I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[Christy&J 837]

22 hours ago, mrandmrsBRS said:

I still have my last name but only because it was too expensive to file the form to change my name. I’ll probably change it once I can apply for citizenship. I do not wear my ring, and neither does my husband...Only on special occasions. I don’t because I couldn’t wear it during pregnancy and the ring is heavy and now it really bothers me, idk why. My husband is not allowed to wear his at work, he is an aircraft mechanic. 

 

Also, I haven’t worked yet, so I couldn’t help with paying the bills. I got pregnant 4 months after I came to the US. The military moved us and so it didn’t make

sense and I had awful nausea. Then I gave birth and we are now trying to find a daycare so I can study and go back to work.

 

I don’t want to say that she is only in it

for the green card, but it could very well be that she is. I would suggest going to a marriage counselor and if that doesn’t help or if it gets worse show her the door..

 

I am sorry you are going through this!

though you don't wear wedding ring, didn't take his last name and didn't help with bill, still you have relationship with him " sex " this dude's wife doesn't even let him touch her which I mean it is a really big red flag.

[Little_Vixen 1,869]

I think we can all agree that every single one of the points the OP makes in itself don't have to be a big deal. I think in most marriages at least one or more of these situations come up. And yes, complaining about these points could be considered whiney. BUT!!! The OP isn't talking about just one problem. They have several. Added up I think he needs to seriously sit back and look at the situation. 

 

23 hours ago, cyberfx1024 said:

Does she send her money home to Ethiopia?

He already said she did.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

5 minutes ago, Little_Vixen said:

I think we can all agree that every single one of the points the OP makes in itself don't have to be a big deal. I think in most marriages at least one or more of these situations come up. And yes, complaining about these points could be considered whiney. BUT!!! The OP isn't talking about just one problem. They have several. Added up I think he needs to seriously sit back and look at the situation. 

 

He already said she did.

When I asked that question he did not say she did send money home. That was like on the 1st or 2nd page of this thread.

[Unlockable 7,314]

1 hour ago, dentsflogged said:

I don't necessarily disagree that it's an issue, but are people not allowed to change their minds? I doubt there's been a single person on this forum or thread who hasn't said "When X happens I will do Y" but when they find themselves in the scenario, realise that the reality of it is very different and that they perhaps don't want to do that thing anymore, or don't want to do it right away.

As others have pointed out, OP's wife left home, family, country, culture and everything she'd ever known, perhaps the idea of giving up her last name (in the short term - it can always be changed later) was one thing too many right now.

 

Of course people are allowed to change their minds.

 

It is like a person saying they want children then when their partner is ready they say they have a change of heart. The question is, is it something that could affect a marriage? Of course. If a person knew from the start what another is expecting from them and they no longer agree to it, why continue? If she can change her mind about taking his last name, he can change his mind about staying in the relationship.

 

If the name change issue, which again was communicated prior to them getting married, combined with the other issues are a big deal for the OP, he has every right to have an issue with it and want out.

 

I just don't want the OP to feel he is being unfair about it.

 

Again, if it is important to him, and he communicated it with her prior to moving forward with their union, yet she changed her mind about it after they marry. He has every right to be bothered by it.

 

Quote

Exactly. If I felt my spouse didn't respect my decision to change my mind on something as trivial as a name, then I wouldn't feel comfortable doing many other things with them...

See that is the thing. To some people, and even cultures, taking the husband's last name is extremely important. There are plenty of customs in different cultures that I find minor but could be a deal breaker for them.

 

We are talking about people who have different views on this. And like I said earlier, the OP communicated this with his wife. If she wasn't 100% sure she wanted to take his name...even if she told him she would do it to please him... she should have never gone through with it.

Edited February 23, 2018 by NuestraUnion

[Little_Vixen 1,869]

23 hours ago, bogrob said:

 

Yes she regularly sends money home to her parents there. That's why I don't press her about helping with bills since her money isn't a lot. Still, it becomes an issue when I criticize the big picture. 

@cyberfx1024

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

10 minutes ago, Little_Vixen said:

@cyberfx1024

If you look he was actually responding to me when he said it. He responded to what I asked him about sending money home. Like I said your behind the times we discussed this all yesterday on page 1&2.

[JayMar2019 2,741]

6 hours ago, dentsflogged said:

Well, .  I guess I have to hand in my uterus now, since I have no freaking CLUE when my anniversary is.

Sometime in the last week of August is the closest I can manage.  I also couldn't tell you what year my partner was born without having to do the math (I know the day, but have to do the numbers to work out the year) and could probably, if I was offered money for it, get a reasonably close guess for other key events.  But yet, I can tell you the exact details of a conversation I had with someone years ago with very little prompting.  Some people just don't care about meaningless stuff like anniversaries. It's literally just a day on a calendar which marks off another year since an event.  In many places, anniversaries aren't even a thing like they are in the west. 

 

While I'm not gonna have a back and forth about my point because I said what I said and stand by what I said I will simply say this....people remember what they CHOOSE to remember. Even with what you just said, you can remember exact details of a conversation years ago, and also know the month of your anniversary and partner's birthday. Based on the OP's initial post (which I see you must have took some time to read it since you picked and chose which part of my response to comment about), the fact he reminded his wife that their anniversary was coming up, and wanted to plan something with her only for her to show no enthusiasm or excitement, and then to bring it up that they missed the day itself to celebrate it and her nonchalant response to the whole thing, shows an indication that she's not into him and/or the relationship as much as he thought. Considering that it was the 1st year anniversary as a married couple and her response was what it was even AFTER he initiated the idea to go celebrate it, is a clear sign of a detachment. Women, whether east, west, north, south - here or there or anywhere, do not act like this if they are still emotionally attached.

 

By the way, having a uterus while makes you a "female", doesn't make you emotionally attached to spouse or anyone, so you can keep "that" all to yourself, because your rude comment is clearly not needed here...especially directed at me!!!

 

Have a good day!!

 

 

Edited February 23, 2018 by Trinab80

[JayMar2019 2,741]

3 hours ago, NuestraUnion said:

I am noticing people are taking issue with the fact that the OP is bothered that his wife didn't take his last name. Yes, she has every right not to take his name but I think many are missing the problem with that situation.

 

The problem is that she was in agreement to taking his last name up until after they got married. Then her tone changed and she said she couldn't do it.

 

That right there is a huge manipulation tactic and is highly disrespectful.

If I could like or up vote this 3 more times, I would. People are missing the whole point of his original statement and taking this to "literal".

 

Whether you married someone from the same culture and country with the same values or someone of the complete opposite, because you enter into a marriage or "union", conversations are had in order to make sure that both partners are on the same page and mutually agree just to make sure that this is what they BOTH want. Not taking his last name WOULD NOT be an issue IF she had not already promised and agreed to do so PRIOR to them getting married. Yes, she is entitled to change her mind; however, a marriage is a give and take and compromising relationship.

 

To make it more relatable, my fiancé (beneficiary) is 30 years old with no kids of his own and I am 38 (USC) with a 15 year old (trust me if you saw me in person you would think I'm younger than fiancé...heck, he did when we met 2 years ago...lol). We have had several conversations about having kids and I know that it is important to him that he has children of his own and have agreed to do so (as long as God and my body allows me to do so). When he and I get married (whenever USCIS decides to approval our K1 petition in this century...smh), and let's say he gets to the US and I change my mind and say no, I don't want to have anymore kids??? Is that not disrespectful to his feelings of what he wanted and we agreed upon? Yes, I have the free will to change my mind whenever I want to, but how fair would that be to him?

 

It's obvious from the OP's post that this was important to him because if it wasn't he wouldn't have mentioned it in the initial post and went to talk about his other issues. Taking his last name has nothing to do with "ownership" or "to be one's property". The whole point is that this is what they agreed upon prior to saying "I do". Yes, women more and more these days are not taking their husband's last names or are hyphenating the name with their maiden name. But a marriage is about honoring your spouses wishes and compromising the "singular" mindset when you decide to be husband and wife.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

59 minutes ago, Trinab80 said:

If I could like or up vote this 3 more times, I would. People are missing the whole point of his original statement and taking this to "literal".

 

Whether you married someone from the same culture and country with the same values or someone of the complete opposite, because you enter into a marriage or "union", conversations are had in order to make sure that both partners are on the same page and mutually agree just to make sure that this is what they BOTH want. Not taking his last name WOULD NOT be an issue IF she had not already promised and agreed to do so PRIOR to them getting married. Yes, she is entitled to change her mind; however, a marriage is a give and take and compromising relationship.

 

To make it more relatable, my fiancé (beneficiary) is 30 years old with no kids of his own and I am 38 (USC) with a 15 year old (trust me if you saw me in person you would think I'm younger than fiancé...heck, he did when we met 2 years ago...lol). We have had several conversations about having kids and I know that it is important to him that he has children of his own and have agreed to do so (as long as God and my body allows me to do so). When he and I get married (whenever USCIS decides to approval our K1 petition in this century...smh), and let's say he gets to the US and I change my mind and say no, I don't want to have anymore kids??? Is that not disrespectful to his feelings of what he wanted and we agreed upon? Yes, I have the free will to change my mind whenever I want to, but how fair would that be to him?

 

It's obvious from the OP's post that this was important to him because if it wasn't he wouldn't have mentioned it in the initial post and went to talk about his other issues. Taking his last name has nothing to do with "ownership" or "to be one's property". The whole point is that this is what they agreed upon prior to saying "I do". Yes, women more and more these days are not taking their husband's last names or are hyphenating the name with their maiden name. But a marriage is about honoring your spouses wishes and compromising the "singular" mindset when you decide to be husband and wife.

Children are totally different from a name. They change your life. Your spouse's last name has no effect on your day to day life. Also, it's hypocritical to insist that your spouse not changing they name is a sign of disrespect when you wouldn't do the same for them

[Unlockable 7,314]

The OP (although I do agree that it is one side of the story) informed us that the reason his wife don't want to change her last name is because it is important to her family and she doesn't want to disrespect her father.

 

So on her side the last name is important enough to keep in honor of her father(family), but on his side it is considered a minor issue that he shouldn't be bothered with. This is what baffles me.

 

And I can't reiterate enough that the last name topic was communicated to her prior to their marriage. If she didn't want to disrespect her father, why even agree to it? He may have still married her with that understanding.

 

The last name issue seems to be the focus for a lot of people but in reality there are compounding issues with what is going on in the OP's relationship.

[Orangesapples 1,954]

7 minutes ago, NuestraUnion said:

The OP (although I do agree that it is one side of the story) informed us that the reason his wife don't want to change her last name is because it is important to her family and she doesn't want to disrespect her father.

 

So on her side the last name is important enough to keep in honor of her father(family), but on his side it is considered a minor issue that he shouldn't be bothered with. This is what baffles me.

 

And I can't reiterate enough that the last name topic was communicated to her prior to their marriage. If she didn't want to disrespect her father, why even agree to it? He may have still married her with that understanding.

 

The last name issue seems to be the focus for a lot of people but in reality there are compounding issues with what is going on in the OP's relationship.

It is the focus because it makes him sound like an #######. 

[JayMar2019 2,741]

1 hour ago, Orangesapples said:

Children are totally different from a name. They change your life. Your spouse's last name has no effect on your day to day life. Also, it's hypocritical to insist that your spouse not changing they name is a sign of disrespect when you wouldn't do the same for them

It is disrespectful when it was agreed upon between the 2 of them and far from hypocrisy. And having children has the same affect as a changing of a last name. Take the physical nature of child-bearing out of the equation because again if you read what I wrote, the decision to have a child between husband and wife is the same type of conversation that two have about anything else that BOTH husband and wife want and would like from EACH OTHER.

 

It is disrespectful to MISLEAD someone on what you have already promised you would do beforehand. There is a difference between a person's personal choice and right to change their mind vs. someone breaking their word or "promise". And as I have said before...she has the right to change her mind if she wants to. BUT she told him that this something that she would do as it would make him happy to do so. Based on that itself, it is disrespectful because as he doing what he can to make her happy, she has chosen (by her own free will and right), not to honor his request.

 

I'm all about pro-choice, and I'm 100% about women's rights to choose and decide and I'm a feminist all the way through. But when you make a promise you are expected to keep it. She misled him on that, period.

 

FYI...if she would have married someone within her cultural beliefs or from her country, she would have taken her husband's last name, no questions asked!

 

The issue is not the "literal" part about her changing her mind. The issue the OP is stating that this was discussed prior to them getting married, she agreed and promised to do so, she got here to the U.S. and married him and now she's not keeping her word nor acting the way she was PRIOR to saying "I do". If she was truthful about it in the beginning, I'm sure the OP wouldn't have even mentioned it in his initial post.

 

It's not any different than having children because I'm not gonna tell my fiancé, "yeah, babe, I want to have more children and I want to have and expand our family and give you a child", prior to marriage just to marry him and then say "nope, I changed my mind, sorry". Why set him up with the expectation or waste his time and disrespect his wishes???

 

Stop making this so "literal" and see it for it he is saying. The things she once did and said she would do, she isn't or has stopped doing them!

 

 

 

 

Edited February 23, 2018 by Trinab80

[Little_Vixen 1,869]

2 hours ago, cyberfx1024 said:

If you look he was actually responding to me when he said it. He responded to what I asked him about sending money home. Like I said your behind the times we discussed this all yesterday on page 1&2.

Then I'm probably completely misunderstanding you. Carry on. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

5 minutes ago, Little_Vixen said:

Then I'm probably completely misunderstanding you. Carry on. 

Not a problem.

[bogrob 12]

13 hours ago, Natyerus said:

I am truly sorry for all the things happening between you and your "wife". If you don't mind let me ask you the following questions. 

*What did you tell her about life in America before she came to the state? Did you kinda EXAGGERATE about your income, job, house, car? 

* Is there a lot of Ethiopian community in your area? 

* Is she from Oromia or Amhara region? The reason I am asking these questions is because I think you know that there is civil unrest in some parts of Ethiopia and may be her families are in danger and she is worrying about them. 

 

 

I didn't exaggerate anything about life here. I sent her money before she came and she knew I was able to care for a family. I have the basics like house/car etc... I did not sell her any dream.

 

Yes there are a lot of Ethiopian in this area and also at her job. 

 

She is from the Amhara region and there is some civil unrest in her area. I could see that bringing some stress in her life but I don't see why I should suffer because of that. We should be in the honeymoon phase right now. I don't feel like I should be having these issues less than 2 years in to the marriage. 

12 hours ago, JE57 said:

You said a couple of things... Your are only the 2nd man she's been intimate with... .You said she will cuddle with you and that she allows (enjoys) you giving her Oral.  I would suggest a possible alternative narrative here....  She, unknown to herself, and unwilling to admit it is actually a Lesbian and she's depressed because she confused and scared that maybe just maybe she is a Lesbian and doesn't want to be.   It's a bit out there as  a theory but maybe something to consider given what you've said.   She didn't know it when you were with her in her home country either and it was only thru the experience with you that she's learning (reluctantly) that she's not into men.      

I doubt she is a lesbian. That's something that would be shameful in her culture. She would have to cut off her family if she decided to do that.