Struggling with new life in US while AOS

[Irisandjoel 52]

Sigh.. I know this is not exactly K1 visa related but I just need to rant and get things off my chest and I honestly had no better idea where to go with my problems. Just need some advice how to stay positive when everything seems to suck.

 

I knew moving to the US and start a new life here would never be easy. Giving up my old life, job, family and friends and kinda starting from scratch, not being allowed to work and relying on my husband financially. But I guess our case is a bit more complicated than average I guess. And some days I honestly really struggle... And my husband does too. I don't struggle being with him at all, we love each other very much, but our circumstances are very depressing sometimes.

 

My husband went through a very rough divorce right around when we got to know each other and also filed bankruptcy less than two years ago with his ex wife. He lost his job shortly before I came to visit him for the first time and he decided a few months later to move back from the south to his home state to start over and try to find a job. So he had to move in with his father and stepmom and he started a year long job training program last September to change careers and he loves it. And I am really glad since he was miserable at his old job. I came here in September and we are staying with his parents since then until we are able to find our own place to live. I have no income of course since my EAD is still processing, my husband doesn't get paid for his training, only a housing stipend and he also gets a military disability since he is a disabled veteran, but his ex wife takes most of the money since he has to pay her alimony and child support..  And I am probably just gonna make 10-15$ an hour where we live with my education. I used to make over 30$ an hour at my old job, so coming here sometimes seem like a huge step down in quality of life. So it seems like we are not gonna be able to afford our own place any time soon.. We also need everything, we only own a bed that we bought when I got here, we need to purchase furniture etc and saving up money so far has not been successful since everything goes into bills, bankruptcy payments, child support, gas and fixing up the car we bought.

But we are very grateful for being able to live with my husband's parents for now.. But sometimes we struggle. His little teenage sister is a spoiled brat who manipulates her parents and most nights we get to listen to them fight and yell but she always gets her way in the end. And her parents wonder why she is such a brat when they tell her no but give in to her eventually. And that drama stresses us out. When I was a kid, we would never scream and fight with our parents. Me and my brothers fought between us like all siblings do but that was it. So I am not used to fighting like this. And my father in law is a difficult person. He is an angry miserable man who hates his life and is just angry at everything and seems to pick a fight with his teen daughter the rare moments when she is just minding her own buisness. He will complain about everything. He complains that me and my husband cost him money living with them and when we try to give him money to cover our electric expenses etc(which I think is totally fair of course, and I do housework around the house and cook dinner occasionally, but we can't really afford to feed 5 people all the time) he won't accept the money. He complains we eat food they prepare for everyone and he also complains when we make our own food. So there is no way pleasing him. And everything my husband does he does wrong in his eyes. My husband tells me he has treated him like that his whole life. And I hate it. Last night got extremely bad when my father in law had one of his hissy fits because my husband's sister made the comment that they always have the same stuff for dinner(she is a vegetarian so she limits her options a lot since they like meat and usually have sides of potatoes and beans, carrots or cabbage) and he just lost it and started yelling that nobody in this house appreciates anything he does, that she complains about the food, that me and my husband complain about the food(which we have never done BTW) and he just wishes everyone would vanish and everyone should off etc. He and his wife constantly get into fights about their daughter and they have talked about divorce. I honestly think she should leave him because she deserves better than that. 

 

We just really want to have our own home, without all this stress and negative energy all around us. I hate not having a job. I do not function well without a routine. We live right outside a small town, not much to do here. And I don't have my own car yet, I don't like using the extra truck they have because my father in law will at some point about that. So I am pretty much stuck at the house doing nothing. I used to work about 200 hours a month and go to crossfit 5-6 times a week. I gave up crossfit shortly after we filed for my visa last year to save some money. And I loved doing it, finally found some kind of exercise that I didn't give up on and I lost a lot of weight, felt better, got stronger and more confident. I think about it every day how much I miss it. And I've been gaining weight for the last months since I turn to food when I am stressed out and feel down. I don't wanna go back to hating myself and be disgusted when I look in the mirror. Hopefully we will live somewhere near a crossfit gym. But we kinda live in middle of nowhere and my husband hates cities so we will never live in a city. 

 

And my husband needs a back surgery, one of his discs is blown out and he started feeling pain last summer. His whole lower back is fused together due to a injury he got in the military. And a fusion will destroy the healthy discs remaining slowly over the years. He got a MRI in november and got a referral to a neurosurgeon who basically told him to off and that he is not gonna touch him and wouldn't meet him or even call him and nobody else bothered to call. He found out when he contacted the VA about a prescription refill. He got an appointment with pain management instead but I doubt they will do anything either, our state has a very strict narcotic policy.  His appointment is at the end of the month, his pain gets worse by the day, we had to go to the ER two weeks ago because it got so bad. He need surgery and the ER doctor agreed and is gonna ask for a second opinion. But everything takes such a long time to process. And it's not gonna be a fun surgery. 8-12 weeks of healing and he won't be able to continue his program for that time and his monthly housing stipend is gonna disappear probably, limiting our income even more. I hate seeing him in so much pain and not being able to anything about it, I really wish I could.

 

And my husband's ex wife is a . They have two wonderful daughters together and she constantly uses them against him. They live 20 hours away since he moved back to his home state, she constantly makes up excuses why they can't talk on the phone and that Skype would not work on her phone etc. She is living with another man now and they bought a house together last summer, which is a good thing, he is actually a good man and seems nice, and we are glad she and the girls isn't living with her crazy parents anymore. But they are now calling their new stepfather daddy and it breaks my husband's heart of course. And she made it very clear to the girls they could NEVER call me mommy ever.. seriously. We are supposed to get the girls for the summer, that is the only time we get to see them since they are in school and get little time off and the travelling distance is so great. He only got them for 2 weeks last summer, they split the driving between them, but she said after she came to get them that they have to fly next time they come visit because they got so carsick(they were fine on the trip with my husband) and she won't allow a escort from an airline employee so her mother should fly with them. Yeah sorry we can't afford to fly a grown up person back and forth twice (unless she plans to stay with us for a few weeks LOL) and buy tickets for the kids.. So we have to figure out how to plan out the summer. And we want to have our own place by then because my husband's ex claims the girls have cat allergy and my inlaws have 3 cats(but they were fine staying in the house last summer). She just is a manipulative horrible person who only wants to suck money out of my husband(she doesn't work and never has, she always needs others to provide for her). And he just lets her walk all over him even though they are not married anymore. It sometimes makes me crazy.. 

 

So yeah.. pretty much my husband is the only positive thing in my life these days, and I am grateful to have him by my side. But he worries about me and says I don't smile very much and he worries I am just gonna give up and leave him. Which I never will, I know this will pass,  what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. It just sucks for now.

Anyone in similar shoes? Sorry for the long post, I just needed to vent.

[Cheschirecat 176]

NO, I haven’t experienced this, but have gone thru my own trials and tribulations. It appears you need to start journaling. Writing may help. Can you get involved with FREE stuff? Feeding the homeless? Assisting the elderly? Rocking babies in a hospital? Free exercise activities in your area?  Online yoga, exercise classes on YouTube for FREE. I’m praying for you and the fam... God has y’all!

[TNJ17 1,329]

You’re gonna need to find something to keep you busy until you get a job. Find a community center or something to meet people and get involved. If you’re on your husband’s insurance, find a therapist. It can help. Just keep yourself busy and remember it will not last forever. 

[Irisandjoel 52]

1 minute ago, Cheschirecat said:

NO, I haven’t experienced this, but have gone thru my own trials and tribulations. It appears you need to start journaling. Writing may help. Can you get involved with FREE stuff? Feeding the homeless? Assisting the elderly? Rocking babies in a hospital? Free exercise activities in your area?  Online yoga, exercise classes on YouTube for FREE. I’m praying for you and the fam... God has y’all!

Yes, journaling is a good idea, I used to write journals for years so I am familiar with it.

 

I've heard that USCIS sets strict limits on what kind of volunteer work you can do, so I haven't looked much into it. I saw an animal shelter in the area looking for volunteers the other day, but it's like 20 minutes away and making us spend more on gas when we already have a very limited budget, and I don't have my own car to get around in. But we will go look at a car tonight that I'm hoping is gonna work for us and then I can at least go places occasionally.

 

I have some exercise gear to do exercises at home, I just can't find the motivation to do it when my routine is messed up and I am eating shitty food that is bad for me.

[Irisandjoel 52]

3 minutes ago, TNJ17 said:

You’re gonna need to find something to keep you busy until you get a job. Find a community center or something to meet people and get involved. If you’re on your husband’s insurance, find a therapist. It can help. Just keep yourself busy and remember it will not last forever. 

I'll check on that. I doubt there is much community activities nearby, most stuff is almost an hour drive away.

I try my best to keep busy somehow and remember just to do one day at a time. 

[RJandHamid 1,133]

I'm the petitioner but I understand what you are going through because my husband is struggling with the same kinds of issues. We are also living with my parents while we wait out the AOS process. It's not exactly the most comfortable place for newlyweds to live. The day his EAD arrives will be an amazing day. We live near a big city, but because of lack of public transportation, it's incredibility difficult for him to get out of our small town to go anywhere interesting. During the warmer months, he biked around the forests and fields outside, but now that it is freezing outside, he's just home all day waiting for me to come home from work. 

 

My relationship with my parents is ok, but could be better. My husband comes from a very different culture (Morocco) and while he gets along with my parents and sibling, he often finds it hard to relate to them and would rather just avoid contact with them. 

 

I think our situation will improve once he gets his EAD and is able to find a job. Then we'll be able to combine our income to get a small apartment. I hope you get your EAD soon as well so things may start to look up for you. 

[ColoradoBeauty 79]

I adore your love for your husband and sincerely hope it will keep you motivated and strong.

 

How are the neighbors? Maybe, you can befriend other housewives. I'm thinking you can hangout with them and their kids or maybe volunteer together.

Alternatively, maybe befriend elderly, who live far from their family.

 

In term of food, could you afford vegetables? Such as, make your own salad for dinner.

 

For living situation, have you thought about living in a trailer? What's his other family like ? Maybe, live with his grandma, uncle, friend ... 

 

[Cheschirecat 176]

26 minutes ago, Irisandjoel said:

Yes, journaling is a good idea, I used to write journals for years so I am familiar with it.

 

I've heard that USCIS sets strict limits on what kind of volunteer work you can do, so I haven't looked much into it. I saw an animal shelter in the area looking for volunteers the other day, but it's like 20 minutes away and making us spend more on gas when we already have a very limited budget, and I don't have my own car to get around in. But we will go look at a car tonight that I'm hoping is gonna work for us and then I can at least go places occasionally.

 

I have some exercise gear to do exercises at home, I just can't find the motivation to do it when my routine is messed up and I am eating shitty food that is bad for me.

I definitely understand. I’m hoping you can volunteer. Maybe start walking with music... it soothes the soul!! And definitely start journaling... what you have relayed is more than the normal stressors of coming here and I am truly sorry ❤️

[TNJ17 1,329]

You can’t volunteer without EAD either because that could also be seen as work and get you in trouble further down the line. 

 

Befriending housewives and their kids kids would be like a death sentence for me. No thanks, I’d rather drown in my own sorrows. 

[Ontarkie 14,226]

~~Moved to Moving Here and Your New Life, from K1P&P _ as the OP said this is not K1 related.~~

[Longingfor 195]

OP I am about to embark giving up my life as I know to move to the US in a state where I know no one but my husband. I already have anxiety because I will be miles away from my support system. 

 

I already searched and found social groups in my area that I plan on joining so that I can be out and about with persons and get to know my area and make friends. The group I found goes for hikes, games night, bowling etc. I suggest you also see if you can locate social groups in your area. I hope you find a balance that makes your life fun again.

[uhondo 26]

2 hours ago, Irisandjoel said:

So I am pretty much stuck at the house doing nothing.

I am sorry to hear about the challenges you are facing, but have little advice since I also find myself in a somewhat frustrating situation having moved here about 2 months ago. I came here on a F1 visa (not the student one), and have recently received my green card. My mom petitioned for me. Apparently even with the GC finding a job isn't much easier with a foreign education (unless maybe from Europe, Aussie, or Canada). I worked in IT back home for a decade, and have certifications from the major US companies. I was making a decent amount of money back home and I had an okay life. I have made close to a hundred job applications online with little success, and the likely reason the employers will not consider me is because I have a foreign degre. 

The few people from my home country who have been here long enough are advising to go back to school but that is not possible at the moment given the cost. So the only option would be to do some odd jobs while I try to figure a way out.

 

So it appears to be a major step backwards from where I was (career/life wise) back home. Literally the only thing stopping me from going back is that I had gotten rid of nearly all of my few worldly possessions back home, and the fact that I had resigned from my job. 

 

For now all I can do is sit in the house watching bad cable since its impossible to get around without a car and I have no driving license yet. I am studying for the test but finding it really hard to concentrate with so much running through my mind. 

1 hour ago, Longingfor said:

OP I am about to embark giving up my life as I know to move to the US in a state where I know no one but my husband. I already have anxiety because I will be miles away from my support system. 

I remember the anxiety I had right before I left, not knowing what to expect. And my anxiety was not misplaced. All I can advise is to do your research well so that you may learn about ways to make your life a little less frustrating initially once you get here since adjusting here does not appear to be easy at all.

 

End rant.

[Irisandjoel 52]

2 hours ago, RJandHamid said:

I'm the petitioner but I understand what you are going through because my husband is struggling with the same kinds of issues. We are also living with my parents while we wait out the AOS process. It's not exactly the most comfortable place for newlyweds to live. The day his EAD arrives will be an amazing day. We live near a big city, but because of lack of public transportation, it's incredibility difficult for him to get out of our small town to go anywhere interesting. During the warmer months, he biked around the forests and fields outside, but now that it is freezing outside, he's just home all day waiting for me to come home from work. 

 

My relationship with my parents is ok, but could be better. My husband comes from a very different culture (Morocco) and while he gets along with my parents and sibling, he often finds it hard to relate to them and would rather just avoid contact with them. 

 

I think our situation will improve once he gets his EAD and is able to find a job. Then we'll be able to combine our income to get a small apartment. I hope you get your EAD soon as well so things may start to look up for you. 

Yes I can imagine it is difficult for him coming from a very different culture. I am from a pretty Americanized country but I still got a culture shock.

 

I am excited to have summer come back, it has been so fricking cold here in Maine for the past few weeks, I have no desire to outside to get fresh air. I also biked a little bit in the fall and it was very nice.

I am waiting anxiously for my EAD, been a little over 2 months since I filed, so hopefully I might hear something in the next month. But every day I get closer to it , little by little. I hope your husband gets his soon too.

[Irisandjoel 52]

2 hours ago, ColoradoBeauty said:

I adore your love for your husband and sincerely hope it will keep you motivated and strong.

 

How are the neighbors? Maybe, you can befriend other housewives. I'm thinking you can hangout with them and their kids or maybe volunteer together.

Alternatively, maybe befriend elderly, who live far from their family.

 

In term of food, could you afford vegetables? Such as, make your own salad for dinner.

 

For living situation, have you thought about living in a trailer? What's his other family like ? Maybe, live with his grandma, uncle, friend ... 

 

He is amazing and I would not have moved and given up so much if he wasn't. He is my soulmate and he deserves all the best. So I try my best to be a good wife. 

Hmm neighbors, don't know much about them, mostly rednecks I guess. I am not a very social person so I don't make friends very easily.

I do make dinner from time to time and try to make it on the healthier side with fresh ingredients. I hate premade food that Americans love so much, including my inlaws. But I think we'll just take complete care of our food from now on, I am done with my father in laws drama about everything. Plus they like to eat very late at night, we don't like going to bed with full stomachs.

 

There are a lot of trailers around here, different qualities.. They are cheap to live in yes but I just really don't want to live in a trailer. To me it is not a real house, sorry if that makes me sound like a snob or something. And it's not really appeasing to me to tell my friends and family who were already sceptical of me moving here, that I am living in a trailer.. My husband's blood mother is trying to help us out and looking for a place to stay and finding a car for me, she has offered us a place to stay for when things get to rough where we are at now, but honestly, her house is quite filthy.. People out here have a very different standards of living and the poverty is crazy.

[Irisandjoel 52]

2 hours ago, Cheschirecat said:

I definitely understand. I’m hoping you can volunteer. Maybe start walking with music... it soothes the soul!! And definitely start journaling... what you have relayed is more than the normal stressors of coming here and I am truly sorry ❤️

Yes I will go get a journal. And taking walks is a good therapy, just if the cold would go away! It's been almost 0F for two weeks now! I want summer, I am done with winter haha.