Need advice please- extremely unhappy wife & stepdaughter

[Springrain22 427]

Send them home, to Russia. Immediately. Now. They don't respect what you have done and they will not. Send them home. Right now. Find a good job. And forget.

[Jaquelly 1,647]

I'm on the send them home train. If your wife won't put in the work to get a job and contribute - or even find something to do besides watch TV all day - then there's not much else to be said. You are NOT a meal ticket. You are NOT a cash cow. You are NOT there just to provide for them. Sheeeeesh.

[Nora Johnson 28]

So let me get this straight:

 

You brought over a beautiful educated woman with master’s degree who would probably be aside from the fact that she is an immigrant otherwise totally outside of your league and you are baffled and frustrated that she doesn’t want to work as a house cleaner ? 

 

She comes from a second world country - but nevertheless she was probably white collar status with her accounting degree, now besides dealing with pressures of acclimating to new country, new language and new environment you want her to work a manual job like a high school drop out  ? Your sister OWNS her company, so it’s different for her - it’s her small business, and she’s invested being a business owner - for your wife to move here and then expected to immediately work as a house cleaner with her years of education  - I’d be pretty frustrated with you too. 

 

Living with in laws is another diffeeent story, she already is crawling out of her skin being in a new environment and then probably has your parents judging her every move.

 

I would do both a favor and send them both back so they can start a new life. Im sure once you are single and rid of them - skinny local supermodel looking women (20/10s) with technical masters degrees from acclaimed universities will be lining up to live in a small town in Alabama with no car in your parents house by the dozens. Oh wait, the average size for a woman in Alabama is what 16? 

[Paul & Mallory 1,398]

I always hate coming across stories like this. To go through something as trying as a visa or immigration process just to get to this point and have it not be anything like what you imagined it to be... I'm sorry to hear this appears to be happening for you, OP.

 

However, I think it's important to keep in mind that as easy as it is for readers to form an opinion or vision of the beneficiary in this case based on the details the OP has provided, there is a whole other reality and side to the story that we aren't privy to just by reading this particular post. We don't live in their home with them and know entirely what their situation or relationship is. It is very possible that the beneficiary is genuinely struggling and possibly even dealing with depression and/or anxieties. As someone who has been a long-time sufferer of anxiety, I can see that being a possibility and understand completely if it is. I'm the petitioner in my relationship, so I'm not the one having to move to a brand new country and start over. Just flying internationally by myself to visit my fiancé in Sweden was a HUGE obstacle for me to overcome. I'm talking mild panic attacks in the airport bathrooms during international layovers. It isn't always pretty. It can catch people off guard - both loved ones and the person it's happening to, as we don't always see it coming or understand what's wrong. Depression and anxiety can paralyze a person. They can know in their minds what it is they need to do in order to improve their situation and their life, but be totally frozen from being able to actually DO it. It's very easy to say "well, she needs to get off her ungrateful a** and get a job", "she needs to do something", "she needs to get out of the house" - in reality, that is WAY easier said than done.

 

HOWEVER (again) - with that being said, it isn't to say that the vast majority of assumptions being made here isn't the case. If this is a matter of someone coming here on false pretenses just to live some kind of overly fantasized American dream, then that is a different kind of problem. And someone with those intentions will most likely NEVER be happy here under these circumstances, no matter what the USC/petitioner does for them. It's unfortunate, because this day in age, it's way too convenient for people to achieve a jaded perspective on American life from the outside looking in. With "reality" television and the instant gratification of social media - where everyone is sharing selective highlight reels of their life and not sharing true reality - it's easy for someone to get the wrong impression of what they want. It isn't the Kardashian life for, well, pretty much ANY of us non-celebrity Americans. TO BE FAIR - manufacturing an opinion based on equally trash reality television like Honey Boo Boo or other American society embarrassments is not exactly realistic, either. Neither is using scare tactics like trying to convince someone we're riddled with crime and murders. We really aren't a bunch of sociopaths lacking intellectual capacities. Ok, maybe a few here and there, but not the majority.  That's just my opinion, though. I actually wouldn't consider telling someone to watch fake TV to find out what living here is like, because it's all jaded and biased anyway.

 

Anyway - bottom line is, if this person is refusing to focus on the relationship they allegedly came to the states for the sake of, and are only wrapped up in the materialistic things they cannot and probably will never have... if they are well aware of what needs to be done to improve their quality of life, and are refusing to do so based solely on stubbornness or laziness, not just because they are potentially suffering from mental afflictions... then the good ol' U. S. of A. is NOT for them. And they should go back to the country they know and come from. America is not a silver spoon plant - we are not going to be there at the airport when you land and hand you your own television show deal and matte black Range Rover. Doesn't work that way.

 

OP - I wish you the best of luck. If your relationship and partner are genuine, I hope you both are able to get the help you need to facilitate a healthier situation for the both of you. With or without your partner, I hope everything else in your life that has seemed to go below average for you also improves and you are able to find happiness one way or another.  

[HappyBunny 22]

6 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

So let me get this straight:

 

You brought over a beautiful educated woman with master’s degree who would probably be aside from the fact that she is an immigrant otherwise totally outside of your league and you are baffled and frustrated that she doesn’t want to work as a house cleaner ? 

 

She comes from a second world country - but nevertheless she was probably white collar status with her accounting degree, now besides dealing with pressures of acclimating to new country, new language and new environment you want her to work a manual job like a high school drop out  ? Your sister OWNS her company, so it’s different for her - it’s her small business, and she’s invested being a business owner - for your wife to move here and then expected to immediately work as a house cleaner with her years of education  - I’d be pretty frustrated with you too. 

 

Living with in laws is another diffeeent story, she already is crawling out of her skin being in a new environment and then probably has your parents judging her every move.

 

I would do both a favor and send them both back so they can start a new life. Im sure once you are single and rid of them - skinny local supermodel looking women (20/10s) with technical masters degrees from acclaimed universities will be lining up to live in a small town in Alabama with no car in your parents house by the dozens. Oh wait, the average size for a woman in Alabama is what 16? 

What makes you think other professional ladies are out of OPs league?    He is not only baffled at the fact she does not want to work but also because she has higher expectancies of what Op can provide. They are living at parents because OP is going through financial hardship.

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

23 hours ago, durden2128 said:

 I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. ...

 as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city ...

I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. 

 

22 hours ago, durden2128 said:

. They have a number of Russian speakers here who all tell them regularly to be patient- that learning English and learning to drive is a very long and tedious process. It simply doesnt help or process in their brain. They want Miami or New York so they dont need to drive or be reliant on a ride. They cant compute how expensive those cities are, or have any understanding of public schools in big cities. They dont understand that private schools are expensive, that u cant just walk in and start any day like a public school. ... They want everything now but dont want to wait for me any longer. They see older Russians with big houses who have been here 20 years and constantly compare their lifestyles to ours, where both parents work, whereas I'm responsible for 3 people on 1 salary.

 

21 hours ago, durden2128 said:

they have been complaining ever since that we arent living near Miami no matter what I tell them.Whatever the mom says the daughter repeats- they double team me constantly with complaints- 

 

21 hours ago, durden2128 said:

She wants an office job, or working at the mall in  a clothing store since she is obsessed with fashion and clothes.

So I’m hearing all the people pointing out how difficult the move /transition is and I think just about everyone on this forum has been through this adjustment in some form or another and understands it.

and at the same time as I try to be sympathetic I read things like the quotes above and think how much harder our transition would have been if every problem had been picked on and magnified and complained about, and focusing on what we don’t have, rather than have a sense of being in it together and making it work. After all being in a marriage and in a family is about supporting each other. You don’t need to have made a traditional vow to understand this either.

 

I know depression is a very real issue but at the same time I’m finding it difficult to sympathize with the “crying in bed all day” in light of the above and I can’t help feeling that it’s part of a guilt trip rather than reflective of actual depression. I’m no expert and can’t generalize but the people I’ve known with depression after immigration tend to focus on the friends, family etc they left behind, rather than the fact that they’re not going on vacation and buying fancy clothes and generally demanding material things. In fact not only is this not supporting OP in light of his own loss of a job, it’s the opposite - making him feel even worse about it because he can’t buy them stuff.  So a question to those who are trying to be fair minded and point out their own or their spouse’s struggle to settle in: was this kind of entitled attitude present too? 

 

 

 

 

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

15 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

 

 

 

 

I would do both a favor and send them both back so they can start a new life. Im sure once you are single and rid of them - skinny local supermodel looking women (20/10s) with technical masters degrees from acclaimed universities will be lining up to live in a small town in Alabama with no car in your parents house by the dozens. Oh wait, the average size for a woman in Alabama is what 16? 

Wow, it’s quite a feat to be both so superficial and judgmental in the space of a few lines. 

 

...all from a BRAND NEW MEMBER. Hmmm.

Edited March 20, 2018 by SusieQQQ

[Nora Johnson 28]

3 minutes ago, HappyBunny said:

What makes you think other professional ladies are out of OPs league?    He is not only baffled at the fact she does not want to work but also because she has higher expectancies of what Op can provide. They are living at parents because OP is going through financial hardship.

The fact that he had to marry and bring someone from abroad tells me that other professional ladies are probably not looking his way or he would have married someone locally by now instead of spending thousands of dollars bringing someone over from abroad. 

[Nora Johnson 28]

1 hour ago, SusieQQQ said:

Wow, it’s quite a feat to be both so superficial and judgmental in the space of a few lines. 

That’s brought on by reading multiple judgemental messages bashing this poor woman who is expected to be happy at a prospect of living with in laws “ temporarily “ ( how long has it been by the way ?!) and working as a housecleaner for a sisters company - I think I’d stay in bed and cry too if those were my proespecfs. 

Edited March 20, 2018 by TBoneTX
to remove inappropriate word

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

3 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

The fact that he had to marry and bring someone from abroad tells me that other professional ladies are probably not looking his way or he would have married someone locally by now instead of spending thousands of dollars bringing someone over from abroad. 

Rotfl you just insulted 80% of posters here 

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

1 hour ago, Nora Johnson said:

That’s brought on by reading multiple judgemental messages bashing this poor woman who is expected to be happy at a prospect of living with in laws “ temporarily “ ( how long has it been by the way ?!) and working as a housecleaner for a sisters company - I think I’d stay in bed and cry too if those were my proespecfs. 

I must admit I’m curious as to why you seem to have created a new account just to post on this thread.

(..apart from the obsession with supermodel vs size 16. Some people do think supporting their spouse is more important than their dress size.]

Edited March 20, 2018 by TBoneTX
to edit inappropriate word from quote

[Nora Johnson 28]

2 minutes ago, SusieQQQ said:

I must admit I’m curious as to why you seem to have created a new account just to post on this thread.

(..apart from the obsession with supermodel vs size 16. Some people do think supporting their spouse is more important than their dress size.]

 

I have no obsession with supermodels - I simply used the term to exaggerate how ridiculous OP expectations are in regards to his wife - reminds me of David from 90 day fiancé who is a total loser but expects his beautiful Thai wife who is his daughters To be by his side through his “financial hardship”. He seems to have obsession with looks - he mentions them multiple times in his posts - so I just simply said send the wife back and see how well you do with local hotties. 

[SusieQQQ 11,586]

3 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

 

I have no obsession with supermodels - I simply used the term to exaggerate how ridiculous OP expectations are in regards to his wife - reminds me of David from 90 day fiancé who is a total loser but expects his beautiful Thai wife who is his daughters To be by his side through his “financial hardship”. He seems to have obsession with looks - he mentions them multiple times in his posts - so I just simply said send the wife back and see how well you do with local hotties. 

At least we agree that he should send the wife and stepdaughter back.

 

by the way read what you wrote above, you really do seem to be obsessed with looks, who cares if the Thai wife is beautiful if she won’t support him through his hardship? 

 

 

Edited March 20, 2018 by SusieQQQ

[Roel 7,192]

14 minutes ago, Nora Johnson said:

The fact that he had to marry and bring someone from abroad tells me that other professional ladies are probably not looking his way or he would have married someone locally by now instead of spending thousands of dollars bringing someone over from abroad. 

 

Wow wow wow!

Gotta tell my ugly, unsuccessful and boring husband that he's lucky that some foreigner (me!) wanted him even though all SKINNY PROFESSIONAL LADIES from U.S brutally rejected him, obviously. Good thing you can always marry a foreigner as your last resort!

 

Seriously look for some other forum if you're going to post stuff like that.

 

[HappyBunny 22]

13 minutes ago, SusieQQQ said:

Rotfl you just insulted 80% of posters here 

That was intense lol.