I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[bogrob 12]

9 hours ago, dentsflogged said:

In which case, your marriage may already be doomed.  Couples therapy only works for the people that WANT it to work.

 

OP I'm gonna be honest with you here: Your post makes you sound entitled and whingey.  I'm sorry if it's harsh, but it's true.  She's not cleaning and having sex with you enough, and hasn't changed her last name to stamp your ownership all over herself?  It's 2018, not 1918.   If my partner was demanding sex just because we previously had it at a more frequent rate, or was berating me for not cleaning enough, then having more sex with him is the absolute last thing that would happen.

 

Generally speaking if people aren't having sex in a long term relationship, there's a reason. 

She could be depressed. She could have a hormonal issue.  Maybe it's just one of the slumps that every relationship goes through. 

 

She's not a sex-bot designed to spread her legs and clean on command, she's a human being who has feelings and drives of her own and it seems like, for whatever reason, her sex drive is not chugging along right now.  Women's biggest driver for sex is between her ears, so try engaging her brain not just giving her oral.  Romance her with no thought of doing it just to get laid. Do things for her that make her remember & appreciate the good times you've had together. Treat her like you did when you were first dating or on your visits when it wasn't an expectation that she have sex with you. 

 

Others have said that she's "clearly in it for the green card" which could also be true, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, assume it's not and really try to work on the relationship. Try taking her out somewhere that you're both comfortable but also is not in the house so it removes any of the daily "lets just watch that last episode of Mad Men on Netflix" distractions and really try to talk.  Ask if she's unhappy. Ask if there's anything you're doing that she's rather you try to change. Ask if she's homesick, or misses her family, or not feeling well or whatever.  Just ask. Listen with an open mind.  It'll be hard but try not to interrupt or assume anything she may open up about is a personal attack. And when she's had her chance to talk, you try - try it like "this behaviour makes me feel this way" not "I hate when you don't have sex with me"- rather "I feel that we're lacking physical intimacy which makes me feel disconnected" or try putting a positive spin on it like "I really liked it when you used to kiss me more, it made me feel good the whole day" or something. 

At the end of the day, saying that you're only her second ever partner and laying the blame on HER by saying she "doesn't know how to love someone" is a complete copout and laying the whole blame on her.

 

I can't tell if you are being serious or not. I never said that she isn't cleaning enough. I was only upset about the last name since she promised before.  And yes, I am demanding sex more frequently twice per year. If that makes me whiney then so be it. I have feelings and needs just like everybody else. I don't understand why I need to be Captain America while she gets to do any and everything that she wants in this relationship. 

 

Lastly, I have taken her on some trips to try to change scenery. We enjoyed it and I thought we connected more nothing changed. She's told me that she wants to be a better wife but I don't know what the hell that means. I tried to pull it out of her but she wouldn't elaborate. 

[bogrob 12]

2 hours ago, Trinab80 said:

If I could like or up vote this 3 more times, I would. People are missing the whole point of his original statement and taking this to "literal".

 

Whether you married someone from the same culture and country with the same values or someone of the complete opposite, because you enter into a marriage or "union", conversations are had in order to make sure that both partners are on the same page and mutually agree just to make sure that this is what they BOTH want. Not taking his last name WOULD NOT be an issue IF she had not already promised and agreed to do so PRIOR to them getting married. Yes, she is entitled to change her mind; however, a marriage is a give and take and compromising relationship.

 

To make it more relatable, my fiancé (beneficiary) is 30 years old with no kids of his own and I am 38 (USC) with a 15 year old (trust me if you saw me in person you would think I'm younger than fiancé...heck, he did when we met 2 years ago...lol). We have had several conversations about having kids and I know that it is important to him that he has children of his own and have agreed to do so (as long as God and my body allows me to do so). When he and I get married (whenever USCIS decides to approval our K1 petition in this century...smh), and let's say he gets to the US and I change my mind and say no, I don't want to have anymore kids??? Is that not disrespectful to his feelings of what he wanted and we agreed upon? Yes, I have the free will to change my mind whenever I want to, but how fair would that be to him?

 

It's obvious from the OP's post that this was important to him because if it wasn't he wouldn't have mentioned it in the initial post and went to talk about his other issues. Taking his last name has nothing to do with "ownership" or "to be one's property". The whole point is that this is what they agreed upon prior to saying "I do". Yes, women more and more these days are not taking their husband's last names or are hyphenating the name with their maiden name. But a marriage is about honoring your spouses wishes and compromising the "singular" mindset when you decide to be husband and wife.

That's exactly what I'm saying. It upsets me how people can say the last name isn't a big deal. On it's on, it really isn't that big of a deal. If she would have told me she wasn't sure about it, that would have been better. If she would have told me no, then the ball would have been in my court about whether or not I wanted to continue the relationship. The fact that she told me 100% yes and changed her mind after coming here is a big slap in the face and makes me feel like I was deceived. I'm only human just like everyone else. If it didn't still bother me then I wouldn't be here talking about it now.

[Lemonslice 4,989]

26 minutes ago, bogrob said:

That's exactly what I'm saying. It upsets me how people can say the last name isn't a big deal. On it's on, it really isn't that big of a deal. If she would have told me she wasn't sure about it, that would have been better. If she would have told me no, then the ball would have been in my court about whether or not I wanted to continue the relationship. The fact that she told me 100% yes and changed her mind after coming here is a big slap in the face and makes me feel like I was deceived. I'm only human just like everyone else. If it didn't still bother me then I wouldn't be here talking about it now.

Well divorce her if it's such a big deal... ?

[dentsflogged 352]

5 hours ago, Orangesapples said:

Children are totally different from a name. They change your life. Your spouse's last name has no effect on your day to day life. Also, it's hypocritical to insist that your spouse not changing they name is a sign of disrespect when you wouldn't do the same for them

And children are in no way comparable to a last name.  Having kids, or not, should be a deal-breaker in a relationship. If one partner wants them and the other doesn't, then no matter who gets their way in the end, the other will likely (not always) end up with a whole mess of resentments and bitterness - I broke up with my ex the same day he told me that he'd decided that he wanted to start trying to have children within a year of us getting married, because at the time I wasn't sure I wanted them but I was positive I didn't want them within the next 2-3 years.  It's 12 years later and I'm still not sure I want them soon (though I have decided I definatley want my partner's kids).   Changing ones name is literally changing the random sounds that someone makes with their mouth on the rare occasion that they feel the need to call you by your last name, and means (to my mind) basically nothing.

Now is the last name really such a big deal? On it's own, no, it's petty and childish as a thing to argue about.  As part of the bigger picture? Perhaps it's a symptom, not a cause.   We only have OPs side of the story to go on and to be blunt, I doubt we are getting the whole, messy, humans-are-flawed picture, because most people are absolutely loathe to admit that they've got faults and may have at least a little bit of blame in the problems. 

[Unlockable 7,315]

11 minutes ago, dentsflogged said:

And children are in no way comparable to a last name.  Having kids, or not, should be a deal-breaker in a relationship. If one partner wants them and the other doesn't, then no matter who gets their way in the end, the other will likely (not always) end up with a whole mess of resentments and bitterness - I broke up with my ex the same day he told me that he'd decided that he wanted to start trying to have children within a year of us getting married, because at the time I wasn't sure I wanted them but I was positive I didn't want them within the next 2-3 years.  It's 12 years later and I'm still not sure I want them soon (though I have decided I definatley want my partner's kids).   Changing ones name is literally changing the random sounds that someone makes with their mouth on the rare occasion that they feel the need to call you by your last name, and means (to my mind) basically nothing.


Now is the last name really such a big deal? On it's own, no, it's petty and childish as a thing to argue about.  As part of the bigger picture? Perhaps it's a symptom, not a cause.   We only have OPs side of the story to go on and to be blunt, I doubt we are getting the whole, messy, humans-are-flawed picture, because most people are absolutely loathe to admit that they've got faults and may have at least a little bit of blame in the problems. 

Everything you stated is to the points we were trying to make. It is all about COMMUNICATION!

 

The example you gave about your ex wanting kids when you weren't ready for it is how successful communication occurs. If your ex would have told you something different to appease you then turn around and changed his mind after you got married then you would have been bothered. This is why the OP agreeing to it then changing her tune bothers the OP.

 

And the OP just stated it was not a total deal breaker. It was how she changed direction unexpectedly.

 

Quote

it's petty and childish as a thing to argue about

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Changing ones name is literally changing the random sounds that someone makes with their mouth on the rare occasion that they feel the need to call you by your last name, and means (to my mind) basically nothing.

These are simply personal opinions. and nothing is wrong with that. But what may mean nothing to you could be something meaningful to another.

 

7 billion people in the world.... and counting.

[Unlockable 7,315]

17 minutes ago, NuestraUnion said:

This is why the OP agreeing to it then changing her tune bothers the OP.

Meant to say "the OP's wife agreeing to it"

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

On ‎2‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 7:48 AM, bogrob said:

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point.....Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place.

There you go.  She's not holding up her part, so time to cut the string.  She was being affectionate and loving before she came to the US because she was playing you.  Now that she's here, she's being real.  She has no interest in you. 

 

As for where she'll go, not your problem.  She decided to be this way, so now she can decide where to live.  I wouldn't worry too much about the I-864 stuff.  Even if she goes on welfare, the likelihood of you having issues is almost zero.

 

Also, divorce her because I can almost guarantee that as soon as ROC rolls around, she'll be divorcing you.  In many states, first one to file does better in the divorce.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

On ‎2‎/‎22‎/‎2018 at 8:23 AM, bogrob said:

I never saw any red flags about her green card and even now, she doesn't have it. She has the work permit but we are waiting for the green card.

Oh, I assumed she had it already, since she's been here for almost 2 years.  In that case, pull the I-864 TODAY so her green card gets denied!

 

Let her find another sucker, don't let it be you.

[Eric-Pris 1,607]

5 hours ago, bogrob said:

That's exactly what I'm saying. It upsets me how people can say the last name isn't a big deal. On it's on, it really isn't that big of a deal. If she would have told me she wasn't sure about it, that would have been better. If she would have told me no, then the ball would have been in my court about whether or not I wanted to continue the relationship. The fact that she told me 100% yes and changed her mind after coming here is a big slap in the face and makes me feel like I was deceived. I'm only human just like everyone else. If it didn't still bother me then I wouldn't be here talking about it now.

Honestly, to ME (again to me, not you or anybody else), the last name issue is a minor issue if at all.  To me, a man insisting that a woman take his last name in marriage is some kind of internal insecurity issue.  Again, it could be other reasons that's just my feeling.

 

The facebook thing is a complete non-issue.  Yes, she may be on FB and posts, so what, are you really that upset about FB?  Like somebody said, when did FB because an important part of a marriage?

 

The ring thing could be a big issue.  That's a personal choice.  I personally hate jewelry, so I never wear my ring.  My wife always wears hers.  She would like me to wear mine but understands that I don't like jewelry, especially rings and bracelets.  I did wear a neck chain for a long time when I was younger.

 

The no sex thing is a MAJOR issue.  That would be a deal breaker for me.  That is a big way to show your love as one and attractiveness towards your spouse.  Not being interested in it basically means that she doesn't find you attractive.  She married you for a GC and to send money home.  I wouldn't be surprised if she was married or had her real love there waiting for her to get legal here.

 

I don't see how this could be salvaged.  Based on what YOU wrote, she is clearly not interest in this marriage.  I think that you know what you should do, but are afraid to because you don't want to be alone.  But it sounds like you kind of are alone already in many ways.  You said something about having a hard time financially if you divorce.  Why?  You said that she doesn't contribute anything.  Less mouths to feed. 

 

Good luck

[Going through 5,671]

Well...the OP did state later on in this thread that his wife works a manual/labor job so he can understand why she wouldn't wear her ring every day to work.

And in terms of the last name thing....we don't know the kind of conversation that took place between them when she promised to take his last name (perhaps at that time he was pressuring her to do it/she felt pressured to do it and then changed her mind once here).  

As for the sex thing---the OP said there's no underlying medical issue, but unless the wife is examined by a physician/gynecologist specifically in regards to the sex issue he wouldn't really know for sure, so may be a possibility.  More likely, there's an underlying "emotional/mental block" issue when it comes to sex (if she's not in it just for the green card), maybe depression, cultural shock, lots of possible factors only known to her at this point.

 

Definitely need more communication---hopefully it happens.

[janet3 1,170]

So....you think that marriage counseling isn't the thing for you but you are asking a visa forum for relationship advice?  Ummmmm........

Not only that.....but after reading everything on this thread....I think you answered your own question. ...your wife TOLD you that she didn't want to have or raise children in a home that was made for you and your ex wife......I would assume having sex would fall under that stipulation......

[TBoneTX 46,276]

Two noncontributory posts have been removed.  Post constructively, or don't post.

[Aussielad 37]

On 2/22/2018 at 9:03 PM, Orangesapples said:

Since when is Facebook central to a relationship? 

It isn't...if you READ CLEARLY all the other factors I mentioned...that was just one...but the others are more serious...

[moosy 139]

The more you post, OP, the more scared I get of you. I read each of your comments and replies, and there are quite a few things that make me think back of an emotionally abusive relationship I had.

 

For example, you said: "She is from the Amhara region and there is some civil unrest in her area. I could see that bringing some stress in her life but I don't see why I should suffer because of that."

I'm not sure if I've ever seen less empathy from a man for his wife. "sure, her family and friends might die, but why do -I- need to suffer?"

It's extremely self-focused.

 

Another is that you consider the name change "a slap in the face".

Really? A slap in the face? I told my husband that I was NOT taking his name ... right up until I had the forms in front of me and had to make the decision, and I chose to do so after all for my own selfish reasons. That is my right. No one told me that I needed to do this, and I changed my mind BECAUSE I AM A PERSON. In Europe, there are heaps of differences between countries; where I am from, the woman does not take the man's name, despite being allowed to. The man doesn't take her name, despite being allowed to. 

It is a HUGE part of her identity, and not being able to even get your mind wrapped around this idea, is an additional sign of your disrespect for the situation she is in.

I changed my mind about not taking his name, so I assume I somehow slapped my husband in the face as well? He did not even care one bit, and I could have been called Banana Hammock for all he cares. That's because he respects that I make my own decisions and he doesn't fall over every little thing

 

(The comparison of someone else equating it with changing your mind about children is very off. Wanting children and going into a relationship wanting children, and then suddenly changing your mind after marriage, is definitely a reason for divorce: these are irreconcilable differences and are nowhere near the same range as taking someone's name or not. I'm assuming you are taking notes.) 

 

I also shuddered when you said that you were having trouble with having a sexy lady running around the house who doesn't want to have sex with you as if it is such a huge effort of yours not to force her to have sex with you: it sounds like the typical rape-excuse: "what does she expect!".

 

There are other signs, to which others have already pointed (the focus on sex, the expectation of sex, the focus on the petty details that are meaningless to others, expectation of her doing housework to your standards, paying her while she was still in Nigeria, etc).  That and the complete lack of empathy for huge things to her, while also being pointed to this being a possible issue by others.

I think others have also pressed on the fact that this is a one-sided story, so some of them at least have some doubts as well.

 

You also sound like you have set your mind to divorcing her already, and are now growing spiteful and angry and using every comment that goes your way for more fuel.

 

I am pulling out of this as a contributor. I think we are seeing an extremely limited story from you.

I thought at first that she might be using you for your greencard, but now you have convinced me that there is something else entirely going on.

 

I wish her the best of luck.

[bogrob 12]

8 hours ago, moosy said:

The more you post, OP, the more scared I get of you. I read each of your comments and replies, and there are quite a few things that make me think back of an emotionally abusive relationship I had.

 

For example, you said: "She is from the Amhara region and there is some civil unrest in her area. I could see that bringing some stress in her life but I don't see why I should suffer because of that."

I'm not sure if I've ever seen less empathy from a man for his wife. "sure, her family and friends might die, but why do -I- need to suffer?"

It's extremely self-focused.

 

Another is that you consider the name change "a slap in the face".

Really? A slap in the face? I told my husband that I was NOT taking his name ... right up until I had the forms in front of me and had to make the decision, and I chose to do so after all for my own selfish reasons. That is my right. No one told me that I needed to do this, and I changed my mind BECAUSE I AM A PERSON. In Europe, there are heaps of differences between countries; where I am from, the woman does not take the man's name, despite being allowed to. The man doesn't take her name, despite being allowed to. 

It is a HUGE part of her identity, and not being able to even get your mind wrapped around this idea, is an additional sign of your disrespect for the situation she is in.

I changed my mind about not taking his name, so I assume I somehow slapped my husband in the face as well? He did not even care one bit, and I could have been called Banana Hammock for all he cares. That's because he respects that I make my own decisions and he doesn't fall over every little thing

 

(The comparison of someone else equating it with changing your mind about children is very off. Wanting children and going into a relationship wanting children, and then suddenly changing your mind after marriage, is definitely a reason for divorce: these are irreconcilable differences and are nowhere near the same range as taking someone's name or not. I'm assuming you are taking notes.) 

 

I also shuddered when you said that you were having trouble with having a sexy lady running around the house who doesn't want to have sex with you as if it is such a huge effort of yours not to force her to have sex with you: it sounds like the typical rape-excuse: "what does she expect!".

 

There are other signs, to which others have already pointed (the focus on sex, the expectation of sex, the focus on the petty details that are meaningless to others, expectation of her doing housework to your standards, paying her while she was still in Nigeria, etc).  That and the complete lack of empathy for huge things to her, while also being pointed to this being a possible issue by others.

I think others have also pressed on the fact that this is a one-sided story, so some of them at least have some doubts as well.

 

You also sound like you have set your mind to divorcing her already, and are now growing spiteful and angry and using every comment that goes your way for more fuel.

 

I am pulling out of this as a contributor. I think we are seeing an extremely limited story from you.

I thought at first that she might be using you for your greencard, but now you have convinced me that there is something else entirely going on.

 

I wish her the best of luck.

I think you are cherry picking information from what I've said. First, I do care about her family back home. However, this was already an issue even before she moved here. She was not depressed about this before. I do care for her feelings but I also feel that I shouldn't have to suffer because of this. If she were here telling you guys that I was depressed and taking my anger out in her, you'd be helping her plot her exit.

 

As far as the name, yes I do consider it a slap in the face. As I mentioned before, she initially said she would take it. It wasn't an issue at all. It was after she came here that she immediately changed her mind in the end. I dealt with it as best as I could but I have a right to be upset about it. If she had initially said she wasn't sure in the beginning, I would feel better about it. 

 

Finally, I am a man and I need sex. All my parts work correctly and I get horny at times just as other men. I said it's unfair that she could be around me in this matter and not have sex with me. Maybe my sex drive is higher but should I apologize for that???

 

So there's nothing abusive about what I said and I'm not a rapist. I'm just pouring out my feelings to get help to save my marriage. You are right that there are 2 sides to every story but I tried my best to lay everything out honestly so I could get a fair assessment. I'm sorry about your previous relationship but I am not him.