by being aware so you'll both be great. Just don't be discouraged if it's a bit hard at first!

Edited March 27, 2018 by SeabreezeUF

[trudi 1,317]

4 minutes ago, ADAngel said:

I couldn't believe how different the sausage was here! Haha, it's not something I ever really thought about. Thankfully, I got him hooked on an American brand body wash when he came to visit me before I moved here. 

Driving is going to be a huge problem for him I think, he works dotcom for Tesco so all he's done for the past six years is drive! He loves it but I think it's going to be really hard for him to adjust to driving on the wrong side of the road. 

I have to say, it is one of the best accents. 

I'm glad you're loving it in the US! We are also going to have to move to DC even though neither of us really wants to. We're hoping that it will be temporary and that I'll be able to get a transfer but it's probably really unlikely..

That's what I'm worried about, he likes to pretend he's not but he's quite the busybody  I'm just worried he'll get complacent and want to stay in all of the time. I guess that's where it's up to me to get him out of the house. 

Driving on the wrong side of the road was easy, being on the wrong side of the car was harder, I looked over the wrong shoulder when reversing, reached for the seatbelt/door handle/ gear shift etc with the wrong hand - was as confusing as heck 😂

 

Get him practicing writing/saying the date the American way too, it took a full year before my brain got that one!

[Dashinka 24,793]

As others have said, it is good to hear that you are taking an advanced look at what  your significant other will be going through.  I did much the same thing with my wife (fiancé at the time) when she first came over.  We didn’t have an issue with the food, or toiletries since we are both very laid back in those aspects, but it was tough for her when I went back to work.  The first thing we did after she arrived was to get her a phone and get it loaded with Skype and Viber so she could stay connected with the family.  Then we started the driving instructions since she hadn’t driven in many years, we started slow, but she progressed very fast.  We also took many drives around the area to just get familiar, and spent a lot of time with my family and friends here.  Of course we submitted the AOS package as soon as we could after marriage and luckily back then, it was less than six months to get the GC (I have been hearing 4-5months for the AP/EAD now).  Once we got the GC, I asked her when she wanted to go back and visit her mom and son.  That was interesting, she did want to go, but she was not in an absolute rush to do it, so we took a trip back that Summer.  We also got a puppy to help keep her company while I was at work, but otherwise her transition was very smooth.

 

 

[SeabreezeUF 31]

1 minute ago, trudi said:

Driving on the wrong side of the road was easy, being on the wrong side of the car was harder, I looked over the wrong shoulder when reversing, reached for the seatbelt/door handle/ gear shift etc with the wrong hand - was as confusing as heck 😂

 

Get him practicing writing/saying the date the American way too, it took a full year before my brain got that one!

We both try to date things  27 Mar 18 as much as possible because man, different date systems is unexpectedly annoying! I did that when I lived in England too.