Gay married to a US law enforcement, he was cheating on me during separation

[divorcedgayman 11]

I am writing because I need both some legal and emotional support.

 

I fell in love and loved unconditionally a law enforcement officer (federal employee). He is a USC at the age of 44, while I am a GC holder at the age of 26. After 1 year of dating, and 2 years of marriage, he told me he was no longer in love with me, but he loved me and that life was comfortable with me. There was chemistry and passion at the beginning of our relationship, but they faded away from his side. I still loved him, and wanted to be intimate with him, but he couldn't. He filed for divorce, which is emotionally devastating for me.

 

A bit more about him: As a child, my husband's mother’s partner was emotionally and physically abusive toward him. His mom knew about the abuse, but she still sided with her partner. My husband was shamed on a consistent basis. He had to learn how to put a mask to pretend someone he was not. Though the relationship with dad is now better, his biological dad also ridiculed his good grades and his interest in books, education and history. He never felt comfortable at home, and he was never able to have stable and loving relationships. He found his "home" with the law enforcement.

 

In the past year, he moved 1000 miles away for a job, he told me not to move with him, and he divorced me. However, he said he wanted to continue a relationship with me, and, after 8 months of separation, tells me he wanted me close to him. After divorce has been heard and signed off on (final divorce decree will be in November), I moved for him across the country because I wanted to be closer to him (and I wanted to work on our relationships), and he wanted me close to him. He seemed to have cared about me. He spent a lot of his free time with me, doing weekend trips and what not. He also helped me a lot in moving closer to him.

 

However, once I moved here, I discovered he was on hook-up and dating applications. Unfortunately, I saw text messages between him and his new "lover." He denied the existence of those texts. I was extremely disappointed. I confronted him about this, and he told me he liked the idea of dating other people. He understood I felt unsettled to see him date other people, and he would feel the same about me. He also said it would be unsettling for him to commit to me.

 

At the same time, he would also make some long term plans with me, like taking days off when my family comes to visit next year, he would ask me to sign cards that he was sending to his family (who I have met and they are wonderful human beings), and he would plan my naturalization ceremony.

 

I ended up setting the boundary with him, because the pain was too great for me. I love him unconditionally, and I wanted to grow with him together. I just could not continue living in this insecurity. I lost trust in him, and I pain a lot. I told him that I cared about his happiness and needs, but it seemed like we had to be friends as he wanted to date other people and be on his own to figure out what he wants. It has been 2 weeks now, and I have not heard anything from him.

 

Emotional support questions:

Did I do a right thing to let him go?

Why did he string me a long for so long?

What was his purpose in making long term plans with me if he was not ready to commit?

What are the chances he will come around?

Is there anything else I can do to win him back?

Why did he choose fantasy over a real, loving and stable relationship with me?

Why has he not contacted me?

 

Legal support questions:

I do have screenshots of his activity on dating profiles before divorce (but during separation). I also have screenshots of his activity on hook-up applications from before the divorce has been finalized.  Should I include them in the package? Will they have any positive bearing on my application, as a proof that he simply needed something other than my love?

 

I have also written up my own statement detailing the relationship and my interactions with my husband. Since my ex-husband works for the law enforcement, he has a pretty high security clearance. While my statement is true and correct , I do not want any of that to affect his security clearance now or in the future. Will my statement have any bearing on his background screen?

 

Edited October 19, 2017 by divorcedgayman

[EandH0904 1,184]

Not to be insensitive, but I'm not sure that this is the right place to discuss relationships - we don't know him and can't give you the answers you are looking for. 

 

Generally most divorces these days are for "irreconcilable differences" - cheating doesn't really mean anything. Who would you make a statement to about him cheating? Why do you think that would be relevant for his job? It would make you come across vindictive or upset, and would likely not cause any harm to him - he probably does not have a morality clause in his contract, and he's not making his job look bad by being unfaithful. 

 

He moved across the country, he joined dating sites, he filed for divorce. You will stay a green card holder if you divorce. 

As hard as it is (and I am divorced - my ex-husband cheated too - it's painful I know) at some point in time you just have to understand that people are people and things change. People change. 

 

I would suggest finding help through counseling - either together or alone. 

We can't help you fix your relationship or answer your questions, I'm sorry. 

[divorcedgayman 11]

Thanks for your response. I do need to file to remove conditions on my green card this year.

I do not know how to explain the fallout of the marriage other than the fact that my husband moved on.

Edited October 19, 2017 by divorcedgayman

[C-ma'am 684]

2 hours ago, CookieCat said:

Hi, I will skip your relationship questions as this is a website that deals with immigration issues.

 

Be assured that a divorce in and of itself will not jeopardize your conditional resident status. Many people have successfully removed conditions on their own with a divorce waiver. However instead of focusing on explaining your marriage fallout, focus on showing evidence that your marriage was bonafide and entered in good faith. I would steer clear from painting a negative image of your ex-spouse. USCIS cares that you both entered your marriage in good faith, they don't care who left and why. So arm yourself with lot of evidence of joint assets that your ex-spouse and you had while you were together (joint bank statements, tax transcripts etc.) and evidence for whatever time that you lived together (such as providing joint leases, driver's license etc). I suggest you visit our website's Removing Conditions on Residency General Discussion sub-forum and look at the list of evidence other I-751 applicants provided. That will give you an idea on what all you can submit. You may or may not get an interview later but even if you do, you shouldn't worry if your marriage was bonafide. Your removing conditions should have no bearing on your ex-spouse's background clearance. Good luck!

^^^This and only this.

[Villanelle 4,122]

On 10/19/2017 at 3:12 PM, divorcedgayman said:

 

 

Emotional support questions:

Did I do a right thing to let him go?

Why did he string me a long for so long?

What was his purpose in making long term plans with me if he was not ready to commit?

What are the chances he will come around?

Is there anything else I can do to win him back?

Why did he choose fantasy over a real, loving and stable relationship with me?

Why has he not contacted me?

 

Legal support questions:

I do have screenshots of his activity on dating profiles before divorce (but during separation). I also have screenshots of his activity on hook-up applications from before the divorce has been finalized.  Should I include them in the package? Will they have any positive bearing on my application, as a proof that he simply needed something other than my love?

 

I have also written up my own statement detailing the relationship and my interactions with my husband. Since my ex-husband works for the law enforcement, he has a pretty high security clearance. While my statement is true and correct , I do not want any of that to affect his security clearance now or in the future. Will my statement have any bearing on his background screen?

 

 

Check out the book/movie called Hes just not that into you. Because seriously- hes not into you. Sounds harsh but its the truth. If he wanted to be with you he would. He doesnt. Forget about "winning him back". You did the right thing letting go. Seek therapy to help find yourself.

For the legal questions showing he was at fault will help you to remove conditions. If you didnt include infidelity as a ground for divorce you can include proof of it with your ROC packet along with an explanation letter about the relationship and why you didnt pursue adultery as a ground for divorce. 

 

Unless hes going to run for president or some other public office, nothing you send to USCIS or say to them about him will ever impact his life.