Wife has not slept in same bed since arrival 2 years ago, need male and female opinions.

[K3lZ33 3]

In addition here's an excerpt from (yes, I know Wikipedia...):

 

Machismo  <--Link to clip above

 

Aside from my observation, she is just 3 years older than me. I have many friends who are filipinas and let me tell you, she's still very much a young person still. Hence the betty boop stuff and playing games on her phone. Do reach out to her and see if there is an activity that you guys can make a hobby, for the 2 of you. Something like bowling, or a sport you can engage in with your pets, do you have space for a garden? Being vegetarian can be quite a hardship for a filipino spouse. I am vegetarian and my husband isn't... There are times when we feel like we are a very unlikely match. I want to encourage you to maybe try learning to cook some simple things that you like and show her how, let her watch you, or watch cooking shows with her. Take her to Atlanta and go to a market like H-Mart or Other Asian markets and show her your interest in things she's used to, if she's been there for 2 years, show her that you still appreciate where she is from. It sounds to me like you have very little commonality and she may feel like there isn't any connection between you other than sex. (when you did have it) 

[stedye 11]

That was not a letter that she wrote.  It was a quote that she got online. She sent me a photo of the quote.

 

I am looking Into counseling, even , for just my own peace of mind. I would never share any letter she wrote to me directly with anyone.

 

To K3IZ33 ; Your reply was insightful and well thought out. I have been taking her to two Asian marts here frequently ; Great Wall and Manilla Mart. While we courted ( after engagement)we would exchange many erotic photos between each other, therefore, she knew that I was not a sit on the sofa type of 50 year plus man. I speed walk- do yoga and Pilates therefore have a high energy level , so,  her perception of a non passion filled marriage leaves me perplexed and befuddled. I think she was doing acceptable in the presence of family : hand holding and hugging me frequently. We rented a house in Baguio and we slept in a bed together there.

 

All my close friends say I am a highly patient man because they would not last that long in a union devoid of sex. I have purchased her Valentine's Day surprises so I will keep attempting to get her to open up ,because if a shift does not occur this year I am mentally ready to move on. There are too many women in the world who would share passion and the heart with me ( or any man in this dilemma) .Thanks for All who continue to share and care. Peace and love to each of you.

[Balamban 113]

On 2/11/2018 at 3:52 PM, Lemonslice said:

Honestly, if I were your wife and you were sharing letters I sent you, and discussing intimate matters with strangers, I would be hurt.  Very. You should seek counseling together, not with internet strangers. 

I haven't looked at this thread for a week or so but did today and was surprised to see the above quote.

 

Of course this poster is entitled to his/her opinion however VJ is about support, not about blaming/shaming.  Consider that we do not know who the poster is, nor even if the address given is remotely true.  There are no identifying photos as there is in my profile, therefore it is an anonymous question, and a really good one, I think.  Steyde states it's a quote that she used, but even if it was not--where else can a person go to get a variety of answers from a variety of viewpoints because some of us are Westerners and some are Filipino.  Further, Stedye stated earlier that she won't go to counseling.   I suggest that posts at VJ should be supportive and constructive, that's what we are about.

 

It is a complex issue.  Looking at it from the viewpoint of an investigator there are many interesting points.  The evidence (possession of a 10 year card) is likely to act as evidence that there is not a scam involved--no intent to marry and then run away, because that generally happens just after the 10 year card arrives.

 

Prior abuse of some sort is a real possibility.  Prior physical/emotional and/or sexual abuse could create significant intimacy issues. 

 

Another possibility is that  some filipina get "pushed" into the "marry a Westerner--send us piso" syndrome.  I have seen first-hand just how strong and terrible that push can be.  Filipinas especially if Ate (but not solely limited to Ate) are expected to be providers, often the prime provider, end of story.  In my opinion, and its evident if you go looking online, Filipino families can be abusive to their daughters after marriage.  "Send piso,  send more piso, we need piso now!"  I consider my fiancees family excellent in that respect--they have never once asked for piso.  It was quite the opposite.  I was picked up by family at the airport (Cebu) taken to Balamban (easily a 1000piso ride each way), driven around to neat places (this by Kuya (uncle)).  My future brother-in-law gave me his motorbike for two weeks, no expectation of payment.  Mama and Papa live on about $2US a day, and they have never asked for one piso.

 

Contrast this with another Filipina that I met in Cebu long ago, and who, had things turned out differently, I would be married to today.  She did get married and lives in the USA today, and she and her guy are still in touch on occasion.  She's done well, making about $35,000US/annually.  Initially she would send home 3000php, then it turned to 4000 and then 5000 and eventually 10,000php.  And her mama just spent and spent and spent--kids went everywhere on jet ferries and parties were thrown for the entire neighborhood--it blows my mind.  Especially that those kids don't need jet ferry rides, they need a dentist.   So keep in mind that a woman simply might "act" like she wanted a marriage relationship when in fact she "needed" (desperately to please the family) even if the idea of sex was terrible to her.  Note: I do understand that the Filipino culture regarding money is hugely different than mine might be so I do not fault this woman's mama, about the only thing that I have said to my friend is: "consider sending a bit less, and taking the difference and putting it into a bank account for a real emergency like a vehicle accident."  

 

Which brings me to another point:  Parents, good Filipino parents, fear that their daughters will get pregnant out of wedlock.  And some go overboard.  Forget putting the fear of God in the daughter for that is often not very effective, after all--that's what confession is for.  But some parents literally make their daughters think that should they have sex, they will experience horrific pain, probable illness, and maybe....just maybe eventual death--so keep those legs crossed.  The advantage of this tactic is: no unwed pregnancy.  The downside is emotional trauma for girl who becomes a woman and is torn between desire and fear which in some cases may well cause vaginismus (painful or impossible intercourse).  I believe that this occurs far more often than most would want to admit.  Could that be what happened here--sure, or maybe not, we'll never know but I hope Steyde figures it out eventually.

 

Counseling appears to be the only answer.  Perhaps Steyde can find a Filipina-American counselor, or an Asian-American or at least a female counselor.  That might help unravel just what is going on. I do hope that such a patient, obviously loving man can find the answers that he needs.  And if anyone ever wants to run more personal info that they do not want to put in a post but want to share seeking an answer, feel free to PM me.

 

 

Edited February 19, 2018 by Balamban
formatting

[stedye 11]

Balamban this was a very insightful and descriptive analysis that you wrote.  I must say that it really opened my eyes and mind to what could possibly be at play here.

 

If anyone knows a female marriage counselor who is of Filipine or Asian descent here in USA please pm me the contact info because I want to discuss this with a professional and get to the root causative factors in my marriage , then come up with best constructive actions to take . Thanks again Balamban for being a giver Sir.

[Zzyzx 106]

15 hours ago, stedye said:

Balamban this was a very insightful and descriptive analysis that you wrote.  I must say that it really opened my eyes and mind to what could possibly be at play here.

 

If anyone knows a female marriage counselor who is of Filipine or Asian descent here in USA please pm me the contact info because I want to discuss this with a professional and get to the root causative factors in my marriage , then come up with best constructive actions to take . Thanks again Balamban for being a giver Sir.

I admire your confidence in wanting to get to the bottom of this.  However unless your wife opens up about why she is acting this way, the only thing a counselor will be able to give you are theories.  Unfortunately from what you have shared with us, the odds of that happening at his point are very remote and become more remote by the minute.  What a counselor may be able to help with, is give you ideas on how to discuss these issues with your wife.  Whether she opens up or not, your main objective should be to figure out what you really want and decide on a best case scenario that would work for you.  When I say you, I mean for you personally,  not you and her collectively.    I say this because in the end, you can only control what you say, decide, feel, think or do.  And as much as you want someone else to see or feel things the way we would like them to, you can't force them.  This isn't meant to discourage you, rather to give you a heads up on what you are facing.    

 

If I may here are my 2 cents about some of the things already said about this situation and this thread.  For What it's worth:

 

 

On ‎2‎/‎11‎/‎2018 at 11:08 AM, acidrain said:

I am not familiar with their culture but maybe it's taboo to share their sexual desires. Have you asked her the kinds of things she's into? Sometimes people are afraid they will be judged. The one thing I am concerned about (I could be wrong) is you hint at the idea she is cheating on you. Is there anything other than the lack of sex that might make you think that?

Hinting at the idea of cheating isn't worrisome here.  It's human nature to imagine the worst when there seems to be no logical answer to a very complicated situation such as this.  

 

On ‎2‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 11:20 AM, stedye said:

I am a very fit, handsome  ( according to others ) 56 year old and she is 32 years old sleeps with stuffed animals and covers up in a Betty Boop blanket. She locks the bathroom when she goes in to use it , rarely talks to me at home and does not want to go for counseling.

I totally get this sentiment about the blanket and stuffed animals!  Being an attractive guy myself, I would be wondering why she is choosing to sleep by herself comforted by stuffed animals instead of by me!  This statement has nothing to do with the blanket itself or the stuffed animals as other posters claimed and totally didn't get.  As far as the bathroom thing goes I agree, this is very unusual as it sends a clear signal that there is a barrier.  I mean she doesn't always go in there to take care of #2.  If she was open and comfortable enough with you, she wouldn't mind you going in there if she was in the shower or just doing her hair for example.

 

On ‎2‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 11:20 AM, stedye said:

Not sure if this is correct Forum placement, but, I am at a serious crossroads.  My wife has not slept with me since arriving, avoids having sex and shys away from all intimacy such as kissing, hugging , hand holding, and massages . We did all of the above in the Philippines before we married , yet, since her arrival here she does not want to discuss the issue, and says when we purchase a firmer mattress  ( on the agenda for a spring purchase) . Two weeks after her arrival I yelled at her on why are you still sleeping in the living room ? She says that from that time she put up a wall that times time to pull down.  Do you believe after almost 2 years of my being kind - loving- patient and not yelling at her since Dec 2016 that this is justified or reasonable to continue denying her husband physical pleasure? 

Her claim about the yelling incident being the cause IMO, is just a convenient façade to hide behind what the real cause is.  As is the firmer mattress deflection a convenient façade.  This problem was in place before you yelled at her, and was the cause of your frustration in the first place.  And seeing that there was intimacy before setting on US soil, reaffirms that there is something she is not telling you.  You just don't flip a switch unless there was a conscious decision made on her part.  That is why I highly doubt abuse or fear in this case.  Because if she was a victim of abuse earlier in her life, she wouldn't have been ok with intimacy from the start of your relationship.       

  

[Hank_ 9,174]

7 pages and none of it matters if SHE isn't welling ..

 

... horse to water.

 

.. cut bait or fish.

 

 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

22 minutes ago, Hank_ said:

7 pages and none of it matters if SHE isn't welling ..

 

... horse to water.

 

.. cut bait or fish.

 

 

I have to agree with this as well. @stedye have you tried to talk to her again after Valentines Day about how she is feeling what is going on? Also you never responded back to my comment from days ago.

[stedye 11]

Truism Hank ! You can't make someone do what they are not naturally impelled to do.

 

These 7 pages have given me more than enough to ponder and I like anyone need to honestly access is this working for me and decide on action to take 

[stedye 11]

Zzyzx what you elaborated on has been my thought process from the start ; That the excuses are made as a cover up. I have told her face to face, in letters, notes and via text that if she does not have any desire to be intimate or make love ,then be honest with hetself ,and ,with me  then we can move on amicably and peacefully. 

 

 

Thanks for the precise articulate analysis that may be at play  in my current dilemma. 

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

23 minutes ago, stedye said:

Zzyzx what you elaborated on has been my thought process from the start ; That the excuses are made as a cover up. I have told her face to face, in letters, notes and via text that if she does not have any desire to be intimate or make love ,then be honest with hetself ,and ,with me  then we can move on amicably and peacefully. 

Thanks for the precise articulate analysis that may be at play  in my current dilemma. 

You say that now but does she really think you will do it? Because of right now from my perspective is that everything is in her favor and you are doing nothing about it(that we know of). She is basically living in your house as a roommate, but living rent free. All the while she is supporting her family back at home with the money she saves by living with you.

[Boiler 45,931]

4 minutes ago, cyberfx1024 said:

You say that now but does she really think you will do it? Because of right now from my perspective is that everything is in her favor and you are doing nothing about it(that we know of). She is basically living in your house as a roommate, but living rent free. All the while she is supporting her family back at home with the money she saves by living with you.

Page 7 now, obvious from the first post

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

1 minute ago, Boiler said:

Page 7 now, obvious from the first post

I am in agreement with this as well. As of right now I figure the OP is mad at me because he thought I was being condescending to him(I wasn't) and hasn't responded back to any of my posts. We are only trying to help him here but it's clearly pretty obvious that he is not willing to put his foot down.

[stedye 11]

Cyberfx I am not evading your posts . My persistence in this marriage is due to obstinate persistence, I do not like to give up! Giving up is not an option until I am ready and know with certainty it is a lost cause , it may be near that but I have to decide when .

 

I do not have  time for grudges or being mad at someone, it is injurious and foolish to harbor these sentiments for people who mean well and want the best for me. I apologize sincerely if it seems that way. 

[Boiler 45,931]

Sounds like a grieving process, probably do not have much to lose at the moment so taking your time is unlikely to cause much harm

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

21 minutes ago, stedye said:

Cyberfx I am not evading your posts . My persistence in this marriage is due to obstinate persistence, I do not like to give up! Giving up is not an option until I am ready and know with certainty it is a lost cause , it may be near that but I have to decide when .

I do not have  time for grudges or being mad at someone, it is injurious and foolish to harbor these sentiments for people who mean well and want the best for me. I apologize sincerely if it seems that way. 

 

Trust me I completely understand. It took me over 9 months of hard work to get to the point of me throwing in the towel on my first marriage. I finally had to come to grip that my x-wife loved other people and partying more than she loved me. It was a hard fact for me to face and luckily I have my wife who was there for me at that point in time to help me out and see me through it. 2010 was a VERY SUCKY YEAR for me both financially, emotionally, and finally physically. But I have fought and clawed my way up to prove to myself that every year since then will be better than the last year. It was not easy at all and it down right sucked at the time but I have persevered for myself and my family.

 

I know how it feels trying to give your all to a relationship and to someone when you get nothing in return, it sucks to say the least. You will get through this. But the thing you have to think about now is how will you move forward from this??? Are you wanting to go forward with the status quo as things are and hope she magically starts being romantic or are you going to have make her face reality??? My case my x-wife tried to come back to me and say "How much she loved me and wanted to be with me" when she got the divorce papers all the while she still had her bf living at her house at the time.

Edited February 20, 2018 by cyberfx1024