I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[armenino15 6]

32 minutes ago, RLA said:

I don't think that's exclusive to America.  It can happen in any country where wives feel free enough to only have sex when they want to.  

I'm really not exactly sure what you are arguing here. Sex always has to be consensual and people need to do it when you want to and feel like doing it. I don't care what country you reside in or are from,  if she was sleeping with him on his visits while she was not in the US yet, and now "she is constantly tired" then there is definitely a possibility that she was using him. This is only based on the assumption that the OP is describing the situation honestly. Plus, if he has such feelings that made him come to this site and ask for advise that means that there is a truth to this story since his observations separately might seem like they are not a big deal but when you put them all together it becomes in to something that I'm sure he doesn't want to face or to be true. 

Edited February 22, 2018 by armenino15

[Love To Teach 161]

Trust your gut. Unless you are an incredibly needy person, she is telling you with every action that she basically doesn't care about you or your feelings. Don't waste time feeling unloved. It's better to be alone. I'm betting a million to one she won't go to counseling because she doesn't want to hear the truth. 

Edited February 22, 2018 by Love To Teach

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

28 minutes ago, Trinab80 said:

Based on what I said above, you know better than everyone of us here what's really happening and what's not. And while I never like to advocate divorce....she's using you for the GC. At this point you can't prevent her from getting it or staying in the US. Just divorce her and keep it peaceful (so that she doesn't try to involve law enforcement which helps her and not you), and learn from this lesson!!!!

 

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Damn girl you are on point. +1 for you and I ditto everything you just said.

[Boiler 45,482]

7 minutes ago, Brittani said:

I don't want you to take offense to this but it sounds to me that she married you for a green card. It's either that or maybe cultural differences. Maybe wherever she is from doesn't show affection very much. I'm sorry you're going through that but if she really loves you attempt marriage counseling...

This

[Lemonslice 4,836]

1 hour ago, armenino15 said:

With all due respect, how many cultures can you name that is ok with premarital sex and then stops after they get married? If what the OP is saying is factually correct then its all too obvious what is going on here. 

Plenty of caricatures in Commedia Dell'Arte plays, so maybe in Italy?

[pikushi 8]

I have seen a lot of generalized comments in this thread, but it sounds like it would be best for you, OP, to take the issues that you have brought here to wife (again, if you have already done so) or a marriage counselor rather than this forum. It true that she may have just married you for the green card. It also may be true that she has personal reasons for her behavior. 

 

From what you have written here, though, I truly recommend taking action and bringing these issues up before they possibly turn into resentment.

[implife 318]

1 minute ago, pikushi said:

I have seen a lot of generalized comments in this thread, but it sounds like it would be best for you, OP, to take the issues that you have brought here to wife (again, if you have already done so) or a marriage counselor rather than this forum. It true that she may have just married you for the green card. It also may be true that she has personal reasons for her behavior. 

 

From what you have written here, though, I truly recommend taking action and bringing these issues up before they possibly turn into resentment.

I second this. This is not a forum for personal issues. This conversation does not belong on this forum.

[RLA 323]

13 minutes ago, armenino15 said:

I'm really not exactly sure what you are arguing here. […] there is definitely a possibility that she was using him.

I‘m arguing that there might be other reasons why she stopped having sex with him.  After all, it’s not that uncommon, even in marriages where no immigrants are involved.  Depression was already mentioned.  It might also be that he didn’t quite turn out to be the kind of husband she had imagines him to be.   They probably didn‘t really get to know each other until they‘d been living together for at least a few months.  It might very well be that she quickly fell out of love with him but felt trapped in the marriage. 

 

Yes, it‘s possible that she‘s been using him from the start.  But we don’t know that for sure.  By deciding to marry her he has made a serious commitment to her.  In my book that entails that you give your spouse the benefit of the doubt.  That means that you don‘t assume lies and bad intentions unless they‘re proven beyond reasonable doubt.  

[JayMar2019 2,741]

37 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

Damn girl you are on point. +1 for you and I ditto everything you just said.

I'm pretty much a "straight no chaser" type of girl!!!

[bigrob1 1]

4 hours ago, Orangesapples said:

The last name doesn't matter. Would OP take her last name? How would you feel if you had to prove your love by changing your name? Facebook and rings don't matter either. So forget complaining about them, it's a bit petty. The lack of affection is concerning though. Focus on this issue, as well as the bills. 

Hey this is the op. I dont' know why but I can't post anymore. I don't know if there is a daily post limit or what since it says I have to wait 24 hours. Anyway, I created another account to at least try to get some more help. To answer your question, no, I wouldn't take her last name. It's because it's tradition to take the husbands last name in this country. I told her about that initially and she said yes. That's why I'm upset about it. Facebook doesn't matter much to me since I don't use it much. What makes me upset is that she uses Facebook much more than me but the other issues exists such as lack of ring and our pictures. I remember back when we were dating and in our long distance relationship, she would post on facebook our pictures and how much she missed me. Now it's like I don't exist on there.

 

4 hours ago, cyberfx1024 said:

You were pregnant and gained weight so that is understandable. I told my wife to take hers off because she kept wearing it even when it was starting to hurt and get stuck, so I did what was right.

 

Then your husband has good leadership if they told him not to wear his ring at work. I was a Telecommunication Technician/Mechanic with the Marines we did not wear our rings either. When you are working on a equipment you sure do not want something to spark over onto your hand or get your hand stuck somewhere due to a ring. Also what's funny now is that my wife complains about my gold ring being scuffed up and worn because I wear it all the time even at work.

I will admit that she does work a manual labor job so I don't expect her to wear her ring to work. However, she doesn't wear it when we go to dinner or go out. She went to visit a friend in another state a few months back and she didn't take the ring. I worked hard to buy that ring. Not to mention that it symbolizes our love. I haven't seen that ring in months and I asked her if she could fit it and she said yes. 

 

3 hours ago, AdilB said:

If you are not happy, you are making someone else happy here. 

Pardon my being blunt, but have you gained weight? Do you drink a lot?

Have you changed in anyway since she has known you? Have you cheated on her?

Could she be turned off by anything since you 2 have met?

Does she take any medication? Has anything happened in her life recently? Traumatized? 

If you answered no to all the above, divorce her and do not expect her to leave the US nor should

you seek revenge in anyway. You got used. Accept it. Learn from it and move on. Best of luck to you.

I haven't gained weight. In fact, I'm close to being the most physically fit that I've ever been in my life. I start as a fire cadet next month so daily workouts are a must. If she is not attracted to me, it's definitely not because of my body.

 

3 hours ago, -Trinity- said:

Sorry, haven't read all the comments, so this might have been brought up already:

 

She is from Ethiopia you said, is there a chance that she is been genitally mutilated? 

A relationship without sex is not working, but maybe understanding the reason behind her refusing having sex with you can help?

 

I haven't that many pics of my husband and me on my FB either, sometimes I forget to put on my wedding ring, and I still have my own name... that's part of my identity. Although I did change it in FB to my husband's name.

All of this doesn't say anything about whether I love my husband or not... atleast in my opinion.

 

She was not genitally mutilated. Also, she is able to orgasm when I give her oral sex. It's not a case of mutilation.

[bigrob1 1]

1 hour ago, moosy said:

Although I understand some of your issues, I would not get too focused on the ring and the last name. Before I came to the US, I said I don't need a ring, and I'll keep my last name. And then I got here, and I changed my mind and am now wearing a ring and changed my last name. It's all different once you actually are forced to make a choice.
The last name is truly an identity part: for me it also felt like I had to give up part of my heritage. I completely understand her in that regard. I would not push on that issue. She has a right to change her mind. Same with the ring: it's truly not a huge issue. So let those two items go for now.

The bigger issues you are actually having: she's not feeling like having sex for some reason (so many reasons for women, honestly, of which hormones is just one), you feel like she's not truly in it for you, and there seems to be a lack of intimacy (although she seems to enjoy spending time with you in an intimate matter with regards to sitting down with you and spending time with you).
These things need to talked out, not just divorced out of. Talk to her. Before you talk to her, look through many websites regarding skills to have these difficult talks, because people in general are horrible at bringing up these very emotional issues. We are very likely to go to "you never do this or that"-attacks, rendering any true talking useless. You will need to look up specific techniques and try those out. These will be multiple talks. If that doesn't work, and she's better at writing, let her write it down.

Sex is tied to emotions for almost all women. If she is not feeling right, the want for sex is going to be very low or non-existent. In addition, did you meet up plenty before you got married, or was she suddenly there after meeting once or twice? Because in that case, it's possible that there is simply no chemistry (which is a much bigger problem).

Another thing is that you do more or less assume you are not loved. Is she speaking a different love language? Perhaps hers is quality time, and yours is touching, in which case you are going to feel unloved. Talk to her about how for you, touching in general is something you enjoy and makes you feel loved.

The job is something else. She is clearly working (that's a very good thing), although she is not making what you wish she would be making. Honestly, it's hard as an immigrant to get a job; I'm a white immigrant with multiple high degrees and I already have trouble; I see colored immigrants have it much more difficult around here. The fact she has a job to begin with, is already great. However, her money is going somewhere, and it's not where you want it to go. You will need to renegotiate that. You know more or less what she is making, so give her part of the bills to handle (not half, if she's clearly not making enough).

I keep forgetting our wedding anniversary date, and so does my husband, so I got a calendar which I hang up near where we both are twice a day or more (he packs and unpacks his lunch on that counter, and I take my pills there), and I make sure to use symbols and write down which important things are happening on it. This way, when our relationship anniversary came up, we both knew up front and there were no excuses. I also mention it up front a few times when my birthday is coming up, or an anniversary. My husband and I are both horrible at it, and neither of us in this marriage unwillingly (definitely willingly haha).

And yes, there is a possibility she is just using you. But there are two sides of each story. You need to make sure to get her side fully, without any judgment and keeping your feelings to yourself in order to hear her full story. Give her enough time to explain, as it's difficult to explain feelings in your native language, let alone, another language. It also seems there has been almost no real communication as you are simply reporting yours, and only have a vague excuse for the anniversary. You need to step up to the plate and start having these difficult talks with her. You still have a bit of time until you decide to get out (which is before August), and if you are feeling you HAVE talked plenty, then marriage counseling would be the way to go. 

Good luck; I truly hope you are wrong about her.

You are right that the ring and last name are not issues on their own. When I collect all the issues and bring them to the front, those 2 issues carry a lot more weight. Also, I understand her not feeling like having sex but come on. A year? Actually over a year now. I feel like she doesn't care. Us guys need sex. She is depriving me of the one thing that would make me happy. It would be different if I was single and living alone. The problem is I'm forced to see an attractive woman in my house everyday and even half naked sometimes but I'm not able to get it. Come on and tell me how I'm supposed to put up with that. 

1 hour ago, crmathew1 said:

I know a lot of people mentioned counselling on here. I am a newly married myself and if I was having any of the problems you mentioned here I would be making an appointment with a counsellor and dragging my husband along with me. Based on what you said about her, like someone else mentioned here, she sounds like she could be suffering from depression (you went from having sex when you used to visit her to not having it later) -if she didn't hesitate to have sex before and is showing a lower libido there might be an underlying medical issues such as depression or hormonal problems- just to err on the side of caution, I would keep these in mind. A few questions:

Was this an arranged marriage or something?

Is she otherwise active on facebook? Does she wear other jewelry?

I ask because this is common in Indian arranged marriages sometimes that the other half marries to come here (have heard a lot of stories like the ones mentioned in the post). If she is not active on facebook I would not worry about the whole facebook thing. I know several inactive people never putting anything personal up on facebook.

And about the jewelry thing-I am newly married- I hate wearing anything except earrings- that is just a personal preference. In my culture we have to wear this necklace with "Minnu" that signifies you are married and our rings- I alwayss forget because I was never used to wearing a necklace or a ring but my husband I know wears them everyday to work.

I would not stress on the last name thing either. It should always be a woman's choice. For her, she left all that she had to come live here with you so she might want to hold on to her last name till she is ready. Like someone else asked- how many times have you seen her before you got married? Was there truly time to build a connection? 

All these things should be talked over in counselling- maybe she expresses her love in a different way. Maybe there truly are problems for both of you. It is a good sign that you are venting, albeit in a forum- talk to her. Is it cultural differences, lifestyle changes? Why is she not happy here? These are things worth exploring before you conclude on your decision to divorce. Plus any good divorce lawyer would ask you if you tried counselling first.

 

It wasn't an arranged marriage. I met her on a dating website. Also, she does wear earrings but besides that, no other jewelry.

 

1 hour ago, Trinab80 said:

Based on what I said above, you know better than everyone of us here what's really happening and what's not. And while I never like to advocate divorce....she's using you for the GC. At this point you can't prevent her from getting it or staying in the US. Just divorce her and keep it peaceful (so that she doesn't try to involve law enforcement which helps her and not you), and learn from this lesson!!!!

 

I wish you the best of luck!!!

I would lose my job if I made a big issue of this so if we do separate, she can do what she wants. I won't be violent and I won't stop her from staying in the country. 

[JayMar2019 2,741]

1 minute ago, bigrob1 said:

 

I would lose my job if I made a big issue of this so if we do separate, she can do what she wants. I won't be violent and I won't stop her from staying in the country. 

And trust me, she knows this as well. But it's not to that she won't become violent - keep in mind, divorces can get messy (alimony and just the shear fact that you are her sponsor, if she quits her job and gets on public assistance you are responsible to pay for that).

 

You have a decision that you need to make, regardless of what we all say here. All we can do is help point out the signs, and give feedback. You're the one living in this every day so you know what is and what isn't. You can try marriage counseling, if that's what she wants to do. But that's not a guarantee that will make things better. You BOTH have to want to make it work and from the sounds of things, it seems you're the only one making it work.

 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[ReRe2015 36]

45 minutes ago, implife said:

I second this. This is not a forum for personal issues. This conversation does not belong on this forum.

Quick Q, Does “I second this” mean “I agree” or “I disagree”?? Got confused it has been used a lot in this topic and each time I get a meaning!!? Thanks!

[Going through 5,671]

2 minutes ago, ReRe2015 said:

Quick Q, Does “I second this” mean “I agree” or “I disagree”?? Got confused it has been used a lot in this topic and each time I get a meaning!!? Thanks!

Means "I agree".

[Jägermasterize 1]

I am sorry about your situation, it doesn’t look easy or comfortable. You seem to have two main choices I think. But in both cases, it feels that there are certain elements that indicates that she may got married for a GC... With that in mind:

 

Option one is to honestly speak with her about all the things you mentioned in a clear and honest way. You seem to have a good idea of what you need and wish in your relationship. You are young and start a new career soon too. That means you look towards future, you have plans and you should be with someone that is aligned with your life goals to be happy on the long term together. You both have an opportunity to reestablish the base of your marriage and honestly share duties and commitment. But as another member pointed out, you should be mindful of her response and evolution because changes cannot happen if she isn’t motivated to operate them or if she lies to you.

 

Option two is divorce. Same here about honesty, you should communicate the motivation of why you wish to divorce her. That is the hard option that can happened soon or later anyway if you continue to be unhappy in your relationship.

 

I wish you all the luck.