Fiance Not On Board With K-1 Process?

[NikLR 13,227]

21 minutes ago, Lemonslice said:

Wouldn't it be easier for you/you two to have you move to him instead?  I am sure he is more established and it can get tricky to leave [career/pension and savings plans/children/etc.] - not impossible, many have done it... but what is tying you up to the U.S.?  However, if he really is avoiding you, that is another matter and then you might want reconsider your engagement.

 

I quite agree with you. While at 53 I think people should be established enough to not need a roommate, maybe he's more established where he is than the OP is in the USA.  Perhaps it's time for her to ask him about moving to Oz and see his reaction to that first. 

[JE57 239]

So, I'll take a slightly different approach on this... A 53 year old man working 12 hours a day and 6 days a week and living with an Alcoholic, mentally ill roommate who has the nerve to criticize a legal choice you made in the past to make money and your fiancee is not telling him to shut-up or get out all spells a whole world of hurt.  Your friends a family all see this as trouble and you too are starting to step back and see the same thing.    Further his need to save / make money by submitting to 12 hours a day 6 days a week is not going to be helped by a K-1 visa where when he lands in the USA will not be able to work or make money for 3-4 months AFTER your marriage.  So, I submit that perhaps you understand what the need for money is and it makes sense.  Perhaps it has only really started since he met you and he believes he NEEDs this money for your future together?   Do *YOU* know why he is so focused on money? Has the money issue always been an issue.   My suggestion is forget about the application for a K-1 visa.  If you place ultimatums on him regarding a K-1 *YOU* are going to lose either way.  If he agrees to the K-1 and commits to it then you'll never know if it was simply to meet your demands.   If he does not agree and you dump him you'll never know if you gave up something good.   I'd say if his reply to your message is anything other than, 'No you're right, I don't care anymore move on with your life' then you should consider shifting the conversation to how you can find time to go visit him again or he can come visit you and drop the K-1 consideration until you are sure of his (and your) commitment.  

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Now, to be fair, I don't know you but I'm going to guess that when he met you that you had friends, family, and a life that you enjoyed and cared about.  That you shared that with him and that in time it's become all about him and he isn't there thus you spend most of your free time in your bedroom.  You want to build a life together with him..  For that you need to know who you are and what you enjoy doing.  If you are denying yourself time to do the things you love then ask yourself why?   If you don't have a life to enjoy, hobbies and interests to keep you busy friends and family to lean on while you wait then the entire K-1 process 6-9 months is going to be that much more miserable and the expectation you would then be putting on him isn't fair either...  Basically, you'd be saying I can only be happy when I'm with him.   And then he arrives to try to deal with huge expectation that he'll be able to make you happy when he can't work, may not be able to drive..  Apparently won't have a ton of money so the two of you can travel or go out to eat etc.   I guess what I'm saying is think about rather he really makes you happy and if not let him know that you don't feel happy and center a conversation on that.  

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All in all, good luck..  I'm sorry if some of my words seemed a bit Harsh.  The age difference comes with it's own set of challenges but the bigger questions is how the two of you get along and can make a life together.   It isn't the age that is the issue here.  

 

[caliliving 606]

I am sorry, but this is not a visa issue this is a relationship issue! a 53 year old grown man is not taking any time out of his day to talk to you. he has no intention to visit and is basically not even caring about a k1. girl, time to move on! he is just not that into you.

also you are 22! he is 53 i know age is just a number but that is pretty crazy! and you cant even sponsor him so i think its good to focus on yourself get your fiancnes and life in order. past is the past. and a judgemental alcoholic drug addicted roomate should have not any problems with what you did.  

also, how did you meet him? ho long have you been 'dating' him? how many visits ahve you guys had? perhaps its time to just take a step back. you deserve more and you are so young. 

[Scandi 4,166]

8 hours ago, slk1995 said:

Hey VJ family, 

 

I need some general advice. Any experiences or stories you may have would be totally appreciated as well. I'm the American, preparing to begin the I-129 process for the K-1. But, I'm getting a little skeptical and scared... 

 

Every time I bring up the step by step process to the paperwork I'd be filing on my end, he doesn't seem to budge or act at all. The first step for him personally is talking with his American friends about possibly co-sponsoring. Once that's settled, I'll be good to make sure filling this all out will actually be worth the time.  I can't get through the first form WITHOUT the documentation that's required (his passport picture, letter of intent, his sons' addresses, etc) . He works 6 days a week, 12 hour days. Opposite time zones play a major role into this as well. He's in Australia. I've tried talking to him about what I will need, but lately he hasn't been participating in the process....so, now I'm questioning things. He just doesn't seem to be on board with taking some time once a week (his off day) for us to work on the petition. My ideal goal was to hopefully get it completed and sent to USCIS after the holidays. I no longer know what to do. I don't think he is on board with putting in the work with me to make this start happening. I honestly think he's hoping that I'll basically be the full time secretary...alone. I think he is beyond frustrated with the reality of how complex this process/our situation really is. Also, we barely call anymore, due to his roommate disliking the idea of me. So, I'm not sure if he is running, or is honestly just pausing to really think and prepare for this mentally. 

 

Has anyone ever went through this with their partner? Should I be running, or should I just fill in on what I can...until I somehow get his required parts for the petition? If any of you went through this with your foreign partner, how did you overcome it, or ditch it altogether? I plan to politely address this with him further tonight when he is awake. Any thoughts/comments are greatly needed. 

My now husband (back then fiancé, the US citizen) was almost the same way, he didn't have time to put a lot of work into the i-129f petition since he was working so much. I also think overall women are usually more into doing the paperwork, men seem to get bored with it and aren't always as organized (yes I'm generalizing) - I was definitely the "fulltime secretary" but I didn't mind, I had the time anyway.

 

So I (the beneficiary) ended up doing almost all the work with the petition and then we waited with sending it in until the next time I visited him in the US - then he took time off work to be with me and we could go through all the work I had already done with the petition. It was a great way to do it, both of us knew exactly what was in the package and we could ship it off together and receive NOA1 when I was still in the US with him.

 

The difference is that my husband actually wanted to do his part in bringing me to the US so we could start our life together, he just didn't have a lot of time while I did. If it wasn't possible for me to do almost all the work with the petition he would've done it himself - would your fiancé have done it? I get the feeling that this is about more than just too many hours at work?

[CEE53147 559]

12 hours ago, slk1995 said:

Hey VJ family, 

 

I need some general advice. Any experiences or stories you may have would be totally appreciated as well. I'm the American, preparing to begin the I-129 process for the K-1. But, I'm getting a little skeptical and scared... 

 

Every time I bring up the step by step process to the paperwork I'd be filing on my end, he doesn't seem to budge or act at all. The first step for him personally is talking with his American friends about possibly co-sponsoring. Once that's settled, I'll be good to make sure filling this all out will actually be worth the time. 

 

You and your own family apparently cannot afford to sponsor.  Expecting him to ask his friends to do so is presumptive on your part.  He quite likely understands the commitment and is unwilling to place his friends in an embarrassing position of feeling their friendship comes down to money.   Maybe he has determined that you view him as your sugar daddy to support you once he gets to the US.

 

You need to have these discussions. 

 

Better still, wait until you can financially meet the requirements to sponsor which are really quite minimal.  Since you cannot meet the 125% of poverty level, you need to be worried about improving your employment options and not him finding co-sponsors.

 

[proudtobabritgirl 126]

Long distance relationships are hard! Even without the visa process! 

I would just have it out with him and see what he says. Give him a time frame/ultimatum of when you want the paperwork in by. If he hasn't stepped up by then, then he's not fighting hard enough for you and you have your answer. 

It could just be that he has got comfortable, because you are engaged and he feels like he's 'got you' so he doesn't need to work hard anymore. I'm not sure. But you need to have it out with him, for your own sanity and peace of mind. 

 

[EmilyW 1,434]

Plenty of dumb-####in Australia (why do you think we left to come to the US) and you, OP, it seems like you unluckily picked one.

 

You seem incredibly articulate and intelligent and kind.  Don't settle for someone who isn't deserving of what you offer.

 

Be the one to say 'I'm done'.  You'll feel better for it.

Edited December 4, 2017 by Ontarkie
bypassing language filter

[R&OC 371]

I didn't read all the replies. But I would like to add that some are better with paperwork than others. If everything else is going well between the two of you, then be a team. 

 

If you think, however, that he is trying to signal you that he really doesn't feel like immigrating to the US: talk to him or think about going to Australia if you want to be with him?

 

It is a big step for both of you. And he may be leaving a lot behind.

 

Communication is the key.

[AshMarty 360]

My husband is Australian and was working 12 hour days also but he was 100% into the process of the K1 and we also had the time zone against us.

 

I think this might be more of a relationship evaluation than having to do with the K1 process. It is very complicated and requires amazing and constant communicating back and forth to complete correctly for months. Not to mention the second half of the process is pretty much all on them getting federal background check, interviews, and medicals which is a lot of work and running around.

Edited December 4, 2017 by AshMarty

[Meanis 7]

I feel for you and it must be flustrating. But honestly, how can visa forum help you with your irresponsible fiance? 

[AussieTam 48]

16 hours ago, slk1995 said:

I've sent a message to him. All it says is, "I want closure. I want you to admit you no longer are interested or care." 

 

I've been beyond miserable in the last like two months of this. It used to be far better. 

You deserve better. Find new friends, get out and talk to people.  

You are young you have so many things to look forward to

There are people here if you need to talk .

[Limey 551]

I think you are asking questions that the forum can't really answer, and that you know the answer to already.

 

In our case we both worked on the documentation and application forms (and after we were married we both worked on AOS/Greencard and ROC). None of it is difficult or complicated, but it involves going through lists of documents and required information and making sure you obtain all that is required. Its time consuming, and a little daunting at first.

 

We had a long distance relationship but I was able to make frequent trips to the USA, and we emailed and skyped every day. We did that because we wanted to, and we hated being apart. I think that is a prerequisite for doing a k1 - if my partner was acting in the way you describe, I'd have bailed out for sure.

 

I was 42 when I started the k1 process, so I'd been through a lot prior to meeting my wife. One thing I learned is that it hurts to end a bad relationship, but not anywhere near as much as keeping one going. I never looked back on the bad ones and regretted them ending, even though they hurt at the time, in fact I look back and I'm so glad I didn't carry on for months or years with something that made me so unhappy. If you are even having thoughts of ending it, or giving ultimatums, then I think you've answered the question already if you are honest with yourself.

[slk1995 4]

1 hour ago, R&OC said:

I didn't read all the replies. But I would like to add that some are better with paperwork than others. If everything else is going well between the two of you, then be a team. 

 

If you think, however, that he is trying to signal you that he really doesn't feel like immigrating to the US: talk to him or think about going to Australia if you want to be with him?

 

It is a big step for both of you. And he may be leaving a lot behind.

 

Communication is the key.

I talked to him a bit last night on a call. 

 

Not really sure if I can handle the guy living with a drug addict. Actually no, I really can't. Thats what has changed things so negatively. 

[slk1995 4]

Thanks so far everyone. 

 

I forgot to add the major problem: we USED to do frequent visits, and the nightly calls. But, my parents have threatened to kick me back out if I go visit him. So, there's a lot more to this story. He doesn't want to see me go homeless. 

[N-o-l-a 7,167]

7 minutes ago, slk1995 said:

Thanks so far everyone. 

 

I forgot to add the major problem: we USED to do frequent visits, and the nightly calls. But, my parents have threatened to kick me back out if I go visit him. So, there's a lot more to this story. He doesn't want to see me go homeless. 

 

Oh honey, you are still living with your parents, don't make enough to sponsor him yourself, and they aren't supportive?  It sounds like maybe this is just not the time for this relationship.  Where are you going to live and how are you going to support yourselves after he arrives?

 

Trust you me, there are so many great guys out there who will be completely into you and you'll have no doubts about moving on to the next stage of life together.  For the moment, it seems like you may need to turn your attention domestically.