Wife has not slept in same bed since arrival 2 years ago, need male and female opinions.

[Hank_ 9,174]

2 minutes ago, Boiler said:

Families often see it as an investment.

Yes .. sadly.  In this situation that is my bet .. didn't marry for love.

[stedye 11]

Hank 

 

Her family is lower middle class and her Dad worked at a large cement factory for 25 years , but, his pension will not kick in for 5 years . He does odd jobs like fare collection on Jeepney and she sends large boxes home for them to sell items. She does wash my clothes, she vacuums the house twice a week.  She does not cook much for me because I am vegetarian / vegan. She does buy me items like, bananas , muffins , surprise shirts every other week.  She has a good heart , otherwise I would have left long ago . It is mainly intimacy and conversation she avoids. She says she just feels more comfortable speaking in Tagalog. My plan is posibly personal counseling, then the purchase of a new firm organic mattress which she tried out with me ( organic because of her sensitive lungs, past hour of pneumonitis) . My first wife died from breast cancer, happily married 8 years grew apart divorced , but, she lived with me almost 5 years after divorce. Married a Columbiana who was ultra jealous , always accused me of cheating, and , did not want me to discipline my stepson ,then cheated with a guy from Colombia, then called crying one month later,that he,was abusive, marriage trust for,me was broken ,  so after 5 years I filed for divorce. I am an obstinate- determined Capricorn who wants this marriage  to work out , yet, a person has to be a fully participating spouse for a marriage to succeed. I have talked to several other ministers and they say if she is not keeping the vows then part, but, they also say be ultra loving , kind and considerate to her and she will start to blossom into loving me. I am both an optimist and realist. Your thoughtful words and analysis serve as a support aid as I decide what I need to do in coming months. That you even care in a world where people can be self absorbed and self concerned , speaks volumes to the wonderful people here. Only the best to all who read this post 

[stedye 11]

Interesting tibit ;

 

I asked a  female friend who is from Cebu what a caption said on a photo that my wife posted of me on FB shortly after we stated dating in Tagalog, and, her reply; 

 

" It says thinking with my head , not my heart !" 

 

We had only been taking on internet a couple of months , met on Asian dating site. My friends translation to me was 2 years after our marriage and during the Visa process. We were intimate in the Philippines, we held hands everywhere we went , she let me massage her feet constantly. The huge shift came upon arrival here to the states.  Hank and Boiler may be correct , then again how do you really know what is in the deep resources of a person's heart.

[stedye 11]

I meant who knows what is in the deep recesses of a person's heart.  

[Boiler 45,769]

Pretend the posts you have made were not from you.

 

Go back and read them, what conclusion would you come to?

[Ischnura 285]

How long are you willing to endure just in case she 'blossoms' in to what she should have been from the get go? You've already given her two years to adjust. What you have sounds more like a house keeper than a devoted wife. As someone previously advised, isn't it time you started to protect yourself? She's on a conditional GC, is she gunna bail as soon as you've forked out and jumped through a few more hoops for a 10 year card, all while you're sitting around waiting and hoping for her to change? 

 From everything you've said you've recognised yourself carrying on like this just sounds like a one sided marriage totally set up for failure. I'd get out while I saw it coming if I were you.

[cyclone27 710]

She already has a 10yr green card. They were married for 2yrs before coming to US.

[Ischnura 285]

Apologies, thought I'd read she was on a 2 year card atm. 

 

 

Edited February 5, 2018 by Ischnura
Can't edit original reply.

[geowrian 22,337]

6 hours ago, Chris Duffy said:

Does your wife not copy your mannerisms, and make the same jokes you make since she got to know you. We are pretty close friends with about 5 other Fil Am couple and take recently we all went to Mexico and spend major holiday together like Christmas and 4th of July.  I sit back an observe a lot and watch how the wife adapts, If one husband is laid back then his partner adapts his lifestyle.  A prime example is my wife met a girl at medical and they chat and comes visit about twice per year, Her husband stays up all night long and sleeps all day, She has adapted his lifestyle.  Weird if you ask me

 

Then you see girls going abroad to get married, Japan seems to be popular place and the girls adapt that cultures lifestyle and mannerism.

 

They you have all the OFW who go all over the world, and here they are again adapting to that culture and lifestyle.  

Honestly, no. She's still (virtually) the same person I first met. She tells the same jokes and acts the same way. She's still as deal-oriented/cost-saving as when we met. She's still as much of a shy introvert as I always knew. She still gets annoyed at my crude humor the same way as always.

 

Maybe we're unusual. Even the old saying of "a woman marries hoping her partner will change, while a man marries hoping she will stay the same" doesn't apply. I absolutely don't mean to imply that my experiences mean this is never the case, but I personally haven't seen it in her or her friends, or any others I have met.

 

We met in Japan. We loved it, but she certainly did not adapt to that culture.

She worked overseas in KSA for several years and didn't adopt that country's mannerisms either.

She follows the rules and local customs while there, but that all goes out the door once she returns to PI, and stayed that way here in the US.

[stedye 11]

A great point was made ; Go and read all the posts I have written" . When you are in a situation you hope for the best and want a successful outcome , but, if her want and deep desires are not the same.  You all are correct ; " Waiting in vain " 

 

A change that may never arrive , or, she bails when she is more sure footed financially. 

[Hank_ 9,174]

I always heard it this way:  

 

~ A woman marries a man hoping to change him - A man marries a woman hoping she never changes ~

[Cyberfx1024 7,980]

4 hours ago, stedye said:

A great point was made ; Go and read all the posts I have written" . When you are in a situation you hope for the best and want a successful outcome , but, if her want and deep desires are not the same.  You all are correct ; " Waiting in vain " 

 

A change that may never arrive , or, she bails when she is more sure footed financially. 

It will more than likely be the latter unfortunately.

[Chris Duffy 1,257]

5 hours ago, Ischnura said:

Apologies, thought I'd read she was on a 2 year card atm. 

 

 

If she was on 2 year GC, she can bail and adjust without him anyways.

 

 

[stedye 11]

She has a 10 year permanent resident status. 

[Boiler 45,769]

How is she going to send money to her family working part time in WallyWorld and support herself?