Judging the Judges

[Marilyn. 340]

Face it: For every person who tunes in to "American Idol" to hear the latest performance by Blake or Jordin, there's another who just wants to hear what kind of evil snark Simon Cowell has up that too-tight, T-shirt sleeve of his. As the number of reality-competition shows grows, so does the lineup of tastemakers and hoity-toity experts by whom the contestants are either crushed -- or given life to compete another day. Here, we give the reality show judges a little taste of their own medicine. Pitchy, dawg!

The Hanging Judges:

Simon Cowell, "American Idol" (Fox): The judge, jury and executioner that all others can only aspire to. Cowell has been more explosive than ever this season -- his contempt for the "Sanjaya situation" and his exasperation at host Ryan Seacrest erupting together. But, Cowell makes for great TV, and this season is among his best. His comments range from, "I thought it had all the joy of someone singing in a funeral parlor" (to Phil) and, "It was just a mess -- it was all over the place" (to Chris). But, hey, he's got a happy side, too: His comment on Latin night to Sanjaya has already entered the pop-culture lexicon: "It wasn't horrible." Rock on!

Len Goodman, "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC): Cheery and frumpy as only an English expert in ballroom dancing can be, Goodman can be harsh, but he delivers the worst news with such British zeal. It helps that he totally appears not to hear the jeers of the often-disagreeing fans.

Nina Garcia, "Project Runway" (Bravo): She's flinty, she's utterly dismissive and she looks like she hasn't eaten more than 300 calories in any given week. So, the peevish assessments from the Elle magazine fashion maven are delivered with a pained expression and without so much as a token, "I like that color," or anything else. (Runner up: Garcia's sister-publication judge, Margaret Russell, editor in chief of Elle: Décor mag and "Top Design's" snootiest panelist.)

Robin Antin, "Pussycat Doll Presents: The Search for the Next Doll" (The CW):

While judging young women on how well they gyrate around -- on a stage -- in fishnets, skimpy lingerie, or less -- Antin manages to make judging appear as though she's bestowing the Man Booker prize. Her imperious words of heartbreaking dismissal: "Not everyone can be a Pussycat Doll."

The Cheerleaders:

Paula Abdul, "American Idol" (Fox): Abdul started the current season in her loopiest state yet, causing conjecture about drug and alcohol use and abuse, and worse. But she's kept it together in recent weeks and is back to being the mostly coherent sweetie pie who gushes, "It's young, it's fresh, it's hot, I loved it!" to every third contestant. If Paula's not boogeying along with your tune, you haven't started singing yet.

Carrie Ann Inaba, "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC): The former Fly Girl and backup dancer for Madonna knows her moves, and isn't above a strong critique if required, but she is more often the voice of encouragement on an otherwise rather dour panel. We can almost forgive her blind spot about Apolo and Julianne. Almost.

Todd Oldham, "Top Design" (Bravo): The former fashionista has made a seamless transition into the Tim Gunn-wrangler role, assigning aspiring home decorators/designers with carpenters and others, while his chirpy persona gives the show a lot of its charm.

Dorothy Hamill, "Skating With Celebrities" (Fox): Maybe it was just that she loved being back in the spotlight (Face it -- skating fans loved seeing her, too), but Hamill rarely met a toe jump she didn't like. She made Abdul seem downright professorial.

The Happy Warriors:

Randy Jackson, "American Idol" (Fox): If the occasional piece of usable feedback slips out between the dawg-isms and the fist pumping, it's icing on the cake. Jackson has to play yin to Cowell's yang, while also propping up Abdul under the desk (probably). Just let him roll.

Jonathan Adler, "Top Design" (Bravo): What the world needs now, apparently, is luxe, sweet luxe. The worst thing a contestant can do in Adler's presence is have a design that appears "cheap." And while Adler tries to perfect a hardass persona (Is it just me, or does Adler, in that shiny gray suit he likes to wear, look like a totally evil Pee-wee Herman?), anyone whose signature adios line is, "See you later, decorator" just can't be that scary. (that line drove me crazy )

Jay Manuel, "America's Next Top Model" (The CW): The person workin' it the best on the show isn't one of the contestants, but Mr. Downtown himself: Jay Manuel. It's his gig of a lifetime, you can just tell. And his hair can hold his own next to Tyra's, and that's saying something.

Ever-So-Helpful:

Tim Gunn, "Project Runway" (Bravo): The man is a genius, turning a pretty good concept into an Emmy-nominated, must-watch, cultural TV event. His soothing, unruffled style, mixed with his fearlessness about calling contestants on their problems ("Nick, I'm very, very concerned. Very concerned."), make him a focus of the show whenever he's on camera. And so, we carry on.

Twiggy, "America's Next Top Model" (The CW): Still one of the most beautiful women in the world, Twiggy is delightfully down-to-earth and brings a grounded perspective to the fizzy world of modeling. She can see a slight angle here, a practiced twinkle there, leaving the other "Next Top Model" judges only to chime in and agree with her. Sometimes she seems a bit weary of the drama of it all, but she soldiers on, and is a lot more helpful than her crazed predecessor, Janice Dickinson.

The Tough Nuts:

Michael Kors, "Project Runway" (Bravo): He withholds approval like a mean dad -- though, when he gives it, of course, it means all that much more.

Bruno Tonioli, "Dancing With the Stars" (ABC): You haven't been sneered upon until you've been sneered in an Italian accent. After a supposedly romantic pas de deux: "There is more love between Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell!"

Kelly Wearstler, "Top Design" (Bravo): Does. Not. Like. Anything. Repeat as necessary.

Sally Hershberger, "Shear Genius" (Bravo): This new show reveals that the successful Bravo competition formula may be getting a tad diluted (What's next, "American's Next Top Chocolate-Chip Cookie Recipe?" "Project Pedicure?" ). But Hershberger, a sought-after hair stylist to the stars, is surprisingly suited to the medium, giving genuinely useful critiques as well as withering criticism. I say, give Hershberger her own double-jeopardy challenge: Create a new, non-spiky hairdo for your most famous client, Meg Ryan. We're waiting ...

New York's mother, "I Love New York" (VH1): OK, so this show isn't exactly a creative competition, but New York's mother, Sister Patterson, is a force to be reckoned with. She mowed down bachelor after bachelor and tried every trick in her steamroller to get her misguided daughter out of the clutches of Chance. I still have my money on Sister. Let her guest-judge one night on "Idol" -- pretty please?

http://tv.msn.com/tv/judgingthejudges-1

[Otto 83]