Are you okay with your SO keeping old love letters from an ex?

[millefleur 5,046]

I think this is a cultural difference....for us, one of us has a lot of previous bad experiences and we have decided to purge any photos or contacts relating to those people.

 

For me, I feel like this has lifted a weight and allowed us to focus on the future. I don't have any regrets about ditching old stuff and moving on, especially when it's obvious the previous relationships were glaring huge mistakes in the first place. Focusing on the now is what matters. I've met people who do not share this view (even my own family members) and I think it's because in the US there is more of a culture of dating/reminiscing about relationships in a casual manner but in my husband's home country, people are more old fashioned (especially his family).

[Wuleii 1]

Yes probably

[laylalex 7,284]

I'm currently trying to figure out how to deal with this. My fiance just moved in with me, and when we were back in the UK earlier this month he gathered up a bunch of documents and other things to ship back to the Bay Area, where we live. The stuff arrived recently, and we spent this past weekend going through it to figure out what he needs to have right now in terms of filing for AOS next year when we marry, and what can go to storage. Amongst the papers were a stack of love letters from his first serious girlfriend, who is a friend of mine, too. I was the one who found them -- he said he had no idea he'd even put them in the box to be shipped -- and it felt like a stab to the heart to see them. I admit I read more of them than I should have, out of some sort of morbid curiosity, and there was something not very flattering in one of them about me. I haven't asked him to get rid of them, though he offered. I know they exist so destroying them won't actually undo the feelings I have about them. They're in storage now instead. I don't think there is any good solution here except to talk to him about how I actually feel instead of just tamping down my feelings into the ground.

[Russ&MaryAnn 110]

1 hour ago, laylalex said:

I'm currently trying to figure out how to deal with this. My fiance just moved in with me, and when we were back in the UK earlier this month he gathered up a bunch of documents and other things to ship back to the Bay Area, where we live. The stuff arrived recently, and we spent this past weekend going through it to figure out what he needs to have right now in terms of filing for AOS next year when we marry, and what can go to storage. Amongst the papers were a stack of love letters from his first serious girlfriend, who is a friend of mine, too. I was the one who found them -- he said he had no idea he'd even put them in the box to be shipped -- and it felt like a stab to the heart to see them. I admit I read more of them than I should have, out of some sort of morbid curiosity, and there was something not very flattering in one of them about me. I haven't asked him to get rid of them, though he offered. I know they exist so destroying them won't actually undo the feelings I have about them. They're in storage now instead. I don't think there is any good solution here except to talk to him about how I actually feel instead of just tamping down my feelings into the ground.

Sorry to hear that. I agree talk to him about your feelings but also have him toss them. No reason to keep them. I think he should have not just offered to get rid of them, but gone ahead and done it 

[laylalex 7,284]

1 hour ago, Russ&MaryAnn said:

Sorry to hear that. I agree talk to him about your feelings but also have him toss them. No reason to keep them. I think he should have not just offered to get rid of them, but gone ahead and done it 

Thanks. I know it's kind of stupid to get upset about it now -- it's been over a decade since they broke up, and we're all very good friends now. And it's not like I didn't know he was with her before, since he was dating her when I first met him. They had an on/off relationship throughout their entire time together at university, and I was with him briefly when they were in an "off" cycle. The ones that really upset me were from in the "on" cycle that came right after he went back to her because they brought back how upset I was when he left me. I agree that he should have just gotten rid of them when he offered, even when I said it wasn't a big deal, because I was clearly upset at finding them. I guess I still have a tiny bit of insecurity about that time, even though so much time has passed between now and then, and we have been completely committed for some time now. 

[Boris Farage 353]

On 10/31/2019 at 9:17 PM, laylalex said:

Thanks. I know it's kind of stupid to get upset about it now -- it's been over a decade since they broke up, and we're all very good friends now. And it's not like I didn't know he was with her before, since he was dating her when I first met him. They had an on/off relationship throughout their entire time together at university, and I was with him briefly when they were in an "off" cycle. The ones that really upset me were from in the "on" cycle that came right after he went back to her because they brought back how upset I was when he left me. I agree that he should have just gotten rid of them when he offered, even when I said it wasn't a big deal, because I was clearly upset at finding them. I guess I still have a tiny bit of insecurity about that time, even though so much time has passed between now and then, and we have been completely committed for some time now. 

 

Holding on to old letters is a sign he is not over the relationship. But having to even think about it when it upsets you is a sign that he is not fully invested in your relationship. It is yet another red flag with this man. You seem an intelligent woman, so it is completely baffling to me why you remain with this person.

Edited November 5, 2019 by Boris Farage

[laylalex 7,284]

4 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

 

Holding on to old letters is a sign he is not over the relationship. But having to even think about it when it upsets you is a sign that he is not fully invested in your relationship. It is yet another red flag with this man. You seem an intelligent woman, so it is completely baffling to me why you remain with this person.

I think he thought he was doing what I wanted, which I guess I communicated was that it was fine to keep them. I should have been more clear, I know, but I was hoping he'd do the right thing instead of me having to show him what that right thing was. I don't think he even knew he had them, because he seemed pretty surprised that I had found them. 

 

I don't think it's fair to say he isn't fully invested in the relationship. His daughter, who is the absolute brightest star in his firmament, is back in the UK, and will not be joining him when we adjust status. He had to make a choice, and it's a tough one. He also had to give up his best friend to be with me, which broke his heart. I do wish he would be more careful about how he interacts with his ex-GF, though. She is wonderful, and I love her, but I don't know if I can ever forget that he once chose her over me. We were all together last month, and he had no compunction about carrying her around on his shoulders, for example. He told me not to read anything into that, that they're old friends and nothing has happened between them for years, and will never happen because we are committed to one another. 

 

I did speak with him about the letters though and he agreed to toss them. I don't know where they are now because I checked in his papers and they are gone. 

[Boris Farage 353]

18 minutes ago, laylalex said:

I don't think it's fair to say he isn't fully invested in the relationship. His daughter, who is the absolute brightest star in his firmament, is back in the UK, and will not be joining him when we adjust status. He had to make a choice, and it's a tough one.

 

Ah yes, I'd forgotten that detail. Well... you leave your family behind when you're in a dire, refugee type situation. He's not sacrificing, he's using you for residency and eventually citizenship.

[laylalex 7,284]

2 minutes ago, Boris Farage said:

 

Ah yes, I'd forgotten that detail. Well... you leave your family behind when you're in a dire, refugee type situation. He's not sacrificing, he's using you for residency and eventually citizenship.

Where is the giant rolleyes emoji???  He was HARDLY fleeing any real hardship financially -- he had an excellent position in London and he was transferred to the new Bay Area office. It would have been a lot easier for me to go to him, and I would have if he hadn't gotten the transfer here. I feel guilty about keeping him here because I don't want to live there. It's not like London is a stinking hellhole -- he lived in Chelsea before this, not some deprived area. He's not using me for residency and citizenship, although I appreciate your concern as always. Alex made some mistakes in his past, and he paid pretty dearly for them, but they aren't anything that would affect his residency (all money issues). It's not like he's running away from problems.

 

By the way, my ex says he knows vaguely who you are through the connections I thought you might have. He told me you were a very sensible chap overall -- I will try not to hold that against you.  

[Boris Farage 353]

10 hours ago, laylalex said:

Where is the giant rolleyes emoji???  He was HARDLY fleeing any real hardship financially -- he had an excellent position in London and he was transferred to the new Bay Area office. It would have been a lot easier for me to go to him, and I would have if he hadn't gotten the transfer here. I feel guilty about keeping him here because I don't want to live there. It's not like London is a stinking hellhole -- he lived in Chelsea before this, not some deprived area. He's not using me for residency and citizenship, although I appreciate your concern as always. Alex made some mistakes in his past, and he paid pretty dearly for them, but they aren't anything that would affect his residency (all money issues). It's not like he's running away from problems.

You misunderstand me. I'm not saying he is financially bereft, but just the opposite. A person of his means does not need to separate his family. He is not a refugee. So it really makes no sense that he would do it, unless he were using you for status and citizenship.

 

10 hours ago, laylalex said:

By the way, my ex says he knows vaguely who you are through the connections I thought you might have. He told me you were a very sensible chap overall -- I will try not to hold that against you.  

Everyone is a detective.

[Deagle 508]

Depends how "old". Receiving a letter last month is different from a letter she or he received years ago.

[laylalex 7,284]

On 11/5/2019 at 5:28 AM, Boris Farage said:

You misunderstand me. I'm not saying he is financially bereft, but just the opposite. A person of his means does not need to separate his family. He is not a refugee. So it really makes no sense that he would do it, unless he were using you for status and citizenship.

 

Everyone is a detective.

Well, while his daughter IS part of his family, his ex-wife isn't, thanks. Maybe I'm misunderstanding you, but he's here for work AND for me. If I felt comfortable living in the UK (which I don't), I would give up my life here for him. The letters are gone now, and he has apologized for not picking up on how I felt about having them in our home. 

 

22 hours ago, Deagle said:

Depends how "old". Receiving a letter last month is different from a letter she or he received years ago.

I completely agree! These were over a decade old, and a lot of time had passed. I guess it hurt more because I was mentioned in one of them in not very nice terms, and also because the sender (his ex-GF) is now my close friend. But the letters are gone, a conversation about boundaries has been had and we're past it.  

[Burnt Reynolds 5,058]

Really depends. Some people just like carrying things from fond relationships they had, or just memories of themselves in the past. 

 

In many ways, this issue goes to the topic of insecurity of the other person. We have a natural defense mechanism to deal with the fact that anything and anyone else can potentially be a threat to us. Internally, our subconscious sees the ex of the person we love as a threat. It also knows that feelings existed, and may still exist. So it's not inherently wrong to, by default, silence this voice telling us this might be bad. Rather, we look to the context surrounding it.

 

Do they merely possess this thing? Is it boxed up in a basement or attic and never been touched with other stuff from one's past? And maybe you see it one day in some rare circumstance of nostalgia (i.e. going over past stuff with family, friends, etc.)? This is perfectly normal.

 

Or do they keep it close to them for immediate access? In a purse/bag, car, on their work area/desk/nightstand area? Immediate access might indicate they still have feelings for this person. This circumstance would invoke me looking into it further. 

 

In the case of my wife, she had a serious fallout with the guy she was with before me because he habitually treated her like garbage, so I'd be undoubtedly concerned if she kept love letters of his around. But she does have pictures on our home server from her old Facebook account that has her and exes. I don't care about these at all.

 

If one is worried about potential cheating, they need to examine and think about what's happening, because leaving it to our raw emotion to deal with it is, far more than we'd like, a recipe for disaster. For example, if love letters brought one to think that this person is considering getting back with an ex, or still has feelings for them, observe their behavior. Are they more withdrawn from you? Where are they spending their time? How have you been spending your time together lately? Consulting with someone you trust that's more distant to you or your partner (as in has no personal investment to either of you, especially of the relationship going south) might be good feedback to solicit if you're having trouble deciding how to handle it or are afraid you'll overreact.

 

There's so many things involved in a relationship, and in most cases, problems stem from misunderstandings. What really matters, along with morals/principles, is how one reacts to things.

Edited November 30, 2019 by Burnt Reynolds

[Samy Dz 0]

well that wierd

[jeanieCZ 228]

One should be able to keep such items (obviously not read those letters every day or drool over photos), because they are part of their past.

Those talking about respecting your current SO: my ex still is a significant person to me, I will never abandon a person I spent a decent chunk of my life with and have been through so much together. And I feel lucky that we have the relationship we have!

If someone is jealous of old letters, it's their own insecurity.