Need advice please- extremely unhappy wife & stepdaughter

[Boiler 45,575]

7 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

For once,  this is why I think there is two sides to this story and you cry wolf while not exactly being a great guy yourself. You emphasize your daughter being lazy - do you not know - it’s cultural for Russians not to work after graduating from college and enjoying your college years ? Try to be culturally open and receptive to other cultures - that’s not being lazy, that’s the norm for someone.

 

Just because American culture teaches us that we should be working like slaves starting from age 16 ( I worked started at age 16 and then eventually 3 part time jobs to put myself through college ) doesn’t mean that’s a norm for others, Europe whether eastern or western has a different culture when it comes to working in general. My niece who lives in Russia doesn’t plan on working either until graduating from college and that’s a standard. 

I am from the UK not Europe, now that is something my Brother did many decades ago, certainly not current unless you can rely on the Bank of Mum and Dad. Russia I do not know.

 

Boiler

VJ Supreme Member

 

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

46 minutes ago, durden2128 said:

I always wanted to have this picturesque beautiful wife and daughter, 

As much as I’ve criticized them in previous posts I absolutely have to say Nora Johnson has a point if this really is the totality of the dream you had.

 

39 minutes ago, Boiler said:

To be fair you both bought into a dream and not reality.

Yup

13 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

- do you not know - it’s cultural for Russians not to work after graduating from college and enjoying your college years ? Try to be culturally open and receptive to other cultures - that’s not being lazy, that’s the norm for someone.

 

Just because American culture teaches us that we should be working like slaves starting from age 16 ( I worked started at age 16 and then eventually 3 part time jobs to put myself through college ) doesn’t mean that’s a norm for others, Europe whether eastern or western has a different culture when it comes to working in general. My niece who lives in Russia doesn’t plan on working either until graduating from college and that’s a standard. 

Immigration is all about adapting to new cultures. Being open to another’s culture is one thing, if you choose to move another country you need to accept that they have a culture that you need to be open to, too, and that you won’t settle if you keep wanting things the old way. If she wants to remain doing Russian cultural things she needs to remain in Russia. If she wants to live in the US, then she’s the one who needs to adapt...particularly if she’s nagging OP for not spending money on her.  If he wanted to move to Russia then he would be the one who had to adapt to not letting her work.

The US in particular has been successful in absorbing immigrants over the past couple of centuries precisely because the system here works to integrate them.

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

2 hours ago, Roel said:

 

I'd be with my husband even if we'd be forced to live with his entire family and on the trailer park. As long as couple love each other, you can easily go through everything. :/

 

I wouldn't and likewise for him.  Have you ever lived with your in-laws?  My husband did for a year and I can tell you that it put an immense strain on our marriage.  Heck, even just living with my own mother makes me want to scream and pull my hair out.  

 

Love doesn't easily get you through a lot of things in a marriage.  You know what does?  Perseverance, struggle, and a serious dedication to the commitment of marriage.   A fair number of marriages don't have that and it isn't a lack of love that leads to their demise.

[Maria1989 403]

3 hours ago, Nora Johnson said:

So let me get this straight:

 

You brought over a beautiful educated woman with master’s degree who would probably be aside from the fact that she is an immigrant otherwise totally outside of your league and you are baffled and frustrated that she doesn’t want to work as a house cleaner ? 

 

She comes from a second world country - but nevertheless she was probably white collar status with her accounting degree, now besides dealing with pressures of acclimating to new country, new language and new environment you want her to work a manual job like a high school drop out  ? Your sister OWNS her company, so it’s different for her - it’s her small business, and she’s invested being a business owner - for your wife to move here and then expected to immediately work as a house cleaner with her years of education  - I’d be pretty frustrated with you too. 

 

Living with in laws is another diffeeent story, she already is crawling out of her skin being in a new environment and then probably has your parents judging her every move.

 

I would do both a favor and send them both back so they can start a new life. Im sure once you are single and rid of them - skinny local supermodel looking women (20/10s) with technical masters degrees from acclaimed universities will be lining up to live in a small town in Alabama with no car in your parents house by the dozens. Oh wait, the average size for a woman in Alabama is what 16? 

What makes you think some women aren’t. Then if you read your statement it’s basically she wanted you for a green card deal with it. My question is, if she was so well to do with her technical Masters Degree, why can’t she contribute to the household while he is in this rut. The average size of woman is a size 16. So a size 16 is unacceptable. 

 

So since ahe totallybout his league, he should get rid of her because she is out his league and using him. 

 

So again, send her and her child back !!!!

[Lemonslice 4,859]

29 minutes ago, Maria1989 said:

What makes you think some women aren’t. Then if you read your statement it’s basically she wanted you for a green card deal with it. My question is, if she was so well to do with her technical Masters Degree, why can’t she contribute to the household while he is in this rut. The average size of woman is a size 16. So a size 16 is unacceptable. 

 

So since ahe totallybout his league, he should get rid of her because she is out his league and using him. 

 

So again, send her and her child back !!!!

She's currently not authorized to work...

[TBoneTX 45,361]

The poster might have been referring to savings.

[Nora Johnson 28]

31 minutes ago, TBoneTX said:

The poster might have been referring to savings.

What savings would you expect from a woman coming from a country where an average salary is 300$ a month ? So you think the woman should sell her condo to “ contribute “ but you find this normal that a grown up man owns no property to his name and expects his wife to sell her premarital property ?  

 

First, as a person who went through immigration myself I dare you to move to move to another developed country with its own language, unique cultural heritage and traditions  like let’s say France and start working so you can “contribute”. Let’s see what job you can get and what amazing career accomplishments you can achieve in a  mater of months without speaking any language.  I’m sure potential employers would be thrilled to hire a person with 0 local job experience and mediocre language skills for a high powered position or even an office job. The fact that someone even has an audacity to say “ why can’t she contribute “ just shows how ignorant you are of the whole process. 

 

 

 

[Maria1989 403]

13 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

What savings would you expect from a woman coming from a country where an average salary is 300$ a month ? So you think the woman should sell her condo to “ contribute “ but you find this normal that a grown up man owns no property to his name and expects his wife to sell her premarital property ?  

 

First, as a person who went through immigration myself I dare you to move to move to another developed country with its own language, unique cultural heritage and traditions  like let’s say France and start working so you can “contribute”. Let’s see what job you can get and what amazing career accomplishments you can achieve in a  mater of months without speaking any language.  I’m sure potential employers would be thrilled to hire a person with 0 local job experience and mediocre language skills for a high powered position or even an office job. The fact that someone even has an audacity to say “ why can’t she contribute “ just shows how ignorant you are of the whole process. 

 

 

 

I’m not ignorant to the whole process. You said average salary? She owns two apartments and has a Masters Degree making her not “average”. 

 

How dare I, (insert laughter) I in fact ...... while you make assumptions, did. And while my fiancé was not working I paid our living expenses because as her I was not “average”, I owned property and I have college degrees, with an “s” meaning more than one. 

 

Whether he owns property or not, he was able to meet the guidelines to sponsor her and her daughter and immediately pay for $2000 of dental work for her daughter. In fact, yes I do find it normal, a lot of American men rent until they marry and have a family, so yes that is normal. 

 

What I don’t find normal is for a woman to propose to leave her daughter with a man she recently married and move to another continent, what I also don’t find normal is for a woman to want to take expensive trips and have shopping sprees when she knows the household is suffering financially. That’s what I don’t find normal. 

 

I myself have the the audacity to say it, because I did it, and I knocked it put the park. My kids live very comfortably no matter what continent I’m on, because that’s the kind of woman and mother I am. I’m college education and would scrub floors in a family business before I sit back and cry. Yep I have the audacity, I sure do.

 

FACTS !!!

[Maria1989 403]

1 hour ago, TBoneTX said:

The poster might have been referring to savings.

Yes I was referring to savings,  retirement accounts, CDs, she has two apartments in Russia, why not sale one. I was referring to have having any assets to assist in the family’s hardships since she married the man and brought a dependent along, and regardless to what paper says she is morally obligated to support her own child.

 

As has been noted she has a Masters Degree and had two properties in Russia meaning she has some finances somewhere. Ummmmm, where is personal responsibility in this scenario.

[Boiler 45,575]

4 minutes ago, Maria1989 said:

Ummmmm, where is personal responsibility in this scenario.

Left in Russia?

 

Boiler

 

VJ Supreme Member

[Maria1989 403]

1 hour ago, Boiler said:

Left in Russia?

 

Boiler

 

VJ Supreme Member

Agreed !!!! 

[JSWH 262]

On 3/19/2018 at 10:39 AM, durden2128 said:

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house.

 

2

OP, perhaps, I'm too late, but  I would like to add my two cents.
First of all, I'm amazed at how quickly some VJ members jump to conclusions and how eagerly they give advice like "send them back." People are not purchases from Amazon that you don't like, they can't be just "sent back." It is flat out inhuman to say things like that.
Second, it is disheartening to see that the concept of "cultural humility" is so foreign even among immigrants and those who have immigrant spouses. The demands for new immigrants about quick and fully assimilation immediately after moving to the US are unreasonable and unrealistic for the majority of us. Acculturation is a long and painful process. Some it takes months, some spend years trying to adjust to their new country. Most immigrants go through severe mental challenges and need help with their adjustment. Guys, please be kind to each other!

OP, I believe I can understand what your wife is going through right now. I can relate to her low self-esteem and her anxiety regarding her limited English proficiency. It is normal but, at the moment, she might be not able to understand that due to her depression. Acquiring English skills as an adult is a slow process indeed, it takes patience and perseverance. However, it's entirely doable. I'm 45 now, and as you can see my English isn't perfect. Nevertheless, two years ago I couldn't write in English. Currently, I am enrolled in a Master's program in a big university and am doing well. Ever since I moved here, I struggled, cried, and questioned myself a lot. But I am fortunate to have my amazing husband by my side, who never gets tired of reminding me how smart I am and how much he believes in me. Marriage is a team project. It is a long project. 

During past ten months, I learned a lot about coping with a culture shock. Should your wife wish to talk to someone who had the same experience, please PM me.

 

I sincerely wish the best to both of you. 

Edited March 21, 2018 by JSWH

[geowrian 22,337]

In general, comments specific to a thread should remain in the thread so that 1) others in similar circumstances can read them later, and 2) any information can be peer reviewed.

Edited March 21, 2018 by geowrian

[TBoneTX 45,361]

Multiple bickering/assaultive posts have been removed, including several by two suspected sock-puppet accounts, along with posts quoting the removed material.

 

Initial administrative action has been applied.

 

This topic is now locked, because the OP has received ample food for thought and because the discussion has degenerated beyond redemption.  Do not restart this topic.

 

TBoneTX

VJ Moderation