Need advice please- extremely unhappy wife & stepdaughter

[AnnaMBoros 28]

23 hours ago, durden2128 said:

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house. I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. I was owed $5,000 from my prior job and my company dissolved so I never received that money which I desperately needed. I have spent over $2k on un planned dental work just for my step daughter alone, and because of all these expenses we moved in with my parents who have a really large house. Yet they despise living here and despise me- even though it's temporary and I've already spent Thousands on immigration fees and both their Green cards.  One wants to return immediately to Russia and forget I exist and the stepdaughter HATES Russia and refuses to return and insists she will miss a year of school and refuses to return to school if I buy them flights back home. I dont know what to do. I take them to the beach frequently, I signed them both up for ESL classes with other foreigners, we do fun things together and as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city and dont care about the high crime in public schools and the insane cost of private schools. Even though my stepdaughter is currently attending the #2 public school in the state and its so close to my parents she can walk there every morning. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated. I cant eat or sleep and I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. I have anxiety issues and this honestly makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien

Hi. I just read your post and I just would like to encourage you with the following:

1/ Cultural shock is normal. It will take time for them to adjust, you just have to give them time and love them through it. 

2/ Loving them through it does not mean that  you will allow your wife to disrespect you. Maybe you feel insecure, or " not enough of a man" because of your financial situation, but that is a lie. Your worth doesn't come from what you have or don't have. Your life is a miracle and you are deeply loved by God  You need to establish the power dynamics and borders in your relationship, it is called "tough love".Did you even tell her simple thing such as "I don't' want you to speak to me like this"?

3/ Many problems in our lives have deep spiritual roots, and the only way that we can get rid of them are by accepting Jesus as your Lord and Savior and heal through His love. SIgn up for a local "12 step group" (e.g.https://www.christian12step.org/)  where they can help you and your family with hurts (anxiety, depression), hangups and bad habits. No pill in the world will help you resolve those deep hurts that at the end of the day we all carry in our hearts and souls. Your wife desires to be a part of community, belong...maybe she is watching Kardashians because  it temporarily fills in that void, but then she feels empty again. Get plugged in a  local church and start making healthy relationship in the community there and God will heal you through them, maybe you will even meet someone who will offer you good employment there.

Me and my husband are praying for your family and wish you all the best. God bless you.

[jyaku 138]

21 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

That’s brought on by reading multiple judgemental messages bashing this poor woman who is expected to be batshit happy at a prospect of living with in laws “ temporarily “ ( how long has it been by the way ?!) and working as a housecleaner for a sisters company - I think I’d stay in bed and cry too if those were my proespecfs. 

 

She isn't poor by any means from what OP said. That's why she thinks Russia is an upgrade and Alabama a downgrade.

 

Seems to me.. she isn't in distress, she causes distress.

[Nora Johnson 28]

17 minutes ago, SusieQQQ said:

At least we agree that he should send the wife and stepdaughter back.

 

by the way read what you wrote above, you really do seem to be obsessed with looks, who cares if the Thai wife is beautiful if she won’t support him through his hardship? 

 

 

I’m not obsessed with looks, the original poster mentions it several times so he clearly is and it clearly factored into his decision to marry this woman he doesn’t seem to have much in common with in terms of emotional connection and hobbies since he bashes her for watching Trash TV and etc. 

 

Speaking of looks, I don’t think it’s healthy or natural for a 20 yo chick to be married to a morbidly obese 48 year old man like David from 90 day fiancé. Otherwise, we’d see those couples all day every day in our regular life. 

 

The OP probably brought a woman who was outside  of his league “ he wondered how someone so beautiful could be single “ and is now bashing her when it was clearly contractual - not wife in exchange for a comfortable life. 

[Roel 7,192]

No one forced that woman to marry him if she thought he's "out of her league". No one forced her to move, even though she knew about husband's financial situation.

 

Anyway, do you think she moved there for a house and money or to be with her husband, hm?

I'd be with my husband even if we'd be forced to live with his entire family and on the trailer park. As long as couple love each other, you can easily go through everything. :/

[jyaku 138]

32 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

 

I have no obsession with supermodels - I simply used the term to exaggerate how ridiculous OP expectations are in regards to his wife - reminds me of David from 90 day fiancé who is a total loser but expects his beautiful Thai wife who is his daughters To be by his side through his “financial hardship”. He seems to have obsession with looks - he mentions them multiple times in his posts - so I just simply said send the wife back and see how well you do with local hotties. 

 

LOL!  if anyone asks you to take care of them and shower them with money.. you say.. NO!

 

no argument, no explanation just NO!

[jyaku 138]

10 minutes ago, Roel said:

No one forced that woman to marry him if she thought he's "out of her league". No one forced her to move, even though she knew about husband's financial situation.

 

Anyway, do you think she moved there for a house and money or to be with her husband, hm?

I'd be with my husband even if we'd be forced to live with his entire family and on the trailer park. As long as couple love each other, you can easily go through everything. :/

Agreed but I don't think its love as much as she thought it was a financial upgrade.

 

And the OP seems to have made 1 mistake.. he didn't live with her on an extended period to find out her habits and personality and see if they compatible first. But that's a common mistake.

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

24 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

I’m not obsessed with looks, the original poster mentions it several times so he clearly is and it clearly factored into his decision to marry this woman he doesn’t seem to have much in common with in terms of emotional connection and hobbies since he bashes her for watching Trash TV and etc. 

 

Speaking of looks, I don’t think it’s healthy or natural for a 20 yo chick to be married to a morbidly obese 48 year old man like David from 90 day fiancé. Otherwise, we’d see those couples all day every day in our regular life. 

 

The OP probably brought a woman who was outside  of his league “ he wondered how someone so beautiful could be single “ and is now bashing her when it was clearly contractual - not wife in exchange for a comfortable life. 

I’m not sure whether you are more obsessed with looks or TV. I’ve never watched 90 day fiancé, but like any reality show I’m sure it’s very far from portraying everyday real life. But you keep on referring to it like it’s the last word in proof on anything.  And your comments about people being “out of someone’s league” totally focus on looks, which you justify by saying OP does you but clearly you think the same way. I wonder who you felt you were downgrading for that you take this all so personally and from one particular angle.

 

Yup would agree contractual except that she insisted on coming sooner even though he had just lost his job and told her he was in dire straits. Do her good looks also justify her ignoring that and threatening to break up with him if he waited till he was back on his feet and now complaining about it? Is he supposed to put up with anything and everything because she’s pretty (now, not forever if he can’t afford plastic surgery), or can you accept that part of her bargain should be to actually be nice to her bank account?  Of course even if the contract is fulfilled with plenty of money, the pretty foreigner will not necessarily be happy anyway #freemelania 

Edited March 20, 2018 by SusieQQQ

[geowrian 22,337]

1 hour ago, Nora Johnson said:

The fact that he had to marry and bring someone from abroad tells me that other professional ladies are probably not looking his way or he would have married someone locally by now instead of spending thousands of dollars bringing someone over from abroad. 

Who says they had to marry somebody abroad? We don't pick the people we fall for, even if it turns out to be less than love in the end.

There's a strong argument that the process was rushed and somebody should have hit the brakes (as OP tried but didn't stand firm in doing pre-POE), but that doesn't say anything about why they ended up with somebody abroad.

[durden2128 4]

I appreciate all the comments, im still torn  on what to do since they constantly go back and forth between staying and trying to have a life or returning to Russia permanently. I can say with confidence she wants to work, but she refuses to do manual labor(Which I understand and agree with ) and is terrified that her strong accent will prevent her from an office job whenever she gets her work permit. She has NO self esteem whatsoever- she's been beaten and raped in Russia and this is why she wanted to leave her country and make a life in the US with a different kind of guy. The reality is im not a big city guy- and they fail to understand that a big city isnt always better. I live in the richest, safest zip code in my state, and also the most expensive. Hence..the parents house for the time being......I'm 30 minutes from the ocean, they have Russian speakers here as friends, and my large family who invite them everywhere, to baseball games, to the beach, movies and etc. We've done EVERYTHING we possibly can to make them feel welcome and at home here, and yet still I get the constant sadness and crying because we cant live in Miami, or go visit LA for Spring Break. Or go on a shopping spree. They dont care about being fed, or what it costs to feed them, and buy their make up and cosmetics, their health/dental insurance, it doesnt compute for them at all. My stepkid is ABSOLUTELY lazy- she's too lazy to model even. She is honestly too lazy to stand still while being photographed and says she doesnt expect to work before age 23 after college- not to babysit not to do anything but ask for money for clothes and go out to eat every weekend. I have to force my stepkid to wash her own dishes and clean her room lest her mother do everything for her, then they whine at me for being mean and "controlling". They are both too afraid to drive even though I take them every weekend to teach, and they cry and say they will die once they drive alone or when they go take the test. I'm just...im over it. I love them to death and always wanted to have this picturesque beautiful wife and daughter, but I honestly dont know how much more I can take. They cry if I even mention going back to Russia

[Boiler 45,576]

To be fair you both bought into a dream and not reality.

[Springrain22 427]

15 minutes ago, durden2128 said:

I appreciate all the comments, im still torn  on what to do since they constantly go back and forth between staying and trying to have a life or returning to Russia permanently. I can say with confidence she wants to work, but she refuses to do manual labor(Which I understand and agree with ) and is terrified that her strong accent will prevent her from an office job whenever she gets her work permit. She has NO self esteem whatsoever- she's been beaten and raped in Russia and this is why she wanted to leave her country and make a life in the US with a different kind of guy. The reality is im not a big city guy- and they fail to understand that a big city isnt always better. I live in the richest, safest zip code in my state, and also the most expensive. Hence..the parents house for the time being......I'm 30 minutes from the ocean, they have Russian speakers here as friends, and my large family who invite them everywhere, to baseball games, to the beach, movies and etc. We've done EVERYTHING we possibly can to make them feel welcome and at home here, and yet still I get the constant sadness and crying because we cant live in Miami, or go visit LA for Spring Break. Or go on a shopping spree. They dont care about being fed, or what it costs to feed them, and buy their make up and cosmetics, their health/dental insurance, it doesnt compute for them at all. My stepkid is ABSOLUTELY lazy- she's too lazy to model even. She is honestly too lazy to stand still while being photographed and says she doesnt expect to work before age 23 after college- not to babysit not to do anything but ask for money for clothes and go out to eat every weekend. I have to force my stepkid to wash her own dishes and clean her room lest her mother do everything for her, then they whine at me for being mean and "controlling". They are both too afraid to drive even though I take them every weekend to teach, and they cry and say they will die once they drive alone or when they go take the test. I'm just...im over it. I love them to death and always wanted to have this picturesque beautiful wife and daughter, but I honestly dont know how much more I can take. They cry if I even mention going back to Russia

Bro, let me tell you this again: SEND THEM BACK HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Seems like you're trying to save the situation but there's nothing to save. They will not change. They will not understand. They will not respect you and what you have done. They just want to sit and cry and get money for nothing, without even trying to "turn on" their mind and look around. SEND THEM HOME. Immediately. You will not be happy with them, do not ruin your life, do not waste your time and do not make it worse. From what you have said here on 6 pages, I do not really see any positive outcome for you. They are just not your people, let them go, find yourself a good woman who will LOVE YOU, forget about all this crаp and move on. I wish you all the best!

Edited March 20, 2018 by Springrain22

[Orangesapples 1,954]

To be honest, she sounds shallow and materialistic but so do you. 

[Nora Johnson 28]

For once,  this is why I think there is two sides to this story and you cry wolf while not exactly being a great guy yourself. You emphasize your daughter being lazy - do you not know - it’s cultural for Russians not to work after graduating from college and enjoying your college years ? Try to be culturally open and receptive to other cultures - that’s not being lazy, that’s the norm for someone.

 

Just because American culture teaches us that we should be working like slaves starting from age 16 ( I worked started at age 16 and then eventually 3 part time jobs to put myself through college ) doesn’t mean that’s a norm for others, Europe whether eastern or western has a different culture when it comes to working in general. My niece who lives in Russia doesn’t plan on working either until graduating from college and that’s a standard. 

[TBoneTX 45,361]

Everyone: stop the extremely judgmental comments, bickering, and comparisons with 90-Day Fiancee now.

 

TBoneTX

VJ Moderation

==============================

OP, I was going to comment in the following vein:

Quote

as I try to be sympathetic I read things like the quotes above and think how much harder our transition would have been if every problem had been picked on and magnified and complained about, and focusing on what we don’t have, rather than have a sense of being in it together and making it work. After all being in a marriage and in a family is about supporting each other.

A marriage is supposed to be "you two, as one, against the world."  This goes even with the extreme, unusual stresses of long-distance immigration marriages.

 

I was going to say that, if you can stand it, wait until Wife's EAD arrives, encourage her to find work, and observe her closely.  If her current behavior were to continue, have an already-composed letter prepared (everything except date and signature), addressed to USCIS, to withdraw your I-864.  This letter would need to be presented at an InfoPass appointment to ensure (to a higher degree) that the green card would not be printed or mailed.

 

However, your follow-on comments a couple of posts above indicate to me that you're fed up, and that your emotional and financial reservoirs are just about drained.  Having been married to someone "like that" the first time, and comparing her to the (vastly different) current Mrs. T-B., I can assure you that you'll have nothing but grief -- or walking on eggshells, or constantly looking over your shoulder, waiting for "other shoes" to drop -- if you stay in this marriage.  My conclusion is magnified in its validity in that you're being "double-teamed" (wife + daughter).

 

I suggest that you send them back now, withdraw the I-864 in person with USCIS, serve her (remotely) with divorce papers, heal, and enjoy the almost immediate relief of a heavy weight having been lifted from your shoulders.

 

TBoneTX

regular VJ member

Edited March 20, 2018 by TBoneTX

[TBoneTX 45,361]

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