Need Support

[Going through 5,671]

I have been where you are now, and it was very hard in the beginning and I felt very torn between my parents/family and the person I love.  I  dealt with feelings of immense guilt that later on turned to anger and then eventually indifference.  13 years later I still go back and forth between those 3 stages of grief (and to me, it was a sort of grief of losing loved ones almost as if they had passed away).  

 

In the beginning I wrote letters that went unanswered, made phone calls that were never returned, years later sent Christmas gifts to my niece and nephews (whom I still have never met face-to-face), tried to set up meetings with my parents/aunts and uncles when visiting my home country, etc. all to no avail.  It hurt me very deeply, and it was a very confusing and emotional time.   Adjusting to a new country, a new way of living, a new marriage, and then later on getting my first US-based job and then even later a new baby on top of immigration stress without family support behind me was tough at the easiest times, depressing at the worst of times.

 

Yes, you need to live your own life.  It's easy to keep that thought in the back of your mind, but much harder to put it in practice right away when the support-system you grew up with, relied upon in your childhood and young adult years and fell back on when in times of trouble feel like they have been wiped clean of this earth as if you never existed.  These feelings you have now of despair WILL change, I swear to you that they will.

 

In the end, everything I mentioned above made me stronger.  It made me work on my relationship with my spouse all that more harder to "prove them wrong".   It made me more independent as a person and more in tune with what I want for my own future.  It made me more tolerable of differences in people, and more accepting of the idea of my own child (she is 11 years old now) wanting to follow her own life path wherever that may take her in the future....and fully capable of offering her my support no matter what because I know of the heartbreak she would go through if I were to turn my back on her---the way it was done to me.  I wish the same outlook for you, although I advise you to not rush through your feelings in any way to reach the same point I am in now.  And I encourage you to not take my story as the absolute and only pattern your family relationships will follow, either.   However it happens, things will get better.  It may not happen exactly how you envision it, but something *will* happen for the better in the long run.

 

Right now it will feel like the end of the world. 

 

Another world for you is opening up.  Trust and believe in that.  

 

 

[TamaraN 72]

13 hours ago, MalaysiaUS said:

Hi Steven,

 

Yes, it is a religious issue, they knew that my fiance will be converting soon. However, they are afraid that I will be converting after I'm coming to States (which I don't even think about). I think another issue is that they are afraid that they will be losing me (since I will be moving to States). I can't prove anything to them now, since I can only prove with when we are married. It is tough. But, I'm glad my fiance is very supportive. We were planning to visit my parents within the first year, so that they knew that they are not losing me. I hope I'm strong enough to go through this. Thank you so much for your support. 

My family wasn’t happy when I became engaged to a Muslim man. They acted very upset, scared, and angry. All of them our coming around now that they see that he is a good man, treats me well, and makes me very happy. My parents even agreed to visit his country, which I never thought would happen. Keep your head up. There is hope that your father will change his mind when he sees you are happy and well taken care of!

Edited October 12, 2017 by TamaraN

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

9 hours ago, KULtoATL said:

Nah, no regrets. I'm happier and no longer stressed 24/7 I'd do it all over again. 

 

In this situation, if you really can't handle it financially and desperately need some help, try to ask for your fiance's assistance. Don't be ashamed to ask for help when you truly need it. I'm sure your fiance would like to help as little or as much as he can. 

 

Regardless of the help rendered by anyone, always help yourself too. If you don't help yourself, no one can help you.

That is amazing to hear that. I was wondering since I don't feel regrets doing it either. 

 

I will ask his help if needed later. For the time being, I tried to stand on my foot first. I know he is willing to help if I needed. 

 

I'm trying to keep myself busy, trying to be positive, focus more on the visa and other exciting things. He will be coming here during the interview, now, i fulfil my time with planning interesting place we can visit at here. Excited! 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

4 hours ago, adil-rafa said:

1. sometimes parents can see pending problems and are aware of what challenges you will face
2. it is not always an issue of wanting to control or hang on to you 
3. in Morocco if the mother does not like the daughter-in-law-to-be the man probably would not marry
4. we all hope u never have to regret your decision but differences in culture, religion, age are hard to overcome
5. and i don't know your age / they may think u r too young and immature 
6. please i am not judging just bring up things parents look at
7. good luck and be happy in anything u do as u have to live with your decisions 
8. I never told either of my boys not to marry as this is their life
9. and thank God, when i lost my husband and decided to marry again, they did not judge me and Adil

Hi Aidil-Rafa. Thank you so much, yes! I totally understand that and agree with that. I'm 27 years old. I don't think you are judging me at all! I can see where you come from. 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

10 hours ago, John & Rose said:

Afi,

 

You need to live your life.  There is no way I would choose a parent who hates over a partner who loves.  I feel for you but this is your life and them making you choose like that will hurt them more than it hurts you.  I just hope they realize that sooner or later.

 

My family is praying for your happiness.  Life is not a dress rehearsal.  You got one shot at this.  Choose love always!!!

 

John

Hi John,

 

Thank you so much for your support and thank you for the praying! I love it, "life is not a dress rehearsal"

[John & Rose 7,239]

3 minutes ago, MalaysiaUS said:

Hi John,

 

Thank you so much for your support and thank you for the praying! I love it, "life is not a dress rehearsal"

Love your life the best you can!!!  I pray that your father wakes up and sees the love that you have to share. Always be true to yourself. They say in life we never regret the things we do. We regret the things we don’t do. Never regret finding love and being loved. 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

2 hours ago, Suss&Camm said:

I would never say choose your parents in the situation you are in. They already lived much of their life and it is your turn to live yours. You are strong to have stood up for yourself! If you would have chosen differently I think you would end up recenting your parents and not being happy at all. If you have found love they will realize this eventually. The only thing you should worry about is making yourself happy, and while doing so living up to your promises to your parents and they will see that they were wrong to treat you so harshly.

That is exactly how i feel right now. I made my choice because I know that if let say I choose other way, I will not be happy. I'm not sure my thinking is right or not, but for me, he make me happy and I really want to spend my life with him. I didn't make that choice because I love him more and I love my parents less. But, in my mind, by the time pass by, my parents will be able to accept that. However, if I choose other option, choosing my parents, I know that I might be losing him. And I know that i will never be happy with that. I decided to choose my happiness this time, even though i know it is for us and them too. 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

11 hours ago, June2017UK said:

No matter how old you are, parents find it very difficult to let go. Time will heal.

Totally understand with that. No matter how old I am, I'm still their little princess. I hope everything will be getting better! 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

1 hour ago, ty15 said:

I’m so sorry.. :-(

I know it’s hard but you shouldn’t live your life based on people’s opinions, yes, even your parents. They still love you to death, I’m sure. They will get over it just give it some time. Sometimes distance helps sorting things out. God loves every single one of us the same way. It doesn’t matter what religion, we all believe in the same God. God brought you two together despite different culture and religion. Pray and live your life. Your parents will forgive you. It’s not worth it to ruin your happiness with your parents negativity. Trust me, everything will work out. I will pray for you.

Thank you super duper much with your support. Well said! Since they are my parents, i know that they will still love me to death. They might be angry with my decision, upset with my choice and sad because I choose a guy that I just I know for years not them that I know since I was born. Thank you so much, for praying for me. I really appreciate it! 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

1 hour ago, Going through said:

I have been where you are now, and it was very hard in the beginning and I felt very torn between my parents/family and the person I love.  I  dealt with feelings of immense guilt that later on turned to anger and then eventually indifference.  13 years later I still go back and forth between those 3 stages of grief (and to me, it was a sort of grief of losing loved ones almost as if they had passed away).  

 

In the beginning I wrote letters that went unanswered, made phone calls that were never returned, years later sent Christmas gifts to my niece and nephews (whom I still have never met face-to-face), tried to set up meetings with my parents/aunts and uncles when visiting my home country, etc. all to no avail.  It hurt me very deeply, and it was a very confusing and emotional time.   Adjusting to a new country, a new way of living, a new marriage, and then later on getting my first US-based job and then even later a new baby on top of immigration stress without family support behind me was tough at the easiest times, depressing at the worst of times.

 

Yes, you need to live your own life.  It's easy to keep that thought in the back of your mind, but much harder to put it in practice right away when the support-system you grew up with, relied upon in your childhood and young adult years and fell back on when in times of trouble feel like they have been wiped clean of this earth as if you never existed.  These feelings you have now of despair WILL change, I swear to you that they will.

 

In the end, everything I mentioned above made me stronger.  It made me work on my relationship with my spouse all that more harder to "prove them wrong".   It made me more independent as a person and more in tune with what I want for my own future.  It made me more tolerable of differences in people, and more accepting of the idea of my own child (she is 11 years old now) wanting to follow her own life path wherever that may take her in the future....and fully capable of offering her my support no matter what because I know of the heartbreak she would go through if I were to turn my back on her---the way it was done to me.  I wish the same outlook for you, although I advise you to not rush through your feelings in any way to reach the same point I am in now.  And I encourage you to not take my story as the absolute and only pattern your family relationships will follow, either.   However it happens, things will get better.  It may not happen exactly how you envision it, but something *will* happen for the better in the long run.

 

Right now it will feel like the end of the world. 

 

Another world for you is opening up.  Trust and believe in that.  

 

 

Really sorry to hear what you have been going through.

 

Yes, actually it is hard. I'm living with them since I was born until I'm 27 years old. And suddenly now, when I'm 27 years old I need to start to live without their support, it is hard. I started feeling it once I move out from the house. Especially now, when my fiance and I still waiting for our NOA2. He's there and I'm here. Alone without my family support. I'm a family person, I always spending time with my family. Going out with them, spending as much time as we can together. We always go out at least twice a month on weekend to watch movies, having meals together, bowling and do all other activities together. But now, I can't do that anymore. The more closer it be to weekend, the more hardest it is to me, I keep on thinking, what should I do this weekend. The first weekend that I will be spending without all of them. I did feel confuse too, did I'm doing something wrong? did i make a right choice? I really hope things will getting better soon or later. 

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

1 hour ago, TamaraN said:

My family wasn’t happy when I became engaged to a Muslim man. They acted very upset, scared, and angry. All of them our coming around now that they see that he is a good man, treats me well, and makes me very happy. My parents even agreed to visit his country, which I never thought would happen. Keep your head up. There is hope that your father will change his mind when he sees you are happy and well taken care of!

That is exactly what I hope for. I hope they will see how happy I am with my fiance. Thank you so much for your support and sharing your experience with me! 

[abum 324]

Sorry to hear that OP. As a fellow countryman, i wish you all the best. Time can heal the wounds, and mend broken relationship. Still I do understand your parents' feelings though (especially based on my own experience of staying in the USA years ago and observing all the stuff happening to the people within my circle of friends back then, while we were in the USA). Just be sure what you want to accomplish/achieve in your life - and if you feel this is the right decision (the typical Malay term - istikharah & istisyarah) , have a discussion with your other family members on what can you do to mend your relationship with your family (your father especially) while you are still keen on pursuing this path. 

[Going through 5,671]

6 hours ago, MalaysiaUS said:

Really sorry to hear what you have been going through.

 

Yes, actually it is hard. I'm living with them since I was born until I'm 27 years old. And suddenly now, when I'm 27 years old I need to start to live without their support, it is hard. I started feeling it once I move out from the house. Especially now, when my fiance and I still waiting for our NOA2. He's there and I'm here. Alone without my family support. I'm a family person, I always spending time with my family. Going out with them, spending as much time as we can together. We always go out at least twice a month on weekend to watch movies, having meals together, bowling and do all other activities together. But now, I can't do that anymore. The more closer it be to weekend, the more hardest it is to me, I keep on thinking, what should I do this weekend. The first weekend that I will be spending without all of them. I did feel confuse too, did I'm doing something wrong? did i make a right choice? I really hope things will getting better soon or later. 

I left home in my mid-twenties as well.  I don't regret moving out, I regret *how* it was done.  Holidays are hard sometimes for me---mostly Fathers Day because we were especially close (the whole Daddy's Little Girl thing), but I can celebrate that now with my husband.  Once you are able to surround yourself with a new support system it does get easier.

 

Keep yourself busy this weekend as much as you can just to make it go by quicker so the sting of that "first weekend alone" won't be so hard.  You just moved out, so take this weekend to organize stuff in your new home, clean, grocery shop, do laundry, whatever.  You won't be able to push those thoughts of family fun out of your mind completely this first weekend, but keeping occupied will help to alleviate any negative thinking.  It's really all about getting used to how things are right now for you----but that doesn't mean that's how things will always be.  And your parents need to adjust to how things are different for them now, too.  There is a middle ground you will reach with them in your future, and maybe sooner than you think  

[Jeanne Adil 1,651]

27 is not too young

you can make it

best wishes to you

sounds like wveryone here has adopted you as a daughter so you are really not alone in this

we made it even with the heartbreaking wait 

so, we all know you can make it too

[Perfect two 💑 1,147]

23 hours ago, Going through said:

I left home in my mid-twenties as well.  I don't regret moving out, I regret *how* it was done.  Holidays are hard sometimes for me---mostly Fathers Day because we were especially close (the whole Daddy's Little Girl thing), but I can celebrate that now with my husband.  Once you are able to surround yourself with a new support system it does get easier.

 

Keep yourself busy this weekend as much as you can just to make it go by quicker so the sting of that "first weekend alone" won't be so hard.  You just moved out, so take this weekend to organize stuff in your new home, clean, grocery shop, do laundry, whatever.  You won't be able to push those thoughts of family fun out of your mind completely this first weekend, but keeping occupied will help to alleviate any negative thinking.  It's really all about getting used to how things are right now for you----but that doesn't mean that's how things will always be.  And your parents need to adjust to how things are different for them now, too.  There is a middle ground you will reach with them in your future, and maybe sooner than you think  

Will be organizing all my things, do laundry and settling in this Saturday, and for Sunday, I will be hanging out with my friends. Hopefully, it wouldn't be so hard. Looking forward to reach them and repair our relationship back in future. Thank you so much for your kind support!