Wife has not slept in same bed since arrival 2 years ago, need male and female opinions.

[acidrain 325]

The OP clearly loves his wife to stay in a sexless marriage (kudos to you!). What I find particularly odd is the fact she has a 10 year green card. If she was solely in it for that wouldn't she have left by now? Is it possible she is content with the way things are? Some people think a sexless marriage is normal. Did she grow up with parents who had a regular sex life? 

 

What I find unfortunate is the length of time your physical separation has gone on for. Most long term marriages (including my own) have gone through "droughts". Things like deaths in the family or having a baby can dampen your sex drive. She seems to be able to express her appreciation in the other things you do. All communication does not seem lost.

 

It could be anybody's guess as to why sex stops in a relationship. When I look back on my ex we were into very different things. As others pointed out she could have experienced sexual trauma in her past. Sometimes people have a lack of sex drive. She can go to her doctor to get checked out. Things like anemia or low thyroid can lower your sex drive and are easily correctable. 

 

I know it would be extremely difficult for anyone to hear their husband isn't satisfied. Maybe you can present it in a way where it sounds like having sex is a great thing (feeling closer to her, she is so good in bed, etc) as opposed to "I never get any from you". I find words of encouragement like you are so amazing at e.g. blowjobs much better. Does she make any physical contact? What about snuggling on the couch? I think often times we think of sex as just the act but what about kissing? Hugging? Sometimes small steps can lead into bigger ones. Have you tried going on date nights?

 

Sometimes periods of separation can help people assess where things are. It does not mean an actual break up but living apart. In most cases this is the point of no return. But there are couples where they needed the time apart to realize what they are missing. It's also not an overwhelming first step.

 

I am not familiar with their culture but maybe it's taboo to share their sexual desires. Have you asked her the kinds of things she's into? Sometimes people are afraid they will be judged. The one thing I am concerned about (I could be wrong) is you hint at the idea she is cheating on you. Is there anything other than the lack of sex that might make you think that?

[Boiler 45,930]

3 minutes ago, acidrain said:

The OP clearly loves his wife to stay in a sexless marriage (kudos to you!). What I find particularly odd is the fact she has a 10 year green card. If she was solely in it for that wouldn't she have left by now? Is it possible she is content with the way things are? Some people think a sexless marriage is normal. Did she grow up with parents who had a regular sex life? 

 

What I find unfortunate is the length of time your physical separation has gone on for. Most long term marriages (including my own) have gone through "droughts". Things like deaths in the family or having a baby can dampen your sex drive. She seems to be able to express her appreciation in the other things you do. All communication does not seem lost.

 

It could be anybody's guess as to why sex stops in a relationship. When I look back on my ex we were into very different things. As others pointed out she could have experienced sexual trauma in her past. Sometimes people have a lack of sex drive. She can go to her doctor to get checked out. Things like anemia or low thyroid can lower your sex drive and are easily correctable. 

 

I know it would be extremely difficult for anyone to hear their husband isn't satisfied. Maybe you can present it in a way where it sounds like having sex is a great thing (feeling closer to her, she is so good in bed, etc) as opposed to "I never get any from you". I find words of encouragement like you are so amazing at e.g. blowjobs much better. Does she make any physical contact? What about snuggling on the couch? I think often times we think of sex as just the act but what about kissing? Hugging? Sometimes small steps can lead into bigger ones. Have you tried going on date nights?

 

Sometimes periods of separation can help people assess where things are. It does not mean an actual break up but living apart. In most cases this is the point of no return. But there are couples where they needed the time apart to realize what they are missing. It's also not an overwhelming first step.

 

I am not familiar with their culture but maybe it's taboo to share their sexual desires. Have you asked her the kinds of things she's into? Sometimes people are afraid they will be judged. The one thing I am concerned about (I could be wrong) is you hint at the idea she is cheating on you. Is there anything other than the lack of sex that might make you think that?

She works part time and sends money back, she would not be able to do that if she has to pay her own way.

[acidrain 325]

Just now, Boiler said:

She works part time and sends money back, she would not be able to do that if she has to pay her own way.

That's a good point. They should sit down and discuss their expectations as she can't afford to live on her own. Hopefully his wife can be honest as to why they are more like roommates than a married couple.

 

It sounds like the wife is having all of her needs met with being able to send money home and not invest much into her marriage. It will be difficult for her to find another spouse who would accept the same arrangement.

[Charles_n_Grace 24]

On 2/4/2018 at 10:09 PM, stedye said:

One other morsel of info ; The day she received her Visa at Manila embassy she stated to me that she had a burning stinging sensation in her female part ( odd because she had her physical a few months earlier) , to which I stated you should check with a Physician before arrival. 

Has this been resolved?  Painful intercourse or even a psychological fear of problems could dampen intimacy.

 

From many of your remarks, it seems she makes some efforts but shies away from anything that would lead to intimacy.

[payxibka 10,047]

On 2/4/2018 at 10:09 PM, stedye said:

The day she received her Visa at Manila embassy she stated to me that she had a burning stinging sensation in her female part ( odd because she had her physical a few months earlier) , to which I stated you should check with a Physician before arrival.

I'm no doctor but I have had a previous relationship where my partner had endometriosis?  Would not be discovered at a routine physical

[stedye 11]

Acidrain. 

 

Before her arrival she sent me this quote ; 

 

" Its not always about the Sex.  Sometimes the best type of Intimacy is where you just lay back , laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other and enjoy each other's company "

 

I told her I am in accord with that type of Intimacy , yet I don't want to be in a sexless marriage, she replied with: My mother and father have not had sex in over a decade ( dad 57 / mom 63) , and, that her Aunt 79 yrs age and Uncle 81 have not made love in a long time. I told her that is their choice , but, at some point they made love because her parents have 3 kids , the aunt and uncle have 4. 

 

 

[Lemonslice 4,951]

5 minutes ago, stedye said:

Acidrain. 

 

Before her arrival she sent me this quote ; 

 

" Its not always about the Sex.  Sometimes the best type of Intimacy is where you just lay back , laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other and enjoy each other's company "

 

I told her I am in accord with that type of Intimacy , yet I don't want to be in a sexless marriage, she replied with: My mother and father have not had sex in over a decade ( dad 57 / mom 63) , and, that her Aunt 79 yrs age and Uncle 81 have not made love in a long time. I told her that is their choice , but, at some point they made love because her parents have 3 kids , the aunt and uncle have 4. 

 

 

Honestly, if I were your wife and you were sharing letters I sent you, and discussing intimate matters with strangers, I would be hurt.  Very. You should seek counseling together, not with internet strangers. 

[stedye 11]

That was not a letter that she wrote.  It was a quote that she got online. She sent me a photo of the quote.

 

I am looking Into counseling, even , for just my own peace of mind. I would never share any letter she wrote me directly. 

[Boiler 45,930]

I am a firm believer in looking for more complicated answers only when the obvious ones do not apply.

[acidrain 325]

2 hours ago, stedye said:

Acidrain. 

Before her arrival she sent me this quote ; 

" Its not always about the Sex.  Sometimes the best type of Intimacy is where you just lay back , laugh together at the stupidest things, hold each other and enjoy each other's company "

I told her I am in accord with that type of Intimacy , yet I don't want to be in a sexless marriage, she replied with: My mother and father have not had sex in over a decade ( dad 57 / mom 63) , and, that her Aunt 79 yrs age and Uncle 81 have not made love in a long time. I told her that is their choice , but, at some point they made love because her parents have 3 kids , the aunt and uncle have 4. 

The reason I brought up whether her folks have a healthy sex life is we are often influenced by what we observe. I am not implying it's a one size fits all theory but perhaps her parents have more of a friendship than a relationship and she thinks its normal. 

 

Did you guys have a healthy sex life before marriage? It sounds like you guys need to go back to the basics. Evaluate whether you are still attracted to each other. See if there are common interests. Do you guys cuddle? hug? kiss? an innocent butt pat? check each other out when they come out of the shower? these are all subtle forms of intimacy. 

 

I understand sex feels awkward the longer you go without it. As they say though it's like riding a bike lol. Is there a chance she feels the same way? We are all throwing out theories. What do you think is going on?

[payxibka 10,047]

7 minutes ago, acidrain said:

 I am not implying it's a one size fits all theory .......

But size does matter

[PaoSelle 35]

7 hours ago, Balamban said:

PaoSelle, you state: “…he just has genuine hate for the men in the Philippines.”

 

You say: “I can tell you all the good things about the people in the Philippines but it still wouldn’t change your mind man”
 

On one hand, you appear to lash back with the same sort of generality and judgement that clearly bothers you.  I have long ago learned: Never, ever, “judge” a person from the Philippines.
 

Generalizations are not appropriate here, yet the discussion of stedye’s OP, where people ask for family background is appropriate.
 

In the Republic of Philippines machismo is alive and well, and to the American mind, odd, impenetrable, hidden, and other things.  Generalizations aside, many men treat women poorly; perhaps the greatest reason a Filipina desires a Westerner, is because of lack of machismo.  A common (my opinion) predominant reason Filipinas desire westerners are not merely whiteness of skin, or opportunity, though these reasons exist—the true reason is simple:  Filipinas believe that their husband will always be true to them and woe to a westerner that fails in that respect!
 

More than half of ALL babies born in the Philippines were born from unwed mothers (909,783 or 52.1% of all babies born in 2016.  Oh yes, the men of the Philippines are excellent men—think about the facts please.  Think about this, more than half of babies in the Philippines last year were fathered by men who dumped their “love.”  Note: About 40% of babies born in America have unwed mothers—either machismo or stupidity is rampant here too.  
 

My brother-in-law to be Rolando is a sweet, loving, hard-working, kind, trustworthy man and I lament that he will not take a bride because he knows he cannot afford it.  Here is a good man who will, I hope someday make a good father and husband, I do not think that he knows the concept of machismo.  If he accidentally impregnated his girlfriend I have zero doubt that he would marry her.
 

However, do not, for a second, believe that, unless you live within the family that anyone really knows.  True things that I have heard over the years: “Mama’s caribao died.”  “That brother had an accident.”
 

No.  The caribao did not just die—it was murdered, and I believe murdered because a loan shark demanded payment and that was the message.  No, the brother did not merely have an accident, I believe the brother was murdered, loan shark, bet-fixing—I do not know the reason why.  Yet I do know that what is apparent on the outside is often not at all indicative of what is really going on.  (Note: these examples are not related to my fiancee’s family, my history in the Philippines goes back quite a way).  

 

In America there are good men, and bad men (and lots of both).  In the Philippines there are good men, and bad men (and lots of both).  I like this quote:

 

The Philippines is a country of sharp contrasts and paradoxes. And the role of women in Philippine society is one area where this depiction is most palpable. While it can be said that Filipino women have gained more leverage than their other Asian sisters in elevating their status in society, their fight against oppression and exploitation is far from won. They may have come a long way but they still have far to go.

http://www.pitlanemagazine.com/cultures/role-of-women-in-philippine-society-filipino-women-and-feminism.html  also:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machismo

 

steyde’s relationship is one of misery and it’s fully appropriate to look for reasons and oftentimes reasons come from looking at the family and its history.  I searched for and have specifically found a woman that so dearly loves her entire family that she would lay her life down for them.  So would her papa or mama and so would her brothers.  She comes from an intact family and get this:  Take Filipinacupid.com and ask 100 women“do you love your mama/papa?  Did mama/papa fight?  Was there an alcohol problem?  Was there cheating?  And I came to this conclusion:  Most of the women (90+%) on dating sites like Filipinacupid in fact come from broken homes—and broken homes do not create women OR men who want to grow up and have a loving family and create loving babies, or if they do want, they no longer know how to.  Like it or not, we are a product of our family. 

 

My advice for any man looking for a super-quality wife is go the Philippines and find a woman who loves her family and where momma and papa have always respected each other and then you have a chance at having a truly loving relationship.
 

And too consider, for in the Philippines, to an American it appears a Patriarchal society, yet is far from that, it’s a Matriarchal society and the females bear the burden, not the males, of supporting the family. In many cases a women will do what she has to do to complete that task—even if it means utilizing an American as a conduit to a better life.  Therefore, I also advise men who search for a loving wife: Beware of Ate.  If a woman has sisters/Aunts in America especially if Ate, the % chance that you are being set up goes up exponentially.  This is simply my opinion and not all Filipinas with an Ate in America intend to engage in fraud—it is merely a potential red flag that steyde may want to look to  understand his plight.  So my only advice to styde is to consider the family history for it may be the key to understanding what is going on.

 

 

 

I think that's a good observation, also take into account that in the Philippines you need parental consent to marry from ages 18 to 21 and from 22 to 25 you need parental advice, meaning without your parents' approval you can forget about getting married.. Think of how many parents forbid their children to marry their significant other I've seen it happen before, and some run away with their significant other and some are just trapped(Pretty shallow for parents to do that) and I don't mean physically it's more on them being stuck in the between wanting to please their parents and wanting to be with the person they love. On the other hand you have live in couples who never get married, pretty common here these days and probably everywhere else in the world. There's also people who don't get married solely for immigration purposes, especially those in the F2A and F2B preferences( probably only accounts for a few). Also take into account the so-called "tourists" who come over each and every year and impregnate women here and then no where left to be found later on really classy if you ask me. then you have those who are what you call "sperm donors" they love to do the deed but when they are faced with the responsibility of raising a child they leave. 

 

 

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

9 hours ago, Balamban said:

 

More than half of ALL babies born in the Philippines were born from unwed mothers (909,783 or 52.1% of all babies born in 2016.  Oh yes, the men of the Philippines are excellent men—think about the facts please.  Think about this, more than half of babies in the Philippines last year were fathered by men who dumped their “love.”  Note: About 40% of babies born in America have unwed mothers—either machismo or stupidity is rampant here too.  
 

One reason for that is the heavy influence of the catholic religion.  I remember my fiancé trying to get on birth control in Davao City area, She had a couple doctors refuse to give her a depo shot, and another one told her it would make her sterile to get on birth control.  

 

Another reason is if get a girl pregnant all you have to do is change you SIM card and the person can't get hold of you any more,  You see so many kids who has no father over there, and if you go to a poor area that number seems to jump.

 

The bad part of  the Philippines is that it averages about 40 kids per year born to girls only 10 years old,  per published reports.  I suspect that number is much higher

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

10 hours ago, Balamban said:

 Generalizations aside, many men treat women poorly; perhaps the greatest reason a Filipina desires a Westerner, is because of lack of machismo.  A common (my opinion) predominant reason Filipinas desire westerners are not merely whiteness of skin, or opportunity, though these reasons exist—the true reason is simple:  Filipinas believe that their husband will always be true to them and woe to a westerner that fails in that respect!

 

 

Spot on.......

[K3lZ33 3]

I haven't noticed any Filipino's who enjoy conflict, or discussions about problems or coming together to talk about things that might be difficult to say.

On top of that, if she is more reserved and shy with you now, versus in the Philippines, it might be that because there, she was expected to allow you to do those things while you were courting her. (To be a good option for you to marry her.) She was not taught to use her voice and let you know what she felt comfortable with. Now that you two are married, she feels that as long as she cares for you, she's doing her duty. Maybe she never expected a passion-filled marriage with you because she was probably told, that with the age difference you just wanted a woman companion, and she would learn to have feelings for you later. Maybe she just resigned herself to her life (bahala na), and hopes you will just continue to let her serve you and take care of your home without requiring her to sleep with you. Maybe she hasn't developed those feelings and just let you choose her.

 

Just my observation.