I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[Eric & Idalia 56]

7 hours ago, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

 

 

I read all your post even though you almost lost me at "-She didn't take my last name." You don't own her. She is a human who takes her own decisions, and yes that includes changing her mind about things.

 

When you say "...I want to divorce her and call it quits..." it gives me the idea you have been married and divorced already before her. Even though VJ is an immigration forum not relationship advice related forum, I'd say go to counseling. Try really to understand each other. There's a reason why she doesn't want to have sex. Counseling can help you both to express those concerns. I'd recommend reading books "She comes first" and "He comes next"

 

 

 

[little immigrant 801]

Hi not changing her name might cause difficulties because it's harder to change your name in your home country e.g. her passport. I know I was not able to change to my married name or back to my maiden name after marriage and divorce. I'm not sure if that hinders her to change her name to yours however. Not wearing the ring is definitely strange. Me as a woman love jewelery and I love to wear my ring and show it off and I'm proud of it. Sometimes my husband doesn't wear his because he works with his hands and I understand but he wears a substitute and when we go out somewhere he wears his real deal. As for the no sex part well I'm not sure what to say. I didn't enjoy having sex with my then-husband because he wasn't loving enough and it caused me pain everytime. When I asked him to be more loving he got angry at me. So there is that. 

8 hours ago, bogrob said:

I know I can do better.

You might be right. I don't want to tell you divorce her or don't divorce her. I fought for my marriage for a long time even though it looked hopeless for a long time but I didn't want to just give up. In the end I told God that I've fought enough and this is the end. As for this marriage, he refused to counseling. Just make sure that you take care of yourself and do not waste your energy for nothing. If you think being single again is the solution then it probably is. You even worry about her when you divorce her which tells me you're a caring person however that's not for you to worry about. Whether she goes home or not is on her and not on you. Just be aware however that you're still in the hook for the I-864 even after divorce. 

[HarryGillung 2]

Very sorry to read about your situation. 

 

Take it for what is is worth, it is only my opinion.  I do not think counseling would work.  There are several reasons for that, the biggest is cultural.  I do not think it is a medical issue either, otherwise she would be seeking out help because she should want to be intimate with you and very upset that she is not able to be.  I did not get that from your post.  Her attitude, not her words are what you need to be putting your thoughts into. 

 

I would become very familiar with the divorce rules in your state.  For example in California they have two types of marriages, long-term and short-term.  Needless to say the financial impact when the marriage is long-term is significantly more.  I think you need to understand what your options are.

 

I understand the investment in time and you wanting to make it work.  However, it takes to willing parties to make it work.  Julie Roberts is not going to date me no matter how long I hold out for her. 

It seems at this point, to me, it would be hard to think she would change.  Yes, it is probably extremely likely she is in it only for the green card.  If that is her goal then you can not put any faith in anything she says or does.  If you think things will get better especially after she gets a green card, I think that is naive.

 

You're still a young guy.  There is still time to have kids and plenty of wonderful family oriented ladies out there who are looking to meet you.  You can never be 100% sure about someone new, but I think if you are honest with yourself you will understand that you can be 100% about your present situation.  The longer you wait, the more expensive and painful it will become.  Once she finds out your serious about a divorce it is likely she will put on a different attitude, maybe even try to get pregnant and trap you.  Not saying that is what she is going to do, just be aware that you are not able to consider all of things she may do.  Just be sure if you decide to divorce, don't look back.  I would even get a separate apartment.  Another nightmare is that she threatens to make a claim of abuse against you.  That my friend can ruin your life, you are guilty until proven innocent and that is not so easy to do.

 

Don't mean to be negative but you always must aware of  what your options are.  If she has other friends of acquaintances from her country they collaborate on how to get what they want.  Don't be foolish to believe she has few options and you are in complete control.

 

Good luck!

Edited February 22, 2018 by HarryGillung

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

6 hours ago, Illiria said:

The last name thing, she probably didn’t realize how much it meant until she had moved and it may have felt like losing the last bit of her cultural identity.

 

The sex, why does it all come down to sex with men who import women,

The last name thing I get.  I had a hard time deciding whether to keep my maiden name or not - it is extremely unique and has a thousand year history that ties me to a certain people and place.

 

Well that is kind of sexist, no?  Sex is something very important to both my husband and I.  If it went down to twice a year without medical issue, you can bet that I'd be upset.  OP's wife also doesn't explore other options to reciprocate the oral, so it likely isn't just a medical thing with her.

[Illiria 980]

12 minutes ago, N-o-l-a said:

The last name thing I get.  I had a hard time deciding whether to keep my maiden name or not - it is extremely unique and has a thousand year history that ties me to a certain people and place.

 

Well that is kind of sexist, no?  Sex is something very important to both my husband and I.  If it went down to twice a year without medical issue, you can bet that I'd be upset.  OP's wife also doesn't explore other options to reciprocate the oral, so it likely isn't just a medical thing with her.

Yes in some couples sex is as important to each participant but it doesn’t have to be. I would find other ways to be close to them (emotionally, socially, spiritually) Also I never see a women come on here saying the relationship isn’t working as there isn’t any sex, it wouldn’t be a focus in the opening post. It seems that a lot of guys come on here and complain about lack of sex as the main issue as if that’s all the women has been brought over for. 

 

She isn’t required to reciprocate the oral if she doesnt enjoy giving it, it isn’t a barter system where she has to give if she receives. Maybe he has an odor down there or in general, some of the most muscled and good looking guys I know stink due to their body building diet and they don’t realize they stink. 

Edited February 22, 2018 by Illiria

[David & Diana R 1,005]

8 hours ago, bogrob said:

 

She's not taking any medication that would hurt her sex drive. She's just not interested and avoids it. I understand the last name thing but my issue is that she should have told me before she came. She initially said that she wouldn't have any problems taking my last name. It was when she came here and we got married that she all of a sudden had an issue with it. I never saw any red flags about her green card and even now, she doesn't have it. She has the work permit but we are waiting for the green card. Do you honestly think that marriage counseling would work? I don't know why but I just don't have a lot of faith in that. 

First off I would like to say that I am sorry you are going through this.  My wife is from the Philippines and she took my last name proudly.  I almost had to insist to her that she keep her family name as her middle name.(Filipino tradition)  I didn't want her to depart from that important tradition.  She wears her engagement and wedding rings proudly. (She did have to remove it for a while because she was pregnant.)  She introduces me to all of her co-workers and friends proudly.  She lists herself as married on FaceBook.  There are hundreds of photos of her and I together and now with our new baby.  There is no question on FaceBook as to her relationship status.  Admittedly, I am very fortunate.  My guess is you got a bad apple.  I would show her the door immediately.  File for divorce and move on.  Good luck and God Bless.  David    

[David & Diana R 1,005]

16 minutes ago, Illiria said:

Yes in some couples sex is as important to each participant but it doesn’t have to be. I would find other ways to be close to them (emotionally, socially, spiritually) Also I never see a women come on here saying the relationship isn’t working as there isn’t any sex, it wouldn’t be a focus in the opening post. It seems that a lot of guys come on here and complain about lack of sex as the main issue as if that’s all the women has been brought over for. 

 

She isn’t required to reciprocate the oral if she doesnt enjoy giving it, it isn’t a barter system where she has to give if she receives. Maybe he has an odor down there or in general, some of the most muscled and good looking guys I know stink due to their body building diet and they don’t realize they stink. 

Give me a break!  Love making is the closest you can be to your spouse. Many men, and women who have had affairs state that they got into them because they were no offered sex at home.  There is no excuse for anyone to withhold sex from their spouse only sharing their body once or twice as year unless there is some underlying medical condition.  In this case there is not.  It sounds to me like the op is feeling unwanted and unloved.  

[LUAL 43]

9 hours ago, bogrob said:

She's from Ethiopia

lol... was that ever a question? divorce, don't get her to come to the usa

[JayMar2019 2,741]

22 minutes ago, Illiria said:

Yes in some couples sex is as important to each participant but it doesn’t have to be. I would find other ways to be close to them (emotionally, socially, spiritually) Also I never see a women come on here saying the relationship isn’t working as there isn’t any sex, it wouldn’t be a focus in the opening post. It seems that a lot of guys come on here and complain about lack of sex as the main issue as if that’s all the women has been brought over for. 

 

She isn’t required to reciprocate the oral if she doesnt enjoy giving it, it isn’t a barter system where she has to give if she receives. Maybe he has an odor down there or in general, some of the most muscled and good looking guys I know stink due to their body building diet and they don’t realize they stink. 

You clearly didn't see my post responding to his sex issue a couple pages back. I'm a woman and I can tell you, if I'm only having sex with my fiance who is soon to be my husband and we're living together but only twice in one year, BEST BELIEVE IT'S A PROBLEM!!! 

 

When your significant other doesn't want to be intimate with you and shows no interest in being intimate, they're either cheating, or no longer emotionally attached or both. For women, sex is more of an emotional connection than it is for a man as it's more physical. When women stop wanting to have sex with their significant other, other than it being a medical issue, it means the woman is no longer emotionally attached. 

[TBoneTX 45,663]

OP, try this:

Get her full attention.  Prepare to observe very closely.

Say, "Dear, you're obviously not happy here, so I'm making arrangements to move with you to live in Ethiopia together."

If you perceive any panic or get a panicked response, you know that her goal is the green card.

If she miraculously changes her behavior afterwards, you know that her goal is the green card.

[TBoneTX 45,663]

Thread is moved from the "Moving to the US" forum to the Effects of Major Changes forum, where such issues are often discussed.

[Lemonslice 4,922]

One has to wonder why she doesn't have her green card after more than a year here... again more than one side to the story.

[MacUK 983]

3 hours ago, RLA said:

If that was indeed her plan then she'd have to keep providing the sex until after her ROC.  Otherwise she'd risk to get sent back after 2 years.  That the sex vanished soon after she got to the States makes me think that there's something else going on.  Or that she's just not as smart and as tough as one'd have to be to pull this off.  

There's plenty of tales on this forum of people who went to great lengths to get their K-1s without any good plans for what comes after.

Beneficiaries leaving their new spouses before AOS has been filed, beneficiaries who don't even get as far as the wedding before leaving their petitioner. Even beneficiaries who break off the engagement after receiving their visa, still fly to the U.S. and then try to adjust status with a different spouse.

There was even a thread recently where a petitioner went to the airport to pick up their beloved fiance only to see them get into someone elses car and disappear.

 

I never cease to be amazed at the lengths people will go to in order to get to the States.

[bakphx1 789]

I would say go the intermediate step between keeping things the same and breaking up. It sounds like you do enjoy being together, though there seem to be barriers. In some ways, it sounds like you have a good relationship outside of the bedroom.  You don't have substance abuse problems or infidelity, which are the big deal breakers. If she's happy staying home and watching a movie with you, that may be where she wants to be.  My husband also would pick staying home over being around a lot of people he doesn't know, but is also happier to socialize in smaller groups. Most people won't pick to be alone with someone they have no feelings for given options. 

 

It sounds like you aren't communicating your problems with her.  The first she hears of your problems shouldn't be the day you break up. 

 

I would give her a chance to understand where you are coming from and find ways to make your marriage more fulfilling. 

[Boiler 45,777]

6 minutes ago, MacUK said:

There's plenty of tales on this forum of people who went to great lengths to get their K-1s without any good plans for what comes after.

Beneficiaries leaving their new spouses before AOS has been filed, beneficiaries who don't even get as far as the wedding before leaving their petitioner. Even beneficiaries who break off the engagement after receiving their visa, still fly to the U.S. and then try to adjust status with a different spouse.

There was even a thread recently where a petitioner went to the airport to pick up their beloved fiance only to see them get into someone elses car and disappear.

 

I never cease to be amazed at the lengths people will go to in order to get to the States.

She was in Ethiopia, not that many options.