I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[bogrob 12]

And yes I know these issues are individually small but as a group, they are big to me. I know there is an adjustment period for her in a new country but I didn't think it would feel like this. I thought I would be loved

[NikLR 13,230]

Just now, bogrob said:

And yes I know these issues are individually small but as a group, they are big to me. I know there is an adjustment period for her in a new country but I didn't think it would feel like this. I thought I would be loved

People assume that immigrating and adjusting to a new country will be easy and it's not.  Even from Canada and the UK it can be very hard.  Maybe your wife is depressed. Maybe she needs more understanding from you.  Maybe you need to think about her instead of yourself. Maybe she needs to do the same. 

 

Regardless this isn't a marriage counselling website, it's an immigration one.  If you want your immigration bases covered, we can help, regardless of how one sided this conversation is.  (have you thought about how she would feel if she knew you talked about her in the manner you have on this forum?  I can tell you for sure I would NOT be wanting to jump my husband's bones!!!!!)

 

Sex =/= love  FYI  You can certainly have either one without the other.   

[Going through 5,671]

Have you talked to her again about all of this since this thread started?  What was her response?

[lysander 14]

On 2/22/2018 at 7:48 AM, bogrob said:

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

Facebook is so destructive of relationships. It creates a lot of opportunity for this type of unnecessary drama, where people end up feeling slighted. It's better to get a girl who doesn't use Facebook at all, because Facebookers tend to devote all their time and attention to trying to impress their FB friends instead of pleasing their spouse. They become narcissistic from all the approval and compliments they get on there, and start thinking that maybe they could have done better. Getting likes from FB friends becomes more important to them than having meaningful relationships with the family members who are with them in person.

Edited March 7, 2018 by lysander

[NikLR 13,230]

18 hours ago, lysander said:

Facebook is so destructive of relationships. It creates a lot of opportunity for this type of unnecessary drama, where people end up feeling slighted. It's better to get a girl who doesn't use Facebook at all, because Facebookers tend to devote all their time and attention to trying to impress their FB friends instead of pleasing their spouse. They become narcissistic from all the approval and compliments they get on there, and start thinking that maybe they could have done better. Getting likes from FB friends becomes more important to them than having meaningful relationships with the family members who are with them in person.

LOL what a load.

 

I am on facebook and instagram.  My husband is not.  He has specifically told me he DOES NOT want a single photo of him on facebook, beyond our wedding photos.  So while I talk about him, I never mention his name, I do not post photos of us, and I respect his feelings on the matter.  That does not mean the family and friends I connect with on facebook are more important or that I, or others, are narcissistic.  In fact I know narcissistic people who are not on any social media, and their relationships suffer from their personality regardless. I have not found facebook to be destructive of my relationship with my spouse, family, or close friends.  But maybe I understand the meaning of balance.  Not everyone does. 

[Going through 5,671]

18 hours ago, lysander said:

Facebook is so destructive of relationships. It creates a lot of opportunity for this type of unnecessary drama, where people end up feeling slighted. It's better to get a girl who doesn't use Facebook at all, because Facebookers tend to devote all their time and attention to trying to impress their FB friends instead of pleasing their spouse. They become narcissistic from all the approval and compliments they get on there, and start thinking that maybe they could have done better. Getting likes from FB friends becomes more important to them than having meaningful relationships with the family members who are with them in person.

If someone's relationship falls apart due to Facebook use (by either party), I'd be willing to bet that Facebook was never the real or main problem to begin with.

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

1 hour ago, NikLR said:

LOL what a load.

 

I am on facebook and instagram.  My husband is not.  He has specifically told me he DOES NOT want a single photo of him on facebook, beyond our wedding photos.  So while I talk about him, I never mention his name, I do not post photos of us, and I respect his feelings on the matter.  That does not mean the family and friends I connect with on facebook are more important or that I, or others, are narcissistic.  In fact I know narcissistic people who are not on any social media, and their relationships suffer from their personality regardless. I have not found facebook to be destructive of my relationship with my spouse, family, or close friends.  But maybe I understand the meaning of balance.  Not everyone does. 

 

As someone who has also been on FB for 13 years, I concur.  Narcissists act like narcissists regardless of what they are doing, social media does not a narcissist make.  Cheaters were cheating before 2004.  

[HabeshaWife2016 26]

Hi,

I remember you from when you posted about your relationship last time shortly after your wife arrived. I'm sorry to hear things have not improved. I can fully relate to what you are going thru as the first 2 years with my Ethiopian husband were hellish, but we were able to turn things around. A couple of thoughts came up for me when reading your post. ( this is going to be super long lol)

 

1)the last name thing: in Ethiopian culture, as she probably told you, the middle name is the first name of her father, and her last name is the first name of her grandfather. Children in ethiopia don't even carry the same last name as their parents, they have their given first name, then take their father's first name. Women don't take change their name, my husband's parents were married 50 years before he passed away, she never changer her name. I can't front, at first I was not sure how I felt about not taking his name. Now I kinda like the fact that my identity before this marriage get's to stay intact.

 

2) Has she has a chance to go home to visit? I don't know how much time you spent in Ethiopia before you married, but it's like completely different planet culturally. My husband had a HUGE identity crisis which lasted almost the whole 2 years before he got a chance to go home for a couple of months. The thing is Ethiopia is pretty much a mono-culture in many ways, the have the strongest/ oldest  national origin story of almost any nation on the planet. To come to the US and be seen as an outsider and be treated like an immigrant/ less than a person devastated him. After he came back from visiting for a couple of months he had so much more perspective and had rebuilt up his confidence. Have you celebrated any of her holy days with her? tried learning any amharic/ oromo/ tegrenya phrases? one turning point for us was when I made Doro Wot for Easter, it was a suggestion from his brother. It was a really big deal for him.

 

3) At the same time, I had to do a lot of internal work to get clear about the type of treatment I was willing to accept. He was mean, and lashed out quite a bit because he was so freaked out. We were staying with my family due to some health issues with my parents. It was incredibly stressful. Still, I had to put strong boundaries on him. I was in the process of leaving him before he really understood that I deserved kindness no mater what was going on with him. When it came down to it, either he loved me , wanted me in his life and was willing to do what it takes

or I was going to leave him. I didn't threaten him with leaving. I told him if he was not willing to be kind to me I would leave. When he didn't, I started the process. Realizing that he could really lose me changed him alot. I also was willing to continue helping him with his immigration journey if that was his only reason for being with me..cuz hey all I did to achieve my USC status was to be born here.... just so he wouldn't waste any more of my time.... I was willing to help him file as diveorced person for his ROC etc.. because really life is too short to be with someone who is trying to use you. He figured out that he did really want this relationship.

 

4) This immigration process creates a very specific power dynamic between the USC and immigrant spouse. It causes so much drama, I wish it wasn't like this. Think about what expectations of a partner you would have if you hadn't sponsored them. One time my husband told me I behaved as if I owned him. It really opened my eyes.

 

5)  The other biggest cultural huddle we had to get over was Ethiopian's tendency to just say whatever to get thru the moment. Culturally for us that is the sign of poor character, and flat out lying. Things are a bit more fluid for them. I seen it with a lot Ethiopians, the face value thing doesn't exist. You always have listen to what they say, watch what they do and call them on their stuff. Having this level of discernment and banter builds their respect for you. It's probably my least favorite cultural difference. So don't take it personal.  But hey.. we could have married a fellow american and not had these kinda issues lol. Cultural or not, I wasn't trying to have to deal with this for the rest of my life..so we had lots of talks about it and things are getting better.

 

I think sometimes when we marry someone from aboard we think we'll instantly get everything we wanted from a partner since we went thru all this paperwork and hoops and stress to be with them. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way, but I love my husband more, in a deeper grounded way, than when we first started because we have been thru some stuff. I wish the best for you both. Take good care of yourself no matter what <3

 

 

[MeAlone 161]

On 2/22/2018 at 7:32 AM, Khallaf said:

I want to tell you something, I married a man and brought him here in 2010, we got married in 2011, what she is doing is the same things that were done to me, I didn't want to see it, I didn't want to admit it to myself, and I most certainly didn't want anyone to say the "I told you so". My husband at that time waiting 5 years 2 days after having gotten his citizenship to tell me that he never loved me, he didn't want to be with me and wanted a divorce.  ALL leading up to was everything you have described....I lost all of who I was I lost my self esteem, I lost the feeling of being loved, I felt alone and betrayed.

 

Do not let yourself get to where I was, notice the signs early, if sitting her down and talking about all you feel and all you notice does not change, then you need to arrange a plane ticket for her and get her out!

 

what she is doing IMO is sucking your life, love, and happiness...

Same here but he traveled back after staying here with me 4 months, 3 of them married, I got the annulment though. But still hurts, my best intentions were badly used.

DIVORCE HER AND LIVE YOUR LIFE. the love and marriage is for 2, you can't make it alone if she is not willing to be with you.

[MeAlone 161]

On 2/23/2018 at 6:01 AM, o0o said:

If i were u I’d make a move fast before she gets perm residency green card coz to me i feel like shes gonna leave once this has been completed. You’ve tried and were patient, don’t be used anymore, put it to an end.

if you still didn't get her 1st green card, get the InfoPass and cancel your Affidavit of Support and divorce her ASAP. Then you will be free to start your life again. If it is the 2nd green card, just divorce ASAP.  Sooner you are out of this marriage, it's better, less complicated emotionally and financially. Forget about how hard financially it will be for her, she is a stranger who is using and milking you, you deserve better wife.

[Jawaree 718]

On 2/22/2018 at 6:48 AM, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

Different culture....there's always two sides to a story, however your side makes her appear unloving or a user, No oral or kisses

are there any hygiene probs if not cut your losses now , thats a taker not a giver....did you already sign if so wish her well bid her

goodbye & move on dude.

[kirkn09 13]

On 2/22/2018 at 7:48 AM, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

better get her outta there before she divorces you and you have to pay on the affidavit lol. 

[Unidentified 2,930]

On 2/22/2018 at 7:48 AM, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

Why does a woman have to change their last name? A lot of women now does not take their husbands last name for different reasons. I took my husbands last name because I am old school but I still miss it sometimes. I don't have an accent when I speak and my last name was my last sign of being a foreigner. But there's a lot of women, especially career oriented women who does not change their last name. And the whole "a woman has to take her husbands name" is pretty outdated. 

 

Could be a lot of reason why she doesn't want to have sex with you. Maybe you're not showing her enough attention, when is the last time you guys went out on a date? It could also be that she can't have sex because it hurts. A lot of women suffer in silence because it hurts when they have sex and they, for some reason, doesn't bring this up with their gynecologist. 

 

Yes, there are red flags in your relationship, but have you talked to her about all this? Try counseling and if you still feel like you want to divorce her, go for it. 

[N-o-l-a 7,168]

17 minutes ago, Unidentified said:

Why does a woman have to change their last name? A lot of women now does not take their husbands last name for different reasons. I took my husbands last name because I am old school but I still miss it sometimes. I don't have an accent when I speak and my last name was my last sign of being a foreigner. But there's a lot of women, especially career oriented women who does not change their last name. And the whole "a woman has to take her husbands name" is pretty outdated. 

 

 

Well, don't worry, people can still probably tell when you mix up do and does.  That's how I can always tell that it is a Scandinavian and not a native.   I think it is endearing when my husband still does it on rare occasion.  

 

Pretty much everyone where I live has a Scandinavian or Polish last name.   

[Unidentified 2,930]

1 minute ago, N-o-l-a said:

 

Well, don't worry, people can still probably tell when you mix up do and does.  That's how I can always tell that it is a Scandinavian and not a native.   I think it is endearing when my husband still does it on rare occasion.  

 

Pretty much everyone where I live has a Scandinavian or Polish last name.   

Well I meant signs when I am talking lol. But nice to know there's still some sign I am a foreigner Sucks to know I spell like ####### in both Swedish and English now  

 

Well you live in Minnesota where all the Scandinavians and I guess Polish people decided to settle down I would like to live there. I've heard that they pretty much have a Swedish village somewhere there. Would be awesome!