I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[armenino15 6]

3 hours ago, bogrob said:

I thought about it  but I'm not sure how useful a marriage counselor would be. 

 

That's what I'm thinking but I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt since everyone needs some time to adjust to a new place. I'm her 2nd boyfriend in her life so as stupid as it sounds, I think she doesn't know how to love someone. 

People don't necessarily need to learn how to love. To a certain degree love is an instinct. Just think about it. Did you even need to learn that you wanted to kiss or do anything else with your first or any other girlfriend? I'm sure not, it was an instinct that you had. If you are having these doubts, they aren't your fault and you should not have to look for things to prove yourself wrong especially when you have so many red flags.

 

--If she told you she was going to change her last name and didn't that means she told you what you wanted to hear at first and then did as she was planning on doing all along (this is my opinion) my wife did not change her last name either however we talked about in advance and we knew.

 

--Sex is a drive that all humans have. Particularly to people that we are attracted to. You might need to learn the act but not the drive. the drive comes instinctively. If in an entire year you only slept together twice then I'm really sorry to say that it has nothing to do with her not having many boyfriends (even that you don't know if its truly true)

 

--Not wearing the ring could technically be harmless however in my view in combination with the rest of the issues that you have pointed out I don't think its harmless. Taking it off once in a while is one thing however not wearing it at all would not be ok with me.

 

--The social media part to me depends on how active she is on FB or any other social media outlet. If for example she is constantly on her FB and posts things other than pictures of you two together then that is definitely a red flag. If she hardly ever goes on then its not that big of a deal.

 

All in all, in the way that you have describe your issues, you have valid reasons to be concerned with first and foremost your personal happiness as well as her intentions. You dont want to find yourself in a situation where she essentially uses you to get her documentation and then decides to divorce you and take half of your things. All I can say is be careful and be smart.

[Lemonslice 4,836]

4 minutes ago, armenino15 said:

People don't necessarily need to learn how to love. To a certain degree love is an instinct. Just think about it. Did you even need to learn that you wanted to kiss or do anything else with your first or any other girlfriend? I'm sure not, it was an instinct that you had. If you are having these doubts, they aren't your fault and you should not have to look for things to prove yourself wrong especially when you have so many red flags.

 

--If she told you she was going to change her last name and didn't that means she told you what you wanted to hear at first and then did as she was planning on doing all along (this is my opinion) my wife did not change her last name either however we talked about in advance and we knew.

 

--Sex is a drive that all humans have. Particularly to people that we are attracted to. You might need to learn the act but not the drive. the drive comes instinctively. If in an entire year you only slept together twice then I'm really sorry to say that it has nothing to do with her not having many boyfriends (even that you don't know if its truly true)

 

--Not wearing the ring could technically be harmless however in my view in combination with the rest of the issues that you have pointed out I don't think its harmless. Taking it off once in a while is one thing however not wearing it at all would not be ok with me.

 

--The social media part to me depends on how active she is on FB or any other social media outlet. If for example she is constantly on her FB and posts things other than pictures of you two together then that is definitely a red flag. If she hardly ever goes on then its not that big of a deal.

 

All in all, in the way that you have describe your issues, you have valid reasons to be concerned with first and foremost your personal happiness as well as her intentions. You dont want to find yourself in a situation where she essentially uses you to get her documentation and then decides to divorce you and take half of your things. All I can say is be careful and be smart.

How people demonstrate their love varies a lot from culture to culture, and from one person to the other. Marriage is also not seen as a "love affair" in many cultures. 

 

As for OP's situation, I have no opinion - to many unknowns (but I'm guessing her side of the story would be interesting).

[MacUK 983]

What I find most telling is the OP saying that on visits to her country before the marriage sex was a daily thing that went down to near non-existent when she got to the States.

 

To me that sounds like she using sex to get her greencard and gave up after this was achieved.

Someone asked earlier if the OP had put on weight recently and if that could be the reason she's not interested in sex, that's a bit shallow! In my opinion love doesn't care about looks as, to someone who loves you, you'll always be attractive.

 

I personally think her main motivation for the marriage was getting to the US, I could be wrong but the red flags are there.

[RLA 323]

8 minutes ago, MacUK said:

What I find most telling is the OP saying that on visits to her country before the marriage sex was a daily thing that went down to near non-existent when she got to the States.  To me that sounds like she using sex to get her greencard and gave up after this was achieved.

If that was indeed her plan then she'd have to keep providing the sex until after her ROC.  Otherwise she'd risk to get sent back after 2 years.  That the sex vanished soon after she got to the States makes me think that there's something else going on.  Or that she's just not as smart and as tough as one'd have to be to pull this off.  

[armenino15 6]

36 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

How people demonstrate their love varies a lot from culture to culture, and from one person to the other. Marriage is also not seen as a "love affair" in many cultures. 

 

As for OP's situation, I have no opinion - to many unknowns (but I'm guessing her side of the story would be interesting).

With all due respect, how many cultures can you name that is ok with premarital sex and then stops after they get married? If what the OP is saying is factually correct then its all too obvious what is going on here. 

[armenino15 6]

2 minutes ago, RLA said:

If that was indeed her plan then she'd have to keep providing the sex until after her ROC.  Otherwise she'd risk to get sent back after 2 years.  That the sex vanished soon after she got to the States makes me think that there's something else going on.  Or that she's just not as smart and as tough as one'd have to be to pull this off.  

very true but don't forget that she is not the one that is going to be filing for divorce. If its the US Citizen who is filing for divorce then she will not have any issues getting past her 2 year green card since the USCIS is not there to adjudicate a he said she said argument between wife and husband. All she will need is an "OK" attorney and she wont have any issues staying here. The hardest part is getting to the united states.

[moosy 139]

Although I understand some of your issues, I would not get too focused on the ring and the last name. Before I came to the US, I said I don't need a ring, and I'll keep my last name. And then I got here, and I changed my mind and am now wearing a ring and changed my last name. It's all different once you actually are forced to make a choice.
The last name is truly an identity part: for me it also felt like I had to give up part of my heritage. I completely understand her in that regard. I would not push on that issue. She has a right to change her mind. Same with the ring: it's truly not a huge issue. So let those two items go for now.

The bigger issues you are actually having: she's not feeling like having sex for some reason (so many reasons for women, honestly, of which hormones is just one), you feel like she's not truly in it for you, and there seems to be a lack of intimacy (although she seems to enjoy spending time with you in an intimate matter with regards to sitting down with you and spending time with you).
These things need to talked out, not just divorced out of. Talk to her. Before you talk to her, look through many websites regarding skills to have these difficult talks, because people in general are horrible at bringing up these very emotional issues. We are very likely to go to "you never do this or that"-attacks, rendering any true talking useless. You will need to look up specific techniques and try those out. These will be multiple talks. If that doesn't work, and she's better at writing, let her write it down.

Sex is tied to emotions for almost all women. If she is not feeling right, the want for sex is going to be very low or non-existent. In addition, did you meet up plenty before you got married, or was she suddenly there after meeting once or twice? Because in that case, it's possible that there is simply no chemistry (which is a much bigger problem).

Another thing is that you do more or less assume you are not loved. Is she speaking a different love language? Perhaps hers is quality time, and yours is touching, in which case you are going to feel unloved. Talk to her about how for you, touching in general is something you enjoy and makes you feel loved.

The job is something else. She is clearly working (that's a very good thing), although she is not making what you wish she would be making. Honestly, it's hard as an immigrant to get a job; I'm a white immigrant with multiple high degrees and I already have trouble; I see colored immigrants have it much more difficult around here. The fact she has a job to begin with, is already great. However, her money is going somewhere, and it's not where you want it to go. You will need to renegotiate that. You know more or less what she is making, so give her part of the bills to handle (not half, if she's clearly not making enough).

I keep forgetting our wedding anniversary date, and so does my husband, so I got a calendar which I hang up near where we both are twice a day or more (he packs and unpacks his lunch on that counter, and I take my pills there), and I make sure to use symbols and write down which important things are happening on it. This way, when our relationship anniversary came up, we both knew up front and there were no excuses. I also mention it up front a few times when my birthday is coming up, or an anniversary. My husband and I are both horrible at it, and neither of us in this marriage unwillingly (definitely willingly haha).

And yes, there is a possibility she is just using you. But there are two sides of each story. You need to make sure to get her side fully, without any judgment and keeping your feelings to yourself in order to hear her full story. Give her enough time to explain, as it's difficult to explain feelings in your native language, let alone, another language. It also seems there has been almost no real communication as you are simply reporting yours, and only have a vague excuse for the anniversary. You need to step up to the plate and start having these difficult talks with her. You still have a bit of time until you decide to get out (which is before August), and if you are feeling you HAVE talked plenty, then marriage counseling would be the way to go. 

Good luck; I truly hope you are wrong about her.

[databit 328]

Do you know if she is a victim of female genital mutilation (FGM)? 

That surgically takes away the main organ of sexual stimulation and response/orgasm, the cli.toris. Prevalent in Ethiopia, despite being outlawed: https://unicefethiopia.org/tag/fgmc/

Edited February 22, 2018 by databit

[RLA 323]

3 minutes ago, armenino15 said:

With all due respect, how many cultures can you name that is ok with premarital sex and then stops after they get married?

America.  It's so common that it's become a cliché, husbands complaining that their wives stopped wanting sex after the wedding. 

[armenino15 6]

1 minute ago, RLA said:

America.  It's so common that it's become a cliché, husbands complaining that their wives stopped wanting sex after the wedding. 

And yet she is not American.

[RLA 323]

1 minute ago, armenino15 said:

And yet she is not American.

I don't think that's exclusive to America.  It can happen in any country where wives feel free enough to only have sex when they want to.  

[O&O 330]

5 hours ago, bad4tatt said:

Well, sounds like she's in it for a green card. I personally, would show her the door. Sex is a big part of a marriage I don't care what anyone says.  Hiding the fact that she is married is another red flag. Save yourself the misery and find someone that is proud to call you their husband.

On point ..

[JayMar2019 2,741]

6 hours ago, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now. - Not taking your last name, while is hurting, can be cultural; although, in most cultures, it is customary and at times required, for the woman to take their husband's last name. The last name distinguishes who the "head of the household" or "provider of the family" is. If she had married someone who was Ethiopian, whether in her country or here, she would have taken his last name...period! However, this shouldn't be a deal breaker, but definitely a "red flag" indicator since she did promise she would take your last name.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all. - This is definitely and should the #1 indicator or deal breaker. Before everyone starts to say "sex isn't everything in a relationship", I, myself, am a woman and SEX makes up half, if not, more than half of the reason to be with someone. With that said, most Latino/Caribbean, West Indies and African countries, the men in these areas pride themselves on sex as it distinguishes their manhood. Women in these countries are raised knowing this as well. You went from having sex DAILY when you went to visit (which is expected since it was a visit and not a permanent stay), to now not having sex but TWICE a year and you two live in the SAME HOUSE 365 days a year! To further elaborate, she only wants YOU to give HER oral (i.e., please her) and her not having to reciprocate in ANY WAY (not even to "fake it" - yes, women can fake having sex)! Maybe in the beginning when she first moved here, it is quite possible that she was depressed or dealing with homesickness/separation anxiety from her country, family & culture. HOWEVER, if she was not a foreigner who just moved to another country, and you met her here or if she was American, had a relationship where sex was on a frequent basis and got married, but all of a sudden, she stops dead in her tracks....what would be the first thing that came to your mind as to why she's not having sex with you (SHE'S CHEATING!) That's the first thing that comes any woman's mind when see a man's pattern change. Furthermore, if you two were having sex has frequently as you said, 9 out of 10, she did that to BAIT YOU, period, point blank and obviously it worked because you kept going back to see her and now you two are married. Just think about how often you two were intimate AND also think about HOW intimate you two would get during sex. If it wasn't boring and dull, then obviously, it's not about her lack of sex drive...just saying!

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it. - Please see the comment about the lack of sex. No affection means...is not into you or no longer into you. We, women, are natural nurtures by instinct and the whole "cater to your man" is real and most times "taught" in other countries outside of the U.S. Her giving you a peck is just to keep you quiet.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be. - Not a deal breaker but red flag....some people don't put their personal lives on FB which nowadays, is not a bad thing; however, just because you have had a formal wedding, does not negate why she's not sharing her life with her family and friends. And the not wearing ring thing....I know a lot of Americans who don't do it, which I find to be extremely disrespectful and this would be a bigger red flag than the FB post because she's walking out the house everyday not showing that she's a married woman.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. - This is something that is a deal breaker. Yes, it's expected that she would send money back to her family; but she's doing this and not giving you ANYTHING?!?!? Just like the sex thing, she's expecting you to do it all and I guarantee that if you divorce her, she will be okay with it because one reason being...she's not paying everything, you are! Her waiting to have kids when you get a bigger house...you do realize that she wants to make sure her name is on the mortgage and/or Deed right and it would have to be as part of the ROC conditions as part of proof of an ongoing marriage.

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot. - Final deal breaker....WOMEN NEVER....I MEAN NEVER, FORGET ANNIVERSARIES!!!! I don't have to go any further than that! We just don't!

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

Based on what I said above, you know better than everyone of us here what's really happening and what's not. And while I never like to advocate divorce....she's using you for the GC. At this point you can't prevent her from getting it or staying in the US. Just divorce her and keep it peaceful (so that she doesn't try to involve law enforcement which helps her and not you), and learn from this lesson!!!!

 

I wish you the best of luck!!!

Edited February 22, 2018 by Trinab80

[crmathew1 59]

I know a lot of people mentioned counselling on here. I am a newly married myself and if I was having any of the problems you mentioned here I would be making an appointment with a counsellor and dragging my husband along with me. Based on what you said about her, like someone else mentioned here, she sounds like she could be suffering from depression (you went from having sex when you used to visit her to not having it later) -if she didn't hesitate to have sex before and is showing a lower libido there might be an underlying medical issues such as depression or hormonal problems- just to err on the side of caution, I would keep these in mind. A few questions:

Was this an arranged marriage or something?

Is she otherwise active on facebook? Does she wear other jewelry?

I ask because this is common in Indian arranged marriages sometimes that the other half marries to come here (have heard a lot of stories like the ones mentioned in the post). If she is not active on facebook I would not worry about the whole facebook thing. I know several inactive people never putting anything personal up on facebook.

And about the jewelry thing-I am newly married- I hate wearing anything except earrings- that is just a personal preference. In my culture we have to wear this necklace with "Minnu" that signifies you are married and our rings- I alwayss forget because I was never used to wearing a necklace or a ring but my husband I know wears them everyday to work.

I would not stress on the last name thing either. It should always be a woman's choice. For her, she left all that she had to come live here with you so she might want to hold on to her last name till she is ready. Like someone else asked- how many times have you seen her before you got married? Was there truly time to build a connection? 

All these things should be talked over in counselling- maybe she expresses her love in a different way. Maybe there truly are problems for both of you. It is a good sign that you are venting, albeit in a forum- talk to her. Is it cultural differences, lifestyle changes? Why is she not happy here? These are things worth exploring before you conclude on your decision to divorce. Plus any good divorce lawyer would ask you if you tried counselling first.

 

[Brittani 484]

6 hours ago, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

I don't want you to take offense to this but it sounds to me that she married you for a green card. It's either that or maybe cultural differences. Maybe wherever she is from doesn't show affection very much. I'm sorry you're going through that but if she really loves you attempt marriage counseling...