I'm thinking about divorcing my wife. Need Advice

[bogrob 12]

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

12 minutes ago, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

What country is she from????

 

I know I would be like you if this happened to me because we are both around the same age so I completely understand with what your feeling.

Edited February 22, 2018 by cyberfx1024

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

 

Just now, cyberfx1024 said:

What country is she from????

Exactly what I was wanting to know

Edited February 22, 2018 by Chris Duffy

[bogrob 12]

She's from Ethiopia

[bad4tatt 168]

13 minutes ago, bogrob said:

Sorry if this turns out to be long but I need to vent. I met my fiancee 3 years ago and started the K1 process for her. She's been living with me here in the US since August 2016. I think she is happy in this marriage but I'm not happy for several reasons. I'm torn because I want to divorce her and call it quits but I don't know if that's the right/fair thing to do right now. Here are the issues that I have with her:

 

-She didn't take my last name. Prior to her coming here, she said that she would take my last name. Once she got married here (court house wedding), she decided she would keep her own last name. We fought briefly over it but she said that she would feel like she's giving up her identity by taking my last name. She said it would be disrespectful to her father. Although I was upset, I tried to let it go. It still hurt that she didn't say this before she came and obviously it's still an issue since I'm still thinking about it now.

 

-We don't have sex. When I used to visit her in her country, we would have sex almost daily. Since she's been here in the US, we rarely have sex. Last year (2017) we had sex twice. Yes you read that right. Twice! Now if I initiate and give her oral sex, she enjoys that. But as far as traditional sex, she has no sex drive here. When I try to initiate, she acts like she is tired. She has never given me oral sex which is something she said she would do before she came. As of 2018, we haven't had sex yet although I have given her oral sex several times. I don't know what to think about this. I don't know if I'm just not asserting myself enough or what. I sat her down and told her I need sex and I'm not a robot. She said she will try harder but I have not seen any change. This is probably the most frustrating issue of all.

 

-She shows little to no affection. She used to didn't kiss me until I called her out on it. Now I do get a peck on the lips before she goes to work in the morning. Besides that, I initiate all affection. Foot massages, hugs, etc.... I initiate it all. I feel that if I never touched her, she would be happy about it.

 

-She doesn't seem to be proud of our marriage. Sometimes I don't even feel married at all. She doesn't wear her ring at all. On Facebook, she's "In a relationship" but it doesn't say with who. I think I'm in 1 picture on her facebook but besides that, I feel she doesn't claim me if that makes any sense. This hurts because I see friends facebook and even the ones that aren't married show pictures of their significant other. People that are married claim each other and are proud of it. Now in her defense, we did plan on returning to her country one day for a formal wedding but I don't even know when that will be.

 

-She doesn't help on bills. She's not making much money on her job so I don't pressure her to contribute to the household. Still, she promised before she came that she would work and help out with bills. Maybe this issue wouldn't seem so bad if all the other issues didn't exist. 

 

-She forgot our anniversary. Our anniversary was Feb 6th. I reminded her about a week prior and she said "Oh maybe we can go somewhere". She didn't seem enthused or excited at all so I just let the day come and go. She didn't mention anything about our anniversary. I brought it up this morning that we missed it and she acted all distraught like she was so sorry she forgot.

 

Overall, I feel like I'm not getting anything from this marriage. I feel like my job is to take care of her. All I do is provide room and board at this point. When we are home together, she acts like she loves me. She calls me pet names and wants to cuddle watching movies. Outside of that, I'm getting nothing from this marriage. I feel like I'm giving her all my non-sexual energy and none of my sexual energy. I thought we would have children and start a new life but I feel she is ashamed of me. I'm in my mid 30's and starting at the Fire academy next month. In less than a year, I'll be starting a new career as a Firefighter. Right now, I can't even concentrate because these issues have me stressed out and depressed. On one hand, I want to tell her that I want a divorce and we should move on. On the other hand, I don't know if I need to give her more time to learn to love me. I don't know if I should just pull back my love and focus more on myself until I decide what to do. I'm too young to be in a sexless unaffectionate marriage. I'm not the most handsome guy but I know I can do better. Still, I've invested so much in this marriage so it's hard to let it go. Finally, she has no family in this country so her options would be limited if we divorced. She could return to her country but I doubt she would do that. She would most likely just need to save some money and get her own place. Anyway, sorry for venting for so long. I'm confused and I'm hoping someone here can lend some useful advice. 

Well, sounds like she's in it for a green card. I personally, would show her the door. Sex is a big part of a marriage I don't care what anyone says.  Hiding the fact that she is married is another red flag. Save yourself the misery and find someone that is proud to call you their husband.

[Going through 5,671]

Have the two of you considered marriage counselling?

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

2 minutes ago, bad4tatt said:

Well, sounds like she's in it for a green card. I personally, would show her the door. Sex is a big part of a marriage I don't care what anyone says.  Hiding the fact that she is married is another red flag. Save yourself the misery and find someone that is proud to call you their husband.

I second this as well.

[bogrob 12]

2 minutes ago, Going through said:

Have the two of you considered marriage counselling?

I thought about it  but I'm not sure how useful a marriage counselor would be. 

 

3 minutes ago, bad4tatt said:

Well, sounds like she's in it for a green card. I personally, would show her the door. Sex is a big part of a marriage I don't care what anyone says.  Hiding the fact that she is married is another red flag. Save yourself the misery and find someone that is proud to call you their husband.

That's what I'm thinking but I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt since everyone needs some time to adjust to a new place. I'm her 2nd boyfriend in her life so as stupid as it sounds, I think she doesn't know how to love someone. 

[Khallaf 650]

2 minutes ago, bad4tatt said:

Well, sounds like she's in it for a green card. I personally, would show her the door. Sex is a big part of a marriage I don't care what anyone says.  Hiding the fact that she is married is another red flag. Save yourself the misery and find someone that is proud to call you their husband.

I am going to second that, not wearing your wedding ring, not that changing status on social media is all that important, I for one do not and neither does my husband have any personal relationship things on FB but we both wear our rings and talk daily all the time and when we go to sleep at night it is always at the same time. the things that you have described are that of a person in it just to get here. I am sure that you are a man of good moral character give her time to afford a plane ticket, or get one for her. to me she is not invested in a marriage IMO that is what it sounds like. 

[Khallaf 650]

1 minute ago, bogrob said:

I thought about it  but I'm not sure how useful a marriage counselor would be. 

 

That's what I'm thinking but I feel like I need to give her the benefit of the doubt since everyone needs some time to adjust to a new place. I'm her 2nd boyfriend in her life so as stupid as it sounds, I think she doesn't know how to love someone. 

it sounds to me that she is telling you and trying to force herself to making it until its time for the ROC, if you don't catch the head of a snake it might come back to bite you, now she would still have the option to stay here and ROC without you, but this way your not putting who you are and what you feel in a bigger sacrifice. Never lose who you are when trying to comfort another.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

4 minutes ago, Khallaf said:

I am going to second that, not wearing your wedding ring, not that changing status on social media is all that important, I for one do not and neither does my husband have any personal relationship things on FB but we both wear our rings and talk daily all the time and when we go to sleep at night it is always at the same time. the things that you have described are that of a person in it just to get here. I am sure that you are a man of good moral character give her time to afford a plane ticket, or get one for her. to me she is not invested in a marriage IMO that is what it sounds like. 

My wife doesn't wear her ring because she gained some weight during her pregnancy with our 2nd child and I told her to take it off so it wouldn't get stuck. She is now losing the weight and will soon wear it again. But for FB purposes she is all over that with pictures of me and her together.

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

3 minutes ago, Khallaf said:

it sounds to me that she is telling you and trying to force herself to making it until its time for the ROC, if you don't catch the head of a snake it might come back to bite you, now she would still have the option to stay here and ROC without you, but this way your not putting who you are and what you feel in a bigger sacrifice. Never lose who you are when trying to comfort another.

I second this as well. I learned the hard about your advice in the bolded part. I tried so hard to comfort my x-wife which ultimately hurt me more in the end. But I am just glad my current wife was there to help pick up the pieces and help put them back together.

[Going through 5,671]

The sex thing....I get it, it *is* important in a relationship.  Perhaps there is a medical reason behind the lack of sex drive, however....certain types of prescription medication/ailments can lower the libido...might be a stretch but worth finding out for your sake (giving her the benefit of the doubt here, bedroom-wise).

 

The last name thing...I initially balked on that one too, truth be told.  Part of it was my self-reasoning that I'm giving up my country, I'm giving up my family, I'm giving up my friends, I'm giving up my job, I'm giving up my lifestyle, I'm giving up my home and a lot of my belongings....what, you want me to give up my NAME too!?!?  (how I thought to myself at the time when the topic first came up).

 

All the other stuff....perhaps you both would do well with a marriage counselor if you want to save your marriage as it sounds like there's a lot of resentment/underlying issues built up over the years. 

 

As for the "only in it for the green card" angle----only you will have seen the early warning signs of that, in hindsight.  Any other clues in regards to that?

[bogrob 12]

2 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

My wife doesn't wear her ring because she gained some weight during her pregnancy with our 2nd child and I told her to take it off so it wouldn't get stuck. She is now losing the weight and will soon wear it again. But for FB purposes she is all over that with pictures of me and her together.

That's understandable but for us, we don't have children or sex. I don't know if I'm being insecure about her not wearing the ring and putting in on facebook. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

Just now, bogrob said:

That's understandable but for us, we don't have children or sex. I don't know if I'm being insecure about her not wearing the ring and putting in on facebook. 

If I were you I would say something about the ring in all honesty. But to me this is all adding up to where she is only here for the GC. Does she send her money home to Ethiopia?