Need advice please- extremely unhappy wife & stepdaughter

[durden2128 4]

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house. I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. I was owed $5,000 from my prior job and my company dissolved so I never received that money which I desperately needed. I have spent over $2k on un planned dental work just for my step daughter alone, and because of all these expenses we moved in with my parents who have a really large house. Yet they despise living here and despise me- even though it's temporary and I've already spent Thousands on immigration fees and both their Green cards.  One wants to return immediately to Russia and forget I exist and the stepdaughter HATES Russia and refuses to return and insists she will miss a year of school and refuses to return to school if I buy them flights back home. I dont know what to do. I take them to the beach frequently, I signed them both up for ESL classes with other foreigners, we do fun things together and as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city and dont care about the high crime in public schools and the insane cost of private schools. Even though my stepdaughter is currently attending the #2 public school in the state and its so close to my parents she can walk there every morning. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated. I cant eat or sleep and I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. I have anxiety issues and this honestly makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien

[bad4tatt 168]

4 minutes ago, durden2128 said:

Dont know what to do. My stepdaughter and wife are extremely depressed and sit in bed crying and dont want to leave the house. I lost my job like 2 weeks before they flew here and I asked/begged her to wait a few months but she absolutely refused, threatened to dump me and forced me to bring them when I wasnt ready financially. I was owed $5,000 from my prior job and my company dissolved so I never received that money which I desperately needed. I have spent over $2k on un planned dental work just for my step daughter alone, and because of all these expenses we moved in with my parents who have a really large house. Yet they despise living here and despise me- even though it's temporary and I've already spent Thousands on immigration fees and both their Green cards.  One wants to return immediately to Russia and forget I exist and the stepdaughter HATES Russia and refuses to return and insists she will miss a year of school and refuses to return to school if I buy them flights back home. I dont know what to do. I take them to the beach frequently, I signed them both up for ESL classes with other foreigners, we do fun things together and as soon as they hear of someone visiting L.A or Miami they freak out and call me dirt poor and a liar because I cant drop everything and drive cross country for a week on a spending spree. They watch garbage tv like Kardashians and assume everyone here is rich and drives a Mercedes and only want to live in a big city and dont care about the high crime in public schools and the insane cost of private schools. Even though my stepdaughter is currently attending the #2 public school in the state and its so close to my parents she can walk there every morning. Help..any advice is greatly appreciated. I cant eat or sleep and I dont think its possible to make them happy or satisfy them. They wont be calm and wait on green cards and work permit or give me more time to save up for apartment close to a good school. I have anxiety issues and this honestly makes me want to take a bottle of Ambien

Send them home. You can't make them happy. I think your wife had a vision of celebrity lifestyle and you never could give that to her. You can only make you happy because If you try to make anyone else happy, you will lose yourself.

[durden2128 4]

Thats the conclusion I came to. But my stepkid cries the second I mention it because she would have to repeat the 9th grade all over very likely and refuses to return to school in Russia. Which makes my wife cry and beg me to keep her daughter with me in the U.S while she returns to Russia and begins a new life and looks for work  ! How insane and crazy is that. It's like a bad reality show......

[Ben&Zian 4,398]

Whether or not to send them home or give them a reality check. One is needed. Like @bad4tatt said, sometimes people come here to the US expecting luxury and riches but don't realize that just isn't how it is. That's why need to give them a reality check. If they just sit and watch "reality" TV then yea they have some serious disillusions of what is what.

 

[Roel 7,192]

If your wife wants better quality life tell her to find a job ASAP.  Step daughter is old enough to also work. I assume they came on cr1 and have their green cards already so there is no excuse for them to just sit on their asses and complain. 

 

You can try marriage counseling also. If nothing works then just divorce and find happiness somewhere else. 

 

If wife wants to go back then divorce and let her. If daughter wants to stay then stay, just make it clear you won't be supporting her. 

Edited March 19, 2018 by Roel

[durden2128 4]

No green cards yet. We applied 2 months ago, so we are 2-3 months out most likely from work permit and Advance Parole, which they wanted so they could return to russia temporarily and sell one of their 2 apartments for extra money. My wife wants to work but has serious depression and insists she is too stupid to speak English and work. She refuses to work as House cleaner which she did for awhile but stopped. She has a Masters in Accounting and can easily find a small office job once she has work permit. She just has no patience whatsoever and no self esteem at all. Shes absolutely stunning gorgeous and I was so amazed she was single. Now I understand exactly why she is always single...

[Roel 7,192]

Send her to the therapist then. 

She can do a lot while waiting for get work permit. Volunteer, pick up a hobby, look for some job offers in the area in advance, etc. 

 

Break her bubble and tell her If she wants to make something out of herself and her life she needs to do some work also. Coming to the US doesn't mean she will have everything handled to her. 

 

People who came on k1 struggled while waiting for their work permits also. So she's not an exception. She must have knew in advance how this process look like. If she wanted to work and travel from the start you guys should have done cr1 visa instead. 

Edited March 19, 2018 by Roel

[Ontarkie 14,236]

Ok First give them a break. Have you ever moved somewhere totally different and then moved in with inlaws?  Sure she was in a hurry to move to you and if you did explain the need for her to wait a bit then she needs to understand that is also her doing. Get her involved with things she loves. Does she cook, bake, does she love books, does she have full access to a computer and phone?  She is struggling because her reality of what her life would be like is not what it is. Being in your own place would have allowed her to decorate it make it her home too, but being with your parents she can't even do that. If she did have a hobby back home then try to get her interested in it again. Depression is hard and it seems like she has it bad.  

Getting her out is a good start but what does she want to do? Ask her advice on things ask her to look for places you both can move to once it's time, plan meals together. Anything and every little thing can help.

 

It can take years to really adjust to life in the US and for some it is worse then others. It took me 3 yrs to actually feel like this is home. It's been almost 10 yrs I've been here and I still think of moving back, but now I'm at the point where that is a lot less then before.

 

Many ppl think they know what it's going to be like and the US spouse thinks they know how the foreigner should feel and be like but that is not the case. One can never fully understand what things will be like until it happens.

 

Talk, talk and talk some more, with you also struggling things are just going to get worse.

 

PS if mom goes so does the daughter. Sadly you have no legal power/rights to the daughter. That means medical or legal say in her care. If she is determined to leave the child needs to follow.

[Unlockable 7,314]

I wholeheartedly agree about the reality check time. Seems they have an unrealistic view of American life, which is the most overlooked topic of discussion when speaking to foreigners about migrating to the US.

 

They want to complain about being here but then cry when you mention sending them back. It can't be both ways and as you can see it is causing you greif.

 

The reality check you have with them may require some help. If it only comes from you they may be less inclined to be receptive of it. If you can find other immigrants that can speak with them it would allow them to see what it is really like here in the US. Especially if you can find someone from their home country. If not, maybe you can get some friends and family to speak with them about the average life of an American. You can even show them news articles about how most Americans are living pay check to pay check.

 

But the most important thing they should know is that, without a green card and you providing room and board for them, things would be a lot worse for them. At least with you they have a chance for better opportunites.

 

But one thing stuck out to me is that how your wife pretty much manipulated you into bringing them over when you were not ready. You need to come to terms that part of this is on you also. You were doing the right thing but nobody should threaten you into something you are not prepared for. And this is the end result of that. This strikes me as there are some underlying issues with your relationship outside of them being homesick.

 

Until, their view changes it will likely not get better. At this point they are disappointed in what they were expecting. They think money comes easy in the US.  At the end of the day you have your mental and emotional health that is in jeapordy.

[durden2128 4]

Your right. And I greatly appreciate all of the responses. I understand this is a huge life change for them. They have a number of Russian speakers here who all tell them regularly to be patient- that learning English and learning to drive is a very long and tedious process. It simply doesnt help or process in their brain. They want Miami or New York so they dont need to drive or be reliant on a ride. They cant compute how expensive those cities are, or have any understanding of public schools in big cities. They dont understand that private schools are expensive, that u cant just walk in and start any day like a public school. They constantly compare everything to Russia. They refuse counseling, therapy or taking any medication to affect behaviors. I found the only 2 local ESL classes and they dislike both and complain it doesnt help. They want everything now but dont want to wait for me any longer. They see older Russians with big houses who have been here 20 years and constantly compare their lifestyles to ours, where both parents work, whereas I'm responsible for 3 people on 1 salary.

[Boiler 45,581]

They want the American Dream, not what you can provide.

[Roel 7,192]

Before they moved to the US, did they ever talk about their expectations?

 

Like were they like this back in Russia also? Thinking that everything in the US is better, easier and effortless? 

 

How long did you know each other before applying for k1? 

 

 

[durden2128 4]

About 2 years before. I was making really good money when I applied for K1- but as a property manager I lived on site and hated everything about the job, the staff and the horrible school system that was next door and full of drug dealers and prostitutes. This was also the school 10 minutes away from the Florida shooting. I quit despite the great money and free apartment- and they have been complaining ever since that we arent living near Miami no matter what I tell them.Whatever the mom says the daughter repeats- they double team me constantly with complaints- even though my family loves them and drive them when im at work and showed her how to cook American meals. None of it matters because we dont have our own place near the mall or somewhere with a bus line next to us.

[Boiler 45,581]

Seems you know what they want so what is your plan.

[durden2128 4]

Spoiler

I dont have a plan. One wants to return to Russia and the other wants to stick it out here. My wife wants to return but says shes afraid to return because she has a hard time finding work in her town and her daughter refuses to attend school if shes forced to return to Russia. They dont have truancy officers like they do here evidently.