Need advice please- extremely unhappy wife & stepdaughter

[Aussielad 37]

5 hours ago, durden2128 said:

Possibly the latter. But the American lifestyle is so general. She kept repeating to be with me and have A lifel. But now im not so sure anymore. She still all this unrealistic reality tv ####### and has it fixated in her brain thats how most Americans live.

Have you ever watched "90 day fiance" ....watch it on youtube with the episodes of Jorge and Anfisa (she is from Russia and her behavior and that your describing of your wife is almost IDENTICAL)...that will give you a better idea of what might be happening...I wish you the best of luck..

Edited March 20, 2018 by Aussielad

[lecilia 15]

like someone like ur wife or step child doesn't deserve the type of person you are , you brought them to the U.S pay for everything provide a house food clothing what more do they honestly need if there not happy with that kind of stuff they probably never will be 

[abum 324]

sorry to hear your situation OP. 

 

while i know everyone's marriage is different, still it feels the longer you are in this one, the more sanity you would lose. 

Maybe they had a very high expectation of what life in the USA gonna be (due to all the garbage in the TV of rich people throwing money away, buying huge houses etc) - you could sit down with them and lay everything in the open - that their expectation is not what the reality is and what you can afford to give them. So either this (current situation - of which you should still fix as it will kill you financially in the long run) or no longer being together as everyone seems to be unhappy at this rate. 

[Sunnyland 639]

Before they moved to U.S, did you and your now wife ever talked about what their life in U.S would be? Did you give them the impression that you were rich and swimming in $$$? Just wondering.

2 things... Or she thought she landed a rich man or she is going through a culture shock and thought things would be more easy.  Hopefully when she gets her EAD she will feel a little more accomplished and will start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. 

 

My 1st year here was stressful, I missed everyone in my country. I felt like out of place. 2nd year was a little better and started working in a big retail store which did help me a lot in my confidence and chatting with people (customers) around the world gave me the support kick that I needed and I saved for my first car. Then I started learning how to drive (little by little) which it took me a while because I was petrified about the idea of being behind the wheel. Now I love having my own little (used) car that I love. Nothing comes easy in this life. Everybody adjust differently. Maybe she can join some Russian group in her area that can help her to make new friends.

 

 

[JE57 239]

12 hours ago, durden2128 said:

About 2 years before. I was making really good money when I applied for K1- but as a property manager I lived on site and hated everything about the job, the staff and the horrible school system that was next door and full of drug dealers and prostitutes. This was also the school 10 minutes away from the Florida shooting. I quit despite the great money and free apartment- and they have been complaining ever since that we arent living near Miami no matter what I tell them.Whatever the mom says the daughter repeats- they double team me constantly with complaints- even though my family loves them and drive them when im at work and showed her how to cook American meals. None of it matters because we dont have our own place near the mall or somewhere with a bus line next to us.

So if I understand the above correctly.  You were living in your own place near Miami and making good money when you petitioned for them and presumably you must have known at the time that is what they wanted but instead of staying with a job that would allow you to support your soon to be wife and daughter you quit that job and took another job that was not sufficient to provide what you had or could provide before you they came yet knowing they were coming.  You spent money on Immigration expenses and dental work yet both of those must have been something you could reasonably have expected to spend and then you moved in with your parents in a place that gives them no freedom to go out and about without depending on someone else which had you stayed with your original job it sounds like they could have reasonably expected to have that degree of independence.   Not saying that you are completely at fault or that she isn't a Gold Digger but it sounds like there is a very significant other side to the story here.  Further you mention in your very first post that it all makes you want to take a bottle of Ambian which is a threat of suicide which rather you think you are joking or not is a VERY serious matter.  It makes me wonder if you too are not viewing this whole situation thru at least a partial lens of depression.   Maybe, she's upset because the man she thought she was marrying is not the man she has married and given the length of your relationship the two of you don't really know how to help each other.   Marriage counseling seems like a viable approach here and if she won't go with you then you should go on your own.  Best of luck and God Bless you! 

[Dianalorena 1,153]

There are a few things that come into play in my opinion: 

 

1. The good ol' classic American Dream. A lot of people in other countries can't fully grasp that there is a middle and low class in the U.S too! and I'm sure it's partially perpetuated by T.V and movies.

 

2. The struggle of moving, leaving everything behind to start a new life in a foreign country. It's uncertain, it's scary, and it sounds that a language barrier exists.

 

3. The lack of privacy, the struggle of living with your parents, the financial hardship, lack of activities. to name a few. 

 

It sounds that you both had certain expectations that are not being met. Marriage is hard, long distance immigration marriage is 10x times harder and a lot of people don't realize this. Once you're together you start from scratch, on top of having to deal with a lot of issues like the ones mentioned. You basically have two options: You either talk to her, go to marriage counseling and acknowledge your role in this and address your concerns, be open to the mistakes you're both making to find a way to make it work, or divorce and move on, let them go back to Russia. I know it's heartbreaking that your stepdaughter is struggling, but continuing to live under this kind of stress isn't helping her either.

Good luck in all of this, truly.

 

[Megan and Ehan 7]

14 hours ago, durden2128 said:

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house. I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. I was owed $5,000 from my prior job and my company dissolved so I never received that money which I desperately needed. I have spent over $2k on un planned dental work just for my step daughter alone, and because of all these expenses we moved in with my parents who have a really large house. Yet they despise living here and despise me- even though it's temporary and I've already spent Thousands on immigration fees and both their Green cards.  One wants to return immediately to Russia and forget I exist and the stepdaughter HATES Russia and refuses to return and insists she will miss a year of school and refuses to return to school if I buy them flights back home. I dont know what to do. I take them to the beach frequently, I signed them both up for ESL classes with other foreigners, we do fun things together and as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city and dont care about the high crime in public schools and the insane cost of private schools. Even though my stepdaughter is currently attending the #2 public school in the state and its so close to my parents she can walk there every morning. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated. I cant eat or sleep and I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. I have anxiety issues and this honestly makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien

Yes I agree with the several others, they need a REALITY CHECK. And you DO NOT deserve to be treated like this. If they want to live a luxury lifestyle tell them to do it their selves then because you aren't their slave. I am sorry you're going through this, it must really hurt and remember your feelings matter. Their complete disregard for your feelings isn't right and if your wife doesn't want to work as a team start laying down the law. I am not saying it's not worth working on I mean she's your wife but no one should remain in an abusive relationship. Show them the regular parts of America. A lot of us live in trailer parks and are looking for work as well, it isn't all Kardashians, make 10K while brushing your teeth and roses. Plus that luxury road often leaves you empty as well, many successful people with loads of money aren't truly happy deep down and there is a reason, you can't find happiness in things that mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. Tell your family you're not responsible for their happiness ultimately, they are. And it sounds like you're doing all you can so have peace in your heart and pray for them. Best of luck to you buddy, stay away from the Ambien and God bless you!

[Christy&J 837]

15 hours ago, durden2128 said:

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house. I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. I was owed $5,000 from my prior job and my company dissolved so I never received that money which I desperately needed. I have spent over $2k on un planned dental work just for my step daughter alone, and because of all these expenses we moved in with my parents who have a really large house. Yet they despise living here and despise me- even though it's temporary and I've already spent Thousands on immigration fees and both their Green cards.  One wants to return immediately to Russia and forget I exist and the stepdaughter HATES Russia and refuses to return and insists she will miss a year of school and refuses to return to school if I buy them flights back home. I dont know what to do. I take them to the beach frequently, I signed them both up for ESL classes with other foreigners, we do fun things together and as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city and dont care about the high crime in public schools and the insane cost of private schools. Even though my stepdaughter is currently attending the #2 public school in the state and its so close to my parents she can walk there every morning. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated. I cant eat or sleep and I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. I have anxiety issues and this honestly makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien

after I read this, suddenly I think of 90 days fiancé Anfisa and Jorge... she is from Russia too.

 

my 2 cents, if she cant see your sacrifices and what you've done even little, she would never ever able to appreciate what you've done.

family is not about only 1 person struggle but it's about team work to struggle to pursuit happiness.

 

I'd put them into the next flight and kiss them goodbye.

 

Good luck !

[Mr_B 3]

I'm sorry you lost your job, but at the very least the situation proved to be a relationship test and it failed. Hardship breaks relationships or makes them stronger. Without this happening, she might have traded you for someone with more money in a few years. I don't want to generalise or stigmatise, but when beautiful women in countries like Russia, Thailand etc. are looking specifically in their dating profile for an American or European man, be prepared for a high risk of a 'transactional' relationship. I've seen this happen to a friend of mine too. At least there are a lot of jobs out there at the moment. I hope everything works out well for you, you sound like a nice and honest person.

[gregcrs2 1,778]

Do yourself a BIG favor and send them back as fast as humanly possible.  If you don't have the money to fly them back, borrow it.  They will always be complaining, seldom happy, and rarely satisfied for the duration of your marriage.  You will end up spending all your time, money, and emotions trying to satisfy them to no avail.   The end result will be depression for each of you.  It will just be a matter of time before divorce.  Trying to keep this relationship will only result in misery for you.   Been in your shoes before and regret not ending the relationship soon enough. 

[Going through 5,671]

9 hours ago, Aussielad said:

Have you ever watched "90 day fiance" ....watch it on youtube with the episodes of Jorge and Anfisa (she is from Russia and her behavior and that your describing of your wife is almost IDENTICAL)

I thought I was the only one thinking about Anfisa when I read this thread....

[Going through 5,671]

There's a ton of things going on here all at once.

 

-the daughter is adjusting to a new lifestyle, a new country, a new school, new surroundings, and you as a new step-parent all at once.

-the mother is adjusting to a new lifestyle, a new country, living as a married couple, living with in-laws (who are still virtual strangers to her, no matter how welcoming they have been), a home that isn't really "hers" and cannot feel 100% comfortable in, feeling isolated, not being able to work yet, stress from helping her daughter adjust to you as her father, and all the other stuff that comes with being a new immigrant plus now cracks in the marriage itself.

-you are dealing with adjusting to living as a married couple, feeling the financial burden of supporting two other people, adjusting to having a new step-daughter, and being the middle-man between any stress that comes up with your wife and your parents' relationship.

 

How long has your wife and step-daughter actually been in the US?

[lessy 1]

Send them both home ASAP. She never will be happy with you if you wont give her Kardashian`s life. Even if she will stay here she will leave you after she get her Green card. To keep her daughter here..dont make this huge mistake. Sorry for my English, my first language is russian.

[Maria1989 403]

Stop the process make an appointment with USCIS and borrow the money to send them

back immediately. IMMEDIATELY !!!! They have ridiculous expectations and to threaten you to bring her immediately or she will dump you tells you that moving here was more important that being with you. They crying in bed, depressed, don’t want to work certain jobs, send them back !!! Send them back, give them

what they want..... Goodbye. 

[Jeffreyyu 303]

21 hours ago, durden2128 said:

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house. I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. I was owed $5,000 from my prior job and my company dissolved so I never received that money which I desperately needed. I have spent over $2k on un planned dental work just for my step daughter alone, and because of all these expenses we moved in with my parents who have a really large house. Yet they despise living here and despise me- even though it's temporary and I've already spent Thousands on immigration fees and both their Green cards.  One wants to return immediately to Russia and forget I exist and the stepdaughter HATES Russia and refuses to return and insists she will miss a year of school and refuses to return to school if I buy them flights back home. I dont know what to do. I take them to the beach frequently, I signed them both up for ESL classes with other foreigners, we do fun things together and as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city and dont care about the high crime in public schools and the insane cost of private schools. Even though my stepdaughter is currently attending the #2 public school in the state and its so close to my parents she can walk there every morning. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated. I cant eat or sleep and I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. I have anxiety issues and this honestly makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien

Buy them a one way ticket home. Go find your self a good woman a good woman would be more understanding during bad times this should be a easy decision for you